Hi All, So H's mom called me over the weekend. Asked me to stop the D and to keep fighting for H. I told her that I can not stop the divorce. That I have to protect myself finacially and I can not trust him to do the right thing when it comes to my future. I told her that I will always love H, and I still want our marriage, but I can not fight a one sided battle. Told her that H has not said that he does not want a D and He is still living with OW and having a public affair and acting like he is just fine.
She told me that she doesn't think things are all great with H and OW. (no kidding, geez can't imagine why) And that H is worried about how my family would every get over all this, holidays with the family would never work. I told her that these are all consequences of his actions, I spoke with him in depth about all of that before he left me, and before I knew about MLC. I told her that the first thing he needs to do is get rid of OW and start working fix himself. Told her that I would be there for him, but I can not just put my life on hold while he is out there living like a rockstar. Then we could move forward from there. And him bringing up my family is just another excuse to keep doing what he is doing..
I told her that he would have a long journey back from this, but he has to want it and he has to start it. I told her the man he was would fight through He!! to save us, but he is not that man now. It is all on him, anything is possible, but I have done everything I possible could. I told her that he doesn't contact me and will not come to the house. She said that she thinks its too hard for him to come to the house....Well cry me a river, I live in our memories ever f-ing day.... Said I should ask him to lunch to talk.. I told her again, this all has to come from him, I am not forcing this sh!t anymore with him.
We talked about depression and MLC, She was asking about MLC and if anyone ever comes out of it. I told her people can come out of it, but H has stopped seeing his IC, so I don't think he is looking into anything being wrong with him ( as he tells everyone he is fine) and this could last for years.. so who knows!!!
So not really sure where this all came form, and why she wanted to talk about it all.. I know she doesn't want to see us lose each other, but it is out of my hands.
I did tell her that my Dad has been having some issues with his heart lately and I was on my way to see him over the weekend. She said that I should tell H about it. H loves/loved my Dad so I did text him about what was going on. He responded immediatly and said to "please keep him updated on Dad" Dad is ok, dealing with A FIB.. but thinks it is all under controll. I have not given H a update yet... Not sure if I am going to.. Thoughts??? I figure if he wants to know he will reach out.
I have not given H a update yet... Not sure if I am going to.. Thoughts??? I figure if he wants to know he will reach out.
Good job on having solid boundaries, clear communication and having consequences for his actions / inaction.
You've been fired from the job of keeping him up to date about your personal life or operating as his social secretary. If he wants to know something he can find out for himself.
I know I'm sounding harsh, but it's pretty common that we LBS are expected to keep doing the adulting for our spouses when they go a-wandering. That holds them back from realizing the consequences of their actions if there are no consequences.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I'm sure it's tempting, but be wary of discussing details / venting / strategizing with your MIL. It's comforting to know she's against the affair and supports the marriage but, like you, she can not control him either and ultimately he is her son so even if she likes you and doesn't want the divorce, she'll always be his mother.
Imo you did the right thing not taking action on her request to ask H to lunch to talk. You're right...it's on him at this point.
I personally wouldn't keep him updated on your dad. Going out of your way to keep him updated on your family feels fake and likely comes with expectations on your side. He's living with OW and divorcing you...you don't need to keep him in the loop on your family's business anymore.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I think generally your response to your MIL was right on target - H has to WANT it, and has to do the hard work involved. It's not up to you. And you need to go forward with your life. Perfect.
The only thing I wouldn't have done is inform him about your dad. I know it's hard to resist reaching out - but resist it. He can't miss you when you're not even gone.
Thanks Andrew and BL, MIL, lost her Mom and her H this last year and a half, so its hard for me to not take her calls, I can not shut off my heart like H did. She is all alone now too. H is her only child (2 stepbrothers from her 1st m) So this has been tough on her too. She is slowly losing her whole family. Its all heartbreaking, we are all hurting and have had a bad stretch for the last year and a half. But her and I have not gone off the deep in like H. So disgusting to think of what he is doing to me and his mom and the whole family, during a time we should be pulling together to greive the loses of loved ones. Guess it easier to go full force lala fantasy land than to live in reality with the rest of us... What a selfesh a$$hole.... He only stops to see her on Wednesday for like 1 hour.. and he passes her house every day on the way back to the skanks...
Anyway, I did not really vent to her, just listened and gave her my responses.. She knows I love him and always will... Sounded like he opened up to her a little bit... a really little little bit..
