Legally separated, in our homes...Part 3

[Mach40]

Closure is a difficult word to describe. Its not like I am selling a home or car and its gone.
When the wife leaves, okay she has already left, I need to be able to turn and walk without regrets, feelings etc.
And its a little tougher when you will see your kids and grand kids. They are daily reminders.

[LH19]

I need to be able to turn and walk without regrets, feelings etc.

What regrets do you have? What could be said that would give you closure?

And its a little tougher when you will see your kids and grand kids. They are daily reminders.

When I see my kids it's a reminder to me that no matter whatever $hit we put each other through we did do something right.

[SteveLW]

M40 couple of things. Home remodeling sure fits in my definition of GAL! Well done. It is amazing how doing something as simple (and relatively inexpensive) as painting can really do wonders! That is awesome.

I can understand (thought I can't personally relate) to the seeing the kids and grandkids being reminders. As you said, you are both sad. That could be a contributing factor obviously. Any thoughts on her sadness not being enough of a motivation to try to work things out? We recently had a debate on a similar topic in Scott's thread. It struck me when you said you were both sad because it kind of frustrates me. When a WAS has the power to right the ship, and despite sadness and misgivings continues to push forward for D, it always makes me wonder why? A lot of WASs are flawed human-beings looking for a quick fix to their unhappiness, and ending a MR is that quick fix. I have a theory that most WASs end up just as miserable post-D than they were pre-D. (NOTE: for you extremists out there I said MOST not ALL!)

Hang in there though M40, between working, spending time with the kids and grandkids, and the house remodeling I think you are doing a lot better than you think you are with GAL.

[LH19]

I have a theory that most WASs end up just as miserable post-D than they were pre-D. (NOTE: for you extremists out there I said MOST not ALL!)

Sorry Steve but the data does not support this claim.

Statistical data suggests that at least one-third of people regret their marriage dissolution.

That number can rise to 80% for ex-spouses who chose the wrong reasons to get divorced and feel that it could have been prevented if both parties had put forth more effort.

Thus, we should remember that every serious decision concerning family can have long-lasting consequences and should be made with a considerable amount of thought.

[Mach40]

I need to be able to turn and walk without regrets, feelings etc.

What regrets do you have? What could be said that would give you closure?

And its a little tougher when you will see your kids and grand kids. They are daily reminders.

When I see my kids it's a reminder to me that no matter whatever $hit we put each other through we did do something right.

Regrets are things that happened that I could have changed. When you are ignorant, not aware of things, then they are revealed to you, it is bothersome. So, I know there are things I could have done that would have changed the outcome, but didnt, because I was ignorant to them
SO that is a regret. Its personal, but I regret it. I wont forget my mistakes.
Yes, kids are wonderful creations. I am glad the situation between my wife and I didnt really affect anyone and we get along great. Allot of it is due to age of kids and maturity..

[LH19]

Regrets are things that happened that I could have changed. When you are ignorant, not aware of things, then they are revealed to you, it is bothersome. So, I know there are things I could have done that would have changed the outcome, but didnt, because I was ignorant to them SO that is a regret.

We are all right there with you Mach and you need to find away to forgive yourself. You did the best you could with the info that you had at the time. You will be a great partner for someone else down the road or maybe your STBXW changes her mind. Chin up and tits out!

[Mach40]

M40 couple of things. Home remodeling sure fits in my definition of GAL! Well done. It is amazing how doing something as simple (and relatively inexpensive) as painting can really do wonders! That is awesome.

I can understand (thought I can't personally relate) to the seeing the kids and grandkids being reminders. As you said, you are both sad. That could be a contributing factor obviously. Any thoughts on her sadness not being enough of a motivation to try to work things out? We recently had a debate on a similar topic in Scott's thread. It struck me when you said you were both sad because it kind of frustrates me. When a WAS has the power to right the ship, and despite sadness and misgivings continues to push forward for D, it always makes me wonder why? A lot of WASs are flawed human-beings looking for a quick fix to their unhappiness, and ending a MR is that quick fix. I have a theory that most WASs end up just as miserable post-D than they were pre-D. (NOTE: for you extremists out there I said MOST not ALL!)

Hang in there though M40, between working, spending time with the kids and grandkids, and the house remodeling I think you are doing a lot better than you think you are with GAL.

Remodeling is funny. One daughter is in her dark phase, and the other is the Mother phase. So they clash on ideas. Living room is going to be a welcoming, more manly, but not MAN Cave.. Light and beachy/nautical/barn if that makes sense. Grand kids, making a play room with chalk paint too....

Being sad is a phase, sometimes last for years. She and I both had relationships that hurt us bad, and it took quite a few years to recover. Different era in the 90s, not allot of help per say.
Is she sad enough to right the ship, sure, its possible. Reality is more than likely not. She is a workaholic, a real one, and when she plans something she executes it. Her plan was to become self sufficient, aggressively get a retirement and pay off anew home she bought. That will take up 95% of her life. The other 5 % will be her Dad, Daughters, grand kids and sister. Her sister is in a band with her husband, and it gives her an out to relax, forget things..
We are all flawed, no in perfect. But, something in the back of peoples minds think there is perfection out there. Aww, the paradox of choices.
I am not going to guess whether she is miserable. I would like to say I wish her to be very happy after us, as I dont hate her. But, I dont want to have to see her happy with someone else. Selfish, I know.

[SteveLW]

I need to be able to turn and walk without regrets, feelings etc.

What regrets do you have? What could be said that would give you closure?

And its a little tougher when you will see your kids and grand kids. They are daily reminders.

When I see my kids it's a reminder to me that no matter whatever $hit we put each other through we did do something right.

Regrets are things that happened that I could have changed. When you are ignorant, not aware of things, then they are revealed to you, it is bothersome. So, I know there are things I could have done that would have changed the outcome, but didnt, because I was ignorant to them
SO that is a regret. Its personal, but I regret it. I wont forget my mistakes.
Yes, kids are wonderful creations. I am glad the situation between my wife and I didnt really affect anyone and we get along great. Allot of it is due to age of kids and maturity..

I love to see LBSs learn from things whether or not the MR is saved. I know I am in a much better place because of the work I put in, and continue to do. IC is huge for me. It helps me see things I wouldn't have seen without an outside perspective. That is why I am such a huge proponent of IC. I get that some are resistant to it, I was for many many years. But I cannot believe the perspective that can be achieved when you find a good IC, and stick with it. I know a lot of LBSs say that they can't afford it, but I've always maintained that LBSs cannot afford not to. (Yes I get that financial situations are different, but where there is a will there is a way.)

[SteveLW]

M40 couple of things. Home remodeling sure fits in my definition of GAL! Well done. It is amazing how doing something as simple (and relatively inexpensive) as painting can really do wonders! That is awesome.

I can understand (thought I can't personally relate) to the seeing the kids and grandkids being reminders. As you said, you are both sad. That could be a contributing factor obviously. Any thoughts on her sadness not being enough of a motivation to try to work things out? We recently had a debate on a similar topic in Scott's thread. It struck me when you said you were both sad because it kind of frustrates me. When a WAS has the power to right the ship, and despite sadness and misgivings continues to push forward for D, it always makes me wonder why? A lot of WASs are flawed human-beings looking for a quick fix to their unhappiness, and ending a MR is that quick fix. I have a theory that most WASs end up just as miserable post-D than they were pre-D. (NOTE: for you extremists out there I said MOST not ALL!)

Hang in there though M40, between working, spending time with the kids and grandkids, and the house remodeling I think you are doing a lot better than you think you are with GAL.

Remodeling is funny. One daughter is in her dark phase, and the other is the Mother phase. So they clash on ideas. Living room is going to be a welcoming, more manly, but not MAN Cave.. Light and beachy/nautical/barn if that makes sense. Grand kids, making a play room with chalk paint too....

Being sad is a phase, sometimes last for years. She and I both had relationships that hurt us bad, and it took quite a few years to recover. Different era in the 90s, not allot of help per say.
Is she sad enough to right the ship, sure, its possible. Reality is more than likely not. She is a workaholic, a real one, and when she plans something she executes it. Her plan was to become self sufficient, aggressively get a retirement and pay off anew home she bought. That will take up 95% of her life. The other 5 % will be her Dad, Daughters, grand kids and sister. Her sister is in a band with her husband, and it gives her an out to relax, forget things..
We are all flawed, no in perfect. But, something in the back of peoples minds think there is perfection out there. Aww, the paradox of choices.
I am not going to guess whether she is miserable. I would like to say I wish her to be very happy after us, as I dont hate her. But, I dont want to have to see her happy with someone else. Selfish, I know.

Big fan of rustic barn motif. In fact, I am getting ready to do a barnwood wall covering in my mancave. Just talked to a vendor about it the other day. Now I just need to get my friend who is a carpenter lined up to install it!

I do think that WAS are conflicted, I saw it in my own situation. I think there is a good chance that if my W was more of a go-getter in terms of life goals, etc, that we would have ended up D'd from this last situation. I think the combination of me working to remove the pain points in the marriage, combined with the energy required to put her preferred plan in action kind of got her to fall back into the comfortable rather than the disruptive. I have a lot to say on my theories as to why she eventually turned back to the marriage, but the reasons are very complex and involve almost innumerable factors. So that is for another day. But yes, that paradox they face is real. I like your attitude a lot that you wish her happiness in the future. And I think we all can relate with your feeling on not necessarily wanting to see her happy with someone else.

Good stuff M40.

[BL42]

Mach40,

She is a workaholic, a real one, and when she plans something she executes it. Her plan was to become self sufficient, aggressively get a retirement and pay off anew home she bought. That will take up 95% of her life. The other 5 % will be her Dad, Daughters, grand kids and sister.

Any chance you're both workaholics, and that contributed? I notice you wrote this...

No real GAL due to work. 6 days a week takes its tole on you on the road.

I do have positives. My daughters and grand kids are doing great.

Yes, absolutely. Kids (and grandkids in your case) are always the caveats in a sitch...even when people feel like they wish they'd never met their ex, it's hard to wish away the kids!

I did start remodeling the house before I left. Painted interior. Totally transformed my home. That will keep me busy when I get back. Furniture, decorations etc. Whole house man cave?

That's awesome! I did a number of updates to the house as well. Keeps you busy, makes the place "your own", and self-improvements give a sense of accomplishment.

And its a little tougher when you will see your kids and grand kids. They are daily reminders.

When I see my kids it's a reminder to me that no matter whatever $hit we put each other through we did do something right.

Love LH's attitude on this...flips the narrative.

It struck me when you said you were both sad because it kind of frustrates me. When a WAS has the power to right the ship, and despite sadness and misgivings continues to push forward for D, it always makes me wonder why? A lot of WASs are flawed human-beings looking for a quick fix to their unhappiness, and ending a MR is that quick fix.

This is frustrating. Seems like a better world if both would commit as promise and work through it.

Regrets are things that happened that I could have changed. When you are ignorant, not aware of things, then they are revealed to you, it is bothersome. So, I know there are things I could have done that would have changed the outcome, but didnt, because I was ignorant to them SO that is a regret.

We are all right there with you Mach and you need to find away to forgive yourself. You did the best you could with the info that you had at the time. You will be a great partner for someone else down the road or maybe your STBXW changes her mind. Chin up and tits out!

Completely agree w/LH here. Forgive yourself and improve for the future. That's all you can do.

I love to see LBSs learn from things whether or not the MR is saved.

Also agree w/SteveLW. We can see you reflecting and trying to improve. Good to see.

Hang in there Mach40 and keep us posted.