1) see you as someone of extremely high value 2) views a relationship with you as something much better than a life with someone else or a life alone 3) She's willing to work to win you
4) She has to FEEL like she has lost you. 5) She has to FEEL like she made a mistake.
There is more that can be added. Do the work to understand this and make it happen.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Front what I can understand from her, it’s the past when I was so distant and emotionally available that she struggles with and can’t seem to get past and has been causing he mental health to be so bad and she can’t get pass it. The last 5 years she I couldn’t have taken better care of her and no one could have did a better job. I have been the best in the past 5 years it has nothing to do with the last 5 years . She says I just can’t seem to make myself whole again after all the pain from those previous years where I wasn’t really available for her.
Front what I can understand from her, it’s the past when I was so distant and emotionally available that she struggles with and can’t seem to get past and has been causing he mental health to be so bad and she can’t get pass it.
When you live with someone, there is a huge motivation to keep the peace. Everyone wants peace in their lives. If you blew up over every little thing that happened between you, you would both be miserable.
As such, you push things down and gloss over them as you live together, and the consequence of that is that resentment builds.
If resentment builds too much over time, eventually it becomes "too much" and people start contemplating an exit from the relationship. During this period, the relationship is really "on trial" but the other party is usually totally unaware of it.
Once the trial is over and the person has more or less resolved to leave, you're on the tail end of a year’s long process. It goes "things are overall good, but this stuff is annoying" -> "These things are really annoying but not bad enough that I want to leave" -> "These things are really annoying and I don't know if I can stay" -> "These things are really annoying and now I have to get out"
Unfortunately, in many cases the "annoying things" were never even articulated, or if they were, not with enough gravity. Once the "I need to leave" point is reached, whatever those things are get magnified and new ones get invented to help convince the departing partner that they are making the right choice, fort an act in self-reinforcement which sometimes requires lots of fabrication.
Over time, you have *trained each other* what to expect from the other. She knows how you will react to any given situation, what you will say, how you will act, and she has decided that's not compatible with what she wants.
If you decide you don't want that either, and decide to make a change for yourself, initially she'll think you're just doing it as a gambit to get her back and as soon as she lets her guard down, you'll revert to who you "really are" in terms of who you've trained her that you are.
In order to turn this around she needs to *fully believe* that you've changed, and that you're not doing it just to get her back.
How do you convince her of that?
(1) Repetition, lots and lots of repetition in terms of reacting differently, acting differently, than you have historically.
(2) Acting differently when no one is looking
(3) Finding a life for your new self that doesn't require her. That's the only way you make it credible that your changes are for you. She won't even see them until she believes that you don't need her.
Originally Posted by Dink
The last 5 years she I couldn’t have taken better care of her and no one could have did a better job. I have been the best in the past 5 years it has nothing to do with the last 5 years .
This is good. Years from now when she looks back she will remember more of the good times then bad.
Originally Posted by Dink
She says I just can’t seem to make myself whole again after all the pain from those previous years where I wasn’t really available for her.
It's not that she can't it's she doesn't want to make herself whole again.
Front what I can understand from her, it’s the past when I was so distant and emotionally available that she struggles with and can’t seem to get past and has been causing he mental health to be so bad and she can’t get pass it. The last 5 years she I couldn’t have taken better care of her and no one could have did a better job. I have been the best in the past 5 years it has nothing to do with the last 5 years . She says I just can’t seem to make myself whole again after all the pain from those previous years where I wasn’t really available for her.
Dink, there is a famous line from the Bon Jovi song "I'll Be There For You". It goes, "I can promise you tomorrow, but I can't buy back yesterday." There is absolutely no way you can no anything about the past. What I don't understand is why you're continuing to have these discussions with her. Remember, the first rule is DBing is never start relationship talks. And if she does you listen and validate, and be the one to end the conversation. "I have things I need to go do." Then walk away.
I've never heard of a LBS discussing their way out of their WAS wanting a divorce.
I've asked before, have you read Divorce Remedy or Divorce Busting? You are going to have to change your dynamic with her to have a chance at turning this around. But please stop discussing things with her. She keeps saying she can't get over the past, she certainly isn't going to if you keep discussing it with her.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Do you have access to her phone? Does she keep it guarded?
Not sure I understand considering what you wrote in your opening post on the thread:
Originally Posted by Dink
She even warned me at times if something didn’t change something bad was going to happen, well it did/ she had a affair, this was in 2017.
Originally Posted by Dink
After I found out about her affair she again asked for the truth and I finally admitted to her about my affair.
Originally Posted by Dink
I did everything wrong and she was still talking with other guy.
You explicitly said there was another man. Are you saying that ended and you don't believe there is another man now? Considering the history between you two and timing of the latest BD I wouldn't discount another man, and it's perhaps even likely the same man got back in touch. I'd be very curious the answer to LH's question regarding her phone.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
