Here in the States, you would file an "Order for Temporary Support" so that H has to be committed to supporting you and the children until a divorce is finalized.
If he wasn't contributing to the savings accounts, where was his money going? Did he make that much less than you? Or was he maybe spending his money elsewhere? Other women? Drugs or gambling? Hiding money?
I have to tell you - when I hear that he "got depressed" and left you years before - my spidey senses start to tingle. I'll bet you he was having an affair then too. It's even possible he has cheated on you off and on over the years. Turns out my ex probably was.
Parts of this story sounds a bit like my ex, and what I am about to tell you comes from that experience. First of all, a guy who walks out on his pregnant wife and toddler son has SHOWN YOU WHO HE IS - a selfish person. (And one with bad taste in affair partners, since she's a whackadoodle who spies on her affair partner's wife and threatens suicide. What a peach.)
Second - even if he comes back, you can never trust him again. A guy who will do this now, is likely to become a repeat offender when you get older, or life gets more stressful, or the kids are a handful, or someone in the family gets seriously sick, or he turns 50 and goes into a panic about aging. I bet if you look back on your relationship, you'll find that you have been the one accommodating him and making it work. Once that genie is out of the bottle - once they see an affair or leaving as an option - it's very hard for them to return to a state where they would never consider it. You deserve better.
Third - divorcing him now, while the kids are little, means that they will just grow up accepting this reality that mom and dad don't live together. If you reconcile and he leaves again 5 years later, that's MUCH harder on the kids.
Four - Even if you're not decided yet about divorce - which I understand, this is very new - definitely follow your lawyer's advice about protecting yourself financially. You can always remarry if he truly comes crawling back and does all the things necessary but as others have pointed out, you can't always get that money back, and you will need it.
Fifth - I hope Australia is where you wanted to live and not where he maneuvered you to in order to be in the country he wanted when divorcing. If not - if you'd really like to return to the UK to be near family who could help you with the kids - talk to your attorney about your options.
Sixth - stop relying on him. Stop including him unless he actually asks. Definitely don't tell him where you're going or what you're doing. He had lost the right to know what you're doing. They like to think you're patiently waiting on the shelf as his Plan B - don't let him think that.
I'm so sorry about this whole mess. But realize that reconciling for the sake of the kids can be a mistake. That was part of my motivation when my ex cheated when my kids were 12-15; years later they told me they were always waiting for the other shoe to drop - which it did several years later. Only in retrospect did I see that my ex was a narcissist, and our marriage worked mostly because I accommodated him in so many ways.
Oh - and about MIL coming to help you - please make sure she knows what is going on before she comes. Be brutally honest. H is living with an affair partner, the woman spied on you and threatened suicide, she doesn't want him seeing his son etc. If she can't be on your side you don't need her there. And honestly, you don't need her there if she's going t be there telling YOU what YOU should be doing to "win him back". If she can't see her son is totally being a cad, you won't want her there.
Oh - and about MIL coming to help you - please make sure she knows what is going on before she comes. Be brutally honest. H is living with an affair partner, the woman spied on you and threatened suicide, she doesn't want him seeing his son etc. If she can't be on your side you don't need her there. And honestly, you don't need her there if she's going t be there telling YOU what YOU should be doing to "win him back". If she can't see her son is totally being a cad, you won't want her there.
Fortunately MIL and I have been really close from the start, even from when H and I started dating. I have been blessed with not only her support through all of this, but also the fact that she has been a good friend to me. I can safely say I talk to her more than she talks to her son, so naturally, I have told her all of the details of the separation (and continued to update her). I know that her coming here is essentially for me and her grandson, and not to try to "get my H back," so at least in this case I don't have to worry about her.
Thank you for this. I am guessing at this point similar rules apply the other way around as well, so that if I take any money or move assets around I do not need to account for it?
1. I’m not a lawyer, so you should ask these questions of a professional.
2. That’s not how it works. Let’s say you take $100k and put it in your own account. And let’s say in six months time one of you files for financial separation. You’ll need to do discovery, which will include declaring all of your assets. You can’t just take money or assets and hide them. The $100k will be part of the asset pool to divide.
3. But let’s say he takes $100k and in six months spends it all on hookers and coke. Then you file for separation, that money is gone and so you’ve just lost it all. Same thing if he goes on a spending spree. Let’s say he spends $100k on a car, and come discovery time that car gets assessed as being worth $40k. The $40k car is part of the asset pool to divide, the 60k he pissed away making a bad decision - gone forever.
4. It’s really important that you talk to your lawyer and take steps to prevent him going on a spending spree or taking and hiding large sums of money.
5. I never saw a cent of the $30k back. Her scumbag lawyer wasted it away to nothing as quickly as he could, essentially taking money out of my children’s future and into his own pocket.
Thanks Kind18 for this. I am listing some of the things I need to ask my lawyer, so this helps. Sorry that you had to lose your money pre-financial separation.
Thanks Kind18 for this. I am listing some of the things I need to ask my lawyer, so this helps. Sorry that you had to lose your money pre-financial separation.
I’m not fussed, it is what it is…. You know the Willie Nelson quote?
“You know why divorces are expensive? Because they’re worth it!”
Oh - and about MIL coming to help you - please make sure she knows what is going on before she comes. Be brutally honest. H is living with an affair partner, the woman spied on you and threatened suicide, she doesn't want him seeing his son etc. If she can't be on your side you don't need her there. And honestly, you don't need her there if she's going t be there telling YOU what YOU should be doing to "win him back". If she can't see her son is totally being a cad, you won't want her there.
Fortunately MIL and I have been really close from the start, even from when H and I started dating. I have been blessed with not only her support through all of this, but also the fact that she has been a good friend to me. I can safely say I talk to her more than she talks to her son, so naturally, I have told her all of the details of the separation (and continued to update her). I know that her coming here is essentially for me and her grandson, and not to try to "get my H back," so at least in this case I don't have to worry about her.
Hmmm. AK we occasionally get LBSs here that insist that they are closers to their WAS' family than the WAS is. And maybe it is true occasionally. But I think you need to tread lightly here. She is YOUR MIL. She is his MOTHER. Blood tends to be thicker than water. My fear here is that you are trying to keep your MIL as an ally in all of this, as a way to get your husband back. I know you insist her visit isn't about that. But let me ask you, how often has your MIL come for a visit like this in the past? Is this usual or unusual?
AK, the other fear I have is that eventually, your son apart, she is going to pull away from you. It is the natural order of the world. Are you ready for that to happen? I am concerned that you might get hurt by that eventually.
Just proceed with caution. As upset as she might be with her son's behavior, he is still her son.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hmmm. AK we occasionally get LBSs here that insist that they are closers to their WAS' family than the WAS is. And maybe it is true occasionally. But I think you need to tread lightly here. She is YOUR MIL. She is his MOTHER. Blood tends to be thicker than water. My fear here is that you are trying to keep your MIL as an ally in all of this, as a way to get your husband back. I know you insist her visit isn't about that. But let me ask you, how often has your MIL come for a visit like this in the past? Is this usual or unusual?
AK, the other fear I have is that eventually, your son apart, she is going to pull away from you. It is the natural order of the world. Are you ready for that to happen? I am concerned that you might get hurt by that eventually.
Just proceed with caution. As upset as she might be with her son's behavior, he is still her son.
Thanks SteveLW for your concern. I understand how this may look like and I am also aware that things may change as people change. Even before the separation, we have lots in common, we like the similar sense of humor. We would hike, hang out or go shopping together and when we are apart we chat and video call constantly. All without necessarily having H around. I don't know whether it is because she's an only child and was very close to her Mum so she missed that female-bonding time as she only has a son in my H. I also don't know how to explain it nor do I know whether this will change, as we do not have control over people's feelings anyway. For all I know, my own mum could suddenly disown me when I divorce or something, regardless of blood relation. I understand as well not everyone might have the same relationship with their MIL, but in my case we are just close.
In terms of visits, my MIL visits us (or us visit her) quite often. She visits on most holidays and Christmases. Her visit now is a part of the plan to have my 'village' ready for the birth as my H is most probably not going to be there. When I was 36w pregnant with my son and H had to be away to the states she also flew from the UK to be with me for few weeks, so waiting on me being pregnant and ready to burst is not something new for her.
I was a hot mess. My family used connections to get me into a kick butt attorney at the front of the line... no waiting 8 weeks. My mother dragged me in and paid the retainer. Deep down I knew it was the right thing to do but I was soooooo beaten down by XH at home. Screaming... yanking me out of bed how this was going to play out and how we would use his "free" atty thru work and it would be amicable... my head was a mess, all while my heart was trying to figure out how things got so broken.
I got my ducks in a row. I was prepared.
Thank you, KitCat. I think that is the gist of what everyone is telling me. Prepare for the worst. And yes, I can still move money to different accounts as long as I will be frank and open about disclosing it when it comes to that.
Originally Posted by KitCat
***Please see an atty. Laws vary everywhere. Even if you did contribute 85% of the funds in the joint account... you still may only be entitled to 50%.
My heart goes out to you!!!! Pregnancy is tough enough. You should not having to be dealing with this too. Girl, get yourself an atty and get everything you are entitled too... bust his fantasy that he has going on in his head.
Thank you, KitCat. It is hard. I barely have enough time in the day to even think about pregnancy now with work and a toddler to take care of, and this separation to add on top of everything. Whatever does not kill you I guess.
Here in the States, you would file an "Order for Temporary Support" so that H has to be committed to supporting you and the children until a divorce is finalized.
Thank you for your detailed reply, Kml. There may be something similar here by way of child support, but this requires assessments and some parenting plan to be in place. Unfortunately H is in some sort of weird depressive limbo that it is hard to get him to even talk about any planning. I have all the documents drafted and ready to go nonetheless.
Originally Posted by kml
If he wasn't contributing to the savings accounts, where was his money going? Did he make that much less than you? Or was he maybe spending his money elsewhere? Other women? Drugs or gambling? Hiding money?
Yes, my concern is the same with you. I am sure he would have spent it on the OW at some point. He makes around 30K more than me, so he has no reason why he would not be contributing. Our expenses are also very manageable as we initially planned to save more to buy a bigger house. At the beginning of the marriage, we had a series of conversation and agreements about the amount both will contribute to the savings and to daily expenses, rent, etc but as time goes by, he just shut down more and more. This is a little of a sore point for him every time I brought it up so I just stopped.
Originally Posted by kml
I have to tell you - when I hear that he "got depressed" and left you years before - my spidey senses start to tingle. I'll bet you he was having an affair then too. It's even possible he has cheated on you off and on over the years. Turns out my ex probably was.
Parts of this story sounds a bit like my ex, and what I am about to tell you comes from that experience. First of all, a guy who walks out on his pregnant wife and toddler son has SHOWN YOU WHO HE IS - a selfish person. (And one with bad taste in affair partners, since she's a whackadoodle who spies on her affair partner's wife and threatens suicide. What a peach.)
I am at the point now where I can't really take anything he said to me in the past as remotely true anymore, so it is quite possible that he did have an affair. I have no proof, but it does not mean he did not hide it. Did your ex go through depression as well or was there OP involved in the separation?
Originally Posted by kml
Second - even if he comes back, you can never trust him again. A guy who will do this now, is likely to become a repeat offender when you get older, or life gets more stressful, or the kids are a handful, or someone in the family gets seriously sick, or he turns 50 and goes into a panic about aging. I bet if you look back on your relationship, you'll find that you have been the one accommodating him and making it work. Once that genie is out of the bottle - once they see an affair or leaving as an option - it's very hard for them to return to a state where they would never consider it. You deserve better.
Thank you, Kml. I need to be reminded of this sometimes. When I look back at our relationship or talk to friends about their relationships, I do realise that I was probably either too accommodating or tend to overlook the important stuff/red flags. He is turning 50 in 3 years, but it is no excuse for doing what he did.
Originally Posted by kml
Four - Even if you're not decided yet about divorce - which I understand, this is very new - definitely follow your lawyer's advice about protecting yourself financially. You can always remarry if he truly comes crawling back and does all the things necessary but as others have pointed out, you can't always get that money back, and you will need it.
Fifth - I hope Australia is where you wanted to live and not where he maneuvered you to in order to be in the country he wanted when divorcing. If not - if you'd really like to return to the UK to be near family who could help you with the kids - talk to your attorney about your options.
I am still thinking and considering my options. I have taken steps to secure my finances, and received step-by-step advice regarding divorce, but I just cannot focus on it at the moment. I do want to stay here and possibly buy a property on my own when all is finalized, but again, I am weighing all the options and will decide when there is enough headspace to think about it. At the moment I am focusing on the birth, pregnancy, finishing off tasks at work and finalizing my handover.
Originally Posted by kml
I'm so sorry about this whole mess. But realize that reconciling for the sake of the kids can be a mistake. That was part of my motivation when my ex cheated when my kids were 12-15; years later they told me they were always waiting for the other shoe to drop - which it did several years later. Only in retrospect did I see that my ex was a narcissist, and our marriage worked mostly because I accommodated him in so many ways.
I am starting to see this too. My son is only 3 but a couple of weeks ago he saw a show about different types of families on TV and he turned to me to say "I have a small family: me, Mummy and baby." Dad was not considered a part of his family. I think my son is disappointed by the way his Dad acts and I don't want him to think that anyone can just treat a woman and his family so badly and be welcomed with open arms.
