I've been on dates and there will be light texting after the date but I really leave it up to the guy to pursue asking me out again. Sometimes they just don't for whatever reason and I let them go.
I don't bat an eye, shed a tear or give a flying F.
KK, when I read this I'm like.. hmm.. your "instant chemistry" picker led you to pilot and before that you were with xh. Those were toxic relationships. Logically, your picker like mine may be off. It may be worth giving people you don't feel instant chemistry with an extra date or two, and people you do feel instant chemistry with an extra date or two before intimacy is on the table? That probably makes good sense to your intellectual mind, right? Just throwing it out there. (:
I do believe you're compassionate, creative, and smart--you deserve better partners!
Originally Posted by KitKat
[quote=KitKat]I had a couple of dates with a guy. He was wanting something more serious committed than where I was out with him. I didn't know him that well but I didn't want to hold him back from what he was looking for. I bowed out and wished him well. He came back all apologetic that he was chasing the wrong thing. We went out again but I was a point where I just said I'm focusing on tidying up my D. We were in the last 90 days after a year and 1/2 of limbo. I was focusing more on friendship and having fun... taking the time to get to know someone before being committed. Again, he was wanting a bigger commitment and said so... I let him go again.
You had a couple of good dates and he says, "I'm looking for a committed relationship." You weren't ready then--cool. "For now, I just want to have fun and see what happens." I'm going to propose bowing out wasn't entirely *for him* to keep from *holding him back*. All you had to do to achieve that is communicate what you were open to. He's then empowered to continue if and only if he feels it's worth the risk. It sounds like he felt you were worth the risk. Stating your boundaries and letting others decide if it works for them is strong, vulnerable. Ceding some control. Anyway, I seem to recall there were other things amiss about that particular guy so I believe you made the right move for you. Just a thought for the next time around!
It does seem to look the questions trigger you a bit. In your time away from us - have you looked at why that is? Why you feel such judgement when we ask you hard questions?
Valeska, I've thought on this for myself. FWIW, sometimes, a hard question or joke is preceded by a comment that's judgmental ("Nothing has changed."--those ALL and NOTHINGs comments!) On the Internet it can be easy to see the following hard questions or jokes through the same lens even if the opinions of the following poster are different. That is to say, from time to time I know I've taken well-meaning comments from amazing people more harshly than intended. For me, the solution was a small break. For Steve, the solution was to block someone who regularly distracted him. My personal opinion is *some* things haven't changed. I'm happy *other* things are going well for KK and I hope she feels supported in the way you wrote on the other thread even as she's asked hard questions.
I had more than 2 dates with pilot. When we first met I did not even give him ANY serious consideration until after the 3rd date.
As for the other guy. I made myself available. I even reached out and invited him out the first time around AND the second time he reached out to try again. The ball was 100% in his court. I will attest the second time I was focused on the final wrapping up of the D but I was honest about it.
I will NOT be made to feel bad because I chose to be focused on my XH regardless of his issues. I'm not some saint. I chose to focus on over the decade we had together.
My choice may not have been your choice... but F Off. It was mine to make.
I don't need judgements.
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TYPED OUT - I'M NOT PUTTING UP WITH PILOT ANY LONGER AND I'M LEAVING IT GO.
Stop talking like I'm still pursuing this guy. geesh...
This why this board is not thriving and won't survive.
It will be the same 6 people kicking it in the sand box.
I got disappointed by pilot because I had expectations. He bothered coming back so I was hopeful that it might be because there was something more there.
I had a right to process my feelings, be disappointed. But, I was the one to say... I get it he is not that into me.
LH probed more questions which I honestly answered. But, I kept accepting that there was nothing more for me to do.
Everyone else chimes in about how nothing has changed.
How about you take a minute and go KK - great! I'm glad you can see pursuing this with pilot is not your best option. That's positive... not the negative spouting of my bad taste in toxic men. WTH... I just said several pages ago I was no longer contacting him. I processed the last text he sent me here for context... and let it go.
Everything has changed. I've changed.
All of you need to take a step back and look at how you approach things and people. THIS is the reason this board is failing.
I get you’re feeling judged. That wasn’t my intention. I will bow out and wish you amazing luck. (:
You and LH are probably the least judgy people on the board.
Negative Nancy's don't win.
I may have gotten 3 things out of 10 wrong on the test. Focusing on the 3 things I got wrong doesn't necessarily help me if THAT's all you do over and over. There were 7 things I got right.
I just think its important to remember that there are actual people on the other side of this. When there is animinity its so easy to throw shade, but take a minute and look what the person might be getting right.
The only reason I spending some time to say something is that multiple people recognize this board is failing and not being utilized as a resource. Sit down and ask your whys.
Why might this be happening?
Why is this other board so successful with thousands world wide and we haven't had a new member since when?
This is the only board where I have been bombarded in such a way as this. I'm saying its not very helpful and a newby coming to the board isn't going to open up to such judgement, especially when other resources are available.
KK on the surface nothing has changed as far as the pilot and your ex husband seem to be the main focus as far as men go in your life. That doesn't mean that you haven't changed but you must admit that you are clearly not seeing patterns that are obvious to us.
I think you actually had the best explanation why the board has changed. I am also curious to the 3 reasons why people leave marriages that you cited. I have also read about 3 and curious to if they are the same. I would appreciate it if you wouldn't mind sharing.
Do you think you ever really had anytime to grieve the end of your marriage?
KK on the surface nothing has changed as far as the pilot and your ex husband seem to be the main focus as far as men go in your life. That doesn't mean that you haven't changed but you must admit that you are clearly not seeing patterns that are obvious to us.
I think you actually had the best explanation why the board has changed. I am also curious to the 3 reasons why people leave marriages that you cited. I have also read about 3 and curious to if they are the same. I would appreciate it if you wouldn't mind sharing.
Do you think you ever really had anytime to grieve the end of your marriage?
It seems that way because I came back and shared my story at this particular time. 3mo ago or 6mo later... different story.
I never expected pilot to reach out again. I had written him off. I liked him enough the last time to try again. I just got burned a second time and that [censored], but I'm okay because what if it had worked out? Wouldn't that have been amazing? I'm that person. The glass is half full.
As for my EX. I was done. I had written him off the beginning of last July. He would text and I replied only via email. He would text me in response to that email... I waited until I could email him again. I was DONE. Then I got a text that was different... so I took a chance. And, EX was different. Was he trusting enough to think that things would stay different that he stopped the D. He did not... but he kept coming round after the D. He would ramp up his texting when I left town. I got to a point where I realized I wasn't getting what I needed. Right now there is nothing but space between us. It will stay that way until he ever decides he wants it to be different again... and if I'm available we'll see BUT, I am not putting my life on hold for him.
So I was letting my M go but I suppose they feel some rift in the force and come back just to make sure you're moving on just yet... because you never know... they may have made a mistake.
As for the reasons people divorce. They are quite simple. I do not feel you like me. I do not feel you love me. I do not feel you respect me. Research documented by Gottman.
I may have not like my XH at times but I always loved him and did my best to respect. BUT, the key factor is my XH did not feel those things from me. No matter how many things I could list that I do for him... he felt those things were hung over his head and didn't truly feel what he need to. I accept that. I accept at the time we did not have the proper communication tools. Its easy to get into a rut.
I thought we were slowly getting there - esp in December. But, he's pulled back again. And, just like Pilot I'm not chasing him either. He knows where to find me.
I hear that you feel like we focused on your few potential wrongs and ignored your many potential rights. You don't like feeling incoming negativity and judgment. You believe maybe we're not seeing the human being on the other side of the Internet anonymity curtain. You don't feel good posting here. You suspect this affects others, too.
I hear what you're saying. I'm a human posting, too, and it doesn't feel good to contribute to what you describe as everyone making this environment toxic for you. I'm glad you found a place you feel safe. We all should have one. Peace and love. (:
