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Hoch Offline OP
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Hello beautiful people.

Continuing from:

Confused But Committed Part 2

I haven’t posted in a long time, because my sitch has basically continued on unchanged for a long time. I’ve been steadily DBing to good effect since June of 2020. I’m here now because I need advice. Upfront I’d like to ask for no 2x4s at the moment, just kind advice. I’m a little shaky and not ready for them [b][/b]yet.

I’ll sum up for those who don’t remember my story. Wife and I have 2 very active boys, aged 3 and 6. Married 9 years, together 17. She dropped the bomb in 04/20, but we’ve been stuck in pandemic lockdown since, even after moving, as she increasingly distanced. Active kids require constant hands-on parenting, and she has been increasingly angry and “out to lunch” while I’ve had the stress of keeping a remote job to barely make ends meet (spending is part of her antics), while the kids run wild. Cant afford childcare.

Our main issue is that she claims to be asexual, and “will never have sex again,” a card she plays whenever she’s cornered (about anything, esp financial irresponsibility. Ie, “me: you can’t spend like this anymore.” “Her: Well, I’m never having sex with you again, so this marriage can’t last!” Non-sequitur, distraction tactic. I don’t believe it’s real, plus I’ve found she’s been watching racy adult videos in her private time.

I’ve been diligently DBing this whole time, and gotten quite good at it. I focus on myself, the kids, and my work. When resentment pops up, I let it pass and go. I won’t hold resentment for the girl I love, but neither will I allow bad behavior. Mostly these days I have faith that she will come through this. Our biggest current sticking point is that she’s been sleeping later and later (just refusing to get up) while my work deadlines are piling up and the kids need supervision. It creates massive stress for me.

I feel that she is nearing the later stages of the crisis. Those “waves of awareness” are washing up, then she’ll have a relapse of bad behavior almost textbook, as if to test if ill stand firm without holding resentment. Then it gets better and worse, better and worse, the whole while improving slightly on her predicted MLC course. I have settled in and made peace with the fact that I am in this for the long haul - both for my children and for the girl I love. She’s just taking her damn time getting there.

My outlook is positive. The big change is that recently I got sick (flu), while working a heavy deadline, AND she slept in and made me watch the kids while I was laid up on the couch. Just no quarter, no mercy. And something snapped inside - I went from outwardly kind and forgiving, to just done. What HeartsBlessing called “turning your emotional back on your spouse.” No reaction, no engagement, just done with their antics.

In the last few weeks since I’ve been “done,” she’s come around HARD. Bringing me food, asking me to come join her with the kids, visiting me in my home office, making plans for the holidays and next holidays, cooking and being bubbly and fun. And always with the attitude of, “are you ok? Are we ok? Look at me, talk with me!” HUGE difference from prior, which was her giving nothing to me or anyone, and being distant and cold.

So all in all I’d say this is working beautifully, it feels perfectly in line with what HeartsBlessing (and so many others) have laid out as “when you turn your back on them, they get scared and shape up.”

Which brings me to my question. Yesterday she started to panic and sent me an urgent text. Basically, “my gut tells me somethings going on. You basically act like I don’t exist. Are you talking to a lawyer? Have you seen other women (which I said was ok)? Are there big changes ahead? My mind is spinning.”

So I believe I’ve hit the desired stride - she’s wondering what up to, she’s worried she might lose me. She’s panicking, hopefully enough to clear her head and remember that we have a good family with lots of love worth fighting for. To her question, no I’m not planning anything, nor am I talking to a lawyer, nor am I seeing other women. I’m just overworked, underthanked, and have been DBing for a long time.

Help me, wise DBers - how do I respond? My gut tells me I’m on the right track and starting to make her wonder, but if I push too hard down that road too fast, she is likely to make rash decisions. Do I say “nothings going on, I’m just overworked”? That one is the truth. Or maybe “you have nothing to worry about, I’m just tired”?

Im in new territory here. I don’t know how to string along and be mysterious without making her panic and capsize the boat, which she is liable to do. I think I need to assuage just enough of her fears that she doesn’t do something crazy, but not enough that she goes back to being in comfortable replay.

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“No, I’m not planning anything and I haven’t been talking to a lawyer”

Then you could either say nothing else, or add “Im waiting to see if your recent changes are real” or stick with “Im just feeling overworked and under appreciated”.

Also - have you ever inquired as to whether your wife is feeling depressed? Excessive sleeping and decreased libido could be signs of clinical depression. Will she see a doctor?

And as for the spending - if you’re the primary breadwinner, you may need to control the finances if she has a serious spending problem (sometimes also part of depression).

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Thank you for your reply kml!

I like that. It’s honest, which I love. It also doesn’t give her much to bite on.

Yes, I know she’s very depressed, but is only seeing a counselor inconsistently and will cancel appointments at the drop of a hat. She’s been chain drinking/smoking, but has absolutely dug her heels in and refuses all help, inquiries, or assistance. The ONLY thing which is apparently helping is me taking an outwardly “flat” attitude to everything, even when I care deeply. The less I engage, the more she starts sniffing around the edges of better eating, less drinking, better sleep, more positivity.

And about the finances, I have recently taken control. Shes had small relapses, and whether or not these continue will determine if I get more drastic (cancelling cards, switching accounts, allowing only cash for groceries, etc.)

Last edited by Hoch; 11/25/21 07:05 PM.
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To update, this is what I did.

“Hey, I’m not planning anything, and I’m not talking to anyone. I’m just exhausted.”

The immediate reply was a frustrated, “well why didn’t you just tell me that?” Which is a non-reply so I ignored it.

I don’t want to fall back into play-by-play and reporting unnecessary conversation here. I’m solution-oriented, and my intuition still tells me that this is on a good track. I can also feel that I have to be careful with the “flat” affect - it can prod the situation forward, but it can also cause problems if I give the wrong impression, say of being cold and upset rather than indifferent,

My goal today is to be positive, enjoy my holiday, and focus on what I do want - a reconciled, happy family.

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Hoch,

Welcome back. Sorry you're going through this...

Originally Posted by Hoch
Help me, wise DBers - how do I respond? My gut tells me I’m on the right track and starting to make her wonder, but if I push too hard down that road too fast, she is likely to make rash decisions. Do I say “nothings going on, I’m just overworked”? That one is the truth. Or maybe “you have nothing to worry about, I’m just tired”?
I joined around the same time as you so I'm no expert, but I'd suggest playing it coy. Sounds like you're eager to to deny because your head wants her to know you're not doing anything she doesn't want you to do...out of fear she'll react the wrong way. Wouldn't it be better to get a twinkle in your eye and say "I'm just enjoying my life..." or "I have a lot to think about..." or something to that effect, and then walk away? I wouldn't lie and say you're dating/sleeping with someone, but also wouldn't be quick to ease her fears either.

Originally Posted by kml
And as for the spending - if you’re the primary breadwinner, you may need to control the finances if she has a serious spending problem (sometimes also part of depression).
Originally Posted by Hoch
And about the finances, I have recently taken control. Shes had small relapses, and whether or not these continue will determine if I get more drastic (cancelling cards, switching accounts, allowing only cash for groceries, etc.)
What do you mean specifically by "recently taken control" of the finances? You can probably direct all your income into a separate account, but not sure there's much you can do about her spending...if you cancel the cards she can always apply for another one, no? And being married you might be liable for her cards. You may want to consult with a L on this one, not to file for D but just to know your rights and protect yourself financially.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
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Hello Hoch

Originally Posted by Hoch
And something snapped inside - I went from outwardly kind and forgiving, to just done. … No reaction, no engagement, just done with their antics.

Originally Posted by Hoch
Im in new territory here. I don’t know how to string along and be mysterious without making her panic and capsize the boat, which she is liable to do. I think I need to assuage just enough of her fears that she doesn’t do something crazy, but not enough that she goes back to being in comfortable replay.

You gave a good response.

I liked the straightforwardness of it and that it is true. Never lie. A MLCer has a mind like Swiss cheese for most things but a steel trap of a memory for things you do wrong or the lies you say.

Which bring me to “how to string along…”. That doesn’t work for the long haul. She needs to go through her crisis. The entire thing. Or she will enter it again and it will be much worse the next time around.

Do not manipulate her path. We cannot know all ends and manipulating places us in a place of being responsible for her outcome - good or bad. Not a place you want to be in.

What you do want to do is like you did. “Something just snapped”. You become done with it.

You did not become mean or vindictive, just done. Just indifferent. Still kind. Still cared. Still standing. Standing more for you and less for her. And by the way, that’s a pretty good thing.

Her change of behaviour and perking up is because of your authenticity. You weren’t acting. You were just done.

To be clear, that isn’t done like moving on. It’s done like moving forward and she can catch up when/if she is ready to. You got a great life to live. She’s invited along, and welcome; but it’s up to her as to what she is actually going to do or when she chooses to join you. You keep doing you. Make those changes permanent.

In that way, it’s not stringing her along. And more importantly, it’s not stringing you along. You become you. A better version of you. And that is attractive and desirable and as you said something she can sense loosing.

Any idea why something just snapped? What your internal shift was? What triggered it?

To me, I’d say the loss of fear.

Fear is an insidious binding prison. Its tentacles snare us and hold us. Casting off those chains and letting go of one’s fear takes rational effort. An internal shift and a new way of thinking and believing. Which then influences a new way of feeling. A more fearless way. And that is a mighty dose of freedom.

We are all, both prisoner and jailer in our self made dungeons. The keys are within us. Once the doors are unlocked our light shines and the darkness gets pushed back.

Originally Posted by Hoch
I’m here now because I need advice. Upfront I’d like to ask for no 2x4s at the moment, just kind advice. I’m a little shaky and not ready for them yet.

I bet you weren’t feeling shaky when you were just done. Yes?

When we let go, we gain so much more.

It’s a pretty counterintuitive path. smile One which gains clarity as you travel.

Have a great day.

D


Now: Me54 XW50 S24 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
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DnJ -

I can’t say enough how sweet your response was. I probably read it 5 times yesterday, it brought me great comfort.

Largely what I appreciate is the emphasis on honesty, and the dangerousness of trying to keep up the guise of “leading someone one.” I’m a very honest person - right or wrong - and I can’t maintain a lie to save myself. Honest but distant, I think is my new stance.

Thank you again, and that goes for everyone.

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Good Morning Hoch

You are most welcome.

Originally Posted by Hoch
Honest but distant, I think is my new stance.

That’s a good stance. Why “but”?

Honest. Distance. These two ideas are not contradictory. Honest and distance works just fine.

I’m glad you appreciate the caution of trying to manipulate someone’s path.

Leading. Being a lighthouse. Is being a role model and shining an influencing example.

I see you moved from newcomers to MLC. Your last posts were leading nicely to detachment. And yes, a bit of a diagnosis towards MLC.

I’ve found MLC, or more accurately the belief or non-belief thereof, can be quite a heated discussion. For what it’s worth, I absolutely believe in MLC. And mid life transition. And many other emotional stresses and pressures that can lead to breakdowns and life altering decisions.

I’ve read your situation and I do believe your W is exhibiting traits and behaviours congruent with MLC. Confusion, depression, unrealized past trauma(s) - car accident at 17 resulting in the other driver’s death, ill relative (father if I recall correctly), and so on. She is exhibiting severe behavioural change and demonstrates much emotional decision making.

Crisis individuals are driven by their emotions. Completely consumed, beyond reason and rational thought. Almost everything they do is based upon their feelings. How they feel is why they do what they do. It is an irrational path. One that cannot be steered by rational discourse.

W needs to walk her path. Finish her entire crisis. And you were not invited. There is nothing you can do to make her journey quicker. However, there is plenty you can do to prolong it.

W will not accept any diagnosis of MLC or any other view that places her at fault or blame. Realize she cannot handle it. She is completely driven by pain and torment. She cannot handle being wrong or pressure. So she blames anyone who gets in her path. She needs to run and will mow down anyone who stands in her way.

Realize W’s emotions are cranked to eleven. She cannot handle her own emotions never mind your’s. In time, she might realize that she is still sad, upset, and angry AND Hoch hasn’t been involved. So, perhaps Hoch ain’t the cause. And then she might look inward towards the actual problem.

In the meantime, the LBS learns to back off, let’s go, and lives their life.

That is the basic path my friend.

Originally Posted by Hoch
I’m here now because I need advice.

Everything I will say to you will be the best I can be. And it will always be for you.

A great many things on one’s path are at first counterintuitive. Things will feel wrong and incorrect. And will until one realizes it is not. Have faith. Keep moving forward. And be patient.

Hoch, you have my attention. How can I help?

Originally Posted by Hoch
Our main issue is that she claims to be asexual, and “will never have sex again,” a card she plays whenever she’s cornered (about anything, esp financial irresponsibility. Ie, “me: you can’t spend like this anymore.” “Her: Well, I’m never having sex with you again, so this marriage can’t last!” Non-sequitur, distraction tactic. I don’t believe it’s real, plus I’ve found she’s been watching racy adult videos in her private time.

I understand you do not believe it’s real. However, W does “feel” it’s real!

Validation is needed.

Making something valid does not mean you agree or condone it. It just makes it valid. You are agreeing that their viewpoint is valid and real. Which it is. Everyone’s viewpoint is real for them.

I’ve a few items from reading your thread I’d like to bring up / discuss.

Originally Posted by Hoch
I’m definitely NOT ok being in a marriage with no intimacy. It breaks my heart. But with two small kids, a pandemic, and no financial savings, I honestly don’t know what other solution would be open to me.

Anything I can think of that would involve me pursuing a life with intimacy right now, seems like it would involve me not being in this house anymore and not putting my kids down to bed. Not having them come to me in the middle of the night when they’re scared. Which is the ONLY intimacy I have in my life right now. I feel like I’m sandwiched by two impossible situations.

I’m not ok with her disrespecting me, and I’m standing up for myself a day at a time. Right now she is being very cold because of it. I’ve even noticed lately, I had stopped wearing my wedding ring because I was so full of resentment. I reconsidered, decided if I was married I’d wear the ring regardless, and put it back on a few days ago. In reaction, she has taken hers off.

I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore.

“I feel like I’m sandwiched by two impossible situations.”

Feelings are fleeting. Do not make life altering decisions based upon them. (May want to read my threads if any of this resonates with you.)

Very few things are truly impossible.

Utilize clear language. Your mind is always listening. When you say something is impossible or you cannot do something, your mind will make it so. We craft our own realities.

“…I honestly don’t know what other solution would be open to me.”

You need not find a solution. Her path is (for the moment) irrational. Solutions come from rational thought. Resolutions bridge irrational and rational.

For the time being your resolution to this conundrum is to let her be, and be in a marriage with little to no intimacy.

You control only three things in this world. Your thoughts, actions, and reactions. Choose to be ok with this temporary lack of intimacy and you will be.

Resentment comes from unmet expectations. Keep your expectations at zero.

Hope is a desire for a positive outcome. Expectation is hope with a timeframe or deadline. And placing a deadline upon hope does just that - makes it dead.

Hope is timeless. It straddles desire and pragmatic, fantasy and reality. It is an incredible source of strength and can be an incredible trap when one does not realize the truth of hope.

Hoping and looking towards the future is really good. As long as one is still living the present. In fact, it makes the present and our decisions more meaningful.

By the way, hope, standing, and such - all for you. Stand for you. Hope for you. We all start out standing for our spouse and marriage. It’s the default. We are hurt and really cannot do otherwise. Eventually we heal enough to stand down. That is when standing really starts. It helps and is necessary to have a good handle on expectations and hope be then.

Originally Posted by Hoch
She is extremely unhappy. She hates me, and hates me specifically for our sex life. But like her mom before her, she won’t do anything to address her problems, except push everyone away and bury the problems.

It breaks my heart. All I can do is GAL, love my sons, and love her. I do love her unconditionally, for the first time. I don’t truly believe she is asexual, I think it’s a shield against intimacy and pain.

I love this beautiful, hurting girl.

Yes your W is hurting. Realize - hurt people, hurt people.

Her hatred is not the opposite of love. Hate is passionate. Indifference is the opposite of love.

W is projecting her pain, guilt, torment, and such upon you. How she feels has little to nothing to do with you. Seriously. It is from hidden long ago buried trauma(s) which she doesn’t even realize.

Things that are buried alive, always come back to haunt. She is being haunted by her past. One which she doesn’t even know or can at the moment acknowledge. A past pain so traumatic, from a time when she was so young, she could not face it. Could not accept it. So it was denied and buried. A perfectly normal response for one so emotionally immature.

Years later, a trigger occurs, which digs up these buried demons. And they will not be denied any longer! She still cannot face nor accept those demons, and she lashes out to those around her. For in her broken mind, you, the one who once brought such joy, must be the cause.

Her depression and behaviour is not about your sex life. It has nothing to do with it.

She is behaving like she witnessed and learnt growing up. She is behaving and ignoring and burying her problems and emotions, just like her Mom did. And failing at it.

MLCers were traumatized when emotionally immature and usually by someone in a position of authority. They become emotional stunted, needing to grow up from then. It’s just that they are doing it much later in life.

Absolutely she is unhappy. Thing is - You didn’t break her, you can’t fix her. Take that to heart Hoch. Believe it!

Unconditional love.

I have a different view from the wise posters who offered their views.

Unconditional love can exist between adults in a relationship. I do not subscribe that there are things one can do to make someone not love them. That would also imply there are things one can do to make one love them. An equally impossible thing. And given my views on impossible, I do not say that lightly.

There are things that one can do that would make one hate them. Absolutely! However, one can hate and love at the same time. Hate and love are both deep passionate expressions. And are not mutually exclusive.

Love is a choice. An action. A desire. It is an emotion. It is a thought. It is a belief. And it is beyond all that. Love is born and exists within our irrational realm. And it is born and exists within our rational self. Love permeates and fulfils. And it can become unconditional.

In fact, love is unconditional. If one loves conditionally, well that is their choice. A choice that limits love.

Love doesn’t turn on and off like a tap. Yes, one’s loving feelings rise and fall, like all emotions do. Yet, the respect, understanding, empathy, from love remain. Uncondionally remains.

The belief and direction of life and love remains regardless of others actions or words. Hurt, hate, and such are only temporary contrasted against love. Hate burns hot and eventual will burn out. Love is more an ember, flaring and calming as it cycles, yet it remains unquenchable.

This is not some starry-eyed infatuation type love. This is an enlightened type thing. A paradigm of the soul. Unconditional love leads to forgiveness.

That type of love only comes from within one’s self. There is nothing anyone else can do to create such a thing. Unconditional love towards others is an expression of one’s love of self. One’s respect of self. That, is extremely deep and quite unshakable.

I’ve found it’s quite rare. As is forgiveness. Society it seems, people it seems, struggle with it.

Love the sinner, forgive the sin.

That is completely for you. It sets one free.

Anyhow, just a few thoughts, beliefs, and convictions I figured I’d share.

Have a great day.

D


Now: Me54 XW50 S24 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

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Wow. All I can say again is… wow.

Thank you so much for those kind words. Your stance is very much the same as mine, as regards love- unconditional or other - and forgiveness. It’s funny, I feel like I’m really understanding it for the first time. Forgiveness of others, forgiveness of self, love of self and all, but still asking people to be accountable. Not out of justice or revenge, but out of that same love of self and others - when you have respect for the other person and yourself, you mustard that they be accountable for their actions. It’s the only way to respect both parties.

I’ve been reading lots and lots of HeartsBlessing - both her posts here, and her posts on her website. I keep coming back again and again to “turning your back on your MLC spouse.” I feel like that is what I’ve done.

I’m not sure if that was right. And that’s where I could use advice right now.

These last months, W has been turning around and become more talkative, more willing to look within, much friendlier. Doing nice things, making fun meals, prepping for the holidays. Still running behavior however, still putting in half effort with the kids and snapping at them. Still testing limits with wasting money or waking up late when my work day starts.

Until recently, I’d been holding myself in that perfect forgiveness state. Friendly and charming, all of the good DB lighthouse stuff. Quick to forgive, and staying positive.

However, her sleeping later and later and letting me take ALL of the kid stress and ALL of the work stress was the price for all that kind behavior from her. Getting sick and still getting no mercy was when it “snapped” (as mentioned before), and since then I’ve given… nothing. Flat. Not talkative, to her anyway. I think it was an emotional scab that popped up to protect me.

The thing is, it hasn’t gone away in the last month. Initially, there was a HUGE uptick in kind (almost… fawning?) behavior from her, but that hit a head at thanksgiving when she asked/demanded “why are you acting like I don’t exist? Are you seeing a lawyer?”

Since then, she’s been downright nasty. Shutting me down, quick negative stabs in conversation, stomping mad and fuming at all times.

My gut intuition is this: she is afraid she’s losing me - which is half right, her selfishness and disrespect finally overloaded my “charm in the face of all odds” stance. And since she’s afraid of that, she’s raising hell to try to drag our dance back to the middle ground where she could keep me comfortably at arms length. Deep down, I feel like this is working, and it’s also perfectly in keeping with what HeartsBlessing said would happen (when you turn your back, they will do anything in their power to get you to re engage, often becoming mean and lashing out).

But I guess where I’m torn is… is this the right move, or am I letting resentment creep in and ruining all my hard work? After all, before I shut down she was being quite nice, of distant. Now she seems like she’s liable to file or move out any minute. So much of DBing feels like being strong and keeping your hand in the fire, that I’m not sure if I should go back to re-engaging and being charming and letting her come to me but by bit. The only thing which stopped me from doing that was the rebellion - endangering my job and our finances, that’s what finally broke me.

I’m not even sure what I’m saying anymore. I’m tired. Good spirits, but tired.

In essence, me becoming distant worked great for a few weeks - until it exploded, and now W is acting openly hostile. Do I abandon this track - “abort, abort!” - and return to an earlier approach, or ride it out as a necessary change of the status quo? DBing feels a little like holding a pose for years, such that when it comes time to pivot even slightly it can feel like a very costly mistake.

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Good Morning Hoch

I am familiar with the site you are referencing. I’ve read it in its entry a few times, although that’s years ago now. A quick caution: I believe we are not to directly state other websites and such that offer similar information and/or help as divorcebusting does. That’s agreed upon in the user agreement, if I recall.

Almost everyone knows of this other site, and usually stating just that “another website” is really all the information one needs to impart. Credibility of whatever site you are reading comes from its contents not it’s name. There are many sites out on the net. Plenty have quite a different slant, almost mean, and some outright mean. Personally, I only post and read here now.

Originally Posted by Hoch
I’m really understanding it for the first time. Forgiveness of others, forgiveness of self, love of self and all, but still asking people to be accountable. Not out of justice or revenge, but out of that same love of self and others - when you have respect for the other person and yourself, you mustard that they be accountable for their actions. It’s the only way to respect both parties.

Excellent.

Interestingly, people usually do not like accountability when it is directed at them. Oh, they’ll hold others accountable all day long, but get mad and upset when it’s turned to them. Their idea of accountable is more blaming than from deeply held values.

The being a beacon, a lighthouse, holding yourself accountable and loving and forgiving. And shinning that outward. As you now know and feel, one cannot really do that when their own internal light is dim.

Turning your back, becoming indifferent, are normal steps along the path. This is a temporary state and reprieve from one’s spouse and their antics. Make the most of it!

There is a void created with such an indifference. Other feelings will loom larger than they really are contrasted against this void. This limbo is normal. You are not dragged around nor triggered by words or actions of your W; a great time to dig deep and discover your beliefs. Strengthen those that serve. Create one that you aspire to. And discard or alter one’s that are less than you would like or do not serve. And you’d be surprise at some of the things we incorrectly hold dear.

I agree your W turned up the charm to attempt to get you back under her thumb. With that no longer working she turned angry. Hoch, respect and accountability. Boundary disrespectful behaviour and keep moving forward.

Originally Posted by Hoch
The only thing which stopped me from doing that was the rebellion - endangering my job and our finances, that’s what finally broke me.

You must protect your finances and job. Her rebellious behaviour is not allowed if it directly threatens this. That is a boundary which sounds like you applied; perhaps unwittingly with becoming indifferent. Of course she isn’t happy with it. She’d being held accountable for her actions.

Boundaries are not punishment. They are actions you will take due to disrespectful behaviour from W. Actions you enact. Actions that are within your control. That loss of power is pretty upsetting to the other person.

Originally Posted by Hoch
In essence, me becoming distant worked great for a few weeks - until it exploded, and now W is acting openly hostile. Do I abandon this track - “abort, abort!” - and return to an earlier approach, or ride it out as a necessary change of the status quo? DBing feels a little like holding a pose for years, such that when it comes time to pivot even slightly it can feel like a very costly mistake.

This is a long view thing. Don’t fret over the short view.

DBing is for you. You save yourself first. If your marriage is saved that is a bonus.

Find yourself and your convictions. Re-organizing them accordingly. And live them!

W is watching. She saw how you become indifferent. She’s testing to see if it’s real. It your change is permanent. Or is it a ploy to win her back.

That’s a question for you as well.

Place your focus and efforts upon yourself. Not in a selfish way or to be vindictive or any such, just from a respectful, accountable, stance.

She is acting more like a roommate than a wife, treat her as such. Kindly. Friendly roommate. She can only change herself, and until she decides to…well you can only do what you can do.

Live and lead a good life. It encourages and influences. Her path is up to her.

That’s DB. You find the honourable and authentic path forward and walk it. Live and love life. She will catch up or she won’t. Be patient you got plenty of time, use it well.

D


Now: Me54 XW50 S24 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
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