Andrew, Yes I was tested, ended up with a bacterial infection, not a STD but can be caused by multiple partners. I have never had any issues down there,ever!! When I told H he got defensive and denied it was from him and his dirty disgusting OW, who I am sure was sleeping around while H was still with me on the weekends. But she is as pure as the fallen snow apparently, nevermind the multiple affairs she has had...
DnJ, For the first 10ish years I did make more money than H, but that has changed drasticlly now. H still won't talk to me about the phone or cable bills, just that there is no hurry to change anything. He really is clueless, I don't know if he thinks we are just going to keep our phone plan together, and the cable.. He uses our cable via his phone to watch some sports stuff.
Deja, yes, if you are not happy than talk to your spouse. Don't do this. H never mentioned one word to me, not one..... Instead he acted like a selfish immature teenage and went behind my back so he could move on with out being alone. Coward.. Sick, just f-ing sick. What kind of person does this. To intentionally emotional destroy the one that loves you the most. To destroy a life of the one person who has always been there for you??
So yes, sometimes I think of all of this and just want to scream at him for being such a selfish, cruel, self centered monster..I know he is in MLC, but I am his wife, you have a problem you talk to your wife. M is for life, not until you are bored. I know he is sick in the head, but seriously he is a adult, deal with your life before you sack up with your married OW. They are both disgusting, running around like they are married, disrespecting both there marriages and spouses. Just a disgrace, how anyone can even stand to be around them is beyond me.
Yes, I still love him and want my M, I don't know how that would even be possible. It would take a mircle at this point.
Stella, feeling angry and expressing it is healthy. You could also try axe throwing. Besides punching bags, consider dart or axe throwing--just not while your husband is in the same room.
But together we pushed each other to be successful, he would not be in the position he is in right now without me. He has chosen his path and my life should not be finacially ruined because he is a idiot.
No, you shouldn't and a good lawyer will help make sure this is so.
Originally Posted by Stella20
Sorry thinking about our finacials makes me really angry. This was built on years of planning and saving. Not to sound full of myself, but he would have never gotten anywhere near all of this if he didn't have me in his corner. I will not walk away from what I worked so hard to build for 21 years. We just got to this spot last December...just in time for him to destroy it.
Reason number 105 why you need to get a really good lawyer.
Originally Posted by Stella20
I don't care about anything else in the house, its just stuff. But he thinks by saying he does not want anything that it should count as assets for me.
I got this one too. He valued our furniture and household items at 3x what they were worth. I made a spreadsheet of each room's items and had a column for the price we paid for it and a column for what it would sell for on Craigslist or a garage sale. And I offered for him to take half of it, which he declined. I don't think OW will want anything that has my scent on it. (Relatedly: my children think I smell heavenly; they steal my shirts and clothes to sleep in when at their dad's. I can only imagine them stuffing their sweet little faces into a sofa and saying 'mmmm, this smells JUST like mommy!')
Originally Posted by Stella20
I am so sick of all of this, so sick of hurting, being angry, crying, raging....thinking. I want my easy laid back self back, my life. I did not break my vows, my promises, I did nothing wrong.
You didn't do anything wrong. Nothing justifies cheating.
I cried today at the injustice of my situation in my therapy appointment today, the first time in a long while. My therapist even got teary. I am a good person, a good wife, a great mother, a supportive and savvy business partner and a loyal friend and partner. I didn't deserve this. Neither do you, sweet Stella.
But, it is not about me. Or you. It is about our exes and their unresolved traumas. Detachment is a glorious eden, but it takes a while to get there. In the meantime, rage, cry, feel ALL the feelings and dust yourself off and do it all again. Eventually the pain won't be so sharp. You will realize you didn't cry for an entire day. And then a week. And one day you will find:
The time will come when, with elation, you will greet yourself arriving at your own door, in your own mirror, and each will smile at the other's welcome, and say, sit here. Eat. You will love again the stranger who was your self. Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all you life, whom you ignored for another, who knows you by heart. Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes, peel your own image from the mirror. Sit. Feast on your life.
(Derek Walcott, Love after Love)
I'm not there yet myself, but I caught a glimpse of her in the mirror. She hasn't stayed long enough to invite in for supper, but I saw her. You will too.
I get it Stella. After living pay cheque to pay cheque for years, XH and I were debt free and had been for about ten months when I found out about his double life. We finally had the money to travel and were looking at an early retirement. Not anymore. He now has a large mortgage and I will have a mortgage (not quite as large) once my house gets built. Early retirement is pretty much out for both of us. His wife recently had a liver transplant and has not been able to work since he and I separated. He and I make about the same amount of money so he was definitely better off before. We also could have paid for our kids’ post secondary education (assuming they go) but that won’t be possible anymore either. We’ll be able to pay for some but definitely not as much as we would have been able to before the divorce. His decision affected a lot of lives.
I know it is really difficult at this stage Stella but try not to dwell on this stuff too much. Leave it to your lawyer to figure out the financial stuff. You just focus on finding your footing again and moving forward…one painful step at a time. I promise…if you do the work and keep facing forward, you will get past this and begin to reimagine your life. (((HUGS)))
After living pay cheque to pay cheque for years, XH and I were debt free and had been for about ten months when I found out about his double life. We finally had the money to travel and were looking at an early retirement. Not anymore.
It's amazing how many of our stories are similar.
We nearly went bankrupt in 2003 but pulled together as a family to pull ourselves out of it.
Fast forward to a couple of years pre-bomb-day and the kids were launched (one bounced back to live with me for a few years), we went on nice all-inclusive beach vacations that she liked - paid for in cash, paid cash for a new roof, both driving new cars. I remember just a few months before bomb-day - so she was probably already on the edge of her affair, dropping a couple of thousand on a new bed. She was so shocked that we could just do that.
As such things go, I got off pretty light in the settlement. I was able to keep my pensions but had to make a substantial cash payout. I'm making monthly payments to her that are about 20% of my income but probably 50% of her's so when those stop in 2 years that will undoubtedly hurt. She has as far as I can tell a more modest lifestyle than when we were married and has bought a small house with OM - probably using the support money to pay for it.
It is true that generally women / the lower income person (she worked retail) make out worse post divorce. I do know that she was bragging to her friends about her fella's ample money to her friends (before bomb-day) - that seems to have not worked out. I know the things she likes, nice cars, big house, trips to warm beaches and she has none of that now. Me - I've got a nice cat, money in the bank and self respect.
You'll get there Stella. One key piece of advice that a friend gave me was to treat the financial part as a business deal. What is best for you short and long term and what sort of deal you'll be able to get. Knowing the buttons that the other person will be responsive to helps a lot. I spent a lot of time doing my best to bite my tongue during negotiations (I was the only one with proposals) knowing her anger issues and the fact that she was playing the victim in all this. So (with two very satisfying exceptions) I avoided the buttons that would set her off and offered things that salved her ego and perhaps conscience.
As far as most lawyers go, remember this is just another day in the office for them. They have forms and guidelines and will just fill them out and rubber stamp them so pay attention and make sure you get what you need.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
So H just text me about with a money question, as I waited to respond I found a $7500 charge for a lawyer. (I only paid $3500 for mine) Then he called me, figured I had to answer as it was about money. Said he was meeting with his ATTY and need to know what we had as far as cash on hand. After I answered his questions, I tried to end the call, but he kept it going. Asked me about my healing from surgery, so I told him. Didn't really seem intrested even though he asked, I don't know just a feeling. He must have wanted to talk for some reason.
Then he started talking to me about some people from his company, I know the history of these people, and what was going on with them. These where H's old bosses and they started there own company, have offered H a job a couple of times now. Talked about that his company will eventually change his pay as he is making too much money right now. More small talk about his company and what is going on with his work. Talked a bit about his mom and what is going on with her. Then he said he had to get back to work.
I stayed calmed and just listened, asked a few questions what he was talking about. This is so hard, what a waste of a beatiful life.
