My concern is this, she thinks it would be better together, and that’s fine for me, and I worry that if I piss her off that the amicable divorce stuff we discussed last time and what we agreeed upon could be off the table and be more costly.
Last time we talked about a uncontested divorce which we basically agreed upon things between us and don’t need lawyers, since no minor children involved.
My concern is this, she thinks it would be better together, and that’s fine for me, and I worry that if I piss her off that the amicable divorce stuff we discussed last time and what we agreeed upon could be off the table and be more costly.
Last time we talked about a uncontested divorce which we basically agreed upon things between us and don’t need lawyers, since no minor children involved.
As I said before it is your situation, you get to decide. But trying to be nice to get a result often backfires. You need to do what is best for you and your kids, not try to nice her into things. A lot of LBSs that tried to be nice to get a better result in the D that it came back to bite in the backside. So just giving you some things to consider.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hi Dink, You definitely need a lawyer this time around. Just reading through your sitch, I do think it’s clear you are in panic fog, and that’s ok, most are.
Your children are grown, I’m not sure telling them should be a priority. I mean you definitely need to at some point, but there are more pressing needs imo.
You need to protect your assets right now. She’s going to be all over the place for a while. What she says today has no barring on tomorrow.
You really need to drop the rope, focus on yourself. Focus on your mental and physical health. Focus on getting a life and being the best version of yourself you can be. Controlled confidence is a very attractive trait, and that peaks the interest of most people, including spouses that are pushing away. But it can’t be fake, or manipulative.
I also think you are show signs of control issues. You can’t control was she says or does, and it’s not your place too. Right here, right now, in this moment, imo, you believe you are married, the law agrees with you, but your spouse for all intent and purpose does not.
I wish you good luck. This will not be a quick fix, and if it is all of a sudden you’ll be back here before you know it. Unfortunately there are not short cuts and you will have to walk this road one way or another. You may as well walk it on your terms, not hers. And believe it or not, when you get there, when you are happy and unconcerned about her, 9 times out of 10, you’ll see her poke her head around the corner to find out why you are so happy.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
You don't have to sign a big retainer or engage formally yet, but at least get a free session outlining your rights to get a better sense on where you stand. That knowledge will help inform where you go with an amicable/uncontested divorce, should it go that way.
DO NOT tell your W you had a consultation, keep that to yourself. No need to tip her off or get her defensive or riled up.
Three main areas to consider: 1) Custody/Support - With no minor children custody and child support are a non-issue. 2) Spousal Maintenance - Sound like you were married for two decades or more? Not sure how much either of you make relative to each other, but this could be in play. 3) Assets - With multiple houses and I'm assuming some savings and retirement accounts this could be an area of negotiation.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Yes we have two houses, one we have only had about 3 years. She has a 401k As do I which have about the same amounts. We have credit card debit , and she has a vehicle lease. No other loans The other thing is she has a pension, she is a school teacher. She will be able to retire in about 2-3 Years and get her full pension. She would probably still need to work as you can collect social security for a while and teacher don’t make [censored]. She has been teaching like 33 years and makes 60k a year. The thing is her pension will probably payer her 3000-3500/mo which I could go after half. We had plan on sell the house we have always had which has a lot more equity then most recent lake house. She does not want to part with her pension obviously as it is worth more than the equity in both houses. Her pension at say 3000/mo is 36000 a year. Over 10 years that’s 360000, over 20 years 720000. So I think she maybe willing to be cooperative but again who knows.
So I think she maybe willing to be cooperative but again who knows.
Ultimately the law is the law so whether or not she's willing to be cooperative doesn't matter. Just make sure you know what you're entitled to and if she's not willing to concede that cooperatively, than fight for it. DO NOT give up half her pension.
It sounds like you may make more relative to her, so keep in mind spousal maintenance may be a factor. But perhaps if she's eager to go off with OM and doesn't want to engage an L she might waive it.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I'm going to echo BL and Joseph about getting a free attorney session set up.
You have to gain: knowledge, security, a path forward if this heads to you getting D'd You have to lose: finances, time, security
I highly recommend choosing one that mentions mens rights, if you can find one. My free consult was with a female mens rights attorney and goodness was she knowledgeable on female nature, my nature, judges and the legal system. Worth every free penny.
If you both save your marriage, no one has to know you consulted the attorney. Maybe some day it will feel like a joke. "Cant believe I went to see a D attorney when things are so good now". If things go bad, you may wish you consulted one earlier. I misconstrued one thing from my attorney and it was a near 5k mistake.
It is hard as F to even think about searching for one. Even harder calling one. Driving there. Filling out paperwork. Writing my kids name on a paper stating Core versus Ex Core is one of the hardest things I've done. If a man in going to cry in his life, that's one of the times. After you get through that difficult part, you will see that it made you stronger and more resilient. Your marriage can perhaps be saved, you can also work on protecting your future simultaneously.
Wishing you all the best Dink.
Last edited by Core; 03/25/2212:37 PM. Reason: Spelling
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Yes we have two houses, one we have only had about 3 years. She has a 401k As do I which have about the same amounts. We have credit card debit , and she has a vehicle lease. No other loans The other thing is she has a pension, she is a school teacher. She will be able to retire in about 2-3 Years and get her full pension. She would probably still need to work as you can collect social security for a while and teacher don’t make [censored]. She has been teaching like 33 years and makes 60k a year. The thing is her pension will probably payer her 3000-3500/mo which I could go after half. We had plan on sell the house we have always had which has a lot more equity then most recent lake house. She does not want to part with her pension obviously as it is worth more than the equity in both houses. Her pension at say 3000/mo is 36000 a year. Over 10 years that’s 360000, over 20 years 720000. So I think she maybe willing to be cooperative but again who knows.
These things have a tendency to get ugly, even if the LBS has the best intentions. If you had car trouble, would you take it to a mechanic? Let the experts handle the legal stuff. A lot of LBSs say they cannot afford a lawyer. I always argue that you can't afford not to have a lawyer.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
it is less important for you tell the kids together. I would almost just cancel the meeting with her.... Just when you get a chance tell the kids individually "Your mom and I are getting a divorce, and this time it is really happening." No need to tell them why ("We've just grown apart" is enough.) Certainly do not throw her under the bus by outing her PA.
I agree....I would even just let her tell the kids.
Text her:
"I changed my mind. No need for us to meet. I believe it is best if you tell the kids you are filing for D."
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
