We've had LBSs here that hang on every word their WAS says, even though the WAS's actions are diametrically opposed to what they are saying. Trying to find an emotional evenness should be your goal, in fact that is detachment. Not reacting emotionally to his words or deeds.
Your reply made me think about starting a different journal, specifically dedicated in noting words vs actions that my H does. I found journalling to be helpful, so this may give me some ways to see things in a more factual way.
[quote=AnnKay] This statement is typically your brain trying to convince you it is ok to pursue. What does fighting for your marriage look like?
yes, I have to admit, at times it is hard to not go back and forth between pursue and distance because I was hopeful every time H seems nicer or say nice things. Maybe fighting for my marriage for me would mean emotionally not giving up on the idea that my H will come back, but practically I am not entirely sure what it looks like.
We've had LBSs here that hang on every word their WAS says, even though the WAS's actions are diametrically opposed to what they are saying. Trying to find an emotional evenness should be your goal, in fact that is detachment. Not reacting emotionally to his words or deeds.
Your reply made me think about starting a different journal, specifically dedicated in noting words vs actions that my H does. I found journalling to be helpful, so this may give me some ways to see things in a more factual way.
Yes we all struggled with wanting to hear and see what we wanted to. This sounds like a good idea.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I concur with what others have said. I would get a friend to go with me for the test if I were you. IMO, your H has forfeited his rights to have a part in your pregnancy. I know that sounds harsh but honestly, I think him being there would just be more stressful for you and would only open the door to more mixed messages on his part. Ask yourself this… if your H had died (practically speaking, he has), what arrangements would you be doing right now to prepare for your child’s birth?
RE: looking after your son. He’s the dad. As long as you don’t have safety concerns, it’s his responsibility and he should look after him. Stick with your plans and spend the weekend with your girlfriends.
Re: the phone. My XH used to leave his phone lying around and barely paid any attention to it. He certainly didn’t care if I looked at it. One day that just changed. All of a sudden, it was always on him and he was quite protective of it. At the time, I didn’t pay too much attention to it because I trusted him. In hind sight though, it was the first big sign that something wasn’t right. Also…his defensiveness ramped up 100X when it came to me asking him any details about anything that had to do with what he was doing when he wasn’t with me. He would rarely answer the question and instead, would turn it back on me and make it about me not trusting him. I would then feel guilty about it and stop asking which is exactly what he wanted me to do. I later learned that the name for his behaviour was gaslighting and he was/is a master at it. Listen to your intuition when it comes to things like this. Unlike your H, it doesn’t lie to you.
Thank you BL42, DejaVu, LH, SteveLW, Ready2Change and everyone who have been taking the time to read my posts and reply to me. I really means a lot for me at the moment. Thanks as well for your inputs about how to think about this and what I should do.
I think for issue #1 on H coming to the test, I am not emotionally comfortable yet to completely cut him off being involved in the pregnancy. I am thinking of saying that I am going to go to the appointment at a time that suits me, and if he wants to take me, he could take me at that time. If he cannot, I will go with a friend. Independently, I am trying to round up some friends to support me when the time comes. My cousin has also confirmed she is flying over end of this month. Although she is here for work, but at least I know I can rely on her if I need anything.
for #2, yes, I should learn not to overthinking too much and just take his actions as is. I do not have safety concerns and my son is obviously comfortable with them. I hope I do not appear like a bad mother for wanting to have some time away from home and away from my son. It can be hard at times to be in the house both physically and mentally.
I later learned that the name for his behaviour was gaslighting and he was/is a master at it. Listen to your intuition when it comes to things like this. Unlike your H, it doesn’t lie to you.
I realise now this is also gaslighting. H accused me of all sorts of things when he left that are just untrue but made me feel as if it was my fault. He accused me of not being as 'active' as OW. I run 4 times a week and do pilates and yoga twice a week. He accused me of not letting me have his own time, yet I was OK with him playing sports away from home hours at a time. He plays cricket so one game will take up to 8 hours. We also go out at least once every week separately with our own circles. I kind of see now that I was probably too trusting and he is treating me like pushover.
A bit of an update. After saying I am going to go to do the test when it suits me no matter what, H insisted that he drives me there and stays with me. I think this is another control aspect as when he thinks he is losing control with me not relying on him he feels he has no reason to give in. Another thing I have told H is to stop love bombing via text in a clearer "your actions speak louder than words. It is confusing for me when you say things via text yet you are staying with someone else. I do not think this should continue." He did not say much after this. Today, after he picked up our son he sat down with me saying how he wants to comfort me. He hugged me tightly, kissed my hands and stroke my pregnant belly. I was not sure how to deal with it that I just distracted him or tried to get away from him and dealt with my son. I know this might be the hormones, but I did feel vulnerable and it makes me want more attention and affection. I also cannot say I don't like it, but I am not entirely sure how to think of this. I told him as he was leaving home that it confuses and hurts me that he does this and he just said sorry. I am no longer as angry with him as before so is it really that bad that sometimes I get some comfort from him? I understand his decision, and it feels like I am doing that for my own comfort and not to make him come back.
I hope I do not appear like a bad mother for wanting to have some time away from home and away from my son. It can be hard at times to be in the house both physically and mentally.
Don't worry how you appear to others; be true to yourself. It's OK to give yourself a break and get some time away for yourself. Remember a part of DB'ing is GAL, which I'm sure isn't easy 6 months pregnant, so enjoy your time with your girlfriends and come back refreshed for your son.
Originally Posted by AnnKay
H accused me of all sorts of things when he left that are just untrue but made me feel as if it was my fault. He accused me of not being as 'active' as OW. I run 4 times a week and do pilates and yoga twice a week. He accused me of not letting me have his own time, yet I was OK with him playing sports away from home hours at a time. He plays cricket so one game will take up to 8 hours. We also go out at least once every week separately with our own circles. I kind of see now that I was probably too trusting and he is treating me like pushover.
This could very well be about him and not you. It's quite possible you could be the absolute perfect woman in the world and he would still act this way. A person's bad actions are often more about their own issues than yours. It's a balance. Do take time to honestly reflect on areas you can improve as a person, especially in relation to the marriage, but on the other hand don't spin on thoughts like "if I only ran one more day of the week" or "if I only let him play cricket two days a week instead of one"...those sorts of items are not reasons to have an affair and get a divorce and if those are the issues it was never about you in the first place.
Originally Posted by AnnKay
After saying I am going to go to do the test when it suits me no matter what, H insisted that he drives me there and stays with me. I think this is another control aspect as when he thinks he is losing control with me not relying on him he feels he has no reason to give in.
Imo it's OK if you let him go and OK if you decide to do it without him, just make sure you're comfortable emotionally and then stick to your guns.
Originally Posted by AnnKay
Another thing I have told H is to stop love bombing via text in a clearer "your actions speak louder than words. It is confusing for me when you say things via text yet you are staying with someone else. I do not think this should continue." He did not say much after this.
Good you stood up for yourself verbally, but also know you can't control what he does so you saying that doesn't stop him from love bomb texting again. The question how will you enforce this boundary if he does it again? What will your actions be?
Originally Posted by AnnKay
Today, after he picked up our son he sat down with me saying how he wants to comfort me. He hugged me tightly, kissed my hands and stroke my pregnant belly. I was not sure how to deal with it that I just distracted him or tried to get away from him and dealt with my son. I know this might be the hormones, but I did feel vulnerable and it makes me want more attention and affection. I also cannot say I don't like it, but I am not entirely sure how to think of this. I told him as he was leaving home that it confuses and hurts me that he does this and he just said sorry. I am no longer as angry with him as before so is it really that bad that sometimes I get some comfort from him? I understand his decision, and it feels like I am doing that for my own comfort and not to make him come back.
To me this sounds like emotional manipulation on his part. I'm sure you have a lot of hormones and emotions and feel vulnerable being pregnant with his baby. I don't know what the "right" response is - maybe others do - but don't let him manipulate him. Remember, he's living with another woman. I think you should give a lot of thought to what your boundaries are and how you will enforce them so that when he insists on driving you to an appointment, or love bombs you with texts, or kisses your hands and strokes your belly you know in advance how you will respond with actions and are firm about it.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
A bit of an update. After saying I am going to go to do the test when it suits me no matter what, H insisted that he drives me there and stays with me.
Well you have final say if you want him to take him or not.
Originally Posted by AnnKay
I think this is another control aspect as when he thinks he is losing control with me not relying on him he feels he has no reason to give in.
Maybe. Or maybe he is trying to do the right thing as the father of the baby.
Originally Posted by AnnKay
Another thing I have told H is to stop love bombing via text in a clearer "your actions speak louder than words. It is confusing for me when you say things via text yet you are staying with someone else. I do not think this should continue." He did not say much after this.
Ok Ann this is a form of control on your part. Husband is free to text you what he wants unless you block him. Otherwise you just ignore it.
Originally Posted by AnnKay
Today, after he picked up our son he sat down with me saying how he wants to comfort me. He hugged me tightly, kissed my hands and stroke my pregnant belly. I was not sure how to deal with it that I just distracted him or tried to get away from him and dealt with my son. I know this might be the hormones, but I did feel vulnerable and it makes me want more attention and affection. I also cannot say I don't like it, but I am not entirely sure how to think of this.
Well you need to sit with this and dig deep if you are comfortable with him doing it.
Originally Posted by AnnKay
I told him as he was leaving home that it confuses and hurts me that he does this and he just said sorry.
Ok so what are your boundaries to ensure he doesn't hurt and confuse you again?
Originally Posted by AnnKay
I am no longer as angry with him as before so is it really that bad that sometimes I get some comfort from him?
That's up to you. What are your expectations? When they are not met will it send you spinning?
Originally Posted by AnnKay
I understand his decision, and it feels like I am doing that for my own comfort and not to make him come back.
I think you may have to sit with this one for a bit. Your exact words are that you want the attention and affection although it confuses and hurts you. You are not being congruent with your words.
Your situation is very difficult Ann. I am not going to lie you have a really long road ahead and the quicker that you detach the easier it will be for you and the baby.
