I've been reading on this forum for several months now and recent developments have prompted me to start a thread myself. Brief background: married for almost 15 years, 1 child (special needs). A few years ago my h stated that he wasn't sure whether he wanted to continue to remain in our marriage. We went through mc and he soon decided that he did want to stay. We improved our communication and had a few relatively good years. Then my h went abroad for a year for work and about 3 months in I found out he had lied about something pretty big. He made little to no effort to apologize or repair and basically said our relationship was too broken now and there was nothing left. I asked him if he was willing to not make any big decisions while abroad, but he didn't really respond to that. Ever since then I have stopped contacting him and he has been the one that reaches out (though it's minimal). When he reaches out, he's pleasant.
Yesterday I found out that he retained a divorce lawyer a month ago. I let him know that I found out and that, though I want to remain married, I would not stand in his way. I added that I understand he must be fed up. He responded by saying that we can talk about it tonight.
I wonder how to approach our talk tonight (if it happens) and would love some advice. There is also a good change that he'll cancel, reschedule, or just dissapear (This has been a pattern these past few months). What do I do then?
I welcome any and all support and advice I can get, this is so incredibly difficult.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Sorry you're in this situation. I'm not a seasoned veteran so hopefully others will chime in but the general consensus here is avoid relationship talks and pressure. If he broaches the subject on his own mostly just listen and validate his feelings and try not to get emotional and argue (easier said then done).
How old are you, your husband, and your child?
If he's already engaged a divorce lawyer, I'd consult one of your own ASAP, if only to know your rights and how things will likely play out IF it goes down that path. You don't go into detail regarding the special needs , but assume that may be a factor in custody.
Are you doing anything for yourself? Working out, new wardrobe, activities/hobbies, meeting people?
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
BL42, thank you for your initial reply and for checking up on me!!
The conversation was quite a surprise. H confirmed that he had retained a lawyer but said he had left it at that. According to him, he had done so to be prepared, not to file (partially because he thought I was going to file). He also said he would never file without giving me a heads up first.
Obviously, we are not in a good place, but I felt some relief that, at least, I likely won't be served with papers any time soon. I still have my own consultation appointment with a lawyer scheduled for tomorrow and I think I might go ahead with it. I have a lot to think about.
I am trying to do more for myself, but it's proving to be difficult. Prior to my h's departure, we relocated to an area where I have no family or friends. I work full-time (love my job!) and our son requires quite a bit of support, which leaves little time for me. Having said that, he has a great nanny so I'm trying to get out more while she watches him. I'm also attempting to meet people virtually (for now). I've 'planted little seeds' in different places, which will hopefully lead to meeting new people and engaging in new activities. Overall, however, we're quite isolated :-(, something I'm working on.
BL42, thank you for your initial reply and for checking up on me!!
You're welcome. There are a lot of great people on this board who will help. We all understand to a certain extent what you're going through. Keep posting regularly and others will chime in.
Originally Posted by WOS
According to him, he had done so to be prepared, not to file (partially because he thought I was going to file). He also said he would never file without giving me a heads up first.
Maybe. But you can't necessarily trust what he says at this point.
Originally Posted by WOS
I still have my own consultation appointment with a lawyer scheduled for tomorrow and I think I might go ahead with it. I have a lot to think about.
Definitely go ahead with it. It's vital you understand you're situation and rights from a legal perspective, especially if your H already retained someone. Make sure you're protecting yourself going forward. Doesn't mean you have to act on anything, but at least understand where you stand. Knowledge = power.
Originally Posted by WOS
I am trying to do more for myself, but it's proving to be difficult. Prior to my h's departure, we relocated to an area where I have no family or friends. I work full-time (love my job!) and our son requires quite a bit of support, which leaves little time for me. Having said that, he has a great nanny so I'm trying to get out more while she watches him. I'm also attempting to meet people virtually (for now). I've 'planted little seeds' in different places, which will hopefully lead to meeting new people and engaging in new activities. Overall, however, we're quite isolated :-(, something I'm working on.
I'm sure it's challenging living away from family, working full-time, and caring for a special needs child. Remember to make time for self-care too. Good you're trying to get out and planting seeds on meeting people.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I'm sorry you're here, especially during the holiday season.
Originally Posted by WOS
The conversation was quite a surprise. H confirmed that he had retained a lawyer but said he had left it at that. According to him, he had done so to be prepared, not to file
So, he doesn't currently plan to file and you may have time.
Originally Posted by WOS
He also said he would never file without giving me a heads up first.
WAS frequently change their minds and yours lied about something "pretty big" (I'm curious and expecting a dating profile, dating, or affair--but won't pry). Thus, I assign little truth value to his promise not to file without telling you. Most WAS do drag their feet when it comes to filing so you probably do have some time to work this through before he acts.
Originally Posted by WOS
Obviously, we are not in a good place, but I felt some relief that, at least, I likely won't be served with papers any time soon. I still have my own consultation appointment with a lawyer scheduled for tomorrow and I think I might go ahead with it.
Don't rule out pulling the trigger on filing yourself. The filing does not end a relationship, and in many states, it grants you certain legal and financial protections if you're worried about custody, support, shared accounts and assets, etc.
Originally Posted by WOS
I'm also attempting to meet people virtually (for now). I've 'planted little seeds' in different places, which will hopefully lead to meeting new people and engaging in new activities. Overall, however, we're quite isolated :-(, something I'm working on.
Props for being the one to bring this up and working on making friends and building a wider network of acquaintances and support when you're losing a pillar in your life. This is a truly strong move!
sorry you're here. I hope you use this experience to heal, learn, and grow.
I wouldn't worry about his lawyer. Disclaimer: I worried about these kinds of things in my sitch lol. It doesn't mean anything. I'm sure, just like me, you are trying to understand what he is thinking. You won't. He'll lie. And if he tells the truth, you'll wonder if it's true or not. So stop. Put your mind (and body and spirit) to something productive.
Have you done of all the reading in Cadet's welcome post? There really is a wealth of information there.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thank you all, I read through everything in Cadet's welcome post, and it's been beneficial.
Ovrrnbw, you're right. I keep trying to understand what he is thinking, but I don't know what is true and what isn't anymore. Can that trust ever come back?
CWarrior, interesting perspective: not ruling out filing myself. This doesn't feel like a M I want to be in anymore. I want what we had back, or something better, but not this. I suppose that if things ultimately do not change, I may want to consider filing myself. I read up on boundaries, and two for me are that I need a partner who is 1) truthful and 2) continues communicating with me, even when there are difficulties.
BL42, I'm still meeting with the lawyer on Monday for a consultation. I feel very sad about this, but I have to remember that I did not cause any of it (though I'll admit I did contribute).
I'm just really happy the holidays are over. I did not accept any invites because none of them felt like safe places where I could bring my sad self and my son (who doesn't quite conform to holiday etiquette). I did invite good friends to our house, but one of them caught Covid. I wasn't even sad about that, because it meant I didn't have to prepare anything.
But now it's 2022, and I know I have to come out of hiding. We have (social) plans for tomorrow, and then I go back to work on Monday. My hope for 2022 is to gain more connections with others and more clarity.
