I wonder if the death of her father 5 months ago made her feel more like …my time is limited and I deserve to be happy and is a emotional decision? From what she tells me is that it about not being able to get over the years where I was unfortunately emotional available for her and she is a very needed woman to boot.
It’s absolutely an emotional decision. It’s possible the death of her father helped triggered it. Unfortunately it changes nothing.
She offered to go to our other house which is only 30 minutes away. It is in the town where both work . I told her I would stay there so that I could work on stuff to get it ready. I don’t believe she truly wants a divorce because she love the family aspect we have and was a issue last time we separated as well. she wants to be friend and do stuff as a family, when I told that wouldn't happen last time, she said that was part of the reason she came back because how it was affecting the kids and me and the family. This time she still wants all that but said she hasn't been able to move past the years of my not being available and emotionally not present for some many years. Though she has love for me know after these past three years it currant hasn't obviously filled the hole that She says is still in her heart.
Having sex and cuddling every night after she told me she wanted a divorce a week ago was Been difficult to read but she now says it was a mistake because it probably made me think everything was ok and she changed her mind when she had not.
She told me a week ago she wanted the divorce. We had still been in the same house this past week and things for the most part we pretty normal no much more talk about it and we even cuddled and had sex during the week. She kept calling me babe and such but I knew from the few Times we talked about it this week that she was set in her decision. I came home yesterday and told I would move to or other place for the time being to give her space as we go forward with divorce and figure things out and when to tell the kids. We both cried a lot and after about a hour or so I left. I have not spoke with her today
Dink, I would let her go to the other home. You aren't the one that wants a D, why should you be the one to leave?
Yes I'm sure in her mind it is made up. But then it was 3 years ago when she moved out too. They are always sure it is what they want, until they aren't. Just start DBing and l let her figure out her own crap. I'd also stop crying with her. Emotionally even is where you want to be. Read up on emotional detachment.
Last edited by SteveLW; 03/15/2211:15 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Change the way you interact with her. Change the way you behave when you are around her. This will change the way she thinks of you. Do not let her emotions effect yours. Become amazing. Do not let fear control you. Use your logic. Lead her through this process. And most important, do not be boring.
Lots of wise people here, sift through as much as you can and make a plan on how to be a man only a fool would leave.
R2C
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I am struggling with it because things were a lot better for the most part with us but recently I had dropped ball,a few time by being tired a few nights and not being able to stay awake when she need to talk about stuff. I apologized but unfortunately it I believe brought up the past resentment and caused thing to trigger again.
I am struggling with it because things were a lot better for the most part with us but recently I had dropped ball,a few time by being tired a few nights and not being able to stay awake when she need to talk about stuff. I apologized but unfortunately it I believe brought up the past resentment and caused thing to trigger again.
This smacks of putting her needs (to talk) above your needs (for rest). Putting her needs above your own is a great way to become her best friend. It is an awful way to command her respect and be the man she needs you to be. It is a sure sign of Nice Guy Syndrome. Have you ever read No More Mr. Nice Guy? I would suggest giving it a read.
"Nicing" her back or to get her to stay is not in your best interest long-term. If you've turned into a Mr. Nice GUy after she left 3 years ago then all you were doing is setting yourself for a future (now the most recent) BD.
I did go back and read your last thread. You made one post then disappeared from the forum. So it begs the question, what work did you do after she came back? What work did you demand from her? Dink, I can relate to all of this because I made a similar mistake in my MR. in 2005 we had our first situation. She immediately said she didn't want a divorce and she went into a resistant recovery mode. I became Mr. Stepford Husband. After a while that wasn't sustainable, and since we didn't do the work necessary to really heal the MR, 12 years later we were right back into a similar situation, this time she said she wanted a D.
Have you read Divorce Busting and/or Divorce Remedy?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I am struggling with it because things were a lot better for the most part with us but recently I had dropped ball, a few time by being tired a few nights and not being able to stay awake when she need to talk about stuff.
Yeah so that's why no matter what you do right now it isn't going to be sustainable. Relationships typically end for one of two reasons. She isn't attracted to you anymore or she doesn't see a happy future with you. So the best thing you can do right now is let her go, wish her well and go out and live your best life. That is the only winning strategy. Time and space is the only cure for these two reasons. If you go live a kick a$$ life and she wants to comeback you can revisit at that time.
Originally Posted by Dink
I apologized but unfortunately it I believe brought up the past resentment and caused thing to trigger again.
Yes! Everything you do wrong will cause this to happen. She needs to burn through the resentment which will take time and space away from you. It could take a year or maybe 10 but eventually it will happen. Until then a happy secure reconciliation is not in the cards. For you to reconcile she has to:
1) see you as someone of extremely high value 2) views a relationship with you as something much better than a life with someone else or a life alone 3) She's willing to work to win you
Without those three things, she's going to walk again down the line, because she really doesn't have the motivation to work with you to change anything, your relationship will keep seeking the same equilibrium it has had because of how your personalities and issues come together.
Given that you have to make things worse before they can possibly get better, divorce may not be a bad choice, which is to say that you don't continue to comingle your lives (aside from the kids) and you are free to live your own lives.
That way she can really see if that way of life is better or worse for her. Prepare yourself that in the beginning she will view it as better, mainly because she'll find new found freedom and has convinced herself that its what she wants. It may take six months or five years for reality to set in, but it certainly will. Our good friend SteveLW was posted that his research shows that 90% of WWs will eventually want to reconcile. The real question becomes will you take her back.
My advice would be to lean in to what she wants, agree to divorce, and work productively with her on the plan with the presentation that you're on board and plan to enjoy this change also. That's going to make her wonder. You want her to wonder what you're thinking, and from this point forward you shouldn't tell her anything about your frame of mind -- nothing at all.
