Saving Pack through D, Pack_19 part V

[Pack_19]

hi DnJ,

Thanks a lot for your reply. I can see many of the points you raise, specially the importance of forgiving actions and not people, I never meant to imply any kind of moral superiority here. I was a very deficient man myself when DB came and I had made mistakes both in how I treated xW and how I treated myself.

The price of forgiveness is paid by the person who is forgiving, I mean it in the sense of accepting what has happened and not expecting any kind of compensation, retaliation, explanation... simply moving on with the certainty that those were things you were bound to experience and taking the learning from them. On that sense, I think forgiveness is a hard subject in that, as you very well say, it is a muscle we dont often train or exercise.

Regarding your point of forgiving the actions and separating them from the person, I am trying to. I just cannot find any action or attitude in xW inviting me to see her on a new light were I can just be kind to her. Maybe I need to be the bigger person here, I will think about it and work to make it happen.

Agree on the recovery side of this, I probably meant this is something that will come with us for years to come. You go through hell, touch the flames many times, and then use that pain to look inside and change/improve the things that were wrong in the first place. I would not change the man I have become for 20 chances to make my M work anew. That is how powerful the message in this board is.

Thanks a lot D, I will follow up with a post on something I wanted to share!

((hugs)) Pack

[Pack_19]

hi all,

I hope you are all great and continue to improve others' lives. There is something I wanted to share, to collect support and let go of frustration.

With our new divorce settlement I pushed for us to exchange custody Mondays at school. However, when I wanted to implement it, I talk to the school director and she told me they did not have lockers to hold S9 and S5 books. So I thought, I dont want to make them carry bags with clothes and books every Monday, it is fine if we continue to do it Sundays.

Few days ago I got an email from xW where she stated that we were going to start exchanging Mondays and there was no need to exchange clothes anymore. I had no uniforms for school, so I took a couple of days to reply and explain to her that I thought it was unnecessary to buy more clothes (after all, I end up paying for most of them and I am being 100% honest here) and had discussed it with school.

She proceeded to send me a mail that seemed to have been redacted by a lawyer. She said we were going to go down this path, as stated in our D settlement and she told me I was not putting kids first, I was asking them about her private life (meaning OMs I guess), I was avoiding communication with her and poisoning their minds to think they are a lower priority to her. Then she told me to stop this fight and move on.

I had to pull all my strength and rediscovered confidence to firstly dismiss any thoughts that she was right and I was indeed hurting my children and secondly to not reply and bite the bait for a fight. I wrote back and told her my concern was that I did not have uniforms but I would buy more and I told her all I cared about her life was her role as my children mother.

I no longer think about her life or getting her back, never ever have I intended our children to get in between and I honestly have all my focus on them being happy. S9 is really clever and perceptive, he is in between all of this and I dont know how I can do things better. I could be kind, but she is still going to throw these bombs at me whenever she wants, I refuse to show her something different than a new and strong man that knows his principles and has strong boundaries.

Yesterday we exchanged the kids after a visit, she made a comment about S5 clothes and I replied something dry because xW has lost 2 pairs of beach flip flops I bought this year for S5 (I said, ok then they are lost, I am sure I dont have them and I sent them to you during summer holidays) and said goodbye. 2 mins later she sent me a message telling me to not disrespect her in front of the kids. All I could think of was that poisoned email accusing me of all that BS. I guess I did not handle the situation well. BUt at least I have had the emotional stability to think what I want to write and do.

Today I purchased a bunch of uniform clothes for both S9 and S5. I refuse to give her the power to tumble the new self respect I have. I will have all I need for my children at home and be grateful we dont have to see each other every sunday.

On the rest of points. Pack and the kids are the centre of my life. After the crossfit competition I went to, I got so much motivation to improve that I have smashed all my PRs and my friends keep telling me how much I am improving. I am getting stronger and have abs showing out!! hahahahaha I have started building a business with a good friend based on all the cloud usage knowledge I have developed professionally and I am about to read The rationale male. I am still working on active listening and my R with the kids.

Oh and I recently met a woman who drives me crazy. She is only 27 and when I told her about the kids I think I made her freak out a bit. Things are going great in person, but she has asked me to slow down because she has a different emotional pace. I have fears that my personal situation might be too much, but I am working on thoughts that I am a seriously valuable man and I can be the most attractive person with all my life circumstances. Maybe you can offer me some guidance on how to meet someone younger and move things slowly when you have kids.

I have had a small step back, but on the positive side, it is much smaller and I didnt buy into the drama. I keep working, I keep improving, I keep saving Pack after D. Thank you all, I cannot wait to hear your opinions and suggestions.

[Card29]

To be clear, it’s not that we accept disrespectful behaviour, we just more shrug and move on. After all, we can only control ourselves. And with growth, detachment, understanding, empathy, compassion, and forgiveness; behaviours and words which once cut to the bone, no longer sting.

I'm in my second DB process. D#1 was 9 years ago, and I was lucky to find this message board. In hindsight, the most shocking thing was how little I cared when I eventually confirmed OM. I suspected it for the first few months. It was my biggest fear in life. Left by your W for OM. The insecurity that can drum up in a man is unreal. But months after BD, I had a light bulb moment. I'd cried and agonized enough. In one split second, I was suddenly over W. I never had a moment of hesitation to move on with my life at that point. A few weeks later, OM was confirmed to me. First by xW's best friend, then by xW. A confessional of sorts. It had the emotional impact of finding out she bought a new pair of shoes. I truly did not care. It was almost nice to confirm my suspicions.

Everyone has their own journey. Pack, maybe you will need to live with that boundary for a long time or forever. But don't give up on the idea of permanently forgiving it. I can't even give advice for how to get there, because I just did. You can't just "forgive" and be done with something that personally destructive. You have to truly feel it. But if you ever wrestle with the idea of fully forgiving, try to be pro-forgiveness for your own sake. It's an unbelievable weight off of your shoulders if you can truly let go.

Congrats on all of your progress. It sounds like your story is one for the DB history books, even with the story still being written.

Also, I, too, miss Sandi. She was there for me in 2014. I'm so glad much of her wisdom is pinned at the top of the board.