WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Divorced Anyway (5)

[AndrewP]

Two post-D logistical questions...

1) Marital Last Name - ExW is still using my last name on things like school papers, kids activities, financials...etc. At this point I'd prefer she didn't; she clearly has no interest in being part of my family so why should she use our name? Perhaps she's holding out for an OM2 proposal to save an extra transition? I kid. Sort of. Anyway, understood it's out of my control but I'm tempted to send a note asking what the status is there (serving as a bit of a nudge). Or, do I just let it be?

Nothing you can do about it, none of your business. You don't own her name, she does. Some women change their last name, some don't. It's a hassle. Mine didn't change her's either. She could call herself Buffy McD if she wanted to. It does simplify things for them if they have a professional reputation attached to it as well as with kids / school to keep the name that is on all the paperwork.

2) Monthly Child Support Payments - 18 down, only 214 more to go! LOL. Unfortunately for me my state's laws have little bearing on the children's actual financial needs and are based mostly on the disparity of parental income, so despite ExW having a professional job and me caring for the kids 50% in agreement (and usually more in practice) I'm basically paying her mortgage & car payment. But, I digress. Support runs until age 21...so with S6 and D3 it's going to be a long road. Right now I'm writing physical checks monthly and just passing them over in a backpack or bag during a transition. Is there a better way to handle this going forward?

Follow the letter of your agreement if it specifies. I do an e-transfer on or before the 15th of each month. I like that system as I get to control when the money leaves my account. Your bank may be able to automate a payment if that's something you would want. It helps to just think of it as one more bill to be paid. Also - not sure on your jurisdiction, but here at least spousal support is taxable by the recipient whereas child support isn't. Every year I fill out a form that I send to the government and my HR person to reduce the amount of tax deducted at source based on the spousal support I pay. It comes to a surprisingly large amount.

[Ginger1]

Because I love to tell my stories and because I’m home on LOA and bored, I’ll tell it

I went back to maiden name. I didn’t want to share it with his AP. I got my ex to agree to hyphenate our daughters name, but I didn’t go through with it.

For Christmas , my dad and his wife are getting my daughter a jersey of our favorite hockey team. I told him to only do a number ( her birth day and one of the top players on the team ) but they needed a name too. So I told him to put her last name on it ( my ex’s last name, obviously) . My dad in his usual unreasonable sensitive manner gets insulted because it’s HIS name. I corrected this one and said , “no, that’s her name, and she shouldn’t feel bad about what her last name is” he apologized quickly on this one.

Your kids have your last name and they are a part of her family. She shouldn’t have to give up her last which is her kids last name. Her kids are her family and she shouldn’t have to extricate from that part.

And even though I changed my name back and my ex hasn’t even been involved with her schooling, everyone has called me Mrs . ( daughters last name) anyways

[Ginger1]

My ex Zelle’s his payments right into my account.

And yes, child support is based on disparity and the division given that disparity. It goes towards the cost of housing and living. Food, electric. Mortgage, etc. Not just direct monetary needs of the children.

If my ex and I had 50/50, I would be paying child support to him . He pays me Because I have more custody . I am the higher earner . He’s fortunate k never took him
Back since the original agreement

[kml]

Or, do I just let it be?

Let it be. I kept my married name. It's the same as my kids and it's the professional name I've used. In fact I had it almost as long as I'd had my maiden name when we got divorced. It shouldn't affect you in the slightest.

As for child support - you are contributing to their quality of life. Even with your contribution they will not be living in as affluent a household on either end, as what they had before the divorce. Kids are expensive and this is your obligation. If this helps them live in better housing, have more amenities, go to a better school district, afford a vacation with their mom - these are all things you should be supportive of. In extreme examples, for instance, it would be bad for the kids to live with one wealthy parent and then have to go half the time to live with a poverty-stricken parent in a slum. Child support helps ensure that their quality of life does not vary that greatly from one household to the next. Let go of the resentment, it will only hurt your children.

(My ex held on to his resentment over my alimony - our kids were grown. I'd mommy tracked my career in order to relieve my ex of all those pesky child-rearing issues that would have interfered with his surfing and mountain climbing and his great career success. If I'd had the support HE had, I could have had an equally lucrative career. But since someone needed to raise the kids, and breastfeeding and other issues made it most logical that this be me, and since I had some serious health issues possibly triggered by pregnancy, my career slowed down to part time in those years. I work full time now but make much less than my ex does. My alimony is by the book, actually less than what the formula would give me. But my cheapo ex thinks in his mind that since he pays me alimony after a 24 year marriage, I should be solely responsible for helping out adult children when they need help . Don't be that guy - he's losing his relationships with the kids over it. You made a commitment to the kids and this money benefits them directly or indirectly. )

[BL42]

All,

Sounds passive aggressive to ask her to change her name.

Let it be. What name she chooses is outside your control.

Like LH said, asking her to change seems a bit passive aggressive.

Nothing you can do about it, none of your business. You don't own her name, she does. Some women change their last name, some don't. It's a hassle.

Your kids have your last name and they are a part of her family. She shouldn’t have to give up her last which is her kids last name. Her kids are her family and she shouldn’t have to extricate from that part.

Let it be. I kept my married name. It's the same as my kids and it's the professional name I've used. In fact I had it almost as long as I'd had my maiden name when we got divorced. It shouldn't affect you in the slightest.

Unanimous consensus to "let it be" on the last name so I won't broach the subject. Part of me does hope she changes it, and thinks she probably will at some point (though not sure she feels about taking her father's name back?...seriously might be waiting for OM2's name), but I suppose it doesn't overly bother me. It's just something I think about when writing her the checks. Understand I can't control it anyway. I'll stay silent on the matter.

He fired himself from any position of giving a crap about anything related to me when he divorced me and his last name was also my LEGAL last name at that point, so honestly, if he had asked me to change it, I would've kept his just to spite him.

Maybe I should explicitly ask her to keep my name so she changes it just to spite me! ;-)

name changes are complicated--new passport, driver's license, credit card, employee name, etc.) I certainly wouldn't want to go through more changes than necessary.

Completely understand why it's a pain, and it's typically the women who have to deal with it.

I have mine direct deposited from my check into her account.

I do an e-transfer on or before the 15th of each month. I like that system as I get to control when the money leaves my account.

As far as the child support, I would figure out a way to directly deposit it to whatever account she wants it in, even if that means her opening a separate account just for that or whatever.

My ex Zelle’s his payments right into my account.

I'll look into a way to automate / direct deposit it in the future. 18 more years is a long time to be writing out a physical check every month.

I just did the math I have less then 100. Wahoo!

99 child support checks on the wall! 99 child support checks! Take one down, pass it around...98 child support checks on the wall!

Passing it back and forth doesn't leave enough of a paper trail for you to be able to say you gave it to her. Again, not saying she would try to screw you over because I don't know either of you, but I would just think for both of your sake you would want some sort of actual proof (other than just the check itself) that the money is changing hands.

You better believe I have a scanned image of each and every check I've written as well as a spreadsheet calculating it all with references to bank and check number. No chance of me not having documented proof! lol

Also - not sure on your jurisdiction, but here at least spousal support is taxable by the recipient whereas child support isn't.

My ex held on to his resentment over my alimony - our kids were grown. I'd mommy tracked my career in order to relieve my ex of all those pesky child-rearing issues that would have interfered with his surfing and mountain climbing and his great career success. My alimony is by the book, actually less than what the formula would give me.

No spousal support in my situation. Based on the length of our marriage ("just" 7 years) and that ExW has a good paying job (just not as much as me), the calculated amount and duration of payment would've been minimal so it was waived. ExW never put aside her career. She always worked part time, before kids and even before we were married, and went full-time just before BD (probably a missed sign?).

And yes, child support is based on disparity and the division given that disparity. It goes towards the cost of housing and living. Food, electric. Mortgage, etc. Not just direct monetary needs of the children.

As for child support - you are contributing to their quality of life. Even with your contribution they will not be living in as affluent a household on either end, as what they had before the divorce. Kids are expensive and this is your obligation. If this helps them live in better housing, have more amenities, go to a better school district, afford a vacation with their mom - these are all things you should be supportive of. In extreme examples, for instance, it would be bad for the kids to live with one wealthy parent and then have to go half the time to live with a poverty-stricken parent in a slum. Child support helps ensure that their quality of life does not vary that greatly from one household to the next. Let go of the resentment, it will only hurt your children.

Well, it's not as if the kids were ever going to live in squalor half the time. ExW has a professional job and earns more than an average income for the area without child support. She did risk her job and actually stunted her career growth through all this, but that was due to the affair with her coworker in the office, not "mommy tracking" and that was certainly not on me. I've always been an extremely involved father and contributed more than my fair share around the house.

It does seem a bit unfair ExW had affairs, split up our family, moved OM2 in with my kids, divorced me...and now I get to help fund her lifestyle! And in my state I actually had to contribute to her legal bills to help her do all that to me, no lie. Money is fungible so who's to say it's even going to help the kids directly. She's made plenty of purchases unrelated to children in the past year and a half.

Don't be that guy - he's losing his relationships with the kids over it. You made a commitment to the kids and this money benefits them directly or indirectly.

Anyway, I'm not actually "that guy". I've never complained a peep to ExW about the checks and wouldn't make it an issue with the kids even if they were old enough to understand. Just a bit of venting here...

[DnJ]

Good Morning BL

A bit late, but 2 more cents for you.

Regarding not changing her last name. My XW said something pretty revealing, which at the time I totally didn’t get. I outright asked her about changing her name. It went something like this:

Me: I guess you’ll soon be a <OM Last Name>.

XW: No way! I’m not going to marry him!

Me: Oh, going back to <Maiden Name>?

XW: No way. Too many negative connotations with that name.

I realized the pain she was running from, is from her past. From her family’s past. From her family name.

Your XW isn’t keeping “your” last name to get at you. It’s just a name. Her reasons are, well, her reasons. And those might be pretty confusing. My XW was actually going to change her last name to “Rides in the Wind”. Because she likes to ride her bicycle fast into the wind. In the end she didn’t.


I’d set up an auto transfer of funds for payments. Paper trail, no forgetting, no worry if you go on a holiday, etc.


Have a great day.

D

[Ginger1]

OH BL.

Of course she’s made purchases not related to the kids in the past year. When someone receives child support it doesn’t mean they aren’t allowed to buy a nice pair of shoes, get their hair done, but a nice new air fryer. I don’t understand the assumption when someone receives child support they should just be living very basically with no extras j less they are for the kids. Does that really make any sense? Child support goes into the cost of the home and bills,
Clothes, food, etc. it’s not just to buy kids stuff directly. She works, so she can buy herself stuff as long as the kids are taken care of, there is a roof over their head, food on the table, etc. it’s an even split pretty much to even out the household disparity because 2 houses are being supported for kids as opposed to one. Your collective money was going into one house, now separate money goes into 2 .

Look, I get a pittance for child support. I make more money, but I have way more time so I get a drop. I am supporting a household in a state you know is insanity. My ex has 2 incomes to go into his house. They have a Hilton timeshare and take nice vacations twice a year, which they do take my D on, they spent a lot on Christmas, I really didn’t have much money this year. I haven’t taken my D on a vacation in years because I can’t afford it. I also put out a heck of a lot more money because she’s with me most of the time. I buy what she needs. Give her money for school stuff, the mall, activities with friends…. My $88/week I’m child support barely covers that.

It stinks. It stinks big time, I get it. But you have to just know that the money is for the children and not her. And if she narrows the gap and gets raises or a better job, well, your payments will be less if your salary doesn’t make much of a change.

I understand where you are coming from. No one wants to see their ex sitting pretty while you yourself struggles. But just know the child support isn’t so she can go buy her self designer handbags

[Dawn70]

While I agree with what you said, Ginger, I have (sadly) seen the other side of it. My xh's first xw was a real piece of work. We paid her nearly $700 a month (which honestly is NOT a lot when you are looking at raising 3 teenage girls), but we also were the ones who carried the financial burden of school clothes, school expenses, vehicle issues, etc. while xw worked full time, lived in a house paid for by her parents, drove a truck paid for by her parents, had a cell phone paid for by her parents, parents paid her utilities and my xh insisted that WE pay her satellite tv bill so the girls could have satellite tv at her house. What did she pay? Well, her boyfriend at the time had a job where he would travel to a job site in some random state and be there for x number of weeks or months til the job was done, so she used her salary and our child support money to travel to wherever he was every weekend. I wouldn't have even had a problem with that, IF the girls had gone with her, but guess what...the girls got left at our house most weekends. Occasionally she would leave them with her parents. She rarely bought any groceries because the girls always ate at our house or she sponged off people who would take her and the girls out and buy them dinner. Granted, though she worked full time, she barely made above minimum wage, but she paid literally NO bills. Her parents paid everything but her satellite bill, which we paid. Their divorce decree had my xh responsible for the full cost of the girls' medical and dental insurance and any bills over and above insurance were supposed to be split 50/50. We paid our 50%, but guess who paid hers...yep, her parents. So, literally, her only expenses were gas and groceries, but she probably didn't spend $20 a week on groceries. So, she was bringing in probably somewhere in the neighborhood of $200-$2500 a month with her only expense being $50 ish per week in gas to go back and forth to work. I'd like for someone to cut me that kind of deal.

Having said ALL that (sorry for the hijack, by the way, BL), I do think that our situation was an exception and not the rule. I think many single moms do the right thing. I just happened to be privy to one of the situations where that wasn't the case because my girls' mom is a money grubbing h0e.

[OnlyBent]

Hey BL, what's the latest?

Re the last name thing, my STBXW wants to keep my last name because of S5, I think that's totally reasonable if I'm honest and doesn't bother me. Also, if she stays with OM, its a bit of a F U that she's still kept something of mine! Jokes....mostly

[BL42]

DnJ,

Regarding not changing her last name. My XW said something pretty revealing, which at the time I totally didn’t get. I outright asked her about changing her name. It went something like this:

Me: I guess you’ll soon be a <OM Last Name>.
XW: No way! I’m not going to marry him!
Me: Oh, going back to <Maiden Name>?
XW: No way. Too many negative connotations with that name.

I realized the pain she was running from, is from her past. From her family’s past. From her family name.

My ExW didn't explicitly say any of this, but I suspect it may be the same situation as your J. My ExW did cut her dad out of her life for years (he wasn't invited to our wedding) and in the last few years let him back into her life but told him post DB she felt he was abusive to her when she was younger (though her brother disagrees and I'm now of the opinion her mom is the emotional manipulator). Anyway...it wouldn't surprise me if she doesn't want to take his name back. Or it could be the inconvenience, or waiting for OM2's name. Who knows really. Regardless, I'll follow the board's advice and not ask her about it and react without emotions if & when she does change it.

Ginger1/Dawn70,

Of course she’s made purchases not related to the kids in the past year. When someone receives child support it doesn’t mean they aren’t allowed to buy a nice pair of shoes, get their hair done, but a nice new air fryer. I don’t understand the assumption when someone receives child support they should just be living very basically with no extras j less they are for the kids. Does that really make any sense?

While I agree with what you said, Ginger, I have (sadly) seen the other side of it.

Don't want to dwell on this topic because honestly it's not a big cause for grief in my sitch (honestly just felt like a quick vent above), but I will respond briefly. I certainly want my kids to have what they need, and don't begrudge my ExW a new pair of shoes or hair appointment, but do think the law is unfair. The problem is there's no verification the money goes directly to the kids. There's no way to enforce this; money is fungible.

In writing we split the kids 50/50; in practice I care for them more than her (just not based on "nights"). She makes an above average income, has her wealthy mom and step dad in town helping financially, and OM2 living with her (and presumably sharing the household expenses). Yet on top of that I give her the equivalent of her previous mortgage and car payment. Since separation she's made major financial purchases which no one could argue benefited the kids (Caribbean vacation without them, elective surgery...etc.). She was the one who had affairs, split our family, divorced me, moved OM2 in with my kids...yet I have to write her monthly checks?

So yes...it does seem unfair. But no...I don't protest to her, I write the checks each month, and honestly for the most part am able to let it roll off my back.