A bit of an update. After saying I am going to go to do the test when it suits me no matter what, H insisted that he drives me there and stays with me. I think this is another control aspect as when he thinks he is losing control with me not relying on him he feels he has no reason to give in. Another thing I have told H is to stop love bombing via text in a clearer "your actions speak louder than words. It is confusing for me when you say things via text yet you are staying with someone else. I do not think this should continue." He did not say much after this. Today, after he picked up our son he sat down with me saying how he wants to comfort me. He hugged me tightly, kissed my hands and stroke my pregnant belly. I was not sure how to deal with it that I just distracted him or tried to get away from him and dealt with my son. I know this might be the hormones, but I did feel vulnerable and it makes me want more attention and affection. I also cannot say I don't like it, but I am not entirely sure how to think of this. I told him as he was leaving home that it confuses and hurts me that he does this and he just said sorry. I am no longer as angry with him as before so is it really that bad that sometimes I get some comfort from him? I understand his decision, and it feels like I am doing that for my own comfort and not to make him come back.
Ann, please remember that your situation is YOUR situation. Not ours. So while you might get some 2x4s and you might get some advice contrary to what you want to do, you shouldn't take that personally. We all are here just trying to help LBSs tread the waters of their situation with an objective perspective or perspectives to help them. So while the forum might tell you that you should do A, it is still in your power to do B. We see a lot of LBSs that struggle with this and think they are doing "wrong" when they go against the advice. There is no right or wrong in how you approach your H, there is simply things that the collective here have seen work better than other approaches.
As far as the test, I would encourage you to step back and ask what YOU want. You said he insisted. Why does he get to INSIST? AnnKay should get a say. If you are okay with his plan, fine. But if you aren't then you need to find your strength and standup for yourself and say: "No, I do not want you there. I am going to have a friend take me." Etc. Remember, you cannot nice him back to the MR. Commanding respect is paramount to being nice.
As far as the hugging kissing rubbing, etc. I guess the question is do you want someone that just left another person's house/bed, kissing and hugging you? This is completely up to you, but a lot of people are disgusted by the thought that he was potentially doing the same affections with the OP minutes/hours before he is doing that with you. It also is bad for detachment. It is hard to detach from someone appropriately when you they are hugging and kissing on you. It can be done, but most people find it very difficult to do.
AnnKay, remember, do not put too much value on him hugging, kissing you, rubbing your belly or SAYING he wants to take care of you. He is telling you all you need to know by going home afterwards to OW. That is where he is really telling you what you need to know. Lots of LBSs struggle with this. "He comes over, he's nice, he fixes things at the house, he hugged me and said he loved me! He then left to go home where he lives with OW, but I think things are changing!" That is focusing on what we like (the first part) and ignoring the most important part (the second part).
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you, BL42 for your inputs. I realise I need to sit down on a lot of the thoughts I have at the moment.
Originally Posted by BL42
This could very well be about him and not you. It's quite possible you could be the absolute perfect woman in the world and he would still act this way. A person's bad actions are often more about their own issues than yours. It's a balance. Do take time to honestly reflect on areas you can improve as a person, especially in relation to the marriage
I understand this is what I need to do. I spoke with my DB coach yesterday and it is clear I will have to come up with an action plan to improve myself that will put my son and myself in the centre, without my H.
Originally Posted by AnnKay
After saying I am going to go to do the test when it suits me no matter what, H insisted that he drives me there and stays with me. I think this is another control aspect as when he thinks he is losing control with me not relying on him he feels he has no reason to give in.
Originally Posted by BL42
Imo it's OK if you let him go and OK if you decide to do it without him, just make sure you're comfortable emotionally and then stick to your guns.
I did end up going with him, but he did not stay and he picked me up. I think I feel more comfortable with this option. He is the dad, and I was able to still maintain some space as he was not there all through the 2 hours test period.
Originally Posted by BL42
Good you stood up for yourself verbally, but also know you can't control what he does so you saying that doesn't stop him from love bomb texting again. The question how will you enforce this boundary if he does it again? What will your actions be?
Honestly I have not thought about this, aside from either ignoring him or telling him to stop again.
Originally Posted by BL42
To me this sounds like emotional manipulation on his part. I'm sure you have a lot of hormones and emotions and feel vulnerable being pregnant with his baby. I don't know what the "right" response is - maybe others do - but don't let him manipulate him. Remember, he's living with another woman. I think you should give a lot of thought to what your boundaries are and how you will enforce them so that when he insists on driving you to an appointment, or love bombs you with texts, or kisses your hands and strokes your belly you know in advance how you will respond with actions and are firm about it.
I think I do need to re-read the section on boundaries and sit on it.
Well you need to sit with this and dig deep if you are comfortable with him doing it. Ok so what are your boundaries to ensure he doesn't hurt and confuse you again?
Thank you, LH. This is so true that I have to really sit and decide. Maybe I need to also outline what my expectations are and what I am willing to accept and what is a definite no-go.
Ann, please remember that your situation is YOUR situation. Not ours. So while you might get some 2x4s and you might get some advice contrary to what you want to do, you shouldn't take that personally. We all are here just trying to help LBSs tread the waters of their situation with an objective perspective or perspectives to help them. So while the forum might tell you that you should do A, it is still in your power to do B. We see a lot of LBSs that struggle with this and think they are doing "wrong" when they go against the advice. There is no right or wrong in how you approach your H, there is simply things that the collective here have seen work better than other approaches.
Thank you for this reminder, SteveLW. I understand this and I do find it valuable to get a different perspective from people who have actually been in similar situations. I have been able to at least weigh in the pros and cons that I would otherwise not realise. I really appreciate the advice, but yes, if I do end up doing something different it would be because it was probably what I think was best at that time.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Remember, you cannot nice him back to the MR. Commanding respect is paramount to being nice.
I really need to practice this better. I sometimes fear that if I push him away too much he will end up resenting me, and as we are probably looking at the potential of co-parenting for a while, I would prefer him to be cooperative.
AnnKay… Setting boundaries is not pushing him away. He left you and is living with another woman. He is the one who pushed you away. Letting him have his cake and eat it too will not work in your favour. He’ll just continue to do what he’s been doing. Living with her and then coming back around to you when he feels guilty and wants you to make him feel better. So he feels better and you feel worse. Don’t let him do that to you. Glad your test day went okay. (((HUGS)))
remember, do not put too much value on him hugging, kissing you, rubbing your belly or SAYING he wants to take care of you. He is telling you all you need to know by going home afterwards to OW. That is where he is really telling you what you need to know. Lots of LBSs struggle with this. "He comes over, he's nice, he fixes things at the house, he hugged me and said he loved me! He then left to go home where he lives with OW, but I think things are changing!" That is focusing on what we like (the first part) and ignoring the most important part (the second part).
This makes me think of when I was dating in my 20s. If I would not take any potential suitor's words seriously without real effort or evidence of commitment then, I should be able to do the same now. I know this might sound like I am simplifying the situation. Granted, things are more complicated now with marriage and children, but in principle it should be the same mindset.
Ann, please remember that your situation is YOUR situation. Not ours. So while you might get some 2x4s and you might get some advice contrary to what you want to do, you shouldn't take that personally. We all are here just trying to help LBSs tread the waters of their situation with an objective perspective or perspectives to help them. So while the forum might tell you that you should do A, it is still in your power to do B. We see a lot of LBSs that struggle with this and think they are doing "wrong" when they go against the advice. There is no right or wrong in how you approach your H, there is simply things that the collective here have seen work better than other approaches.
Thank you for this reminder, SteveLW. I understand this and I do find it valuable to get a different perspective from people who have actually been in similar situations. I have been able to at least weigh in the pros and cons that I would otherwise not realise. I really appreciate the advice, but yes, if I do end up doing something different it would be because it was probably what I think was best at that time.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Remember, you cannot nice him back to the MR. Commanding respect is paramount to being nice.
I really need to practice this better. I sometimes fear that if I push him away too much he will end up resenting me, and as we are probably looking at the potential of co-parenting for a while, I would prefer him to be cooperative.
Built up resentment is 90% of the reason people end up here. You want him to be less resentful let him go. You want him to be less resentful show him that you will be happy and healthy on your own. This really is your best option right now.
remember, do not put too much value on him hugging, kissing you, rubbing your belly or SAYING he wants to take care of you. He is telling you all you need to know by going home afterwards to OW. That is where he is really telling you what you need to know. Lots of LBSs struggle with this. "He comes over, he's nice, he fixes things at the house, he hugged me and said he loved me! He then left to go home where he lives with OW, but I think things are changing!" That is focusing on what we like (the first part) and ignoring the most important part (the second part).
This makes me think of when I was dating in my 20s. If I would not take any potential suitor's words seriously without real effort or evidence of commitment then, I should be able to do the same now. I know this might sound like I am simplifying the situation. Granted, things are more complicated now with marriage and children, but in principle it should be the same mindset.
Actual it is quite simple: Action not words. But most LBSs complicate it because they do not want to face reality. Do not let his words and token actions overshadow what is most important which is that he lives with OW.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
He is the one who pushed you away. Letting him have his cake and eat it too will not work in your favour. He’ll just continue to do what he’s been doing. Living with her and then coming back around to you when he feels guilty and wants you to make him feel better. So he feels better and you feel worse. Don’t let him do that to you. Glad your test day went okay. (((HUGS)))
Thank you, DejaVu for posting this. I tend to go back to this when I feel tempted to give in.
The last week has been quite hard. It is one of those situations where you thought, what's the worst that could happen, and then the worst did. I found out my Dad might have cancer and Ob found I have dangerously low iron level and Gestational Diabetes. I know most of these things are manageable nowadays, but on top of all the emotional lows brought by the separation and also being pregnant, it is just a bit too much. Despite everything, I always look forward to seeing my friends in the weekends and sometime I do stay over. It is a Godsend when it comes to relieving my stress and anxiety, as well as just generally making me feel more of myself again. H and I normally arrange weekend visits at the start of the week and this week has been a little different because of a holiday we had on Monday. He just said yesterday that he could not come on Saturday, and I told him, OK,I can go on Sunday until Monday. I thought I was being reasonable and I did not push him to be available on the day where he said he could not. I also did not pry into what he's doing or where he's going, but the minute I said I am going Sunday to Monday, he said "well, I have to see and ask first," and he kept asking why, what I'm doing, and where I'm going. I don't know whether I want to say much about what I'm doing, because I did not ask that of him, and so what if I am away, he is the one who chose to leave. Surely he does not get to have much say in it as he chose to leave this relationship, but should I even share any of this to him? And does he have the right to say anything to what I do? I know that he might be pressured by the OW, but am I wrong to think that that I should not be pressured as well? It is his issue with the OW. It just seems like he does not fully understand the consequences of him deciding to leave, especially when it comes to not knowing where I am or what I am doing.
