Things are heating up here as well. My youngest son, who lives in LA and works in a restaurant, won’t be coming for Xmas. His roommate has Covid, several coworkers got Covid, and three bars on the same street as his restaurant are closed because of Covid outbreaks. He just got his booster two days ago, but he is worried about the possibility of bringing it to us since all three of us have risk factors. We will be having a FaceTime Xmas with him I’m afraid.
I’ve finished my Xmas wrapping and am baking Ranger cookies with my oldest son while we rewatch Die Hard.
Overall I had a very nice Christmas. My son was about 1/2 hour late getting here but had just entered the village when I called to check on him. He's often late so I wasn't too worried but did think that there was a chance that he'd forgotten to let me know of any change in plans.
We had a nice dinner although neither of us it turns out are fans of Christmas pudding. Oh well - they were just small puddings and now we know.
When time came to call his sister he asked that we not do that. So we didn't. He's having a rough time of things it seems. Referred to himself as the Family-F-Up which is absolutely not true. No close friends, dead-end job - that's his own opinion. I let him vent. This time of year is tough on people who are alone - I know this. And his life I am sure isn't everything he could have hoped for.
He'd not brought any presents either - which again is a non-issue. He got annoyed when I joked about the one year he got me an empty cookie tin because he didn't get around to baking the cookies for it. And I know of many years where he has been very last minute running up to his room to wrap as everyone gathers to open gifts. So I wasn't shocked or even all that concerned.
It also turns out that he's having car problems. Got a flat tire and actually drove over here on his emergency spare. We had a look at the tire in his trunk and the sidewalls are in ok shape so it can probably be repaired. I'm glad that I taught him how to change his tires a few years ago.
I feel sorry for the kid - not much I can do for him though other than just "be there".
We opened the presents under the tree including the ones his sister had mailed up to his PO box. I got a cookbook (Betty Crocker) I really wanted and my daughter had gone through it and put in stickers and notes on recipes that she though I would be interested in. So very thoughtful.
He liked the gifts I got him and I quite liked the ones I got from "Santa". Boy that guy knows me well. I got some new gloves and some ceramic, both from local artisans. Nice that Santa shops local. My son got some new gloves as well, a folding kite, a pie bird and one of those lights that help with seasonal depression. He's looking forward to trying that and I asked him to let me know if it helps as I might get one for me too.
After he went home I called my daughter and her husband and they opened the presents I sent. She is worried about her brother too - not being on the call was pretty shocking I expect. They don't communicate regularly anyway - my son just doesn't do that with anyone - so Christmas and perhaps my birthday are the only times they see each other. It's his way though and she accepts that like I do. We had a really nice visit though and they liked the gifts I sent (which included new gloves, a folding kite and a pie bird) and she was happy that I was so thrilled with the cookbook.
After I cleaned up the dishes etc I went and had a long soak in the tub and a think. Frustrated that I don't have another parent around to help with this. I felt annoyed but not angry. Assuming his mother hasn't changed, her normal reaction to the kids having issues has been to yell at them. Le sigh. It's said that people become more and more their true selves as they age so I doubt she's all sweetness and kindness. Personally I expect that she's going through some difficulties as I've seen her car in her drive pretty much every time I've gone past mid-week in recent weeks - so perhaps not working right now? No clue. Not my problem. I certainly can't count on her to make things better for him.
If I were him, I would be feeling like I wasn't a priority for his mother. He's pretty much always here for Thanksgiving, Easter, Christmas etc. I do know that he does visit from time to time though as he's mentioned that he's had to go and walk their dog and I've seen his car there from time to time.
I really don't know what I can do different then I am with my son. Having brunch every 2 weeks helps a lot I think. It's a routine and something that forces him to come out of his bubble a little. We both know that without that I would hardly ever see him. I "didn't break him" and certainly can't "fix" him. He was always closer to his mother - they are a lot alike. But can't count on her. I just really hope that she's not making things any worse - the "Family-F-Up" line I hope didn't come from her. Although perhaps he doesn't open up to her like he does with me. It's safe for him to do it with me.
Christmas can be a time for Joy and Family - but it can also be tough. He was in a good mood I thought when he left so it was a good Christmas for him.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
My daughter had mentioned that she was looking for photos of her and her brother to perhaps frame and I responded that there should be copies on her backup device. I had made copies of many of my files including photos a few years ago on her system. Well - that device isn't working anymore so I said that I'd send her a drive with a fresh set - so I'm making a copy of my primary backup device.
Some of the files that I have backed up though aren't things that I think she should have the opportunity to randomly encounter, specifically around my divorce, her mother's infidelity and related proofs etc. To make things easier if she ever needs to act on my behalf she does need a copy of the certificate and some related documents. So I went through to purge out some of the files.
My heavens - I hardly recognize myself from back then. The extra chances I gave her, the kindness that I showed even as she was deep into it and taking me for granted. Sigh. I'm certainly a much more cynical person now. Sad in some ways that I lost at least part of that "before" me - I'd even largely forgotten the pet name she used to call me all the time. It all seems so very long ago now and "foreign" - coming up on the 6th year "anniversary" shortly.
Funny to think that we were that couple that others envied. Devoted to each other and not afraid to show it. Always holding hands. People often remarked on how lucky she was to have me
Well - back to the housework. I've boiled the bones of the duck and made a bit pot of broth. I'll let it cool and remove the fat and then reheat it enough to pour it into molds. I use my muffin pans to freeze the broth into individual pucks that just nicely make gravy for one. Some of the broth will go into making duck stew as well. Might just have a sit though and pick something new to read - something light I think.
Lots of leftovers to work through as well. My son didn't take any with him. Dressing and turnip is probably dinner tonight.
I have tomorrow and Tuesday "off" - some nasty weather is supposed to roll in. Hopefully it will be good enough for my son to get his tire fixed though.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
My heavens - I hardly recognize myself from back then. The extra chances I gave her, the kindness that I showed even as she was deep into it and taking me for granted. Sigh. I'm certainly a much more cynical person now.
You are? Are you certain about that? Because your actions and behavior both with B and most recently with S would say otherwise. That’s even with many on the outside looking in, including many here, trying to convince you and help you screaming in your ear. I don’t say these things to be mean. I say them for multiple reasons. First, people rarely change. If you were anything but cynical with your W, with B with S why would you be not be the same today? In fact you called me and others cynical, and uncaring and told us how even though the odds clearly said otherwise it would be different for you. The real test of if you’ve changed is yet to come. You won’t know for certain until B’s or S’s successor enters your life. But to assume it will be different is extremely naive and dangerous. Going in very cautiously knowing how you’ve been all of your life and trying to alter that is the best you’ve got. Assume it will happen again unless you take steps to avoid and change it. Nothing magical or otherwise has happened or changed in the last year. The best predictor of your future behavior is your recent past behavior. Until you test these changes with the next woman, it’s nice to look back and think we’ve learned and changed but it’s very dangerous. You have to keep your guard up and prove it can and will be different. That test is still forthcoming.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Thanks Don. Had to chew on that for a while before responding but you are indeed correct. A tool cannot be proven to work or not work until it is used.
A couple of friends of mine now refer to me as commitment avoidant and TBH, there is a lot of reluctance to start up anything with anyone so who knows when that test might come. I'm not putting any timelines, dates or expectations on anything right now.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
So I think a commitment avoidant would mean you are playing the field. A “Don Juan” so to speak. Since I don’t think that’s your style Andy P refining your screening process is the way to go. Time to get back up on that horse after the first of the year.
Thanks Don. Had to chew on that for a while before responding but you are indeed correct. A tool cannot be proven to work or not work until it is used.
Glad you received and viewed it as I intended. You very much can rise to the challenge when and if the time comes. You’ll just have a better chance at success if you can remember and keep close the thoughts and feeling you have today rather than the rosey hopes that will inevitably creep in. I’m great at seeing these things in others. I much more struggle when I’m in the thick of it. Nothing wrong with being cautious and cynical while making the lady prove herself over time.
I agree, a tool cannot be proven until used. I hope you get to use your tool soon. Er um, you know what I mean.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Some of the files that I have backed up though aren't things that I think she should have the opportunity to randomly encounter, specifically around my divorce, her mother's infidelity and related proofs etc. To make things easier if she ever needs to act on my behalf she does need a copy of the certificate and some related documents. So I went through to purge out some of the files.
I have a ton of evidence stored up as well. At the time is seemed so important, but now almost two years later it seems pointless. Didn't factor into the D at all, and wouldn't be good to share with the kids (even if I had thoughts of that as revenge at the time). Perhaps I should do a purge myself at some point.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
My heavens - I hardly recognize myself from back then. The extra chances I gave her, the kindness that I showed even as she was deep into it and taking me for granted. Sigh.
Yep. Completely understand this.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Some of the files that I have backed up though aren't things that I think she should have the opportunity to randomly encounter, specifically around my divorce, her mother's infidelity and related proofs etc. To make things easier if she ever needs to act on my behalf she does need a copy of the certificate and some related documents. So I went through to purge out some of the files.
I have a ton of evidence stored up as well. At the time is seemed so important, but now almost two years later it seems pointless. Didn't factor into the D at all, and wouldn't be good to share with the kids (even if I had thoughts of that as revenge at the time). Perhaps I should do a purge myself at some point.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
My heavens - I hardly recognize myself from back then. The extra chances I gave her, the kindness that I showed even as she was deep into it and taking me for granted. Sigh.
Yep. Completely understand this.
My exh actually went to the probate court and searched the records of his parents' divorce. I'm trying to remember when he did that, but I can't quite place the timeframe. It may have been after our son was born. My point being, if they want that information, they will search it out themselves. Better not to find it from either of you, I think.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
