So when I read your updates I get the sense by your almost clinical talk you dug deep to understand what went wrong in your marriage. For that you should be applauded.
However, (yes I know however negates everything I said above) you know these two men are unavailable for a healthy relationship but you make excuses for being available to then for their sexual pleasure. You are just kicking the can down the road. I don’t think you ever grieved your marriage because you were hyper focused on getting your H back. Like you’ve indicated, you are not getting any younger. How much more do you want to chase these dead ends?
As for your Exh, he sounds like the same ahole he always was in the past. Still cheating, still disregarding your feelings. So he quit smoking and didn’t road rage one day. Wow!
Enjoy your trip and really think about how you want to live the rest of your life.
I hear what you are saying.
Please keep in mind that I am NOT having sex with pilot. I put in a boundary and I stuck with it. Would I have slept with him if he had been acting like an adult, worked out our miscommunication and treated me in a way that felt like he was hearing my needs? Yes, eventually I would have.
But, that's not what happened therefore, I did not remove my boundary.
Timing is just crap right now.
I'm left to sit with the whole situation. Why on earth would he reproach me now that I'm D if he was just wanting a hook up? I mean I was legally separated but he walked because I was not D. If I'm just a hook up/sex why that line in the sand? I will admit in the beginning I did have expectations when he started texting again now that I was D. I was thinking more in line of an LTR. But, there were red flags. Tiny ones. Ones that by themselves aren't deal breakers but at this point I have a quite a collection and I am left scratching my head on this one.
I've walked away. I've got things to sort in my head and unlike last time I am not chasing him.
As for my XH - yesterday wiped me out emotionally. It wasn't good or bad. It wasn't one thing or another. It was like peeling an onion and getting to the next layer. That next emotional layer. It was like he almost got a point where he was choosing me because things had been different to suddenly he felt like something I said was an ultimatum to him --- so he said he took my advice and cut everyone out (at this point including me), but maybe choosing her??? It was so unclear and frack if I know what I said that he took to be an ultimatum but it had to be recent such in the last couple of weeks??? He went from 2 weeks ago telling me to impress him to meet a new, nice guy to being angry that I had. Like that was the reason he made his current choice. His language was so vague that eventually I just had to cut the convo because I just see myself emotionally flooding.
I took the time last night really looking at what he said - the beauty of text messages... they are there forever.
Decided I really need to detox from him. In over 2yr now the longest we have gone without being in contact is 10 days. 10 lousy days.
I decided I needed a good 60 to 90 days but frankly better set a goal of 30 days. That's at least 3 times the longest time we have ever gone and won't seem so impossible.
Don't be misled that my life is focused on just these 2 guys right now. I mean at the moment both are a sh*tshow. I've made new platonic guy friends. Meeting up with old friends at fun vaca spots. I joined this 100mil dog walk challenge and a male friend of mine joined too... so we are keeping each other motivated! I've done several cooking challenges. I'm not centered around two circus clowns.
I decided I needed a good 60 to 90 days but frankly better set a goal of 30 days. That's at least 3 times the longest time we have ever gone and won't seem so impossible.
That's an excellent goal. What steps will you take to achieve a better outcome than before?
In the past, you relied on him not contacting you "Now there's no reason, this time he'd never reach out!". Inevitably he did. Willpower helped, but he kept probing until he found a new angle--puppies, quick questions, or kind comments he'd NEVER said before. You may have waited 10 days to reach out, but was typically inside your head sooner than that.
I'm at 8 months no contact with the long-term, live-in XGF who brought me here, and 2 months no contact with my last XGF. Blocking is the forum's usual recommendation. It's HARD to do but frees you completely from their attempts to reel you in, detoxes you. I did send a message to my last XGF informing her I was blocking her to be polite.
You don't have to do the same thing as me. But to achieve an outcome 3x better than before, you have to do something very different than before, or you'll end up at 14 days not 30 days.
This is the moment when your resolve is strongest. What will you do in this moment, to maximize the chances your desired outcome happens, even 1-2 weeks from now when your resolve is at its lowest?
Do you have any girl friends you could hang out with sometimes?
I really don't
My closest girl friend is 4yr north of me --- but who is meeting me on my vaca to WI. Woo hoo!!!
I joined a woman's meet up group years ago that obviously halted with COVID. We had some meet ups this past summer outside. In a couple of weeks will be an indoor dinner event. Its great - I can have a lovely 2hr hour dinner and visit but none of them are really someone I would hang out with personally - just dissimilar interests and activity levels. I keep going because new people do come and go and someone might really stick to get to know better. I'm a very active 50yr old but in this group the woman tend not to be. I live in a small midwest town so this is the ONLY meet up group.
As for my office - total employee count including myself and boss, 12 people and I'm 15-30yr older than the other woman. They interests seem to center around drinking... LOL!
But the guy who is doing the dog walk challenge with me met up with me last week to take in a performance at the theater last minute. It was strictly platonic and we have great conversations.
I decided I needed a good 60 to 90 days but frankly better set a goal of 30 days. That's at least 3 times the longest time we have ever gone and won't seem so impossible.
That's an excellent goal. What steps will you take to achieve a better outcome than before?
In the past, you relied on him not contacting you "Now there's no reason, this time he'd never reach out!". Inevitably he did. Willpower helped, but he kept probing until he found a new angle--puppies, quick questions, or kind comments he'd NEVER said before. You may have waited 10 days to reach out, but was typically inside your head sooner than that.
I'm at 8 months no contact with the long-term, live-in XGF who brought me here, and 2 months no contact with my last XGF. Blocking is the forum's usual recommendation. It's HARD to do but frees you completely from their attempts to reel you in, detoxes you. I did send a message to my last XGF informing her I was blocking her to be polite.
You don't have to do the same thing as me. But to achieve an outcome 3x better than before, you have to do something very different than before, or you'll end up at 14 days not 30 days.
So at this point I really can't block him. We still have 2 business items to wrap up from the D. He is currently working on one and its a huge pain in the arse. There will be a point that we will have to meet for docs - I'm hoping it can be done via mail but there are a lot of stupid hoops to jump through for this.
His texts are muted so that if he does text I won't see them right away.
Unless it requires my response as in a business item... I just won't respond. I'm just too emotionally exhausted right now.
As LH said unless he truly shows me something big it just isn't worth my energy.
So at this point I really can't block him. We still have 2 business items to wrap up from the D.. unless he truly shows me something big
It sounds like this isn't a 30-day detox so much as giving him a chance to miss you and watching for him to offer something big enough to merit a reply? If this is purely business, a simple way to free your headspace is a message like this--
"Hi XH, I'd prefer to conduct business matters via my e-mail minus that one in-person meeting at the notary. I'll check my e-mail weekdays business hours. I'm blocking your personal calls/texts for my sanity. Thanks for understanding."
More to the point, last time you felt resolve when you began and muted him. If you don't change anything, I'm skeptical you'll achieve 30 days, but I'll be rooting for you.
