A year on and standing 2

[SteveLW]

Trust your gut! Unfortunately it seems peoples' intuitions are usually proven correct in these cases. And especially if she picked an parking spot and quickly/secretively got into a car with another person. Where there's smoke there's usually fire.

THIS

Not sure about you ToSmile, but a PA for me in my sitch would have made my way forward so much clearly and easier for me. It is a boundary that there is no coming back from. Not sure if you have the same perspective or not, but I agree 100% with BL42. Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

[ToSmile]

Been a while. Hope everyone is well here.

Abit of update on my stitch. Overtime, I kinda have enough of her stance towards me and her way of trying to belittle or talk down to me. Thus I just let go. I told her, if she intents to divorce, let’s do it. There is no point that we are still staying together with her behaving like that in front of us daily.

She told me she was actually intending to wait for the kids to get bigger before doing so. And we can co parent under the same roof for now. I told her there will never be the right time and it is really also very suffocating for me to face her in this manner. I have not done anything to provoke / aggravate her and yet she is always behaving in that agitated manner.

I told her I leave it to her. If she would like to proceed, just do it but that does not solve the problem. For 3 over years, she had been treating me like that in and out. Then she started to bring out the instant which I dragged her to the psychiatrist for evaluation. I asked her, did she even remember why I did so? How was she behaving then that pushed me to that? She went quiet and said sorry thereafter. It’s the kind of scenario when they push u for a reaction that it crossed your line then they cried victim.

I told her to seek help for her issues. She said she did try to see a therapist previously but the therapist could not help her. I recommend her to look for another one then. Post then till now been about 3 weeks. She had been mostly cordial since then till now till this morning she messaged me saying that she intent to take my suggestion and proceed with the divorce. She is suggesting that perhaps we can go out for dinner and talk in details about it. I told her it’s fine with me. I’ll leave the arrangement of the dinner to her.

Then she mentioned she would like to buy over my share of our existing home, claiming that it’s better not to cause too much changes to the environment for the kids. I told her I would want to consider about that because my initial thoughts was to divest the home if it brings better profit. She said we can discuss about that and take my time to consider no problem.

Later I found out from my helper that she has actually been talking to the kids these few days about separation again behind my back. No wonder I do notice my chaps feeling Abit down but was not able to catch up with them much as I was returning late from work these 2 days.

I think I had done enough and I just leave it to that. No regrets. A particular incident that happened a month ago also diminished whatever much memories I had of whom she once was. I had a very bad fall that led to a grade 2 ankle sprain while at home. I was on the ground for 5 mins and unable to get up. She witness it and after a while just asked, “u ok?” Then called out to the kids saying “ur dad had a bad fall” before walking away. My helper and the dog was showing even more concern than her.

A wake up fall instead for me. So my intention now is, just go with the flow. Let her make the arrangements and I just go along with it. Always thought that perhaps things might be better due to her changes these 2-3 weeks but it comes back to this. And I told myself if she raised the topic of divorce up again, that would be the end of my stand. Originally I thought of roughing it out for 6 years as that’s the typical max range for MLC that I read or for ever. But then I think is enough.

3 years and 5 months since the bomb dropped. I accept the closure to my marriage and the person that I shared my life with. Although there’s some stirring within me still, it’s no longer as bad as before. I do look forward to some company but everyone’s kinda busy during this festive season and this is such a negative matter. So I think I’ll just get me some drinks later.

[BL42]

ToSmile,

Welcome back, and sorry you're still in this situation. I couldn't sleep tonight and so I just re-read your story.

Honest opinion? Your most recent update sounds like nothing much has changed at all. In your very first post here in July 2019 and countless times since right up until the present, your W was threatening D and you were telling her "ok, go ahead" and she wasn't taking action on separation/D.

3.5 years is a really long time to be living this way. I imagine it's a drain on you emotionally, mentally, and possibly physically.

How old are your kids? Earlier in your sitch you mention them sleeping on a mattress next to the martial bed, so that makes them seem young, but now are talking about discussions you and your W have with them about your marriage and the family and possibly getting through school before divorce, so that makes them seem older. It sounds like your W wants to get them through high school and then divorce so the status quo is actually to her advantage. The question is...does that work for you? Or, are you tired of it and ready to take action on your own and move on?

One thing that occurred to me is your threads seem very focused on your W's actions and state of mind and has very little mention on your GAL and self-development. Are you in the gym? Have you taken on new hobbies, activities? Met new friends? I joined an adult sports league, started grad school, joined a club, going to parties with friends...etc., and that has helped me a lot. Hope you're finding something to make the best of your life.

Hang in there...

[Traveler]

Abit of update on my stitch. Overtime, I kinda have enough of her stance towards me and her way of trying to belittle or talk down to me. Thus I just let go. I told her, if she intents to divorce, let’s do it. There is no point that we are still staying together with her behaving like that in front of us daily.

Hi ToSmile,

If you've had enough, what about taking direct steps to change the situation? Asking her to file for divorce leaves her in the driver's seat as far as the timeline, which could leave you in the same limbo in May’22 you were in back in May’21.

[ToSmile]

Hi BL,

Yep I had been getting a life via exercising. Working out 3 times a week and physically I changed a lot and became rather sporty in fact.

Thing that never change much probably is I have not been meeting new people and my old group are coup up with life. Thus most of the time I actually been spending with the kids and that given her an opportunity to be away much too.

Cwarrior, I thought of it too. That it is to be initiated by me. Although some may see it like an excuse but I hate to be the one that drive the final blow to the family for my kids. I had a short conversation with them earlier. Younger boy mentioned he would want us to be together and elder one said he wishes to move out with me.

I do admit I had messed up doing the DB thing and such a couple of times over the years but now I am picking up my self worth. Perhaps at the current stage my mentality is, paper presented to me I will sign. But me taking the initiative to serve, I need to squeeze my balls a few more times first.

[LH19]

I have not done anything to provoke / aggravate her and yet she is always behaving in that agitated manner.

One of my best friends is going through the same thing right now. Life hasn't met up to her expectations and right now she feels you are keeping her from having those expectations met. She feels like a caged animal. Time to open the caged door.

Then she started to bring out the instant which I dragged her to the psychiatrist for evaluation. It’s the kind of scenario when they push u for a reaction that it crossed your line then they cried victim.

You didn't break her so you can't fix her.

I told her to seek help for her issues.

Sounds controlling.

She said she did try to see a therapist previously but the therapist could not help her.

No one can help her because she doesn't want to be helped.

I recommend her to look for another one then.

You didn't break her so you can't fix her.

She had been mostly cordial since then till now till this morning she messaged me saying that she intent to take my suggestion and proceed with the divorce.

You set yourself up for that one.

She is suggesting that perhaps we can go out for dinner and talk in details about it. I told her it’s fine with me. I’ll leave the arrangement of the dinner to her.

The most overrated advice IMO given on this board. You want her to rethink her stance? Act like you can't wait to have the conversation.

Then she mentioned she would like to buy over my share of our existing home, claiming that it’s better not to cause too much changes to the environment for the kids.

She has a valid point here.

I told her I would want to consider about that because my initial thoughts was to divest the home if it brings better profit.

Is this true or a control thing?

Later I found out from my helper that she has actually been talking to the kids these few days about separation again behind my back. No wonder I do notice my chaps feeling Abit down but was not able to catch up with them much as I was returning late from work these 2 days.

She shouldn't be doing that and I would speak to her about it.

I think I had done enough and I just leave it to that. No regrets.

You faught dearly for your family and should be proud.

A particular incident that happened a month ago also diminished whatever much memories I had of whom she once was. I had a very bad fall that led to a grade 2 ankle sprain while at home. I was on the ground for 5 mins and unable to get up. She witness it and after a while just asked, “u ok?” Then called out to the kids saying “ur dad had a bad fall” before walking away. My helper and the dog was showing even more concern than her.

She's dead inside right now.

A wake up fall instead for me. So my intention now is, just go with the flow. Let her make the arrangements and I just go along with it.

Unless it conflicts with what is in your best interest.

Always thought that perhaps things might be better due to her changes these 2-3 weeks but it comes back to this. And I told myself if she raised the topic of divorce up again, that would be the end of my stand.

Things always have to get worse before they get better. She has to go on this journey.

Originally I thought of roughing it out for 6 years as that’s the typical max range for MLC that I read or for ever. But then I think is enough.

What makes you think it's MLC.

3 years and 5 months since the bomb dropped. I accept the closure to my marriage and the person that I shared my life with.

You can walk away with your head held high.

Although there’s some stirring within me still, it’s no longer as bad as before.

Time and space will do wonders for you.

[SteveLW]

Been a while. Hope everyone is well here.

Abit of update on my stitch. Overtime, I kinda have enough of her stance towards me and her way of trying to belittle or talk down to me. Thus I just let go. I told her, if she intents to divorce, let’s do it. There is no point that we are still staying together with her behaving like that in front of us daily.

She told me she was actually intending to wait for the kids to get bigger before doing so. And we can co parent under the same roof for now. I told her there will never be the right time and it is really also very suffocating for me to face her in this manner. I have not done anything to provoke / aggravate her and yet she is always behaving in that agitated manner.

I told her I leave it to her. If she would like to proceed, just do it but that does not solve the problem. For 3 over years, she had been treating me like that in and out. Then she started to bring out the instant which I dragged her to the psychiatrist for evaluation. I asked her, did she even remember why I did so? How was she behaving then that pushed me to that? She went quiet and said sorry thereafter. It’s the kind of scenario when they push u for a reaction that it crossed your line then they cried victim.

I told her to seek help for her issues. She said she did try to see a therapist previously but the therapist could not help her. I recommend her to look for another one then. Post then till now been about 3 weeks. She had been mostly cordial since then till now till this morning she messaged me saying that she intent to take my suggestion and proceed with the divorce. She is suggesting that perhaps we can go out for dinner and talk in details about it. I told her it’s fine with me. I’ll leave the arrangement of the dinner to her.

Then she mentioned she would like to buy over my share of our existing home, claiming that it’s better not to cause too much changes to the environment for the kids. I told her I would want to consider about that because my initial thoughts was to divest the home if it brings better profit. She said we can discuss about that and take my time to consider no problem.

Later I found out from my helper that she has actually been talking to the kids these few days about separation again behind my back. No wonder I do notice my chaps feeling Abit down but was not able to catch up with them much as I was returning late from work these 2 days.

I think I had done enough and I just leave it to that. No regrets. A particular incident that happened a month ago also diminished whatever much memories I had of whom she once was. I had a very bad fall that led to a grade 2 ankle sprain while at home. I was on the ground for 5 mins and unable to get up. She witness it and after a while just asked, “u ok?” Then called out to the kids saying “ur dad had a bad fall” before walking away. My helper and the dog was showing even more concern than her.

A wake up fall instead for me. So my intention now is, just go with the flow. Let her make the arrangements and I just go along with it. Always thought that perhaps things might be better due to her changes these 2-3 weeks but it comes back to this. And I told myself if she raised the topic of divorce up again, that would be the end of my stand. Originally I thought of roughing it out for 6 years as that’s the typical max range for MLC that I read or for ever. But then I think is enough.

3 years and 5 months since the bomb dropped. I accept the closure to my marriage and the person that I shared my life with. Although there’s some stirring within me still, it’s no longer as bad as before. I do look forward to some company but everyone’s kinda busy during this festive season and this is such a negative matter. So I think I’ll just get me some drinks later.

ToSmile, welcome back. I have to agree with BL. I see a lot of talk here, but not much action. Even her talking to the kids is just that, talk. Even if you meet her for dinner, that will be more talk.

My suggestion is to tell her to go file and then you can discuss the details. Likely she is going to try to make this a "joint" decision. "We've decided to get a divorce." My guess is that you will not like that. You want her to pull the ripcord, so you can look back and say you did everything you could, but that she just didn't want to stay married.

But ToSmile, I also have to point out that you are still trying to control her. Look at these statements.

"I told her there will never be the right time and it is really also very suffocating for me to face her in this manner.

I have not done anything to provoke / aggravate her and yet she is always behaving in that agitated manner.

If she would like to proceed, just do it but that does not solve the problem.

Then she started to bring out the instant which I dragged her to the psychiatrist for evaluation.

I told her to seek help for her issues.

I recommend her to look for another one then. "

You are still struggling with trying to fix her, control her, manipulate her to get what you want. What you want is commendable: A loving, committed wife that treats you with respect. However, you admit yourself that you've read on MLC and realize that they have to run their course. Whether that is 6 years, forever, or somewhere in between.

I can tell that you were still hoping that the "divorce me now" tact would have awaken her. How? Because she treats you decently for 3 weeks, and then acts ambivalent when you fall and hurt yourself. And you are surprised by that? Have you ever seen the movie "War Of The Roses"? In the movie that wife is "over" the marriage. The husband has a medical incident thinking it is a heart-attack. The wife doesn't come to the hospital. Afterwards, when questioned, she says "I didn't come because I got a premonition that you were dead. That made me happy." THAT is where your wife is and she has made that abundantly clear for 3+ years. So you fell and hurt yourself and she couldn't give a crap.......that is a WW!!

So I see you struggling because you fail to take action. You have made it clear for 3+ years that she should move forward with the D if that is what she wants. When she doesn't file, but nothing else changes, you grit your teeth and bear it......until you can't take it anymore and then you "remind" her that she should D you if that is what she wants. When she says she wants to wait you "urge" her to do it because "it is suffocating" for you.

Here is a stronger way to proceed: Set a date in your head. If she hasn't filed by that date, YOU GO FILE! You accuse her of playing the victim in relation to the psychiatrist, yet you are playing the victim because of her behavior and actions. You have no control over her behavior and actions. But you do over yours! So take action yourself instead of sitting back and feeling sorry for yourself. You don't deserve what she is doing to you.....and that stinks. But life isn't fair. You have to be willing to stand up for yourself.

I will reiterate...do not agree to dinner to discuss the D, especially when it hasn't even been filed! You guys are already disagreeing on the house, so a discussion will not go the way you want and it will not end well. Set a date. If she doesn't file before then, you go file. And then use mediation to "come to terms". Be aware, she will likely fight you on everything. It is what WWs do. So I'd highly highly highly suggest hiring a lawyer. One of the best things I did in my situation was get a consultation with wiht a lawyer. There is NO downside to getting a free consult so you can get an idea of what to expect.

ToSmile, 3+ years and you are in the same spot as before. If you really feel suffocated and cannot go on, then you need to be the one to pull the ripcord. Let us know how it goes.

[SteveLW]

One point of clarification. When you pick a date, DO NOT TELL HER. The date is for you to take action, not to try and manipulate her.

[ToSmile]

Guys,

Thanks for your comments.

I am actually looking at disposing the house in the open market because it will fetch profit and cash proceeds that I would need to furnish and fit my new place when I am going to get one.

At where I am, people actually paid cash over the valuation of residence and that comes handy as a new place gonna cost me another 50 to 70 grand to do up. If I only allow her to buy over my share in loan, I would be starting off with 0 cash proceeds. The house was bought through the loan of something like the 401k account and upon disposal, the proceeds will have to go back to the account.

Thus the decision to do that than just transfer my loan portion to her is not to control but I need the cash to move on easier.

Our joint joint counsellor called me earlier. She mentioned that she had spoken with my wife and my wife mentioned to her that she will asked me out to talk on the proceedings. I expected that it will not be something smooth as it come to this because as far her proposal had been to her benefits and convenience. However, I will talk everything business. My needs, my children needs when we walk away from what we built up over the years. The counsellor offered to be the mediator if we need to settle the terms and offered support services for the kids when they go through it.

If from the talk she delays still, I will prep myself on setting the date and do it. I had in fact already spoken to a lawyer and found out the charges and shared with him some documents and details. Will be just a matter of a phone call to activate the proceeding.

I can foresee the mess that is to come with it. Her family especially her mum will come and ask me what's wrong and isn't everything fine all those things all over again. I am thinking should I avoid them totally or just tell them the truth of what had actually transpired? After all, it's her family?

[LH19]

Just remember that it’s the truth as you see it.

The correct response IMO would be “You should with your daughter”.