Need advice please

[BL42]

Dink,

So I texted her and said we need to tell the kids this weekend we are getting divorced and she said we can meet tomorrow to discuss how we want to do it.

Do you want a divorce? I can certainly understand if you did considering her PA, but got the sense you did not, in which case the board generally recommends not initiating R talks with your spouse or discussions like this.

I then said, this would of been much easier Telling the if last weekend didn’t happen,

This comment has the sound of blame and pressure in it, which is not recommended.

to which she replied I know how you feel, I felt that way most of our marriage…

She feels that way currently, and your affair and distance in the marriage likely was a factor, but remember just because she says "most of the marriage" now doesn't mean that was really the case. The WAS/WS often initially rewrites the marriage in a negative light.

She told me she wanted a divorce And I said ok, not knowing really about other man and as I wrote prior I lost it when I found her at Other man’s house.

Unfortunately you don't have a choice in the matter, whether you knew about the OM. Saying "ok" (or saying "no") doesn't enable it (or prevent it) in any way.

Her tone had no resemblance of any regret, or compassion what she did

This is very common. It's more common the WAS/WS shows no remorse, and rarely does the LBS get an apology for the affair.

It’s just sad

Definitely a sad situation. Sorry Dink.

I at least have shown compassion and apologized foe my hurt from way back. She is definitely a wayward spouse. Bitter to the end even though this was her

Continue to show compassion if you can. You'll be better off for it, even if the anger makes you want to be mean.

When you talk to the kids, keep your personal emotions and bias out of the picture. Resist the temptation to blame your WW or show her in a negative light. Focus on what is right for the kids and be in the right frame of mind.

Agreed. Especially because in your situation for anything you throw at her she'll come back in your face with your affair.

I totally agree with what you have said and i definitely will put all the recent hurt behind for now when telling the kids. They are my main priority going forward.

Good.

As I have learned I can only control myself and my emotions.

Very true.

This will,be the second time in 3 years we will be telling them this news.

I'm confused. Thought you said they had no idea there were marital issues? Sounds like you had the same discussion a few years ago and this won't necessarily be a shock to them?

Not that it changes anything but i have this pit in my stomach that she is going to hugely regret this
When she has cleared from her fog…maybe im wrong just a feeling. I’m much stronger this go around than I was last time.

Don't spend much time dwelling on a potential fog. Even if it's true it'll likely be a long time before it lifts, and it doesn't change how you should act moving forward...focus on your own self improvements and making your life happy with or without her.

[SteveLW]

I totally agree with what you have said and i definitely will put all the recent hurt behind for now when telling the kids. They are my main priority going forward. As I have learned I can only control myself and my emotions. This will,be the second time in 3 years we will be telling them this news.
Not that it changes anything but i have this pit in my stomach that she is going to hugely regret this
When she has cleared from her fog…maybe im wrong just a feeling. I’m much stronger this go around than I was last time.

Dink, please please please do yourself a favor and resolve yourself to STICK to the discussion on how to tell the kids. Do not get into anything else relationship related. You have talked about the relationship way more than you should already.

Go in with this mindset: "I am going to stick to discussing how to tell the kids. If she deviates into any other territory, I will steer the conversation BACK to the how to tell the kids." And make up your mind ahead of time that you will not discuss anything else. No more apologies (you've said the), no more discussion about last weekend, no more talk about OM, what she is doing, that it is her decision. Remember, you've already said all there is to say about all of that. LBSs get themselves into more turmoil by constantly wanting to discuss everything over and over again. Trust me, from my own experience, it does NO good.

Stick to how to tell the kids. All other topics are verboten!

[BL42]

Dink, please please please do yourself a favor and resolve yourself to STICK to the discussion on how to tell the kids. Do not get into anything else relationship related.

^Great proactive advice. You'll almost certainly be tempted to turn it into an R conversation.

LBSs get themselves into more turmoil by constantly wanting to discuss everything over and over again. Trust me, from my own experience, it does NO good.

Yep. Been there, done that.

[SteveLW]

Dink,

So I texted her and said we need to tell the kids this weekend we are getting divorced and she said we can meet tomorrow to discuss how we want to do it.

Do you want a divorce? I can certainly understand if you did considering her PA, but got the sense you did not, in which case the board generally recommends not initiating R talks with your spouse or discussions like this.

I then said, this would of been much easier Telling the if last weekend didn’t happen,

This comment has the sound of blame and pressure in it, which is not recommended.

to which she replied I know how you feel, I felt that way most of our marriage…

She feels that way currently, and your affair and distance in the marriage likely was a factor, but remember just because she says "most of the marriage" now doesn't mean that was really the case. The WAS/WS often initially rewrites the marriage in a negative light.

She told me she wanted a divorce And I said ok, not knowing really about other man and as I wrote prior I lost it when I found her at Other man’s house.

Unfortunately you don't have a choice in the matter, whether you knew about the OM. Saying "ok" (or saying "no") doesn't enable it (or prevent it) in any way.

Her tone had no resemblance of any regret, or compassion what she did

This is very common. It's more common the WAS/WS shows no remorse, and rarely does the LBS get an apology for the affair.

It’s just sad

Definitely a sad situation. Sorry Dink.

I at least have shown compassion and apologized foe my hurt from way back. She is definitely a wayward spouse. Bitter to the end even though this was her

Continue to show compassion if you can. You'll be better off for it, even if the anger makes you want to be mean.

When you talk to the kids, keep your personal emotions and bias out of the picture. Resist the temptation to blame your WW or show her in a negative light. Focus on what is right for the kids and be in the right frame of mind.

Agreed. Especially because in your situation for anything you throw at her she'll come back in your face with your affair.

I totally agree with what you have said and i definitely will put all the recent hurt behind for now when telling the kids. They are my main priority going forward.

Good.

As I have learned I can only control myself and my emotions.

Very true.

This will,be the second time in 3 years we will be telling them this news.

I'm confused. Thought you said they had no idea there were marital issues? Sounds like you had the same discussion a few years ago and this won't necessarily be a shock to them?

Not that it changes anything but i have this pit in my stomach that she is going to hugely regret this
When she has cleared from her fog…maybe im wrong just a feeling. I’m much stronger this go around than I was last time.

Don't spend much time dwelling on a potential fog. Even if it's true it'll likely be a long time before it lifts, and it doesn't change how you should act moving forward...focus on your own self improvements and making your life happy with or without her.

Dink the advice from both BL and MLC are SPOT ON!

I especially like the advice from BL on her "fog". Yes WWs always have a wayward fog. Some come out of it, some never do. Most take a long long time to. Over the weekend I was at an event where some friends of ours that split up were both there. Several years ago she cheated and left him for another man. He was devastated, but picked up the pieces, D'd her. Met another woman and remarried her. His new wife was at the event too. It took over 10 years but her fog is now lifted and she regrets what she has done. But her ex-H wouldn't take her back now for all of the tea in China!

Assume the fog is permanent and move forward with your own life with that understanding.

Hang in there, get through this next hurdle (telling the kids) and look toward the light at the end of the tunnel. All of the reading I've done suggests that men have a much higher chance of landing on their feet with a new relationship than women do. Apparently that disparity grows higher as the age of the couple goes up. The books on read on female infidelity and the aftermath were pretty clear that the research shows that LBHs are much more likely to find lasting happiness in a new R than women are. They showed a lot of statistics on this, the fact that women make up 50.1% of the population, that women live longer than men, etc. So just look towards a bright and happy future to come, even though it is hard to see now!

[Dink]

I offered to meet her at the lake house today because eit my early night at work and she just replied she for got she had plans with friends at 6. She the said I could meet her after work, (she is a school teacher) as she isn’t going out with her friends until 6. I said we can meet at the house here in town where I currently am staying. She the replied I would be more comfortable meeting her ( her classroom) after school no one will be around and we will just close the door. I said ok, and she said thank you. Then I said sorry you feel uncomfortable.

[Dink]

I agree as I have done that as well

[Dink]

What I meant about the 2nd time in 3 years was we told the kids three years ago we were getting a divorce, she told me she want one then when she was in a emotional affair and I found out. When we talked to the kids it was a bitch but I let her do most the talking which on the ride home together she was pissed about because she said it made her look like the bad guy the one to blame
And it was may long ago affair that caused this. We about 4 months later got back together and when we bought the lake house and we have been living there since as a new start because of the
Bad memories so to speak at other house from the years past. And as I have said previously the last 3 years of been a huge improvement in our marriage but still with the resentment at time showing some up sometimes. So again im the one who didn’t want the divorce and she feels again like she is going to come across as the bad guy again and the bothers her. I was more accepting this time but still have to say I was way more blindside this time since our relationship, time spent together and connection was so much better and loving . At least I thought.

[SteveLW]

Dink, after thinking about all of this, your kids are grown. So I think, in my opinion, it is less important for you tell the kids together. I would almost just cancel the meeting with her. And tell her you will handle telling the kids. Especially since this is the second time in 3 years.

Just when you get a chance tell the kids individually "Your mom and I are getting a divorce, and this time it is really happening." No need to tell them why ("We've just grown apart" is enough.) Certainly do not throw her under the bus by outing her PA. Trust me, that will all come out eventually. But the advice we normally give her is for minor children that will be now in a split home, being handed off between the parents. That is not your situation.

I'll open it up for others to chime in, but since your situation is involving grown children I think there is no need for the meeting to discuss, and it is just a bad idea in general.

[BL42]

Dink,

What I meant about the 2nd time in 3 years was we told the kids three years ago we were getting a divorce

Right, so there is history of them knowing about divorce; it won't be completely out of left field.

When we talked to the kids it was a bitch

How did they react 3 years ago? Your sitch is different than mine w/adult vs. young kids.

but I let her do most the talking

That sounds like a good approach, both back then and this time around.

on the ride home together she was pissed about because she said it made her look like the bad guy the one to blame

Well she is the one in an active affair and asking for a divorce. You're not responsible for her feelings or making her look in a better light to your kids. Don't broach the specifics of her actions, but you don't need to speak up in her defense either.

And it was may long ago affair that caused this.

Your past actions and affair were wrong and contributed to the decline of the marriage, but you can't change them now. From your perspective you've tried over the last 5 years (or however long) to improve your actions and the marriage. That's all you can do. You have to let the rest play out.

So again im the one who didn’t want the divorce and she feels again like she is going to come across as the bad guy again and the bothers her.

Again, she's the one having an active affair and pursuing divorce. If that makes her feel like the bad guy that's on her, not for you to fix. Like last time I'd listen and let your wife do most of the talking. If your adult children ask you directly be honest but short and to the point, perhaps "I don't want the divorce, but won't stop your mother from pursing it". Don't get angry or smear their mother with her current activities. If your W brings up your past affair be honest and straightforward "Yes, I did 13 years ago. I am deeply sorry and feel terrible about that, but have done everything I can since to be a better husband."

[Jq25]

Dink big hug for you brother, I am going through same/similar thing.