Front what I can understand from her, it’s the past when I was so distant and emotionally available that she struggles with and can’t seem to get past and has been causing he mental health to be so bad and she can’t get pass it. The last 5 years she I couldn’t have taken better care of her and no one could have did a better job. I have been the best in the past 5 years it has nothing to do with the last 5 years . She says I just can’t seem to make myself whole again after all the pain from those previous years where I wasn’t really available for her.
Her words mean nothing. WAS will rewrite history and provide justifications for their actions that are convenient to them. There is a good possibility that this may be the reason but again there is a good possibility it is not. Even if this was the case, 5 years is a long time to act on it unless there are other factors that reopened old wounds.
Whatever the case, this is in the past and cannot be changed now. Don't focus on her reasons. If there is something you can do to change and become a better person, focus on that instead.
When you live with someone, there is a huge motivation to keep the peace. Everyone wants peace in their lives. If you blew up over every little thing that happened between you, you would both be miserable.
As such, you push things down and gloss over them as you live together, and the consequence of that is that resentment builds.
If resentment builds too much over time, eventually it becomes "too much" and people start contemplating an exit from the relationship. During this period, the relationship is really "on trial" but the other party is usually totally unaware of it.
Once the trial is over and the person has more or less resolved to leave, you're on the tail end of a year’s long process. It goes "things are overall good, but this stuff is annoying" -> "These things are really annoying but not bad enough that I want to leave" -> "These things are really annoying and I don't know if I can stay" -> "These things are really annoying and now I have to get out"
Unfortunately, in many cases the "annoying things" were never even articulated, or if they were, not with enough gravity. Once the "I need to leave" point is reached, whatever those things are get magnified and new ones get invented to help convince the departing partner that they are making the right choice, fort an act in self-reinforcement which sometimes requires lots of fabrication.
Over time, you have *trained each other* what to expect from the other. She knows how you will react to any given situation, what you will say, how you will act, and she has decided that's not compatible with what she wants.
If you decide you don't want that either, and decide to make a change for yourself, initially she'll think you're just doing it as a gambit to get her back and as soon as she lets her guard down, you'll revert to who you "really are" in terms of who you've trained her that you are.
In order to turn this around she needs to *fully believe* that you've changed, and that you're not doing it just to get her back.
How do you convince her of that?
(1) Repetition, lots and lots of repetition in terms of reacting differently, acting differently, than you have historically.
(2) Acting differently when no one is looking
(3) Finding a life for your new self that doesn't require her. That's the only way you make it credible that your changes are for you. She won't even see them until she believes that you don't need her.
LH is a wise DBer and it is important that you understand the words above.
Time and space are your friend right now. Focus on your own beliefs and behaviors and make positive changes. There is a better version of you buried in there...let that person shine through during this most difficult time.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I just found out Friday there is indeed another man…..so that is the end for me
Sorry to hear Dink. Very predictable. Affairs are acts of anger -- she has built up a ton of resentment toward you, and since she's avoidant, she hasn't given voice to any of it or worked any of it through. I'm not saying you've done anything wrong, or that you deserve her resentment, it could be completely irrational, but the point is that it exists.
Once people have affairs, they *initially* feel guilty and will beat themselves up about it, but eventually self-protection takes over and they refuse to believe that they are bad people.
So if she's not a bad person, then the reason he did a bad thing must have been because *you* drove her to it, you made her do it, and therefore *you* are the bad person and she is the victim.
Once she gets there, she'll seek any evidence to reinforce his viewpoint and will reject anything that contradicts it. That's why she will vilify you and nothing you do will be good. You simply can't win because she's an expert at confirmation bias at this point.
Virtually no one gets any real remorse -- the wayward spouse will feel sorry for themselves for "how you made them feel" about the affair, but they won't really feel remorse for their actions because they convince themselves that they were justified and that you were to blame.
I just found out Friday there is indeed another man…..so that is the end for me
Sorry Dink. Unfortunately, 9 times out 10 this is the case. The good news is that it changes nothing that you should have already been doing. Just keep focusing on yourself.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I just found out Friday there is indeed another man…..so that is the end for me
Sorry Dink. Unfortunately, 9 times out 10 this is the case. The good news is that it changes nothing that you should have already been doing. Just keep focusing on yourself.
I'm Sorry Dink. You must be feeling a lot. Honor that by working through it in your journal, here, or with your therapist. XW is no longer your support network, and raging at her isn't going to make your divorce go quicker or more favorably.
I just found out Friday there is indeed another man…..
Two of my mantras: I do not want to be with a women who does not want to be with me. I do not share my woman with other men.
Create your own mantra list as you go through this process.
One of the top things for you to address is your resentment and blame. Forgiveness is extremely important for your growth. Feel the anger, morn the loss of the relationship. Keep processing everything. Feel the emotions. Learn to express them in a healthy way. Do not let your emotions control you. Control your emotions.
Make a plan and execute the plan.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I know it’s not much consolation - but many have been through this before you, and many will after today. It will be okay one day, it just isn’t okay right now.
In the depths of my darkest times, when people told me I would be okay and that I’d be better off but just couldn’t see it - that didn’t make me feel any better.
But 2 years on, I’m incredibly happy. My crazy’s affair fizzled, and yet I can think of nothing worse than being with someone as manipulative and crazy. I look on with puzzlement and almost a sense of feeling sorry for her.
I know you can’t see that right now - but one day, you’ll come back and read this post, and understand why today is potentially the start of the happiest phase of your life.
You need to get back to basics with a good IC, GAL activities and exercise your body physically like you’ve never done before.
I made a huge mistake after finding out about other new guy on Friday I went to his place where she was I find her vehicle and blew up. The thing is The night before,she texted me to see if I was ok and I said I will be fine. She has been the one last week reaching out to me.We texted a little back and fourth and she said I am so sorry about this and absolutely hate myself, meaning I assume about wanting a divorce. Then later said I can't stand myself for this. At this time I was positive about another guy but was beginning to wonder as when earlier in week I confronted her about some one else she said she had not been talking etc to anyone. I then said Don’t be so hard on your self. I know that you believe there has to be some one better out there for you that will take care of you and fulfill you in the ways I didn’t, or couldn’t . Without the past hurt I caused. To which replied You are completely wrong. You could not have taken better care of me. No one could do a better job. And I don’t think anyone can or will fulfill me any more. You have been the best in the past 5 years. It has nothing to do with any of that. I just can’t seem to make myself whole after all the pain and detestation I felt before those 5 years.Then she said I think it might be better for everyone if I just wasn’t here anymore. I said everything is going to be fine and I am here for you After that ...it scared me, because 4 years earlier she tried to OD on pills and I had to take her to the ER. I called her and talked to her, but then I eventually went to the house cause I was scared to have her be alone not knowing what could happen. When I got there she was lying in bed and I layer down by her and she said I told you I was fine, and I said well after what happened a few years ago I was willing to take the chance. I ended up staying the night with her sand she laid her head on me and we went to sleep., and I got up in the morning and went to work as did she. I didn't talk to her on Friday after we left Friday morning for work and was still worried but left her alone. That night which was Friday I was at our other house were I stay currently and at about 4 am my ring door bell went off because a animal went thru the yard. When I opened the app I noticed her vehicle wasn't home and it worried me. I previously seen a guys name in her Facebook messenger app I was a little suspicious about and he was from the town where we work and and so I google his address and drove by and her car was there. I freaked out and started honking my horn at like 6 am and she came out in a night shirt. I was so pissed. All she said was I told you I wanted a divorce. I left and went back home. Later she texted me because I tried call her friend who she has been talking to and the she texted me a said leave her friend out of this, this is between you and me. I said you are right, maybe things would be better if I just was here any more, a play on words she used the night before. She then texted back you know that's not true. You should call your sister or someone to talk to, im not the one you want to talk to about this. I then texted her, You told me you weren’t talking with anyone and this has been bugging you for a while because of the 9 years. Then you walk out in a nightshirt at a strangers house . I could not believe it . To which she replied I can understand that. I definitely did not handle things correctly. You may not believe this, but I was trying to spare your feelings. AND it is about the those past years years and how I can’t get over it and how it has changed me. I then sent a long winded text basically saying that she has to take responsibility for her self and her own mental health and well being and get back to counseling and that a new man is not going to fix her problems. I said in the last 5 years I have did everything in our marriage To take the stress of you and and allow you to work on getting better mentally With the past and with all your physical medical stuff. That's why she stayed I have been the best the last 5 years. I said you have to quit blaming me for everything wrong in your life. Yes I hurt you and was emotionally unavailable during the past years but I have totally changed and you have admitted it yourself. I understand younstill struggle getting over those years but you have done nothing to work thru it with counseling and stuff, its just easier to blame me for everything. I said you think find another man is going to be the quick fix answer for and it not. My job is not to make you happy, my job is to supplement your own happiness. I said the woman I saw come out in the night shirt is the woman I know and the mother of our children.to which she replied... You know what you did to me for those years is called mental abuse, right? And you are continuing with that mental abuse now. I wonder how anyone who heard my story would feel about you. That’s the reason why I’m not the Michelle you married . That is the last contact we have had and that was Saturday
