Clearly a glutton for punishment

[BL42]

Ginger1,

I did spend much time in therapy working on why o accepted what I did from my ex. My father left to be with his then girlfriend. My mother was literally falling apart and losing her mind. I have no siblings. I was 19 and I was watching my already u stable life crumbling further. I was afraid, depressed, desperate. And there was my douchebag in shining armor, lol. I was afraid to be totally alone in this world. I was willing to pick up whatever someone would throw me. I cling to the pathetic crumbs he through me like life. Because I was terrified.

It's incredible how the behaviors our parent model for us impact our own patterns and relationships and cycle down the line. You hear about that quite a bit, it becomes much more clear when we recognize it in our own lives.

As time went on, I did just want to possibly recreate the family I never had and security i never had. It was a pattern that followed me with my ex and subsequent relationship. And completely backfired. I just ended up alone on the end. I came off probably as desperate and “fake” to some . I can see that now.

Great introspection!

Great introspection, Ginger. You may have made mistakes in life but knowing what you know is influencing you as a mother and will benefit your daughter. Sometimes good things do not directly change our lives but changes it through others that are important to us!

You have gotten some great comments and can just echo them in that I think you have shown some good insight into some things. Good for you from learning and growing.

I'll jump on the "great introspection bandwagon. Identifying the root causes are the best starting point for correcting our behaviors in the future.

RE: getting it right with a guy? Try replacing "can't" with "haven't yet".

A "Growth Mindset" is a be talking point in my company right now. A common phrase you'll hear leaders saying is adding in "...yet" to any statement about not being able to do something. Valid here too.

I am sad I haven't has success in the area of romantic love and partnership. I do think it is a very important part of life.

That's completely understandable. I feel the same at times and it's "only" been 2 years for me, not 14.

I often feel like I am being punished or I am undeserving of that kind of love and partnership. It is hard to not to compare to others. I do sometimes feel embarrassed and defective. I cant help it. It's just been a long long long time.

You feel that way, and that's certainly a valid feeling, but at the same time it doesn't mean you are that way. Everyone is deserving of love.

I often feel like I am being punished or I am undeserving of that kind of love and partnership

Honey - you do see how these are the words of the little girl who didn't get the love she needed from her parents, right?

Picture yourself as a young girl saying these words. How would you comfort that girl? You would certainly tell her that her parent's dysfunction was NOT HER FAULT and that she was worthy of love.

Great comment, kml! Take it to heart Ginger!

This weekend I will be at an indoor water park with D and her BFF. I will be chillin in the hot tub alone with my beverage and a book. I love the part where she is old enough to do her thang.

Ginger - Hope you have a great weekend at the water park and make some good memories with your D & her BFF. Certainly enjoy your time in the hot tub w/your book and beverage, but don't forget about the lazy river and wave pool as well!

[Ginger1]

Hello my sweet friend. I don't come here often. Really just to check in and see how you are doing.

Our childhood does affect us for life, doesn't it? We just have to try to acknowledge it and do the best we can.

You always were so hard on yourself, sweetie. You are amazing. You know that. How I wish I had accomplished all that you have.

Congrats to little G...she is amazing, too. She may have gotten his math brain..but the rest...all you. Say hi to her for me.

So, we all know that negative self talk isnt good for us, but, talk we do, right? It is a habit, and it does serve its purpose sometimes in propelling us forward.

I know you long for a happy, loving, supportive relationship. I believe you will have one, one day. I do. I have come to truly see that it happens when it is supposed to.

Maybe you have some more inner work to do. Maybe you have to see yourself as we do. Maybe you have to get out of your head some.

I believe, and really what the heck do I know, that we should always be true to who we are. I dont mean we need to show our potential partners all the "stuff" we hold. G-d knows, that would have sent R running...lol. But I didnt pretend to be anyone other than who I am. I actually told him some of my stuff on the first date. Just put it out there. Was it the right thing to do? Who knows? I am sure he thought a lot about it and gave it some time to see just how bad it really was. I dont know. I just knew that I wasnt going to play any games. I was just going to be the me I had finally become and learned to love somewhat.

Not sure where I was going with all of this. LOL. I guess I am saying that maybe you think too much about it all sometimes. What to do, what to say, how to act. And that maybe, when you truly embrace all that you are, and you stop thinking about the whatifs and what should be's..things happen.

So, try not to think about you not having another chance at a family because you dont know that to be true. Stop comparing yourself to others and just be wonderful you.

I do believe that even if we dont realize it, we give off certain things. And that maybe, people can sense what is inside your head and heart and they dont know what to do with it.

As for the red flags, I agree with Don, depends on what they are. Heck, I have red flags all over me...lol..R looked past them. I looked past his..

Mindset, sweetie. Change yours a bit. Just go out and have fun..see where it leads you. Love you.

I am so happy you dropped by and still check on me.

I am indeed very hard on myself. I rarely cut myself slack. It’s been one of the harder things to change, believe it or not.

I would say I am a true Gemini. There are 2 sides to me for sure. I logically know I am pretty amazing. Im resilient, I’m loving, hardworking, and I absolutely do think I make a great partner. Not perfect, but I’m empathetic, living, fun, and giving . Then there is the other side of me who can’t help but ask what’s wrong with me when I cannot obtain a stable living consistent romantic relationship. I’m never the one, just the one before the one. Why am I not worth the effort and love I put out there. It’s very difficult for me to reconcile the 2 parts of me.

Again, like a true Gemini: I am outgoing, friendly, bubbly, funny, people feel very safe coming to me for anything. I just got my annual performance review at work which I did very well in and received top scoring in communication and working exceptionally well with every discipline. ( important part of my job)

Then there in the other side, that while I am fun and happy and out going and calm and collected, I have lots of stress inside. I can’t communicate my non positive emotions to anyone, but I can communicate the positive. And anytime I’ve tried to communicate my personal difficult emotions I have been invalidated by people close to me, especially partners and I can’t let it out. And I’m sure that makes me come across as not genuine. But all these different parts of me are totally absolutely genuine , I just cannot share them all.

And I do think that’s what I really need to work on. Sharing the negative parts of me without fear. Without fear of rejection or abandonment .

That’s probably probably requires a professional because I don’t know where to begin. Pulling the trigger on getting that help has been difficult for me too. I admit. Again, a super overwhelming thought to start from the beginning again.

I truly hope one day I can feel safe doing all of this again. Because I also think that’s why I cannot connect with anyone. Because I can’t show all me. So how can I possibly find what I’m looking for

I’m my own worst enemy, lol

[Elbereth]

Hi Ginger,

I can really relate to how you are feeling. I also struggle with the same feelings. It is really hard to ignore these thoughts and feelings. But everyone is right…that even if it feels that way doesn’t mean it’s reality. I am constantly reminding myself of this truth too.

I was listening to Lady Gaga talking to Oprah and she said that every time she has some negative thoughts, she writes down the thought. Then she writes down all the reasons why that thought is not backed up by ‘clear evidence’ or lists ‘clear evidence’ that contradicts it. For example, your thought is ‘you do not deserve a loving partnership or relationship’. But when you look at the evidence, you have all the skills to do it, there are many relationships in your life that are loving and a partnership (even if not romantic), and you also are aware of the things you want to work on that will also allow you to be the best kind of partner. That’s just a few. So, in that way, it might help to remind yourself that you are not what you think. You might just be focusing on the thought, and need to remind yourself of the reality instead. The truth might be as simple as that you haven’t met the right person yet. Or that you are attracting the wrong types, or some other thing that has nothing to do with you deserving a loving relationship. That voice in our heads is our worst critic. And it’s not real. It’s not really us. It’s fear. It’s insecurity. It’s that little girl that didn’t know better…

In regards to that little girl…I think it’s so great that you are looking at that side of yourself so that you can heal those wounds. I think the way I have been in my relationships is also a direct result of my parents terrible relationship example. But I am doing my best to learn from it instead of feeling doomed by it. I know that I put up with stuff I should never have and that I was a little too desperate for the perfect family unit too. But I am also trying to realize that it takes two to tango and even if my part wasn’t perfect, I still showed up and tried. And I am still showing up to myself in learning and growing from the experience. Admitting or being conscious of these things is powerful. As then you can change them or grow from them. We have the internet and so much information. My mom certainly didn’t. She did the best she could in the dark and with no resources.

I hear you. I see an amazing woman that is worthy of love and who puts out so much of it as well. It is totally understandable why you are having the feelings you are having. Just don’t believe them if there is no solid proof that they are true. That is what I am trying to do and hopefully these ideas help you too.

El

PS. Have a blast in FL.

[Ginger1]

Just a small journal.

Returned from my time in FL for my friends baby shower. We had lots of fun and the weather was gorgeous. They are amazing people and they will make fantastic parents. Yes, my ex and His W watched my dog. My ex even bought something personalized for the dog. He loves my dog. He sent me some pictures with my dog on his lap while they were playing cards. It actually triggered me a bit when I feel like an outsider on what was supposed to be my family. I got over it quick and I was happyi could enjoy my vacation without worrying about my dog.

OW got free tickets to a hockey game and invited me and my daughter . It was on the day I came home from vacay. I appreciated it, but I had to turn it down. It was boundary for me. I said it was just too much with the traveling. D went and it was an incredible game. Was it mentally hard for me that she brought my daughter to OUR thing? Yes . Am I happy D had the chance to go ? Of course. I’m struggling with those conflicting feelings a lot lately.

Thursday morning I saw a special offer for Nurses night at the hockey game. I bought 2 tickets and brought 2 tickets for D and i to go. They lost, but we had a great time. Then last night she was going bowling with a bunch of friends. She goes to a county school and her new friends are all spread out so the place they chose was convenient for most, but a half hour away for us. I dropped her off, went shopping a big and had dinner by myself and then got her when she was done. No point in going home. I sometimes can’t believe I have a high schooler who goes out alone with her friends . I’m so glad she does have a good social circle. The kid has plans every weekend!

I’m getting a huge refund from the IRS which should help out with my credit cards, thank god. I need it. I’m still working Ot, but not as aggressively. I won’t want to work too much on the spring/ summer as I want to enjoy my hobbies. I want to hike every weekend. My lawn will need to be taken care of. My garden had a year off from my stupid ant killer incident and I can have it back this year.

My dad threw some guilt at me yet again. D14 will text them every now and then, but she is a not a phone call kid. My dad expressed his great disappointment that D14 did not let him know she was going to the game since he introduced her to the sport. How she never calls and his friends teenage grandkids call all the time ( that’s BS). He is always telling me how saddened he is she doesn’t talk about a bunch of stuff to them. That she doesn’t say much. Then , whenever we all get together and I ask her to put her phone down and join some conversation, he gets mad at me and says “ I just want peace no fighting, stop” can’t win! I told him this too. It drives me nuts. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Is she a snarky self absorbed teen? Yes. Is she generally a good kid who does not get into trouble? Yes. Do I really know how to properly navigate teenage hood? Nope! I’m winging it! Has it been hard raising a kid with no one to bounce anything off of and discussing your similar experiences with the person who raises that kid with you? Yes. But it is what it is.

Dating: put my toe back in the water for a second and quickly took it out. The only men who are interested are ones with narcissistic traits, or needy men. No in between. And I can’t seem to do the texting thing. I can’t connect with anyone via text. I can’t connect with strangers. I’m very closed off these days . I imagine the only hope I have is meeting someone organically where we just hit it off, or grow through friendship. I can’t connect at all to strangers anymore.

Also, I have been reading books for pleasure which has always been a hobby of mine. I love getting lost in a good book. But OMG, I have visceral reactions to ones where it ends as an incredible love story. Or the most recent with a woman finding love when she was pregnant. I realized I’m still pretty traumatized by my ex having bags packed to walk out the door on the night of the bomb drop with our 6 month old daughter sleeping in her crib. I can’t think about it. It sends me over the edge still.

Anyways. It’s snowing and windy here. To think, I was throwing my friends baby shower, out side in the 80 degree weather exactly one week ago. I’m definitely going to be moving to a warmer climate. I hate winter. I’m moving to a nice apartment complex with a pool and a gym. The only good thing about my current state is the pizza, bagels, and Chinese food, all of which I can’t even eat anymore except on rare occasion

[DejaVu6]

I hear you Ginger. Funny the things that trigger us. The remnants of abandonment and rejection that never truly seem to go away. Even after you are long over the end of your marriage and the loss of HIM, those feelings remain. And they leak over into your dating life and hit you there as well. I haven’t been divorced as long as you or been on as many going-nowhere dates but I am feeling similar feelings. It’s hard to connect with someone when the only thing that connects you is a history of disappointment…who doesn’t have that history in their forties and fifties? It makes it really difficult to trust someone enough so they see the real you and vice versa. So you sit across the table from a stranger and it feels awkward and forced. Meeting someone IRL, forming a friendship and having it turn into something more over time is the ideal. It’s just so hard to do these days with people living in bubbles… even before the pandemic. Take my situation with VP. Two dates and both of us felt so much pressure to know where things were going romantically that we bailed…who knows what could have happened if we had met IRL and been friends first. Anyway…just wanted to lend you my support and tell you that you are not alone in feeling frustrated and disappointed with OLD. It’s not that I think there are no good people to meet. I definitely do which is why I have still have a profile on a couple of sites. I’m just not expending the energy that I used to or giving it too much mental and emotional space.

Glad to hear you had such a fantastic time with your friends and with your D. Hope you get to do it again soon. (((HUGS)))

[Ginger1]

Thank you, DV. I think you are the one who can relate the most and I really think you are doing fantastic. It’s not so easy.

Lately In my dating life, as I’ve become the emotionally unavailable one, lol, I kind of see a reflection of myself and who I used to be in the relationship. Im talking to this one guy who I have never met. He’s tries to hard to be so perfect. He’s over the top on trying to be a good potential date. He texts and texts and texts. Tried to make all his good potential boyfriend qualities shine.

And it is too much. I never even met the guy.

I realize how much I presented myself as like the perfect girlfriend. And when dating, I was too doing everything a perfect girlfriend did. Most likely why every guy who has ended things/broken up with me has said I was a great girlfriend/person, but something was missing. I must have been annoying and frustrating AF. I am annoyed and turned off AF right now. But it’s hard to be when the person is so so so stinkin nice.

I’m supposed to meet him Thursday and my stomach is actually turning at the thought.

It’s awful. I despise dating now and there has been no one for a really long time who has caught my real interest.

I’m afraid I’m just becoming more difficult, more distant, and more seclusive

[kml]

As you become more distant, you'll find guys being more and more interested.

It IS hard to find that balance.

Be careful not to automatically discount the guys who really think you're great - because you are!

[LH19]

Im talking to this one guy who I have never met. He’s tries to hard to be so perfect.

Interesting I had thought you gave up online dating?

He’s over the top on trying to be a good potential date.

What does a good potential date look like?

He texts and texts and texts.

Hmmm. I have heard time and time again that is how you build a connection.

Tried to make all his good potential boyfriend qualities shine.

What are good BF qualities?

And it is too much. I never even met the guy.

Hmmm. Too much not good. Not enough no connection. What is the sweet spot?

I realize how much I presented myself as like the perfect girlfriend.

What does a perfect GF look like?

And when dating, I was too doing everything a perfect girlfriend did.

What exactly does a perfect GF do?

Most likely why every guy who has ended things/broken up with me has said I was a great girlfriend/person, but something was missing.

This is the it's not you it's me line.

I must have been annoying and frustrating AF.

Hmmm?

I am annoyed and turned off AF right now.

Why not cancel the date?

But it’s hard to be when the person is so so so stinkin nice.

That bastard.

I’m supposed to meet him Thursday and my stomach is actually turning at the thought.

UUUUUuuuummmm shouldn't that be feelings of excitement?

It’s awful. I despise dating now and there has been no one for a really long time who has caught my real interest.

So why are you back at it again for the millionth time?

I’m afraid I’m just becoming more difficult, more distant, and more seclusive

This does not sound like traits of a perfect GF. Well to me anyway.

[Dawn70]

But it’s hard to be when the person is so so so stinkin nice.

That bastard.

Ok, LH wins with that one. I literally just spit coke on my desk.

It is rare that I agree with LH, but G, I have the same exact question he did.....why not cancel the date? If you are dreading it, your stomach is turning, isn't that enough to tell you he's not the one?

I feel for you because I wish you saw yourself how many of us do....you are amazing. I also wish there was something I could do to help. When I get a new job, I'll be on the lookout for good single men I can send your way.

(((G)))

[Ginger1]

I cannot connect to words on a screen any longer. It’s just words on a screen to me. He started with the all the heavy texting day of match the good morning texts , texts during the day and the texts at night off the bat. He doesn’t know me to think I’m a good catch or wonderful. Non of that seems genuine whatsoever .

I’m back at it again, because I do hate dating, but do I want to be the lonely old woman? No.

By perfect, I mean being very attentive, accommodating, understanding, positive, always listening, never complained and was supportive of everything . And no, I am no longer what appears to be “ the perfect GF. I surely would not be that now