Heck, some of us with demons are capable of leaving before seeing others.
That is how grown-ups are supposed to do it.
I was left hanging for the better part of a year and she seemed quite shocked and upset when I threw in the towel. And then there was the "lurking in the shrubberies" event when I did start dating years later.
I can't speak to whether she was fighting demons / MLC / menopause or aliens from the Planet Fruitbat taking over her. Or if she was just being selfish and made some choices that led her down whatever path she took. She certainly had a "lot" of anger at the world after her affair started and unlike in many circumstances we read here, none of it was ever aimed at me. Even her friends said that she never had anything bad to say about me. Even after she left.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Because it wasn't about you, Andrew. It wasn't about me either.
It was about a life they didn't want anymore so again I ask the question, why would they want to come back?
As usual LH, your question has assumptions about things you don't know. And is truly irrelevant because I have no interest in her coming back.
Not all marriages ended like your's.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
As usual LH, your question has assumptions about things you don't know.
Well that's why I asked the question.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
And is truly irrelevant because I have no interest in her coming back.
Pretty sure you might be fooling yourself Andy P.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
Not all marriages ended like your's.
Nah they pretty much did. W or H not happy and saw a better life with someone else. Now you can add MLC, PMS, STD etc. to your story if that helps you sleep at night but they all have the same ending.
I have to go with my buddy Andrew on this one. Just because they were unhappy when they left doesn't mean there isn't a possibility that they might want to circle back at some point for whatever weird reason. (That's a whole lot of negatives in one sentence so hopefully you get my point.) While I might agree to a certain point that most marriages (I won't say all, but will definitely concur that most is accurate) basically end because someone is unhappy and all that other stuff (MLC, affairs, etc.) is superfluous, even WAS sometimes come back to the person they ditched to begin with. I can think of several people I know personally who were married to the same person more than once. I'm sure some of you probably know someone who has done that as well. Some people do come back for a 2nd chance. Some LBS accept, some don't. Everyone is different so beyond generalizing that most marriages end because one party is unhappy, I don't think you can easily compare one situation to the next. I'll be the first to say that mine ended because my XH was unhappy. He thought the grass would be greener and while he portrays himself as being happy with his current wife, he's still battling a lot of the demons he was battling when we were married, at least according to the girls. What I hear from them is the difference between my marriage to him and his current marriage is that I tried to help him get past things while his current wife enables him. It is what it is. He won't ever circle back to me and I'm perfectly ok with that because I'm not a second chance kind of person. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. So, when he walked away the first time, I slammed the door and put the hammer down to move forward without him. His loss.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
My ex isn't happy no matter where he is. I think the only thing keeping him from cheating on his current wife is age.
And how do I know it wasn't about me? Aside from the time he woke up after first MLC affair and was incredibly remorseful and told be how much he loved me and how he couldn't believe he had done what he did? Aside from the fact that I was a loving, supportive, intelligent, easy-going spouse and we had a great sex life even after 26 years together? Maybe it's the fact that every single man I have dated since my divorce has asked me WTH my ex was thinking giving me up? Maybe it's the fact that the only excuse he could make was that I "walked too heavy"???
Depressed people look around for an explanation for why they are depressed, even if the problem is purely biochemical in their brains. Eventually some people look at their spouse and think "It must be them making me depressed!" Then those of little character start an affair, get a buzz from the infatuation chemicals, and decide that's their solution.
Do people leave unhappy marriages? Sure, all the time. But they don't usually cheat, lie and steal on the way out. The cheaters are mostly the sociopaths or the MLCers (or often both) or the clinically depressed who have underlying character issues.
If my ex had legitimately left because I wasn't a good wife and he was unhappy because of the marriage, how come he still isn't happy now? And has ruined his relationships with our adult children? None of that has to do with me. It's all about him and his issues.
Believe me, I've looked long and hard at myself, DB'd my behind off in my marriage, made changes right and left - it wasn't about me, and no amount of pretzeling was going to change the outcome in the end. Because it was about him, not me.
Lol. K Sometimes I wonder if you read my posts. I never said your H left because of you. I said he left a life that he was not happy with which involved you. Hypothetically if he wanted to comeback and you took him back if nothing changed he's going to walk again down the line, because he really doesn't have the motivation to work with you to change anything, your relationship will keep seeking the same equilibrium it has had because of how your personalities and issues come together. (i.e. you walking to heavy).
Lol. K Sometimes I wonder if you read my posts. I never said your H left because of you. I said he left a life that he was not happy with which involved you. Hypothetically if he wanted to comeback and you took him back if nothing changed he's going to walk again down the line, because he really doesn't have the motivation to work with you to change anything, your relationship will keep seeking the same equilibrium it has had because of how your personalities and issues come together. (i.e. you walking to heavy).
I agree with Andrew and kml - a WAS will leave for reasons internal to them - barring addiction or abuse of course. The WAS leaves because they think they can get something better. If they circle back, and very often they do, it's because they realise they're wrong about that. They get something different, not better.
I've seen cases of the WAS coming back after realising the changes needed to be made within. Kudos to them - but I agree, the LBS is taking a big risk letting them back into their lives. If those changes aeren't made with true intent the situation you describe will absolutely come to pass.
