“Wow, feeling responsible for everyone else sounds like a huge burden.” “You’ve been so busy trying to please other people, you ignored your own desires.”
Yes, I should have said I understand, but instead, I asked him what he ment by that. Was he talking about mowing the lawn or doing chores around the house? H was always the planner, always had to make sure everyone was having fun. Coming up with games to play so that everyone was interacting. Took care of his Grandma. He never had to take care of me, we took care of each other. At least thats what I thought.
Have I done anything special for him, not in recent years. I would always pick out cards for him that spoke to my love for him. I would pick up a shirt or small gifts while out shopping that I knew he would like. But grand gestures, no I don't think so. For this last xmas, before I knew he was going to move out, I had our the lyrics to our first dance song from our wedding, printed on a canvas. Too little too late. I always told him how much I loved him, how good he looked in certain shirts, how it brought out his eyes, how handsome he was. I would smoother his face with kisses, grab his behind, hug him, touch him. Smile when I would see him.
Yes, we got into a rut the last few years, got too comfortable, going through the routines of everyday life, but I never doubted our commitment to each other.
I feel so lost without him, I don't know how to get through this. Talking with him does nothing. My love and belief in our M, means nothing. Just through it all away and move on
Bear this in mind - the typical WAS is in a depression. They don't know WHY they are depressed, so they look around for an answer. The first thing they see is their spouse. And of course there are always SOME things that irritate you in a marriage. So they decide YOU are the reason they are unhappy. Especially they decide this if they have already started an affair with someone that is giving them rushes of infatuation. They feel better! It must have been you!!!
Often, in their search for justification for their affair, they will come up with ridiculous things. My ex told me I "walked too heavy" - and not only that, I "taught our daughter to walk too heavy"!!!! Now first of all - I checked with several people and no, there is nothing unusual about my gait. But if there WAS, and my daughter had the same gait, wouldn't you assume it was genetic? What kind of crazy person thinks I was giving our daughter lessons in walking heavy to annoy him???? Someone who can't find any other excuse for his cheating.
One woman here, I remember, was 5'8" 135 lbs - and her H told her he left her because she was too fat!!!
Now - validating is still a good approach. You can validate his feelings without taking responsibility on yourself. The examples given above were good.
Also- bear in mind, he might be a narcissist. If so, you having a back problem and no longer being able to bowl with him is an intolerable annoyance for a narcissist, where everything is about THEM and you having any illness or disability does not evoke empathy but irritation.
Yes, you might have gotten a little preoccupied with your back pain and a little comfortable in the relationship. But a GOOD partner would have been solicitous of your health, and able to tolerate a short period of less excitement in a long term good marriage. I doubt if you had done anything different that the result would have been any different. This is not likely to be about you.
Also, his alcoholism plays a role. We don't know which is chicken or egg - did he start drinking more heavily because he was depressed, and left the marriage to be somewhere that he wouldn't feel guilty about drinking so much? Or did he leave the marriage so he could drink more? Who knows? But it's definitely a problem.
Don't believe half of what he says - watch what he does. It's good to examine your role in the marriage so that you won't repeat mistakes in the future - but like most marriages here with MLCers, you were not the cause of this. His own issues are the cause. You could probably pretzel yourself into the perfect woman and he'd still come up with some other excuse.
And you're absolutely right - a healthy person experiencing those feelings would go to their partner and try to repair whatever they thought was wrong in the marriage first.
Yes, we got into a rut the last few years, got too comfortable, going through the routines of everyday life, but I never doubted our commitment to each other.
Because you are a normal caring healthy understanding person. Your husband is not and this speaks a lot to his character.
I just feel so defeated and beat down. I called the doctor just now to see if they could give me something to help, have a appointment tomorrow morning with Doctor and counsling appointment tomorrow also. I feel so weak, so sad, so lost. Was talking with my sister all day and I just can't pull myself together today or for the last 3 days. Feel like I am just sinking deeper and deeper into depression and hopelessness.
Some do benefit from an antidepressant to get them through the acute phase of loss. Also remember exercise, vitamin D, sunshine, music (NOT sad music!) can all help as well.
I personally love the movie She-Devil with Roseanne Barr - a satisfying story of a woman dumped by her husband for Meryl Streep's insipid romance-writer OW. She gets her revenge in ingenious ways. NOT that I am suggesting trying for revenge - but it is satisfying to laugh about it on the screen!
Kml, I started tanning to see if that would help, not alot of sunshine right now around here.. Easing back into exercise too. I just can seem to pull myself back together latley. Go to bed angry and sure of myself with a forget him attitude and wake up crying. Which today was all day.
Just thinking about his comments the other day, still blaming me, looking at little issues and blowing them up to justify his actions. It f-ing hurts like he!!. Just drives home the fact that he is not a healthy mature person.
Stella I’m really sorry you’re struggling. This is why no contact is so important. If you go to the newcomers thread and read KitKats story she’s been doing the same thing for two years now and refuses to block him and it is emotionally breaking her. These leeches will try anything to keep you emotionally invested. It took my exw about 18 months to realize that I will discuss nothing but minimal amount to coparent. Take care and be patient with yourself.
Thanks LH, 2 years!!! I can't stay like this for 2 years.
I hate no contact, but I am seeing that having contact is causing me to spiral. Ever time I expect to talk to my old H, and it isn't him, he is not in there right now. Although he says, " I am the same person I have always been:...then he is nice to me and talks to me about what our friends are up to..why??? why be nice, why talk to me about these things? And then blow up and start spewing stuff that came out of him over this last summer??? I cant take all of the mixed messages anymore.
I used to be such a strong confident women, this is wrecking me. My head gets it, my heart doesn't want to let go. But I have to stop this, I can not continue to feel like this, it is breaking me. I know I have to let go of who I thought he was.
If anyone ever invents a pill to cure MLC, they would be rich.....
I understand what you’re feeling. Lots of these suggestions are counterintuitive and will feel like the wrong thing to do, it is not. (((Hugs)))
No contact is for you. It’s not to wake up H. It’s for your mental and emotional health.
Originally Posted by Stella20
I used to be such a strong confident women, this is wrecking me. My head gets it, my heart doesn't want to let go. But I have to stop this, I can not continue to feel like this, it is breaking me.
We all start in an emotional feedback loop which reinforces our hurting feelings. It is difficult to let go of our spouse. To let go “the dream”. Do place your focus upon you. This is critical for you to influence your feelings. You do control your thoughts, and can influence your feelings and beliefs - influence your heart and soul.
We do break somewhat during this process. It hurts. It wrecks us. And it is a blessing, if you make it so. You can, will, examine which pieces you reassemble and which you discard. Become the strong confident woman, even more so. Become the best version of you.
Originally Posted by Stella20
I know I have to let go of who I thought he was.
Actually, you need to let go of who you think he is right now. Who he was, is just that - who he was. MLCers become the opposite of who they once were. You have proof right before you. The alien guy looks like H, sounds like H, even has mannerisms like H, yet he is so much different. Your mind and heart are just struggling to accept what they see and hear.
These crisis people bring up wild justification for their new narrative. My XW blamed me for the furnace blowing cool air on her. For my work truck burning too much gas, while she was trying to save the planet. (My personal vehicle is a Prius, but no matter to her. ) And so on. And yes, having XW say this while sounding like J was hard to figure out at first.
You do not need to let go of past H. The past is immutable. You shared a life together. It was even a wonderful life. Just set that aside for now. Place it in storage for a while. Cherish it. Do not dwell upon the past, nor go for strolls down memory lane - it is far to easy to get lost, and you will reinforce emotions and thoughts you do not want to reinforce right now. Don’t worry, you won’t forget, or loose anything you don’t want to. I promise.
I have a question for you. Do you feel more anxious or depressed?
Originally Posted by Stella20
Although he says, " I am the same person I have always been:...then he is nice to me and talks to me about what our friends are up to..why??? why be nice, why talk to me about these things? And then blow up and start spewing stuff that came out of him over this last summer??? I cant take all of the mixed messages anymore.
If I may, you are anxious.
Anxiety comes from living / focusing / worrying on the future. Depression comes from dwelling upon the past. Peace comes from living in the present.
It’s not past H you need to let go of right now - it’s your future. It’s that dream. It’s letting go who you want H to be, and accepting who he is right now.
Once you let go the future, your anxiety will turn to depressions as your focus turns to the past. This is a normal and needed part of the healing process.
When my wife left, I lost my bright future. It was ripped away. I would never experience a 60th wedding anniversary, not have a loving wife beside me during the weddings of our children, not be on the same speaker call when we hear about the birth of our first grandchild. Retirement plans, grandkids, vacations, etc. All destroyed. I was sad and distraught. On top of that loss, my impending doom of a divorce loomed. Oh, I was such a bundle of anxiety, adrenaline, and nerves; with a splash of depression just to mix and stir and darken everything.
Once I accepted that my planned wonderful future life was over. My attention, turned to my past. As one accepts the loss of their imagined planed future, it affects our past. We “feel” it deleting. Never again, to walk hand in hand with J, to hear her laugh, to be her most special man, etc. Never will I get to dance with her again, nor travel and talk for hours, nor be a family again.
Depression is a dark stage of grief. Full of feelings of absolutes and negatives.
Once I worked and walked through that, life bloomed again. My purposefully kept squishy heart began to feel and love, far more than I felt it was even possible during the grief and loss. Bird sang again. Color exploded in the world again. My past returned. Without pain. All the cherished memories. My immutable past does not haunt me; it is actually up lifting.
My future exists again. Yes, it is not the one I had planned. Nor is it something I fret over. My divorce was finalized years ago, and provided me a stable solid foundation. And I crafted from there. I find my future plans are not firmly envisioned, a more general idea.
Acceptance, peace and contentment, letting go and accepting of a lost future, accepting and remembering an unchangeable past, does happen.
There are plenty of milestones along the path. In my view, you are currently working to let go of your still held future. Detachment and indifference are coming.
Be patient and focus on you.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
) And so on. And yes, having XW say this while sounding like J was hard to figure out at first.