Forgive me if I’m a bit dense here, “wish I had some help on this”, sounds like there is more to “this” than you related. Perfectly fine, and I’m not prying, to be clear. I know you are a responsible level headed guy who wouldn’t consider reaching out over minor stuff.
Yeah, there is more. Things I wish I knew how to fix but also know that they are beyond my skills. They are also probably beyond his mother's skills too. It comes down in my mind to the whole being greater than the sum of the parts.
Fortunately he is a good kid who has grown a lot in his self awareness in recent years. He'll be fine. It would just perhaps be easier if his support team was unified in their approach. I operate assuming I am doing this alone and hoping I am wrong.
Operate as though you're doing this alone and you will be fine. We cannot fix things for anyone, spouses, exes, kids, not for anyone. If being here has taught us nothing else, we at least have learned that.
All we can do is let our children know we love them and are here for them, and stay out of their way as they find their own path. Sometimes it looks like they're floundering, but they really are on their own personal voyage of discovery.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I was wondering about this as well because pretty much everyone here knows this is my job.
But pretty much EVERYTHING else Ginger said is exactly correct. You are on fire today Ginger! Some connect all this enabling and shielding children from real life with child abuse. Most certainly dad or mom or family should be there when the really bad stuff happens. The bank of dad should be available if the plant closed unexpectedly and he’s suddenly without a job. It’s not for quitting a perfectly good job for all of todays reasons - it’s hard, the boss doesn’t like me, I don’t like the hours, I should be getting $25 an hour (even though I have no skills) and etc. helping in this case only makes the helper feel better. It hurts the child, it is supposed to help. It just makes the parent feel important, needed, and perhaps fill the need to come to the rescue. The child suffers and remains a child long into adulthood.
For the rest, see Ginger's comments which lay out my thoughts better than I could, including keeping in mind Andrew’s son doesn’t have special needs like some legitimately do. Unfortunately it’s become vogue (or is it woke) to have mental illness these days. It’s become the go to excuse and diminishes the significance of those actually properly diagnosed with such afflictions - rather than self diagnosed or parent diagnosed.
What some parents have done to damage their kids in the name of love should be criminal. Not at all saying this is you Andrew - I’m just talking in general terms. Just might want to hire a new loan officer for the bank of dad. The current guy is too much of a pushover.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Friday my D and I stopped at kohl’s for some Amazon returns . She found this $50 Nike sweatshirt she loved. And honestly, I loved it too. I wanted to buy it for her so bad. She wanted me to buy it for her so bad. I told her I would only split the cost . She decided to put it back .
She went to her dads on the weekend and called to tell me she is starting a babysitting business and she made a flyer. I told her she can’t until she does a babysitting course and infant and child cpr. Well, without me even asking for the money, her dad agreed to split that with me. She wants to make her own money. I try to teach her she has to do what it takes and there is no fast way to the finish. Hard work pays off.
I sure am a sucker sometimes and I want to give her everything. It makes me feel good to see her happy. But that is often selfish. Because this world just isn’t going to give her what she wants when she wants it.
I dated 2 guys who stated they are saving to give their children everything and “set them up in adulthood so they don’t have to worry about a thing” nah man. I couldn’t get on board with that. I will give my daughter the best environment to work towards her independence, but I’m not saving all of my money for her not to work hard. I’m setting her so she doesn’t have to struggle like I did. I’m only paying for a small portion of her college. The rest is on her.
Am I hard a$$? Maybe. But what happens if I’m not there to bail her out? It is absolutely imperative to me she can stand on her own.
Maybe you just needed to talk it out Andrew and you know your son is going to be fine and find his way. You and your ex don’t need to be a United front and intervene. He just has to figure it out on his own.
And I agree, the bank of dad should actually be for dad. It is not cheap to live to be old these days. You are going to need to take care of yourself
Friday my D and I stopped at kohl’s for some Amazon returns . She found this $50 Nike sweatshirt she loved. And honestly, I loved it too. I wanted to buy it for her so bad. She wanted me to buy it for her so bad. I told her I would only split the cost . She decided to put it back
I'm sorry Ginger - but that is one of the most bizarre false equivalencies that I've encountered. I'm not normally rude and usually I just let things slide by because to be honest, I don't have any interest in negativity. A sweatshirt vs being able to make rent?
Sigh.
I have no expectation that he'll take me up on my offer.
I do remember how my parents helped with the down-payment for this house. We paid them back in a combination of cash and sweat equity. I'm sure that most of us at one point in time or other had assistance from our parents. It's nice knowing that your family has your back. How are the kitchen renovations your Dad is paying for coming along?
Careful casting stones please.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
It wasn't an equivalent. It was just an example of where I am with her at her age and in the journey of her becoming an adult. That’s all. No more no less and I’m sorry if I offended you . Definitely not my intention and I wouldn’t compare a 14 year old with a 28 year old. I would absolutely assist my daughter as an adult when needed as long as I know she is going in a positive direction. I accept assistance reluctantly from my dad . And I’m 41. There is absolutely no shame in it
Definitely wasn’t casting stones and I made you feel like I was.
Last edited by job; 02/08/2202:14 PM. Reason: edited a word for Ginger
I have no expectation that he'll take me up on my offer.
So if you knew he was too proud and wouldn't take you up on it then why did your offer? I think this is more about your rescuer personality and your desire to be needed. I think you know this and that is why Don & Ginger's comments set you off. I was 49 when I got divorced and my dad helped me out. He knew it wasn't my choice and I needed it to keep my family home. If it would have been because I quit my job he would have laughed in my face. The job market is great right now so I am sure he will find a job soon.
I can only speak for myself, but it's very important that my son knows, beyond doubt, that he has at least one parent who will not abandon him.
I wouldn't have a house today if my parents hadn't helped me after my divorce. I was absolutely mortified that I had to borrow money from my parents to pay first last and security for my apartment after BD. I was able to pay them back quickly once our marital home sold, but it was humiliating to have to ask, at 50, for their financial help.
Family is the most important thing. It is between each parent and their child to determine the appropriate level of support that kid needs, regardless of that child's age. These are private matters. Armchair quarterbacking isn't helpful, imho.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Just for clarification I never ever suggested that we shouldn’t be there for our kids . Never. There will always be a room in my home for my child if she ever needed it as adult.
Andrew I will gladly step out of conversation. You don’t need me in it. You know what’s best for you and your son.
This whole board is filled with private matters and response to them. Affairs, bedroom matters, every private matter is aired on here. It’s an advice board
But I will always respect not giving input where it isn’t wanted.
