I’m going to give you some advice if it comes to separation. Do your due diligence to find out if there is an affair. If there is do not do the “nesting” arrangement where you go back and forth to an apartment. Thats a cake eaters dream scenario.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
1) Don't nest ("rotate the family home"). I know people who have. It's a horrible arrangement for the left-behind spouse. Find your backbone and say no before it's too late.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Do not agree to a nesting arrangement.
Let me add my voice to the choir. Do not rotate the home. Your kids are young...are you going to do that for the next decade and a half? No, of course not. You're probably going along with it because you hope it'll be your way to hang on and in a few months she'll see the error of her ways and move back. Sorry to say this because it [censored] to hear, but more likely is she'll hook up with her coworker in the EA or start dating someone else and it'll be rough for you. Be strong up front. If she wants to break up the marriage and the family make her fully commit to the path and bare the brunt of it.
Ok, so I see this is a really bad idea, can I have examples of how it’s a really bad idea? What happens exactly? I can understand that it makes an affair so much easier to accomplish. But it would also give me the freedom to get my life back at the same time wouldn’t it? If she refuses to leave the house, and I also stay, it’d be an incredibly toxic environment. So the only way around it would be to go see lawyers and have it split legally. This would place a massive financial burden before we have a chance to prepare properly while also reducing the quality of living on everyone, especially the children, wouldn’t it? What don’t I see?
Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by costanza
She promises there is no one else, and she's always been so brutally honest that I believe her.
Originally Posted by costanza
Did some ground work and found there was an EA with a colleague after her D-bomb, (so it's not cheating technically) it lasted a couple weeks, flirting via chat, but it didn't get physical, they ended it before it started up cause it was getting complicated. Obviously door is still open for a weak or drunken moment.
So now you've confirmed at least an EA, which didn't seem possible before. Hate to say it, but there's likely more. How did you verify? Did you confront her about it? How do you know it didn't become physical or that it's over?
She left her computer unlocked so I helped myself. Didn’t take long to find a chat with a work colleague. Saw the whole thing about, needing to be careful about crossing the line, the guy also has a GF, they decided to end it at least for now. I don’t believe it’s permanently over, sounds like they were really into each other.
During my wife's first EA in 2005, I installed spy software on our PC and caught their IMs to each other. I had inquired about this guy listed in her AOLIMs contacts. So after they had a pretty suggestive exchange my wife excused herself to go make our daughter lunch. She told him I had asked about him and suggested some evening they have a completely harmless IM discussion so she could show me there was nothing to worry about. Of course I ended up confronting her that night because little did she know I was seeing everything.
The point? When a LBS talks about finding the electronics unattended and unlocked it makes me question if the WAS set it up that way so you would find it and find the innocent discussion..... To get you to drop your guard. I find unattended and unlocked electronics too convenient. Especially knowing how guarded WASs tend to be with that stuff.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I just got a fwd email from W concerning the divorce counselling or MC. We'll have an appointment in the next 24-48 hours. I'm pretty sure its divorce counselling. Not sure how to approach this. Since she's already out there dating, and not being honest about it. Is there even a point to attending this together? I just don't see the point.
I'm leaning towards writing exactly that. But at the same time I understand I need to stop arguing, validate, and actively listen. What's the next step in this case?
I would ask her what she is looking to get out of this counseling.
I just got a fwd email from W concerning the divorce counselling or MC. We'll have an appointment in the next 24-48 hours. I'm pretty sure its divorce counselling. Not sure how to approach this. Since she's already out there dating, and not being honest about it. Is there even a point to attending this together? I just don't see the point.
I'm leaning towards writing exactly that. But at the same time I understand I need to stop arguing, validate, and actively listen. What's the next step in this case?
"I've decided that couples counseling at this point would be a waste of time. I'm committed to individual counseling for myself."
Simple. Short. To the point.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
But it would also give me the freedom to get my life back at the same time wouldn’t it?
Stop waiting to live your life, and go live your life (GAL). Report back on what you chose to do!
Originally Posted by constanzas
If she refuses to leave the house, and I also stay, it’d be an incredibly toxic environment.
”Refuses”—still??—costanza, your attempts to control her have failed. STOP! DB in the nutshell—take ownership of yourself and be the best person you can be, stand for the relationship you want, and let her be her and do her. It can work. Imagine how much more attractive that would make you than trying to tell her what to do and blaming your faults on her. Several reconciliations here. You have to be willing to make a change from the status quo. She shouldn’t have to refuse, because you shouldn’t be telling her what yo do. You should not be toxic. If she’s toxic to you, set boundaries that control and protect you. If she’s toxic to the kids document, report, and take custody.
Ok, so I see this is a really bad idea, can I have examples of how it’s a really bad idea? What happens exactly? I can understand that it makes an affair so much easier to accomplish.
Before I answer where do you plan on staying when you are not in the family home?
A friends spare room. He lives alone in a 4 bedroom house, also divorced 10 years ago.
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by costanza
But it would also give me the freedom to get my life back at the same time wouldn’t it?
What do you mean get your life back?
GAL, rest, meditate, focus on me and hobbies, start seeing people/get some affection. Is that a bad plan? Do I need to refrain from getting some affection?
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by costanza
If she refuses to leave the house, and I also stay, it’d be an incredibly toxic environment.
Why? She's home with the kids you are out GALing like a mad man. Your home with kids she can do whatever she wants. Most likely out with OM.
ok, but that sounds like a pretty crappy house to live in.
Originally Posted by costanza
So the only way around it would be to go see lawyers and have it split legally.
Not necessarily.
Originally Posted by costanza
This would place a massive financial burden before we have a chance to prepare properly while also reducing the quality of living on everyone, especially the children, wouldn’t it?
Anyway you look at it yours and the kids life's are going to be flipped upside down.
Originally Posted by costanza
What don’t I see?
See above.[/quote]
Originally Posted by costanza
She left her computer unlocked so I helped myself. Didn’t take long to find a chat with a work colleague. Saw the whole thing about, needing to be careful about crossing the line, the guy also has a GF, they decided to end it at least for now. I don’t believe it’s permanently over, sounds like they were really into each other.
You have no idea how predictable this is Costanza. I can tell you the ending if you would like me to.[/quote] Ya, I can imagine. Either way, she's out there, nothing i can do about it.
I just got a fwd email from W concerning the divorce counselling or MC. We'll have an appointment in the next 24-48 hours. I'm pretty sure its divorce counselling. Not sure how to approach this. Since she's already out there dating, and not being honest about it. Is there even a point to attending this together? I just don't see the point.
I'm leaning towards writing exactly that. But at the same time I understand I need to stop arguing, validate, and actively listen. What's the next step in this case?
"I've decided that couples counseling at this point would be a waste of time. I'm committed to individual counseling for myself."
I just got a fwd email from W concerning the divorce counselling or MC. We'll have an appointment in the next 24-48 hours. I'm pretty sure its divorce counselling. Not sure how to approach this. Since she's already out there dating, and not being honest about it. Is there even a point to attending this together? I just don't see the point.
I'm leaning towards writing exactly that. But at the same time I understand I need to stop arguing, validate, and actively listen. What's the next step in this case?
I would ask her what she is looking to get out of this counseling.
Ask her what her intentions are with the counseling.
Ah getting some affection in the bachelors pad. You are just as bad as her. Apparently this marriage doesn't mean anything to either of you. Probably best to come to a amicable split and move on.
Yes, "get some affection" sounds icky in the context of a married guy professing to want to save his marriage. This coming from a guy with no hangups about casual sex--a month ago I turned a first hiking date into sex in the woods. You won't woo your wife back with that attitude.
