"I only kissed him". Which deep down I'm starting to disbelieve.
Originally Posted by JosephS
If she admitted she kissed him, she went further. Prepare yourself mentally and emotionally. Don’t ever believe what they say, believe what they do.
There is a 99% chance they did more than kiss. She's almost certainly still lying. Sorry man. You should pack up anything of hers she hasn't already taken and leave it on the porch for her. Having her stop in little by little isn't going to help your emotional state nor will it promote a recon, plus taking action will make you feel stronger.
Originally Posted by Galaga
Son 19 was here when she picked up stuff today and asked her if I knew she was here .....if not she wasn't allowed in.
What do S19 and S21 think about the situation? They're living with you. Are they "team dad", or trying to stay neutral?
Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Galaga
I used to drink a fair bit and over the last 4-5 years started drinking more and would be angry (never violent) and never seemed happy.
Why were you drinking more? Why were you unhappy? Were you frustrated about job, friends...your marriage? You should probably think hard on this one. Don't know if it's the case here, but often times the LBS spouse is often frustrated with their marriage but that gets lost in the fear and sense of loss after BD. Is it possible you weren't happy either and were acting out because of it? Something to ponder and reflect on as you work on becoming a better man for the future.
Have you given any more thought to this?
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Son 19 was here when she picked up stuff today and asked her if I knew she was here .....if not she wasn't allowed in.
"But it's my house too" she responded. She didn't take too kindly to being told no it isn't.
G legally it is her house and unless you are being advised by a lawyer you and your son should not prevent her from entering the house.
There is nothing you can do right now to end the affair or get your wife back.
How does that feel? Crappy right? Used to fixing things? Used to finding a way? Familiar with the feeling that if you work hard enough, anything is possible? None of that applies now, there is nothing you can do. You need to surrender to that, grieve it and find peace with it. Fighting against it sets you up as their adversary, pushes them together and you away. If you continue to actively try to disrupt the affair and get your wife back, you will only dig your hole deeper and deeper, and that will be a debt that will take you a long time to recover from.
There is nothing you can do right now to end the affair or get your wife back.
How does that feel? Crappy right? Used to fixing things? Used to finding a way? Familiar with the feeling that if you work hard enough, anything is possible? None of that applies now, there is nothing you can do. You need to surrender to that, grieve it and find peace with it. Fighting against it sets you up as their adversary, pushes them together and you away. If you continue to actively try to disrupt the affair and get your wife back, you will only dig your hole deeper and deeper, and that will be a debt that will take you a long time to recover from.
There are things you can control and things you can not. Focus on the things you can control. You and your behavior and the way you interact with her are under your control. Changing the way you interact is part of this process. How hard is it to change your own behavior? Most find it a challenge and can do it with focus and determination. Now think how hard it is to change someone else's. Almost impossible. One of my frustrations with posters is getting them to change. I can't make you change. You have to have a deep desire to change and have faith that what we recommend is better than staying the same.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
There is a 99% chance they did more than kiss. She's almost certainly still lying. Sorry man. You should pack up anything of hers she hasn't already taken and leave it on the porch for her. Having her stop in little by little isn't going to help your emotional state nor will it promote a recon, plus taking action will make you feel stronger.
That part is what is eating at me. I thought I knew her but now doubt is creeping in as to how far it really went.
Originally Posted by BL42
What do S19 and S21 think about the situation? They're living with you. Are they "team dad", or trying to stay neutral?
Both boys say they are on team dad. We are living with you and don't agree with what she has done. But s19 is struggling from depression and dealing with new baby. So he relies on her to look after baby when I can't.
Originally Posted by BL42
Why were you drinking more? Why were you unhappy? Were you frustrated about job, friends...your marriage? You should probably think hard on this one. Don't know if it's the case here, but often times the LBS spouse is often frustrated with their marriage but that gets lost in the fear and sense of loss after BD. Is it possible you weren't happy either and were acting out because of it? Something to ponder and reflect on as you work on becoming a better man for the future. Have you given any more thought to this?
I had a turbulent childhood. Not that I'm using it as an excuse but drank to numb or dull the memories. My sister was sexually assaulted by one of mums boyfriends. My grandmother molested me at age 4 or 5. My father used to beat my mother in front of me when I was younger. My father attempted to commit suicide and I saved him. He was not breathing and had no heart beat for 15 minutes. Always felt that my sister could do no wrong in my parents eyes and I was a failure.
When I became suspicious of the affair and with her denial I drank more to numb the pain.
I have since gone to a counsellor and am dealing with my drinking and coping strategies.
She said she broke down and cried due to her stuff being on being outside on the verandah. Made mention that "we" ...the boys and me need to realise that it was not AP that broke up the family, that it was her. That she still loves me but couldn't continue the way it was. Not sure if that meant the drinking or the 2 months of anger and arguments post her getting caught in the affair.
In the meantime I have been out a few times and let my sons fend for themselves.
I have not contacted her other than when she sent me a text saying "sorry I didn't realise it was you I passed in the car this morning. Have a nice day". I did respond with "thanks, you too". Probably wrong as it was a meaningless interaction.
So tonight she messages to say her mum who has early dementia is going in for a scan tomorrow and they'd like to see me. Really? Like i want to keep in contact with her parents. I told her "Thanks for telling me and I've informed the boys" I did go and see her mum. She asked "was mum happy to see you?".
Not responding to that. If the AP is so important share the news with him not the husband you dumped after 22 years
So tonight she messages to say her mum who has early dementia is going in for a scan tomorrow and they'd like to see me. Really? Like i want to keep in contact with her parents. I told her "Thanks for telling me and I've informed the boys" I did go and see her mum. She asked "was mum happy to see you?".
Not responding to that. If the AP is so important share the news with him not the husband you dumped after 22 years
Edit and double post sorry. and then she says "Please keep going to see my mum"
Why would I?
Last edited by Galaga; 11/17/2110:46 AM. Reason: Double post
Where you close to her parents? That maybe why she’s sharing the news. Personally I loved my MIL and if she was still alive I would have loved to see her. But I understand not wanting a relationship either as I don’t talk to any of my former in-laws.
Does her mom know what is going on? That could be some of it too. Keeping familiar people around may help her not be so confused and it may help her mood.
She may or may not have shared it with the AP. It’s not something to get hung up on. Depending on how close she was to her mom she maybe telling the cashier at the grocery store if it’s thrown her through enough of a loop.
As far as her taking the blame for the end of the marriage, I personally would take it one of two ways. She’s either hoping her kids love her enough to get over this and in time they’ll give her new partner a chance (My guess is they’ll get over this like 99% of kids do) or she’s saying the marriage had been over and she’s the only one who knew. You’d be surprised how often people stay in relationships that are over to make sure they are emotionally or financially secure for what’s to come.
Last edited by JosephS; 11/17/2112:08 PM.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Where you close to her parents? That maybe why she’s sharing the news. Personally I loved my MIL and if she was still alive I would have loved to see her. But I understand not wanting a relationship either as I don’t talk to any of my former in-laws.
Does her mom know what is going on? That could be some of it too. Keeping familiar people around may help her not be so confused and it may help her mood.
She may or may not have shared it with the AP. It’s not something to get hung up on. Depending on how close she was to her mom she maybe telling the cashier at the grocery store if it’s thrown her through enough of a loop.
As far as her taking the blame for the end of the marriage, I personally would take it one of two ways. She’s either hoping her kids love her enough to get over this and in time they’ll give her new partner a chance (My guess is they’ll get over this like 99% of kids do) or she’s saying the marriage had been over and she’s the only one who knew. You’d be surprised how often people stay in relationships that are over to make sure they are emotionally or financially secure for what’s to come.
Reasonably close to her parents, but think it's more about her than my relationship with them. And yes her mum knows what is going on.
Don't know if the AP is still on the scene and she would lie about it anyway as she has lied about other stuff.
Her reasons for leaving change constantly and sometimes accepts responsibility and others places blame on me. Whatever suits her narrative at the time. Will not discuss next steps or talk financials, still living in a hazy world where nothing is getting dealt with.
