A year on and standing 2

[SteveLW]

ToSmile, sounds like you have an overall plan. Great! That is the key. You will feel much more settled with a plan in place.

As far as talking to people, especially her family? I say avoid it like the plague. This is between you and her. Not you and her family, or her and your family. It is nobody's business. A short answer to shortcut it it like "We are working through these things." "I am not comfortable discussing with you." Etc. Again, have a plan but I say that plan should be to NOT get into the details at all.

[ToSmile]

Been signing up for courses and intend to carry out career transition into another industry.

Trying to stay relevant and ahead of the industry 4.0 and also my current job is taking up way too much of my time. To the extent that GAL seems to be mingling with my colleagues with the extended meetings post office hours that frequently eats into my exercise time too.

I have one question about DB. Might seems kinda weird to ask it now… but we are staying under one roof. When we bump into each other, do I give a cordial greeting or do I turn a blind eye on her? And if I leave the house, do I bid goodbye?

Reason I ask is, sometimes when I said good night or good bye, I get a response. Other times, I do not and as if I am talking to the air. I just thought it’s being courteous. But if this is an uncalled action during DB, I rather not do it. What’s your opinion?

[LH19]

I have one question about DB. Might seems kinda weird to ask it now… but we are staying under one roof. When we bump into each other, do I give a cordial greeting or do I turn a blind eye on her? And if I leave the house, do I bid goodbye?

Absolutely nothing wrong with being cordial.

Reason I ask is, sometimes when I said good night or good bye, I get a response. Other times, I do not and as if I am talking to the air. I just thought it’s being courteous. But if this is an uncalled action during DB, I rather not do it. What’s your opinion?

Does it bother you when you don't get a response?

I lived with my ex for about 16 months while in the D process. If I came home and I saw her I would say "hi". If I went to bed and she was in my path I would say good night. I wouldn't go out of my way for either.

[SteveLW]

Been signing up for courses and intend to carry out career transition into another industry.

Trying to stay relevant and ahead of the industry 4.0 and also my current job is taking up way too much of my time. To the extent that GAL seems to be mingling with my colleagues with the extended meetings post office hours that frequently eats into my exercise time too.

I have one question about DB. Might seems kinda weird to ask it now… but we are staying under one roof. When we bump into each other, do I give a cordial greeting or do I turn a blind eye on her? And if I leave the house, do I bid goodbye?

Reason I ask is, sometimes when I said good night or good bye, I get a response. Other times, I do not and as if I am talking to the air. I just thought it’s being courteous. But if this is an uncalled action during DB, I rather not do it. What’s your opinion?

So in both of my sitches we were IHS. So I contemplated this a lot. The answer is to do what works for you. In general, letting her be the one to initiate is the best approach, but if you cannot do that without seeming like you are purposely ignoring her then I would suggest just a courteous, short greeting......with (THIS IS THE KEY) no expectation that she will respond. Kind of like when you tell someone something quick where no response is necessary. "Good morning." "Good evening." "Goodnight." Same with leaving the house. Do not seek her out to say goodbye, but if you come across her as you are heading out just a short "I am heading out. Bye." (Note, never tell her where you are going or doing!) With no expectation of acknowledgment or response.

The key is the no expectation. If she doesn't respond or give the same courtesy and that bothers you then drop the greetings and byes entirely! If she greets you or says goodbye, a cheerful response "Good morning!" or "Okay, goodbye!" is appropriate.

Look, IHS is tough. Maintaining proper DB techniques can seem cold, callous, and wrong. But remember that she is the one that asking for more space and walking away, so by backing off and not extending greetings or goodbyes is simply giving her what she has asked for. The key is to be upbeat, cheerful, fulfilled and pleased when she DOES engage. What you don't do isn't going to make things worse, so if that is your fear then you can drop that.

tldr; No expectations is key! If you can greet her and say goodbye without expectations, then that is ok. If it stings you every time she ignores you, then drop the greetings and goodbyes unless she says it first.

[ToSmile]

Thanks for sharing your opinion LH and Steve.

Actually it does not really bothers me if she replies or not and so far I only greet or bid farewell when she happens to be around when I am leaving the house and such. Never go all the way to look for her to do that.

I was only thinking if it would be seemed as an act of smoothening because if it would, I would rather drop it all.

Recently, I hosted some closed friends that knew about the stitch over for festive gathering. Surprisingly, she joined in the session with us. And started to host everyone like how she used to be. Then halfway through, she went out for a while and after she came back, she sat down and drank with us.

My friends were puzzled. One of them text me the next day asking if everything's gotten back to how it was? I just laughed it off and shared with him nothing had gotten better. It's like the the Matrix. To her, I am the red pill while everything else is the blue pill 😁

To me, I also see a pattern that she always get into these "Ramp up Public Relation Strokes" with my family members or friends every time post mentioning divorce.

[LH19]

What does an act of smoothening mean?

Yeah people who don’t know any better because they haven’t experienced it yet lol don’t understand. They think it’s like a fight or disagreement and you just get over it.

Yeah she doesn’t want to seem like the bad girl. It may help a little to understand she is just trying to be happy.

[ToSmile]

True that LH.

It’s really to see us to believe. One would never understand or perhaps believe such is real until they go through it. Perhaps that’s what’s causing the LBH having much challenge to come to terms with it initially as it is so out of this world.

Sometimes, even claiming possessed by some supernatural beings seems to be even more convincing than this haha.

[LH19]

TS you’re having a hard time dealing with the loss of control. It really has nothing to do with your W. Your entire life is being flipped upside and it’s panic inducing. With time and space you will see that is what this is all about it just takes time.

[ToSmile]

Happy New Year Everyone,

Hope you had a good time with those that meant and matters. I been organizing family gatherings for the kids and with friends which they enjoyed much. W had been around for some of the times and when she is around, as usual she played the hospitable host before leaving halfway through. I just let her be. As like my friend mentioned, she's just trying to be the nice person.

Yesterday was the first day kids got back to school and the arrangement. My helper would normally pick them up after school but yesterday, the teacher called me half an hour past release time and no one went for my kids. I called home and Helper mentioned that W told her she will be picking up the kids. And when I called W, she mentioned that she thought helper will be doing it.

In this instance, I tend to side with the helper. Because in terms of responsibility, concern and care giving for the kids, the helper surpasses her in every area. W has the tenancy to forget about such matters. W mentioned she will be picking up the kids so I just let her go and perform her role than picking them up.

This morning, she brought up the matter of the house. Asking me what is my decision? If I would like to sell the share of the house to her, or dispose it in the open market? I told her definitely I am going for the open market choice. Because in that instance, I can free up the cash to offset the renovation and furnishing of my new place. If I sell my share to her, I will be walking away with zero profit unless she is going to compensate me for my opportunity cost.

She then told me that well, some of the furnishing in current home can be split between us. Which I mentioned how are we going to split the HVAC, the fridge, the cupboards etc? Then she told me that sure we can dispose of the house in the market. I can go and find out the value and update her (Do the ground works for her???). I told her nah. There would not be need for any research. Just engage a property agent and they will be keen to do the selling for you. I suggest to her that she can ask her friend whom she has been consulting with to do it for us or I can ask my relative to do it. She was a bit taken back and mentioned my relative? Then I said yeah. I have relatives in the line. We can see who can get a better rate for the sale.

After that, she brought up the care giving arrangement of the kids again. She asks if my parents can take care of the kids during weekdays? I told her nope. You can't expect my parents to do that. They may be able to help out once in a while when they are free but not assuming the care taking role. Then she start to suggest that she has the family car and maybe during week days she will manage the kids and we extend the engagement of our domestic helper whom had been with us for several years already to look after the kids.

I told her I am fine with the arrangement, provided the helper wishes to extend because she mentioned she may like to return to her country for a break before deciding to carry on working or not. And if not, we just let her go and get another one. Alternatively, we can place the kids in day care. But the Elder one would be too old for Day Care so he got to learn to be on his own.

Then she asked me about my Job if I am still going to be sticking around with my current company for long as I previously did mention about making a switch and tendering. I just mention well I still intend to move but currently I am just staying put for a while more because of some projects and allowing the dust in my life to settle down about.

Then she started smiling and said that she knows the company would surely counter offer me and I would not leave. I corrected her saying nope, I did not receive or accept any counter offer but in return, my load was reduced thus why I am able to be back earlier these days to be with the kids. But I will still move on. I told her don't get it wrong that I am being comfortable in my existing company. I am still here because it offers me the flexibility to take urgent time off to handle family matters and the kids. Through this years, I am the primary person who is taking all the leaves in terms of emergencies or when the kids are not feeling unwell she was not able to. She mentioned she understand.

I left for work after that. I'll just leave the ground work to her and provide my cooperation for the proceedings. But I think it's still gonna take a while. I think from time to time, she will try to get a reaction from me by bringing up the topic when she sees me getting by. But the impact and sting for me is getting lesser and lesser over time and I can feel the numbness of it. Just look ahead and move forth, making best of what I can in the future for the kids and myself.

[BL42]

ToSmile,

Yesterday was the first day kids got back to school and the arrangement. My helper would normally pick them up after school but yesterday, the teacher called me half an hour past release time and no one went for my kids... In this instance, I tend to side with the helper.

Don't side with the helper OR your W. Side with the kids. Make sure you're going above and beyond to see they're cared for despite your W's flakiness.

I think you need to re-read SteveLW's advice:

I will reiterate...do not agree to dinner to discuss the D, especially when it hasn't even been filed! You guys are already disagreeing on the house, so a discussion will not go the way you want and it will not end well. Set a date. If she doesn't file before then, you go file. And then use mediation to "come to terms". Be aware, she will likely fight you on everything. It is what WWs do. So I'd highly highly highly suggest hiring a lawyer. One of the best things I did in my situation was get a consultation with wiht a lawyer. There is NO downside to getting a free consult so you can get an idea of what to expect.

You're talking to her about house valuations, house furnishings, child care arrangements, your current / future job prospects without any formal D filing or lawyers...be wary. No need to agree on these things unless you're clearly getting a good deal from her. You talk about your lawyer throughout this sitch, so hopefully you have a strong and clear understanding of what you're entitled to.

This morning, she brought up the matter of the house. Asking me what is my decision? If I would like to sell the share of the house to her, or dispose it in the open market? I told her definitely I am going for the open market choice. Because in that instance, I can free up the cash to offset the renovation and furnishing of my new place. If I sell my share to her, I will be walking away with zero profit unless she is going to compensate me for my opportunity cost.

Not sure I understand this. I don't know your history/details, but assuming you bought the house together after marriage there's a good chance you're both entitled to half the equity in the house. You can base the current value on an average of realtors estimates, or a formal appraiser, or just make it up out of thin air. This is a negotiation. I kept our martial house and my ExW suggested buying her out at a value which was $10k under our original purchase price let alone the current value which had appreciated quite a bit. OK! No-brainer. She was cheating on and divorcing me, if she didn't do her due diligence to my favor, so be it. But whether you sell it on the open market or she buys you out of the equity, you'll get your share (assuming you negotiate a fair or beneficial valuation).

She then told me that well, some of the furnishing in current home can be split between us. Which I mentioned how are we going to split the HVAC, the fridge, the cupboards etc?

Not sure I understand this either. HVAC and fridge and cupboards are typically just included in the overall house value and not pulled out separately. Furniture like beds, dressers, couches, TVs...etc can be negotiated. I was fortunate to keep the house and almost all the contents without compensation, but sometimes that's easier done for the person keeping the house. If you're intending to leave and it's possible she may stay make sure to put a value on everything and get a fair buy out. You can just write it off that value against the overall total payout at the end.

Then she asked me about my Job if I am still going to be sticking around with my current company for long as I previously did mention about making a switch and tendering. I just mention well I still intend to move but currently I am just staying put for a while more because of some projects and allowing the dust in my life to settle down about.

Then she started smiling and said that she knows the company would surely counter offer me and I would not leave. I corrected her saying nope, I did not receive or accept any counter offer but in return, my load was reduced thus why I am able to be back earlier these days to be with the kids. But I will still move on. I told her don't get it wrong that I am being comfortable in my existing company. I am still here because it offers me the flexibility to take urgent time off to handle family matters and the kids. Through this years, I am the primary person who is taking all the leaves in terms of emergencies or when the kids are not feeling unwell she was not able to. She mentioned she understand.

No need to talk to her about your job and salary and new prospects. That's none of her concern anymore. This is a negotiation and that info can go to child support and spousal support. Keep your cards close to the vest.