#2 Out of the bottle

[Magnhild]

It is officially a year since BD day and I thought an update might be appropriate.

I stopped posting a while ago. I felt that it was just perpetuating the relentless struggle I was feeling and I was doing my best to GAL. I’ve had some wonderful new memories made with my fabulous friends here who have loved and supported me on what only can be described as my most challenging year ever.

As far as the STBXW, she has continued to be completely distant if we pass each other at school. The only contact has been her demanding emails regarding the financials of the divorce. I’ve left that very much in the hands of my lawyer.

Do I still think of her? Every. Single. Day. I have been GALing my butt off, which is a great distraction, but I have alone time where I have to consciously try and snap her out of my head.

What I’ve found most difficult is the way she went from my wife to a complete stranger. And I miss what she used to be: my best mate, my lover, my companion, my everything. I know she is no longer that woman and I have spent the last year grieving for my dead wife. It’s tough.

I began to get stronger. And began to find my anger. At one social event I began to feel almost back to the old Magnhild. However, soon afterwards I heard her mother was very ill and my heart softened.

I reached out to her for the first time in many months and her responses were civil. I wasn’t expecting anything more. Unfortunately, her mother passed away a few weeks ago. I went to the wake and funeral and had a quick chat with STBXW. Even if she behaves in a cold and distant manner, I want to keep my DPG at all times (dignity, poise and grace). I must admit my heart softened but I did what I thought was best – be compassionate.

A very short while ago the rumours started. A trusted friend wanted me to know her suspicions that STBXW was seeing someone. In fact, this “someone” was someone who had been alluded to in previous posts. I needed proof. It was maybe not the correct way of doing it, but I did some digging and am 99.9% sure the rumours are true. The other OW was STBXW’s new friend from 6 or so months before BD. A mother of a child in STBXW’s class. Did she leave me for her? Did it happen after she left me? Who knows. It doesn’t matter now.

What matters now is that I have found an anger I never thought I had. I have spent the last year beating myself up, as STBXW put the blame on her walking out totally on me. I think she used my flaws to ease her guilt.

But I’ve worked on these flaws. Not sure if STBXW has. I am on the way to understanding what I need to be a better person. It’s work in progress, but I’m doing great. I will get there.

I have accepted the ludicrous figure she wants for the equity of our house so I can buy her out. I will be losing my entire life savings, and more. But it will bring me peace to have the security of my beautiful home, and have her out of my life. No kids so no ties. Not what I wanted at all, but the rope is now dropped.

I am hopeful about the future but I have my worries about how to trust again.

What I have a hard time with is understanding it all. I don’t like that she fell in love with someone else, but I could have accepted it eventually. However, she could have left with kindness and honestly. She left with deliberate cruelty and deception. I keep holding onto this to remind me, my wife no longer exists.

I still come back to the boards to read of other situations and listen to all the wonderful advice given. My heart goes out to all of you that are hurting.

Chin up and tits out

[BL42]

Magnhild,

Good to hear from you. I had been wondering how you were progressing. Milestones are a good measuring stick for you progress, and you sound a lot more stoic and accepting of the situation in your latest update than you previously. Think back 6 months or a year ago with the pursuit and realize you've come a long way.

It's good you're relying on L to handle the divorce communications. Sounds like you're crushing it on the GAL front. Keep it up, that's critical. Sorry about OW. There's almost always someone else in these cases, but you're right that doesn't matter now. Keep focusing on improving yourself and making your life great.