No one knows what they’re willing to put up with until they’re in the situation. Unfortunately both divorce and recon are very difficult and wear you out mentally and emotionally.
Steve, you’ve always been kind and supportive. I’ve always appreciated that even if you disagreed with me you always supported me the best way you knew how. If you do that for a stranger I’m sure you do far more for your family.
LH, honestly you do respond differently to Steve and CW/Traveler. And just in this thread and multiple other ones, you come across like child abuse isn’t a reason to leave. And Sandy was a wayward and you didn’t go after her this way so that really can’t be the only issue you have with CW. So what’s the deal? Just need to make sure everyone that’s here and will be here in the future knows that CW left his wife so his opinions can’t be valid?
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
No one knows what they’re willing to put up with until they’re in the situation. Unfortunately both divorce and recon are very difficult and wear you out mentally and emotionally.
Steve, you’ve always been kind and supportive. I’ve always appreciated that even if you disagreed with me you always supported me the best way you knew how. If you do that for a stranger I’m sure you do far more for your family.
Joseph, Well spoken. I know saying "I would do this in that case" is easier said than done.
I appreciate the kind words. I certainly live by the motto "disagree without being disagreeable". But this is the internet. You get a lot of keyboard tough guys that would never speak to you directly the way they type to you. Been on the internet since the mid-90s. Some things have not changed.
I am here to sincerely try to help LBSs. Michele Wiener-Davis and her writings, videos and this forum changed my life! So I try to pay it forward.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
No one knows what they’re willing to put up with until they’re in the situation. Unfortunately both divorce and recon are very difficult and wear you out mentally and emotionally.
Steve, you’ve always been kind and supportive. I’ve always appreciated that even if you disagreed with me you always supported me the best way you knew how. If you do that for a stranger I’m sure you do far more for your family.
LH, honestly you do respond differently to Steve and CW/Traveler. And just in this thread and multiple other ones, you come across like child abuse isn’t a reason to leave. And Sandy was a wayward and you didn’t go after her this way so that really can’t be the only issue you have with CW. So what’s the deal? Just need to make sure everyone that’s here and will be here in the future knows that CW left his wife so his opinions can’t be valid?
Well like I said before Joseph CWs just recently told us about this child abuse accusation and he has indicated he’s close with his ex so I can only assume they worked through it. And again everyone is entitled to get divorced and as I stated I just think it’s karmatic when he says he wants someone who will stick by his side through thick and thin. I like CWs and I find his life fascinating and entertaining. As for Steve he sometimes rubs me the wrong way that’s all. So does Don H. I rub May and Andy P the wrong way. Doesn’t mean there isn’t love and respect for all we’ve been through together. I know Ginger loves me and that’s all the matters.
As for Sandy she never divorced her husband. She did the hard work to remain in here marriage. I hope she’s ok but we haven’t heard from her in about a year.
Lastly yes we hijacked Bent's thread who is now a season vet around here. It would have been different IMO if it was a newbie.
For the record, I have no issue with discussion hijacking my thread and I have great respect for both LH and Steve, I enjoy their banter. These two have probably given me more advice than anyone else, its appreciated and I'd hate to see them be anything but themselves, both have their strengths and weaknesses, like everyone.
Also, C-Dub, its not a big deal, but it does grate on me a bit when I see you put you left your XW for "good cause" in your opening lines, given your audience. But again, your pros well outweigh your cons.
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
Thanks OB. It is such a pleasure to see the growth a LBS like you goes through. You put in the work OB and now you're flourishing. Its awesome to see, and why I try to encourage those that come here!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
and I have great respect for both LH and Steve...These two have probably given me more advice than anyone else, its appreciated and I'd hate to see them be anything but themselves, both have their strengths and weaknesses, like everyone...
I do hold back on responding when one of you gives advise agree with. Glad you both post what you do.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Both Steve and LH were pretty harsh at times with me about my decision to stay with my H. I had always thought an A of any sort would be a deal breaker for me, but when it came down to it and I really thought through my priorities, values, and identity and what really mattered to me, I decided that working to keep my family together and spend every night with my kids was more important. I still believe that and am grateful for that every day, even though reconciliation isn't easy. Feeling the judgment of this group was hard for me in the moment, when I was so raw and hurting. Steve, I remember when you tore into WF and was so impressed with how she stood up for herself.
Sometimes I think neither of you really think about the actual human being on the other end of your advice, really trying to understand their own motivations, boundaries, core values that might be different from their own. I see a lot of you telling others what you would do in their situation, but it isn't always couched that way-- more like you should do X or you're a sad pathetic doormat who should really have more respect for yourself.
To me, the important thing is helping the LBS figure out what is important to THEM and what is best for them in their own situation, which may not be what we would do ourselves in the same situation. Steve, I think this is what people are saying to you-- there really is no need for you to say that a PA is deal breaker for you when you're posting about someone else's situation. The question is, is a PA a deal breaker for them? And also to be completely honest, I really don't buy it that if your wife came up to you tomorrow and said Steve, I'm so sorry, I have been wanting to say this to you for years but I was afraid I'd lose you if I did, but I just need to be completely honest-- something did happen with that person from years ago. Would you really pack your bags and walk away? I don't buy it. And while I'm still pretty p!ssed at my H for all the trickle-truth lying over months and months (swearing up and down that it was an EA when it was not), he's said to me that while there is no excuse for what he did, he was terrified of telling me the truth and what it would mean. Especially given your stance on PAs, your wife will probably never tell you unless she decides she unequivocally wants out. I'm not saying this to sow doubt, but maybe to ask you to extend a little grace towards her if she did, or towards yourself for the choices you made in the past, and for all the rest of us who are trying to come to terms with our own choices as LBSs and make sense of what happened to our marriages.
LH, I agree with WF. I think you've come a long way, honestly, in terms of empathy, and recognizing when your own trauma around your situation might color your response to a poster. It's impressive.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
May, honestly I don't know if I could get past it. Maybe you're right. But it would mean the last 4 years were a lie.
I do disagree with you vehemently about not thinking about the human-being though. Sorry that it doesn't always come across that way, but if a LBS ever told me flat out that a PA wasn't a deal breaker for them I would respect that straight away. Just like the one guy the told me my advice wasn't helpful to him. I respected his wishes and stopped giving him advice.
I sincerely am not here to try to push MY values on anyone. That they sometimes come across, out, or I flat out say them doesn't mean that anyone has to follow them or employ/adopt them themselves. I get it. Some posters don't like when I say a deal breaker for me is a PA. Duly noted. But I can't promise that I'll never say it again either.
But that doesn't mean in any way I think myself better than anyone else for it. I have friends and family members that have forgiven their spouse for cheating years ago and are still together today. And its actually improved their marriages. Good on them. I've also known people that divorced their spouses because the their spouse cheated. I complete support their decision as well. Neither is better than the other for it. I don't think the latter are better, or stronger, or more worthy of praise for their choice. That seems to be the implication by many here. Its not true, I respect another's right to decide for themselves.
I do apologize for being harsh in your thread. I'm sincerely sorry. I will strive to do better in that regard for the go forward.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
