My Story P3...Acceptance of the MLC Madness

[Eagle3]

Update of the current situation, here we go.

H is still experiencing his awakening.
Seems to last already two weeks now.

It’s an annual tradition to always go on holiday this period with our best friends and the children. Everyone is really looking forward to this. We take long walks, enjoy good food and drinks, play board games, etc.
We just got back and really enjoyed it.
H was of course not there for 2 years in a row.

While we were there he called the kids again. He now openly talks to them about how he looks at them and shares his feelings, admits he was completely wrong, tells them how proud he is of them and of the people they have become etc. He even told S17 that he has a lot of remorse (first time he uses this word, normally it is always guilt!) for what he did to the family and that he completely destroyed everything.
He also said he missed being there with all of us.
S17 was very emotional after the call because he was so happy that his father finally opened up to him and also because he said he was proud of him. H never said this before.

There is clearly a change in him. He has a true awareness now. Behavior is very low profile, calm in his talking, polite and friendly. Drinking stopped completely.

I can't explain it but this is a very strange period. I didn't think this was possible anymore and that's why it's incredibly difficult to keep your cool now and just listen and validate and not ask too many questions.

He called this evening. Wanted to discuss some things with me.
He asked how the holiday was and if the children had talked about their phone call they had with him. I told honestly everything they told me. H told me it felt good to finally learn to be open with his kids. That he is in a learning process and if I could help him a bit with that. He also said that he was very aware now of the past years and again that he does not know how he will ever forgive himself for what he has done. He is also looking to temporarily rent something close to our current home so that the children can sleep with him when he is here. He also has permission from the bank to buy the house but he has to wait because he is still registered abroad, but if I already have a house in mind he will pay an advance to me.

I just keep going, I know that I can't deviate from my path now, and I will certainly succeed. But I can honestly say that I have a kind of hope again, hope that he is on his way back to being the old one and that there may be a new future for us together, although nothing seems to point in that direction. Why do I have this hope then?
He still talks as if the divorce is going through. I simply go with the flow now…

Eagle

[DnJ]

Hello Eagle

Lots of MLCers poke out of their tunnels during Christmas and other special holiday/family times. However, I think it’s a bit too early for upcoming Christmas to be swaying H as much as he is displaying. In my opinion, things have just gotten real for H.

Divorce, house purchasing, kids clearly stating their views, etc. H has finally felt the losses of all that he squandered - marriage, loving wife, loving sons, security, and so on.

H has said quite a bit, and his words are rather nice to hear. And he has even displayed some actions that support his words - calm behaviour, stopped drinking, calling the boys, etc. Hear the words, but listen to the actions. And only half of those. Consistent demonstrated behaviour. That’s the target.

H is making progress. No doubt about it. He may continue slowly along or he may backslide a bit. That’s near impossible to tell. Keep expectations really low. Hope is ok.

I can honestly say that I have a kind of hope again, hope that he is on his way back to being the old one and that there may be a new future for us together, although nothing seems to point in that direction. Why do I have this hope then?

You always had hope. It just was muffled for a while. It happens with indifference.

I didn't think this was possible anymore and that's why it's incredibly difficult to keep your cool now and just listen and validate and not ask too many questions.

It was always possible.

Now that you see it again, the possibilities expand and fill one up. Watch your expectations.

Now, more than ever before, do not ask too many questions!!!

You can clearly see the struggles he is grappling with. He talks about and shows remorse, a good step. He is still the timid scared squirrel. If/when he works his way through this emotional awakening, it will be 18-24 months before he is truly comfortable in his own skin.

Do keep your cool. Answers will come. Be patient. Let him lead the pace. He is mulling over a lot of stuff.

I just keep going, I know that I can't deviate from my path now, and I will certainly succeed.

Absolutely, you’ll succeed.

He still talks as if the divorce is going through. I simply go with the flow now…

It usually takes a real loss for one to make a real change.

Keep moving forward my friend. Do what is best for you.

If (when) consistent demonstrated good behaviour happens, you can always reassess then. H has two weeks so far. That is encouraging. Let’s see if he can add two more weeks, and then make it two months. After all, anything is possible.

D

[Eagle3]

Thank you DnJ for your consistent replying on my thread. You always seem to give me the advice I'm seeking for.

H is making progress. No doubt about it. He may continue slowly along or he may backslide a bit. That’s near impossible to tell. Keep expectations really low. Hope is ok.D

There is the backslide I guess. Consistent behavior for two weeks in a row but seems to lose it this weekend again. He is still friendly but his reactions are strange.

Although he knew the kids still had holiday he went abroad again last Wednesday, exactly on the day we came back from our holiday. He did not go to his home country but to the place where his new work challenge will be until next Wednesday. He doesn't have to be there during the weekend and it is very close to where we live, he could have stayed a few more days in the area for them but he didn't. It's like he is scared to face them. On Friday he is leaving again for his current home country so will only be here 1 day to spend the day with them.

Instead of being an actual dad he sent a message to say they could buy new (very expensive) sport shirts and he would pay for it.

He immediately transferred the money over to S17.

They of course accepted the gift but this is no positive education, this is buying them things out of guilt and even trying to buy their love, and I really don't like that. They also see through this but they are still children and who can blame them for accepting this gift.

Or do I need to see this as an improvement, an action of which he thinks is the right thing to do?

I’m simply afraid he will break their harts again. He told them he would become the dad he used to be in the past but I have serious doubts about it.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Eagle

Yes H’s actions and reactions are going to be strange. He’s got a lot of guilt and shame to find acceptance with.

Most people approach healing / acceptance as a lot of grief/guilt/fear/pain/hurt/loss/whatever to overcome. In fact, it’s the opposite, one doesn’t overcome such things. Acceptance is making friends with it. Making friends with what has happen, and with what one did.

That is a strange road to walk. To make friends with one’s past. The dark and less than noble past that one lived. It’s pretty easy to see that such a path requires forgiving of self. And that, forgiving, seems to be a tenet that is not widely held in society.

Acceptance is the individual’s journey. For us LBS, our acceptance is us accepting and forgiving our situation and our actions and our spouse’s actions. Of the two, forgiving of self is much more difficult than forgiving others. Therefore and likewise for acceptance.

All of that forgiveness and acceptance is internal to us. The, at first, biggest stumbling block, turns out to be the easiest - forgiving our spouse’s actions. This has nothing to do with them at all! It is completely internal. Completely for us. It is the LBS accepting and forgiving something within ourselves, while not actually condoning their spouse’s behaviour.

That, comes from what we can control. We can control self and nothing more. When we forgive others, we are actually forgiving our reactions to that person and not the person themselves. Love the sinner, forgive the sin. Funny stuff, this internal landscape.

With that step of forgiveness realized - the accepting of others is actually about us - we can turn to ourselves. And at that point, one finds they have already began forgiving themselves. And it becomes even more apt - Love the sinner, forgive the sin.

Acceptance and forgiveness are tied, and make a strange journey. Looking back one’s path is always clearly visible. However, at the time, the path forward is very hard to see. H is in difficult water and has much to come to terms with.

You are correct, Dad is scared to see his kids. They were open and honest. And that forced H to be a bit open and honest with himself. Realize it’s not the kids his scared of, it’s himself.

Of course, that is me, from a viewpoint and perspective of having made friends with fear. The internal journey and all. H has a little ways to go until he sees that.

His leaving early so not to see the boys is an understandable reaction. It shows the build up of pressure within him. This is a better release of that pressure than some other possibilities.

Or do I need to see this as an improvement, an action of which he thinks is the right thing to do?

Your wording is apt. H more thinks than feels that this is the right thing to do. He made a choice to go early. And likewise reached out with gifts to the boys.

As for improvement:

The hurt and emotionally unwell will make hurt and emotionally unhealthy choices. It’s along the spectrum of emotional unhealthy to healthy which one can gauge healing. H is making better choices than before it seems.

For all of us, healing comes in small steps. Wee increments of betterment. Until one day we realize where we are. Happy, whole, and healthy.

H made a better choice. Not a great choice. A better choice.

Choice is better than being driven to. Even poor choice is better.

The most arduous journey is traversed in small steps.

Do you need to see this as improvement? From my perspective, yes. And remember, everything is for you and your welfare. So, yes.

I’m simply afraid he will break their hearts again. He told them he would become the dad he used to be in the past but I have serious doubts about it.

It’s reasonable to have doubts. In fact, let me dissuade those doubts. H will never become the Dad he used to be. He cannot. However, he can be better.

H can never be who he once was. He has done things which before did not exist. Therefore he can not go back.

This is the same for for any of us. We all have knowledge and experiences of events. We become different. Hopefully, better.

H’s wanting to be Dad again is hopeful. He will be a different Dad. He will not be the same. He will be a dismal shadow or he will become someone better. He will be defined and become based upon his choices.

You have the opportunity to pass on such wisdom to your boys. To explain such internal workings of emotion, irrational, forgiveness, and acceptance. To provide rational understanding to some of life’s most irrational and poorly understood or faced facets. To influence growth along the path of light.

Instead of being an actual dad he sent a message to say they could buy new (very expensive) sport shirts and he would pay for it.

He immediately transferred the money over to S17.

They of course accepted the gift but this is no positive education, this is buying them things out of guilt and even trying to buy their love, and I really don't like that. They also see through this but they are still children and who can blame them for accepting this gift.

You can make this a positive education. Anything in life can be positive education and growth.

It’s ok to accept the gift. It’s ok not to accept as well. How one reacts speaks to their internal perspective.

If there are strings attached to this money for sports shirts your boys will find out soon enough. Dad cannot buy their love. If he tries, that speaks to his internal perspective.

All of this is valuable understanding your boys can gain, and a step towards forgiveness / acceptance.

Start with letting go of “instead of being an actual Dad he sent a message…”, and use “He sent a message…”. H is their actual Dad. True, not the Dad they or you want. Or the one he should be. However, what can one control? Thoughts, actions, and reactions. And from that, one’s influence flows. If H/Dad is attempting to be better and make choices, he is open to influences. Live good, and let H/Dad choose his path.

That’s the general path and life I’ve advised and the influence I’ve passed on to my kids.

Have the boys send Dad a picture of them all wearing their new shirts. For unlike my XW, he is somewhat actively working towards being in their lives.

D

[Kind18]

Hi Eagle!

I’ve just read this topic from start to finish.

DNJ and other have given you some wonderful advice.

I’m excited that you’ve had the strength and conviction to end this marriage.

You talk about your husband’s small awakenings… but what I see through this thread is your slow awakening - to his manipulation, his selfishness, his mental health problems.

One thing I’ve noticed, is that although you seem to be committed to the cause of seeing this through, you do routinely seem to be buoyed when husband peeks out of the tunnel. It makes me wonder if deep down, you see this divorce as pushing him to a place where he admits it’s all his fault… and then you get back together.

Don’t get me wrong, you hear of stories like that from time to time. But it is exceedingly rare.

I think you should work on this. As you walk through this journey, you need to get to a place where the indifference is much stronger. Where your husband’s reactions or peeks out of the tunnel are unimportant, amusing or where you don’t even realise they are occurring because you’re so detached.

I think you’re doing a fine job walking the line between protecting yourself, but still allowing your husband to have a relationship with his kids into the future.

Yesterday, after his call, I sent a message to thank him for his openness, that I know this must not have been easy for him to do.

His reply was, isn't this the least I can do? Then 4 hours later the following message,

"I have to get through and I don't have a choice but to look into the eye of the storm."

I didn't sent a response anymore since I don't really understand what he meant with that, so I left it as it is.

I wouldn’t go initiating messages thanking him for anything. These conversations are him trying to feel less guilt about what he has done. That’s just not really your problem to solve. You can feel sorry for him and his regret/guilt, but it’s not your job any more to comfort him or praise him. I know this is hard, because as LBS we still feel strong urges to protect our spouse, but his grief is now his problem to deal with.

Your posts are largely focussed on your divorce, your husbands behaviour, what he may or may not be thinking and how he is reacting to conversations/messages/letters etc.

What about you? Part of healing is learning to focus on yourself. Spend less time everyday focussed on the crazy reactions and behaviour, and more time each day on yourself. How are you keeping busy? Do you have some hobbies? Are you keeping fit and eating well? Research has shown time and time again the best thing you can do for your own mental health is regular exercise.

We want to hear more about Eagle, and less about a crazy MLC’er.

[Eagle3]

Thank you for your wise words DnJ.

You have the opportunity to pass on such wisdom to your boys. To explain such internal workings of emotion, irrational, forgiveness, and acceptance. To provide rational understanding to some of life’s most irrational and poorly understood or faced facets. To influence growth along the path of light.
That’s the general path and life I’ve advised and the influence I’ve passed on to my kids.D

And you did well. Although I don't always succeed yet I'm trying to give this wisdom to my children as well.

I’ve just read this topic from start to finish.

Dear Kind18,

Thank you very much for answering my thread. I can imagine if you read my story from start to finish you can clearly see through certain things, I won't anymore unfortunately since I'm playing the leading role

Much of your feedback is in a certain way correct, although let me explain some things in detail.

You talk about your husband’s small awakenings… but what I see through this thread is your slow awakening - to his manipulation, his selfishness, his mental health problems.

Yes, I have had several awakenings although it is a slow process.

One thing I’ve noticed, is that although you seem to be committed to the cause of seeing this through, you do routinely seem to be buoyed when husband peeks out of the tunnel. It makes me wonder if deep down, you see this divorce as pushing him to a place where he admits it’s all his fault… and then you get back together.
Don’t get me wrong, you hear of stories like that from time to time. But it is exceedingly rare.

I think you should work on this. As you walk through this journey, you need to get to a place where the indifference is much stronger. Where your husband’s reactions or peeks out of the tunnel are unimportant, amusing or where you don’t even realise they are occurring because you’re so detached.

I agree with you on this in a lot of ways. I'm well detached, I'm living my life, I think of him quite often but not that it has a huge influence on my current life, but I can't seem to get to the point where I'm indifferent towards his actions or behavior. I guess the biggest reason for that is because he has been a clinging boomerang for 2 years, and the last 6 months more of a boomerang.

Can you actually get to a place of indifference if you still have hope for reconcilliation, to my honest opinion I do not believe this is possible.

I do believe my current marriage is over, therefore I'm pushing through with divorce now. For a long time I wanted to but I didn't have the strength yet, and therefore I failed each time. This is not the case anymore.

I think you’re doing a fine job walking the line between protecting yourself, but still allowing your husband to have a relationship with his kids into the future.

This has always been my main goal.

Your posts are largely focussed on your divorce, your husbands behaviour, what he may or may not be thinking and how he is reacting to conversations/messages/letters etc.

What about you? Part of healing is learning to focus on yourself. Spend less time everyday focussed on the crazy reactions and behaviour, and more time each day on yourself. How are you keeping busy? Do you have some hobbies? Are you keeping fit and eating well? Research has shown time and time again the best thing you can do for your own mental health is regular exercise.

We want to hear more about Eagle, and less about a crazy MLC’er.

I had to laugh with this part but very kind of you to ask. I knew there would be a time somebody would ask me this.

I don't tell much about myself on this forum. This is not because I'm not looking after myself, but I really use this forum to help me and give me advice about the difficulties I'm facing with MLC in general but also simply to vent.
I have very close relatives and good good friends who have been aware of the story since the beginning. They can't help me with that (that's why I come here) but they do care about my wellbeing and always took care of me in the worst of times. Those times are over luckily.

But since you were so kind to ask I definitely owe you an answer :):

- Since I have 3 teenagers on a full time basis much time is spent with them and I love it. I have a great connection with all 3 of them. Many of my friends admire the way of how we interact with each other.

- I work out 3 times/week (power and HIIT trainings) since about a year now and once a week I go for a long walk with one of my friends.

- Once or twice a weekend I invite family or friends or I'm invited somewhere.

- Sleeping and eating was terrible the first year, the 2nd year this was completely gone. I don't have any problems anymore with either of them. Back to the way it was before BD (sleep is even better now)

- I have a great job whereby I can fully explore my qualities and I meet a lot of people.

- I'm planning to obtain an additional diploma as from next year, when the D is final and I'm settled in my new home.

- I love travelling so this is something I continue to do so, most of the times with my children, but sometimes also some me-time for a few days.

Therefore Kind18, I'm definitely there to live my life without him, I have done this for the past 30 months now but the indifference isn't coming as yet. Will it ever? I honestly don't know.

[Eagle3]

Wanted to add something more:

I think you should work on this. As you walk through this journey, you need to get to a place where the indifference is much stronger. Where your husband’s reactions or peeks out of the tunnel are unimportant, amusing or where you don’t even realise they are occurring because you’re so detached.

If you or anybody else can give me some advice on how to reach this stage, please do so. Definitely the part where you mention the word amusing intrigues me. It must be wonderful to get to this point.

[DnJ]

Hello Eagle

I think you should work on this. As you walk through this journey, you need to get to a place where the indifference is much stronger. Where your husband’s reactions or peeks out of the tunnel are unimportant, amusing or where you don’t even realise they are occurring because you’re so detached.

If you or anybody else can give me some advice on how to reach this stage, please do so. Definitely the part where you mention the word amusing intrigues me. It must be wonderful to get to this point.

I'm well detached, I'm living my life, I think of him quite often but not that it has a huge influence on my current life, but I can't seem to get to the point where I'm indifferent towards his actions or behavior. I guess the biggest reason for that is because he has been a clinging boomerang for 2 years, and the last 6 months more of a boomerang.

Can you actually get to a place of indifference if you still have hope for reconcilliation, to my honest opinion I do not believe this is possible.

In my view detachment and indifference are two separate items. They are closely entangled, with one requiring to first find some detachment to then find some indifference.

To be clear, detachment is when our emotional response is no longer dragged around by our spouse’s behaviour, actions, or words. Indifference is when our emotions do not stir or rise from inputs regarding our spouse.

True absolute indifference is the opposite of love. Lots of folks think that hate is the opposite, however hate and love both require strong emotional connection. Indifference comes from the absence of emotional connection.

This loss or lessening of that connection happens as we find and obtain detachment. Indifference can also be influenced and strengthened by our thoughts and actions. Focusing on ourselves, activities that place us in different settings, and such, all reinforce different thoughts and thus influence our emotional self. As you can see, as one gains more indifference they become more detached as well, each influencing the other.

In this way of thinking, it follows that it is possible that one can be completely detached and yet not be completely indifferent. However, the opposite of being completely indifferent and still attached cannot happen.

From my experience, I’ve found that indifference does unwind a bit after a while. Personally, I believe this is an excellent sign of healing and being emotionally healthy. As we find detachment we become quite indifferent to our spouse. This is new territory for us, and the absence of feelings is quite a startling void. This is wildly new and such a relief. Of course, like all feelings, this absence of feeling is fleeting and will change. Lol.

Is it that indifference unwinds or was it not as complete as we first felt it to be? There is truth in both views. I do believe we over estimate how indifference feels, like the rush from a roller coaster that first ride. Subsequent rides are still thrilling, but not quite the same as being brand new. The same for that void. Our indifference is not quite as profound as the days accumulate.

The other side, the unwinding, is the more important aspect. This happens as our absent good/loving feelings return - without the pain and heartache. Indifference unwinds and detachment remains.

To be completely indifferent towards something or someone is the purest form of apathy. A complete and absolute null within one’s life. That level of lacking emotional response towards a previous spouse or person you’ve know is unhealthy.

My W had such an indifference towards me as she was dropping the bomb. She barely even hated me! Oh my, I so wanted her to feel something towards me. Hate I could work with. Indifference has nothing to work with. The complete absence of emotions towards a person. All emotions, good or bad, absent. I was nothing to her. This is a pretty common thing with far gone MLCers.

The indifference for a LBS is not as absolute. Our’s is a more normal and healthy response to processing our grief. Remember, we first become detached, then indifferent. It during this temporary indifference that we have a wonderful opportunity to delve within ourselves, clear of the noise and commotion of our wayward spouse and their antics.

As we heal, we let go our indifference. It is again, normal and healthy. One’s spouse was someone we deeply felt for, cared about, and loved. It would be quite unreasonable to believe that one would just become totally unfeeling about them. And as we move through our grief we unwind indifference a bit and those good/loving feelings do return. Or more accurately, can return. Some people do actively work against this unwinding. That being said, we can/do find a level of indifference. Above completely null and still far from being attached and dragged around.

A few interesting discoveries are at this juncture of being indifferent and not. Caring and compassion requires a level of indifference. One cannot be truly compassionate without some indifference; again not completely for that would make one not compassionate at all. Empathy also requires a certain grasp and ability to wield indifference.

I use the term wield, for indifference can become part of one’s self. It is controllable or influenceable. Seeing detachment and indifference separate and clearly, one can learn to bring it forth or let it go as needed. In essence, to turn indifference on and off at will. Myself, I can within seconds, become indifferent or lower it down as I wish.

It is this place that in my opinion is the wonderful place you seek or should want to seek.

Yes, I can find my XW’s actions amusing, and/or unimportant, and/or have them go unnoticed. All three (and more) exist and can be recalled as I wish to. Her behaviour and words, and the memory of her behaviours and words, is simultaneously viewed in multiple lens without pain or being dragged around.

You know I’ve got a pretty good grip on the emotional side of things. Which is anchored within the intellectual side of things. Which is of course both anchored within my beliefs and values. I see things factually. See XW factually. Her life, her choices. I can see the pain, humour, torment, loss, gain, reason, irrationality, guilt, sin, self-hate, regret, and so on in her choices and life. And I can look away. And I can see possibilities, and yes even see hope for her. And sadly see hopelessness as well.

Indifference is very much needed to first get here, and that bit of unwinding is very much needed to get retain that which we discover and then to go further. Indifference, and especially the unwinding it does, is such a blessing.

In answer to your query: I have hope and I am quite indifferent. It’s just a different kind of indifferent.

D

[Kind18]

If you or anybody else can give me some advice on how to reach this stage, please do so. Definitely the part where you mention the word amusing intrigues me. It must be wonderful to get to this point.

I’ve tried to write to you about this, but I’m finding it difficult to come up with the the words which might make a meaningful and helpful post.

Perhaps some of the veterans could explain this more eloquently? DNJ has certainly given a great perspective above.

The one thing I will say, is that while I made baby steps and steady progress towards detachment purely as a function of time, I think the major shift for me was when it dawned that my long term future was brighter without my ex in it. And I have her to thank for that… she did a great job with some really sh*tty behaviours in a short amount of time, and so what I was pining for suddenly became less attractive than starting again - and voila!

Time heals all wounds. Write a list of all the bad things about staying together and navigating a reconciliation, and all the good things about starting again. While that’s not really the point of a divorce busting, it will allow you to let go of some things, and by extension, shift your mindset towards indifference.

Only once the rope has been completely dropped by you, will the WS/MLCer lose all their power over you.

[Eagle3]

I use the term wield, for indifference can become part of one’s self. It is controllable or influenceable. Seeing detachment and indifference separate and clearly, one can learn to bring it forth or let it go as needed. In essence, to turn indifference on and off at will. Myself, I can within seconds, become indifferent or lower it down as I wish.
It is this place that in my opinion is the wonderful place you seek or should want to seek.
Yes, I can find my XW’s actions amusing, and/or unimportant, and/or have them go unnoticed. All three (and more) exist and can be recalled as I wish to. Her behaviour and words, and the memory of her behaviours and words, is simultaneously viewed in multiple lens without pain or being dragged around.
You know I’ve got a pretty good grip on the emotional side of things. Which is anchored within the intellectual side of things. Which is of course both anchored within my beliefs and values. I see things factually. See XW factually. Her life, her choices. I can see the pain, humour, torment, loss, gain, reason, irrationality, guilt, sin, self-hate, regret, and so on in her choices and life. And I can look away. And I can see possibilities, and yes even see hope for her. And sadly see hopelessness as well.
Indifference is very much needed to first get here, and that bit of unwinding is very much needed to get retain that which we discover and then to go further. Indifference, and especially the unwinding it does, is such a blessing.
In answer to your query: I have hope and I am quite indifferent. It’s just a different kind of indifferent. :)D

I have been thinking a lot about this topic the last days. On most of his actions I have found a certain balance, I can control my feelings and most moments I can look or think about him and say, OMG, how far gone are you, and don't feel pain or anything.
There is only one thing though whereby I loose it and that is when I start focusing on OW2.
Why, because I absolutely don't have a clue what kind of R they are having and this is making me nervous/anxious at times. I know, it is out of my control, it is a sympton of MLC etc. but that doesn't seem to help. Must be my difficult point to overcome.
Therefore I have searched for a therapist who is specialized in letting go, to help me how to finally drop the rope as you all state it so nicely. (not my native language so I hope I understand the definition well of dropping the rope)
I know I only need a small push, nothing more. (Simply overcoming the fear/anxiousness when thinking of the OW's...)
My first appointment is next week.

My understanding op "dropping the rope": To finally let them go, to not get dragged anymore into their drama = equals full detachment in my opnion? Please correct me if I'm wrong?

Furthermore, H is still making progress on his path of awakening.

He was about 1 month in the area (not always in home country but very near) and since the talk with the kids there has been some huge changes, not only in his behavior, but also in his words and actions.

As you suggested DnJ, I forwarded a picture of all 3 with their new shirt, he was really happy with that.

He was back in our hometown on Wednesday and asked if he could do his laundry at our home. I agreed. We had a nice afternoon and watched a program on television. His idea and it was actually quite funny...
It was about a famous man's live story (who just had been through a depression and a burn-out after his adultory came out and his wife divorced him but now they are back together)

He agreed to go and watch the football game of S17 in the evening, together with the Twins14. Afterwards he dropped them off and as promised he hadn't had a single drink.
I sent him a message stating that it was a very good action of him to keep his agreement with them.
He replied that he will now do as he promised, that this was the least he could do towards them.
I replied: there is a nice sentence in this regard, being "actions speak louder than words". He agreed with me.

The next day he had planned some nice activities with them.
H first stayed for dinner, and then left with them. When they came home in the evening they were very happy. They had really a great afternoon and told me they hadn't seen him like this in years.

When they got back he hugged me and said thank you for everything you are doing for me.

A little later I sent as small message stating that the kids had a lovely time with him.

He left this morning for the final time to the country where he currently lives and works until the end of the year. Then he is finally coming back. This is also the country where OW2 (or whatever she might be for him) lives. Don't know how this will go in the future but this is on my mind as he doesn't say a word about this to me.

He came early this morning (I was away for work) with breakfast for the kids and to say goodbye to them.

He called me while he was on his way to them. He stayed at his Stepdad's house and apparantely they talked until 4:00 O'clock in the morning. He told me so many things. He was so glad he finally managed to open up to people about what he was going though the past years. He mentioned wake-up call, wanting to become a better person than who he was before, about the fact he is aware he is an alcolholic since several years and that this was running behavior but that he will follow a diet now to stop this drinking. I had a difficult moment on the phone, a bit overwhelmed to hear all these things and he heard, he was very quiet, didn't really know how to react.

After the call I told him sorry for my difficult moment, you know I'm a quite sensitive person...

He replied that this is the least since all what is going on, that I must not hide my feelings, nor will he as otherwise nothing will ever be the same between us.

Yet again nothing about the marriage, nor about the divorce, I don't mention anything either.
The signing of the paperwork is now planned on the 14th of december, If asked the notary to do this digitally if possible since he is not in the country, no answer yet but will most likely be possible.

When he is back the end of december to live here again he will first rent a furnitured appartment for a few months.

I can stay in the house until I have found something new. I'm actively looking now.

When the divorce is arranged, he will buy-in the house, and I will move out with the kids.

TBC...