Another day in the life of

[MLCxH]

Correcting typo

doing going on a date with them

[Ginger1]

But how do you date if someone doesn’t make time for you?

I have a full life. A job and a half, a child, hobbies, a full social life. But it’s a given I’m
Not going to fit perfectly into someone’s life, and they are not going to fit perfectly into mine. So if the goals are similar: an eventual partner, doesn’t there need to to be some sort of give and take ?

I know a future partner is something I place value on cultivating and it has to start somewhere, so I want to put effort and compromise into it, no matter how busy and full my life is. I Am a very good GAL. But if there isn’t give in take, it’s just will never happen.

Sadly, the last guy I was committed to, even when we were committed, expected me to fit into his life. As if I didn’t have one. Which I really do. We all have responsibilities. Children. Jobs, houses chores,
Friends, commitments. I surely do.

I don’t expect anyone to make me a priority early on. But if someone really wAnts to date, they have to put the actual dating on the priority list. That would be a GAL activity .Don’t put me on the priority list. Put the dating there.
If a future relationship is important to them, they will do that. It’s important to me, so I make sure dating is something I can fit in which I know requires flexibility and compromise . And I choose to make that a part of my GAL because of what I truly want .


The sexual nature and intimacy is developed through emotional connection for women. And if a man doesn’t care to foster it, and just wants the sexual portion because he is too busy Gal, well, then I really don’t know what to say

Look at LH. His GF wants him to give more emotionally. but she can’t give him what he needs to to foster that connection .

I respect you very much MLCx. Very much. But I have a full life too. Just like these full lives of men in my demographic. But I’m not understanding why I will have to make room in my life for them, but they shouldn’t have to make room in their lives for me? I’m not really grasping that

[MLCxH]

Ginger,
I understand the frustration you are experiencing. I am not advocating for you to lower your standards or expect any less from the person you are dating. What I was advising was to temper your expectations on what is likely to happen. There is a subtle but important difference between expectations on what the other person will do (not in your control) and expectations on what the other person needs to do (in your control).

Once you set expectations on what the other person needs to do, vet them carefully before you invest in a relationship. Slow down the process and see if they are willing to commit emotionally before things escalate sexually. Keep your eyes open to see if they meet your expectations. Don't judge too quickly but don't invest into the relationship till you are confident they make the cut. This may mean many guys will get screened out by you or more likely they will disengage themselves but recognize that is a good thing. If you are not invested, then it should be water off your back when they ghost you. On the flip side you may feel a greater sense of rejection since you are likely to go through longer periods of time without a new relationship and the hope that it brings. Recognize that this is not a reason to despair and fall back on the GAL in your life (you have plenty, so that is not a problem) to distract you from the despair. Your quantity of dates and potential relationships will be a lot less but the quality will be likely higher. Since you are looking for a serious long term partner, you are looking to find only one good guy. If you have $100, you can buy multiple bottles of cheap wine or a couple of bottles of really good wine. If your objective is to drink just one glass of wine, you will be better off taking your chances on fewer bottles of expensive wine. Sure, you may get lucky with a cheap wine that tastes as good but the odds are you will have to sample a lot of glasses and may still not find one that is great. So recognize that playing the numbers game is not necessarily helpful given what you are looking for.

Sadly, the last guy I was committed to, even when we were committed, expected me to fit into his life.

Learn from this experience. If there is a mismatch in the effort you are putting in versus what he puts in, you will end up hurt. Make them earn room in your life just as you strive to earn room in theirs. Doesn't mean you dump them immediately but don't invest more till they match your level of investment. If you give it sufficient time and they don't measure up, move on.

You are a catch that will make some guy very happy. Keep your standards high and be patient. Know that you have a great life whether some guy is lucky enough to share it with you or not.

[LH19]

I won't comment on Ginger's love life directly but I will comment on DB SUCCES story MLCxH's comments.

I am not advocating for you to lower your standards or expect any less from the person you are dating. What I was advising was to temper your expectations on what is likely to happen.

I posted this to Don on another thread. IMO OLDing is great when you have zero expectations about it or from people.

There is a subtle but important difference between expectations on what the other person will do (not in your control) and expectations on what the other person needs to do (in your control).

Very subtle.

Slow down the process and see if they are willing to commit emotionally before things escalate sexually.

Yeah this is big. If I guy is really interested he will wait 5-10 dates.

Keep your eyes open to see if they meet your expectations. Don't judge too quickly but don't invest into the relationship till you are confident they make the cut.

I agree here and this is where I am stuck with the girl I am dating. Though 4 months seems like a long time. Since our time together is rare I still am not sure though things are becoming clearer.

This may mean many guys will get screened out by you or more likely they will disengage themselves but recognize that is a good thing.

Yep. Then like the dentist says "next".

If you are not invested, then it should be water off your back when they ghost you.

I couldn't agree more. DeJa is learning to not judge and invest too much in the beginning. Meeting quickly is the way to go.

On the flip side you may feel a greater sense of rejection since you are likely to go through longer periods of time without a new relationship and the hope that it brings.

This is why being happy and healthy on your own is so important.

Your quantity of dates and potential relationships will be a lot less but the quality will be likely higher.

Yeah so trying to find a quality guy on Tinder is like trying to find a stay at home mom in a strip club.

Since you are looking for a serious long term partner, you are looking to find only one good guy.

QB Josh Allen got one scholarship but he knew he only needed one college to believe in him. Now he is a millionaire.

Sadly, the last guy I was committed to, even when we were committed, expected me to fit into his life.

Learn from this experience. If there is a mismatch in the effort you are putting in versus what he puts in, you will end up hurt. Make them earn room in your life just as you strive to earn room in theirs. Doesn't mean you dump them immediately but don't invest more till they match your level of investment. If you give it sufficient time and they don't measure up, move on.

This is really great advice!

[Ginger1]

MLC- thank you for taking the time and explaining that. It absolutely all makes sense. I’m all honesty, all these dates and I wasn’t all that invested in any. I wasn’t feeling much of anything with anyone . One guy , we were literally just having fun because he was in no place to date, we always had a good time together, but 2 months and not bothering to hang out? I told him that wasn’t working for me and he said he didn’t want to end the connection. Gave him another chance. He didn’t pull through, I ended it, he still didn’t want to end it, but he also still didn’t want to put effort forth. I was done.

I luckily haven’t invested in any of them. The one guy who is into me, well, we didn’t get to see eachother much he worked like every night and when you sleep every day there isn’t much communication. I couldn’t get close to him. No idea why he felt so connected to me, but I didn’t have it for him.

I’ve weeded a lot out early on. Due to their inappropriateness . I really just need a break from it. I get it from every OLD platform. It’s making me sick to my stomach, actually. And angry. Just angry. And I think that’s why I was sad when the last guy changed his mind at the last minute about our second date. It was nice to talk to someone who was appropriate .

I need a break. The thought of dating right now makes my stomach turn. The thought of trying to engage with another guy who goes sexual on me before we meet just angers me. It’s just not rolling off my back now.

I will, however not invest with anyone early on , or over invest in someone again. I will not place high expectations on effort, but if there is none, I will just walk away. I’m going to go with my gut. I’m going to get out of my own way and my own head and keep it simple when I do decide to date again.

Just can’t do it now. I just want to put my energy where there is a fruitful return right now that makes me feel good. And that’s in myself family and friends .

[BL42]

Ginger1,

BL! Are you a neighbor? I was “barefoot” in the sand and it was a “wild” time! And definitely between 2 piers on the beach.

No clue on the neighbor front, but we were almost certainly “barefoot” and enjoying the same tunes this August! Small world. In fact, I've had a "wild" time nearly every Summer of my life and many of relatives worked on those piers.

I think "normal" (I use that word loosely since what is "normal", right?) men like yourself, LH, really don't understand because you just would never even think to behave as inappropriately online as some other men do. Sadly, it is far more common than some men realize because there are just those weirdos who say whatever as though they are just talking to a computer and not an actual person on the other end. I can't count the number of men I blocked because they were just downright lewd and disgusting in a very short time of saying hello in chat. I can totally see why women think OLD can be disheartening.

There's a scene in a raunchy teen comedy from two decades ago called Road Trip in which there's a super creepy random guy on the bus and the female character yells out "Are there any guys out there who are just NORMAL? Huh?" to get him to back away. Pretty funny in the scene; I'm sure not so much in real life. I guess I'm as surprise as LH at how prevalent women's experiencing in this area seems to be. Blows my mind.

I am definitely attracted to guys with drive, self confidence but not cockiness, ( I hate big egos) someone funny and and empathetic and strong yet vulnerable.

Confidence is perhaps the #1 attractive trait discussed on the dating / self help resources which Ready2Change and others have suggested on these forums.

This particular guy who seems to not be able to let go is just a situation where he talks about how amazing I am, but he doesn’t even know me. He talks mostly about himself, is oddly obsessed with the fact I have a career and I’m a nurse. But he doesn’t know ME.

This also seems to be a common theme. Women turned off by men coming on strong and falling too quickly because they feel the guy doesn't even know them that well yet. My theory is it's often just the guy just wanting to make a connection and perhaps if given more time it might develop, but seems to have the opposite effect.

Not sure I have much advice, but do appreciate you sharing on the topic...it's good to hear the female perspective on the dating front.

[Cadet]

In response to everyone posting I will just say

LOVE is a CHOICE, and must be made by both people everyday.

I think the problem is that most people don't want to make this choice.

[bttrfly]

In response to everyone posting I will just say

LOVE is a CHOICE, and must be made by both people everyday.

I think the problem is that most people don't want to make this choice.

yup. absolutely. better be pretty compelling for me to make that choice at this point. that may change in an hour/day/month/year(s) but not today.

[Dawn70]

I don't have much to add, G, but I will just say I think you are fan-freaking-tastic and I hope you find what you deserve some day. (((G)))

Cadet, say it again louder for the people in the back! You are absolutely right.

[Ginger1]

Thank you my friend dawn. And yea, love is a choice. No one has actively chosen to love me yet. It is what it is. I hope one day makes makes the mutual choice

Honestly, this has been the first time in months that I am talking to no man and have no desire either. It’s peaceful. No one is disappointing me. No flakiness. No wondering. I am much more content this way. Do I miss intimacy! Yes! But emotional intimacy is what I miss and I haven’t found it in a long time. Everything has been so superficial. Superficial does not suit me . I need substance.

For myself, I’m looking to get back into my fitness. My knee actually feels a lot better. I have lost op discomfort but the problems I had are gone. Hopefully it stays that way. I was thinking about getting back into heavy lifting. I am strong, I enjoy it, and it would be rewarding.

I don’t want to put my energy into dating for a while. I’m open to a nice mutual relationship, but I don’t want to search for it. I want to put my energy into me. At least I appreciate it