7 1/2 years later...I'm trying

[mvg]

Good morning everyone,

This is a long post, but it's my first in a long time and have been struggling lately.

Single parenting is incredibly lonely. Prior to meeting my XW, I never imagined divorce in my life. After the divorce, I never thought I'd be 7 1/2 years in and still alone. To be fair, I've dated a few really great women over the years, but logistics, etc. doesn't make it easy. I've been the primary parent (M-F + one weekend a month + sports on weekends) for almost all of my divorced life and while it has created an amazing bond between me and my two boys, it's also left me with 7 1/2 years of lonely "adult" memories. What I mean by that is, I've had 7 1/2 years of birthdays, holidays, first and last days of school, stomach bugs, swim meets, field trips, late night wake ups and everything in between, without another adult to share those experiences with. Not only are the big things lonely, but the day to day stuff is emotionally and physically draining. Simple stuff like, daily homework, dinner, laundry, practices, all while working a FT job and two PT jobs seems almost impossible on some days.

Why am I sharing this here? A few reasons. I don't think my situation is special, or unique. I'm confident that someone reading this is going through the same thing and would like to know that they aren't alone.

The main reason however, is this. Dating over the last 7+ years has shown me that most divorces are somewhat amicable and that most people I've met, actually want to have a healthy co-parenting relationship with their ex. For me, and I imagine many here, our situation is the exact opposite. I am still just as much hated, if not more, as I was during my marriage and since D Day. XW still takes me to mediation to argue extremely mundane and irrelevant details, still counts hours, still sends me harassing texts, etc etc. The women I've dated, including the woman I'm currently dating, were and are wonderful women. They care deeply for their children and have fantastic co-parenting relationships with their exes. (I'd argue maybe a little too good sometimes). They coach teams together, share birthday dinners together, communicate daily about the lives and what's going on of the kids, etc. When one of the kids has a good day, the other parent is involved and both parents get to share the moment and create a memory. It's awesome and to be honest, makes me incredibly sad and jealous.

I spend more time than I'd like to admit, wondering what life looks like for me moving forward. My oldest son is halfway through middle school, about to be a teenager. It saddens me that his "child" childhood years are over and I never got to spend a Christmas morning with a partner. The next few years with him are going to be challenging for him and our family, as they are with every teenager since forever. I'm starting to see it already with the increase in homework. He and I spend at least an hour each night going over stuff, taking away from my younger son and everything else going on.

I see other divorced parents sharing this load, constantly. Divorced parents each drive one kid to practice, help pick one up, etc. WAW want nothing to do with this. My XW lives 20 minutes away and only shows up to pick the kids up on Friday for the weekend. Come Saturday, I'm exhausted.

I'm happily "stuck" in town until my youngest graduates HS, in ten years. Anyone I've dated is in the same boat. They're stuck where they are. Only difference is, they've all had a partner. Yes, an ex, but a partner regardless. It's hard feeling like there's room for me and my boys in a new life with someone, I don't know what that looks like. The women I've met, as I said, are still very much in a family with their kids and their ex. My boys and I are all we have. Yes, it's wonderful, we are so close, but you know what I mean.

So that's where's my head has been for a few years. If you've read this far, I appreciate it. I hope someone reading this can relate to what I'm talking about. Thank you.

-mvg

[LH19]

MVG,

I can tell you that about 75% of the women I have dated are in your boat where they are doing 80%-100% of the child responsibilities. Very few have amicable co-parenting situations with their exs. Hope that helps.

[mvg]

It sounds like I've met those very few! I appreciate the reply, thank you.

[Traveler]

@LH, if one attracts what they put out, you have hard feelings about your ex and you've met few with amicable co-parenting relationships. I co-parent with my ex and so do most I date. Then again, most i date have been D'd a long time.

---

@mvg, I'm 11 years post-D. I called my ex yesterday to share the pain of staying up past midnight studying with my D, and the joy of her being happy she got 100% on her test. I hear you our ex's will get more out of an anecdote like that.

I am still just as much hated, if not more, as I was during my marriage and since D Day.

How do you feel about her? You're 7.5yrs out--high time to bury any hatcher YOU have! That's the part YOU control in making your relationship amicable. I've written before that it took years for me to bury my hatchet. But, 11yrs out, we're friends and co-parent. If you began burying the hatchet now, perhaps you'll be on good terms for those crucial 16-18y/o years.

Do you have friends who are single parents? I've had friends over for 3 of my last 6 Christmas Eve's. I get you want to share Christmas morning, but that comraderie and sharing the night before and plans for the morning was something. Unlike your ex, they probably can relate to staying up until midnight studying with their kids to help them do well on a test.

I was a primary custody dad, too. I agree with LH, there are more primary custody moms. I think that's why I have more female friends than male ones. Their life journeys align with mine. I met some as the only dad room parenting. I'm working now on making more male friends who can relate to other aspects of life on life's journey of personal growth.

1 FT job and 2 PT jobs and parenting the week. That in itself sounds exhausting!

[kml]

Yeah, mvg, let's talk about that full time job and the two part time jobs. Is there any way to change that? Can you get a raise or a promotion in your FT job so that you don't have to work the two part time jobs anymore? Could you downsize your lifestyle to make that happen? Or do you have an extra bedroom that you could rent out to a grandmotherly type in exchange for help with things like laundry and cooking, to free up more time?

I assume you don't have any family near that could take the boys for a weekend or give you some help in the evenings?

And while you talk about your envy of people who have a functioning coparent, how has your situation affected the women you date? Is it actually an issue for them? What's the current girlfriend like?

[kml]

Also - how did you end up with so much custody? Did your ex just let it fall off because of her Covid concerns, or did you have to get lawyers involved because of her neglect? Either way, I'm glad the boys are mostly with you, it sounded unhealthy for them over there.

[mvg]

@traveler. I've been trying to have a good relationship with her for 20 years . I've invited her and OM (now husband) to my house, to the summer pool where our boys swim, to scout camping trips, etc. They've never come, not once, in 7 years. I bend over backwards to be friends with them...doesn't work, at at some point, pride kicks in. I'm not going to beg someone to be friendly.

@KML I keep the PT jobs bc I've had them both for 11 years, and in the turmoil of FT jobs, they've always been there when I needed them. It's one of those things where if I leave it, (adjunct professor & freelance production) they will find someone else to fill it and then if I ever need it, well, out of luck. My mom is close by but is busy taking care of my step dad (had a stroke) and with covid, neither of them were anywhere near us for almost 2 years. SD's dad died recently so they are both really busy.
I've thought about hiring someone from 3-5ish during the week, I haven't pulled the trigger on it yet bc most days, they'd probably be sitting around doing nothing. It's the random, unexpected stuff that pops up almost every week that I wish I had someone for.
My situation hasn't worked for women without kids (totally understandable and frankly, I'm usually not interested in women without kids) and for women with kids, it's been great on paper until they realize what it is in reality. Current GF is a bit different. I never really saw a long term future with anyone I've dated, always just chalked it up to my lifestyle, being the type of dad I am, etc etc. Turns out, I was wrong, it was just the wrong person. The issue though, as I said, is she is very much still in a family while I am not.

[LH19]

@LH, if one attracts what they put out, you have hard feelings about your ex and you've met few with amicable co-parenting relationships. I co-parent with my ex and so do most I date. Then again, most i date have been D'd a long time.

Uuuummm I co-parent the same as you CW/Traveler.

[LH19]

The issue though, as I said, is she is very much still in a family while I am not.

This is interesting MVG. I believe AnotherStander and Ginger (playing Mario kart) are the only ones who do family things together here.

[mvg]

@kml Years ago, XW went through the calendar, day by day, hour by hour (literally with a spreadsheet of "awake" and "asleep" hours) to make sure it's technically 50-50 to the hour, over the calendar year, NOT the school year. So during the summer, she gets extra time, etc, but has zero responsibility when it comes to the school week/year (homework, lunches, playing, sports, bedtimes, etc)