R2C, I know 4 years ago I found the board via google. You may be right. Maybe some still find it an find the plethora of information they are looking for and do not feel the need to register and post? I know we've had a lot of newcomers that have said in their first post that they had been lurking for a while. So maybe more people are trying to stay anonymous and take the readings they can do here and apply it to their situation.
I got lucky and sandi took an interest in my situation early on. I found her perspective and her writings here to be invaluable. Between her and MWD I was able to take control of myself (with slipups) much better than I did in my first sitch in 2005.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Not too many new LBS's these days. I believe google searches were bringing more people here in the past. I think other sites have moved up in the rankings and this site has moved down.
^I'm willing to bet this is the primary driver. It's certainly possible some folks are turned off by particular advice or the overall tone, but my guess is most people don't know where to turn at bomb day and are just looking for anything to help so they start googling for answers and find other sites who have invested more recently in Search Engine Optimization (SEO).
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
The honest answer is ------- this site has not grown.
You tube videos out there of Michele are old and out dated. She has no new presence. What she offers is her personal opinion and what has worked for some couples.
There is a very huge site out there with a huge social presence. Weekly podcasts, videos and a strong FB presence. They are very research based principles --- not just their research. They have evolved and structured their program based on principles and what was working and not working. Its understanding how people fall out of love and can fall back into love ---- yes, there is research. Its understanding why a spouse leaves a marriage, just 3 reasons - ask Gottman. Knowledge is power. Sure you can understand the tactics to pull a spouse back in but it don't understand what makes a M go the long haul you will make the same mistakes again.
Why does your spouse hate you???? You have to understand the 3 types of hate. Do you know the Sternberg's Triangulation Theory of Love?
They are a group of thousands world wide.
They focus on being positive - not the negative. They focus on your inner growth.
Trained coaches are available once weekly for hour long Q&A. The three most prominent heads of the organization are front and center regularly. Posting videos and sometimes making personal comments.
I'm not dissing Michele and her information. It is valuable. But, if you look at the decline of this site is because little new information is being fed into it. If Michele herself cannot free her time for a little attention to the board what about her coaches?
Unless new energy and blood is not pumped into this site it will continue to hover on life support.
I almost liken this board now the Battlestar Galactica Theme --- those few remaining are leading a ragtag fugitive fleet on a lonely quest.
Not too many new LBS's these days. I believe google searches were bringing more people here in the past. I think other sites have moved up in the rankings and this site has moved down.
^I'm willing to bet this is the primary driver. It's certainly possible some folks are turned off by particular advice or the overall tone, but my guess is most people don't know where to turn at bomb day and are just looking for anything to help so they start googling for answers and find other sites who have invested more recently in Search Engine Optimization (SEO).
I've been out of the search engine optimization game for a while now. I got lucky and found the site via doing a search on "anti-depressants divorce". The thread I linked in my initial post was one of the top hits. Just tried that search again and this forum isn't even on the first page (I didn't look further). I do remember from my website marketing days that if you aren't in the first few hits, especially the first page of hits, then you will get very little traffic from the search indexing sites.
So BL, you are dead on. Especially in the days now where web search engines are willing to take payment for better results. They are supposed to tag those as "advertisements" but they do a great job of making them look like the first 2-3 search results. Not sure if there is a grass-roots effort we can make to help the sites search engine placement.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
The SSRI and divorce thread here does show up on the second page of search results. That is good news. I believe it was higher back when I did the search 4 years ago, but that is better than nothing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Just doing some testing, I searched on "how to stop divorce" and this site, let alone the forum, wasn't even in in the top 5 pages of results on Google. Keep scrolling and finally found it further down, but that is a lot of hits before this site comes up.
Last edited by SteveLW; 03/01/2203:48 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Watched an interesting short video on youtube last night. The young man was saying that when a woman breaks up with you, you should not react. His example was that the woman says "I think we should break up." His suggestion was that your response should be "Okay."
His point was that when you do not react the way she expects (to get emotional, to ask why, to beg, plead, reason) then she immediately starts to question herself. He claimed in the majority of cases they would say "I shouldn't have said that! I was just joking! I wanted to see what you reaction was." Or some variation therein.
This matches up perfectly with the advice of the forum. IF a LBS could remain neutral from second one, it would completely change the dynamic of their situation. Even the most determined WAS would start to wonder if they were doing the right thing. The emotional reaction that they expect just confirms for them that they are doing the right thing. They've prepared for that emotional reaction. They've probably played it over in their head before dropping the bomb.
I can say in my latest situation, that after 2 days of making the mistake of being emotional and reacting the way she expected me to, I remember MWD and her writings, and started to pull back from that. And the lack of surety on my wife's part was almost immediate after I started to back off and have more of an "okay" reaction. I believe that was a factor in my situation turning around more quickly than most.
Unfortunately, most LBS that find their way here have already made the mistake of reacting emotionally for weeks and months.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I can say in my latest situation, that after 2 days of making the mistake of being emotional and reacting the way she expected me to, I remember MWD and her writings, and started to pull back from that. And the lack of surety on my wife's part was almost immediate after I started to back off and have more of an "okay" reaction. I believe that was a factor in my situation turning around more quickly than most.
If I remember correctly you dropped the bomb on her and she said ok and then you begged and pleaded for more than a couple of days and it wasn't until she realized her OM was a fraud and that she would have to get a job she started to rethink things. A real OM and a job probably you would have been toast like the rest of us. But we will never know.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Unfortunately, most LBS that find their way here have already made the mistake of reacting emotionally for weeks and months.
4. Try to understand what is important to the LBS. When I was a newcomer, I mainly wanted specific advice on things I could do to get my WAW to stay in the house to increase the chances of R. I was handling myself well emotionally, so some of the advice such as moving on because "she fired me as H", was not helpful. Now, I eventually had to accept there was no path to R, but that was only after I explored the available paths and found them to either be a dead end or found them to be paths I did not want to walk down.
I wanted to clarify this point a bit since it seems to have been poorly worded and confusing to others.
I am not saying we should not give blunt and honest advice. In fact I had stated earlier in the same post that even when the OP does not agree with the advice, we should stick with honest advice because others may be reading it.
What I was trying to convey here is that we need to recognize what the person is looking for and base the reply on that. As an example, the two responses below convey the same message but the way it is delivered is different.
OP: What can I do to win my WAS back.
Response 1: "I know your goal is to R with your WAS. You may think your situation is unique but there is a lot in common with what we have seen in the sitch of many others over the years. You need to recognize that your W has fired you as a husband. This means the old R is dead and taking steps that you did as a H will not work. If you want to R with your WAS it has to be a new relationship. The best way to make it happen is to make her feel you have come to terms with the end of the current R. You need to detach, GAL.....etc etc"
Response 2: "You need to stop trying to R with your WAS. She fired you as H, so why are you still trying to act like a H to her?"
It is not about the lack of ability of the person to take 2x4s that are dished out to them. It is about YOU making them trust that 'YOU understand their sitch'. If the person feels you get their sitch, they will be receptive to your advice. If not, they will think you are repeating 'one size fits all' advice and tune you out.
Also want to clarify that this was not based on something Steve said specifically, but something that I have generally observed.
I can say in my latest situation, that after 2 days of making the mistake of being emotional and reacting the way she expected me to, I remember MWD and her writings, and started to pull back from that. And the lack of surety on my wife's part was almost immediate after I started to back off and have more of an "okay" reaction. I believe that was a factor in my situation turning around more quickly than most.
If I remember correctly you dropped the bomb on her and she said ok and then you begged and pleaded for more than a couple of days and it wasn't until she realized her OM was a fraud and that she would have to get a job she started to rethink things. A real OM and a job probably you would have been toast like the rest of us. But we will never know.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Unfortunately, most LBS that find their way here have already made the mistake of reacting emotionally for weeks and months.
You may need to reread your thread Steve.
One point stood out to me as I read this. We all know that this is a crisis of the WAS and not the LBS. The LBS can only do things to prevent things from getting worse and more importantly focus on their own healing and moving forward. An LBS could do all the right things and the WAS may not care. On the other hand, an LBS could do all the wrong things and the WAS may choose to R.
Yet, there is a lot of cognitive bias in the forum that suggests that actions an LBS took helped with 'turning around situations'. Success or failure does not mean a particular approach is correct and it is important to remember that when we try to relate others' sitch to our own. More often than not, it is out of the hands of the LBS, which is why most of the advice is on self care and healing.
