SSRI's and divorce - Wife doesn't love me anymore

[BL42]

wayfarer,

Sure you're right we're all trying to Dx our spouses when we get here. I get that. But the point of all this is, is to Dx ourselves.

Great thought.

No worries, Steve. Other posters don't discourage me. Ask LH..lol.

That's it Way it will take more then a little BL kick back to keep you off lol.

Phew! I'd hate to be the reason anyone here backed off! The more points of view in these threads the better.

costanza,

I’m going to give you some advice if it comes to separation. Do your due diligence to find out if there is an affair. If there is do not do the “nesting” arrangement where you go back and forth to an apartment. Thats a cake eaters dream scenario.

1) Don't nest ("rotate the family home"). I know people who have. It's a horrible arrangement for the left-behind spouse. Find your backbone and say no before it's too late.

Do not agree to a nesting arrangement.

Let me add my voice to the choir. Do not rotate the home. Your kids are young...are you going to do that for the next decade and a half? No, of course not. You're probably going along with it because you hope it'll be your way to hang on and in a few months she'll see the error of her ways and move back. Sorry to say this because it [censored] to hear, but more likely is she'll hook up with her coworker in the EA or start dating someone else and it'll be rough for you. Be strong up front. If she wants to break up the marriage and the family make her fully commit to the path and bare the brunt of it.

She's also been asking me for details about a few nights I went out, like where and with who. I don't think it actually bothers her, but maybe a little?

No need to over share...
W: Where are you going? You: Out. W: Who are you going with. You: A friend.

She promises there is no one else, and she's always been so brutally honest that I believe her.

Did some ground work and found there was an EA with a colleague after her D-bomb, (so it's not cheating technically) it lasted a couple weeks, flirting via chat, but it didn't get physical, they ended it before it started up cause it was getting complicated. Obviously door is still open for a weak or drunken moment.

So now you've confirmed at least an EA, which didn't seem possible before. Hate to say it, but there's likely more. How did you verify? Did you confront her about it? How do you know it didn't become physical or that it's over?

Our stance from the start was we respect each other and the kids by putting off any dating or getting physical until January our planned separation date. Starting Jan, we were supposed to rotate the family home to keep the kids somewhere stable at least for a little while, maybe longer. Now my issue is, she was really close and willing to start up with a coworker, so i'd be niaive to think she's not actively "out there". My instinct is to tell her to move out before getting physical with anyone and then sharing the bed with me.

There is absolutely no way you enforce this or can trust her to uphold her agreement. It's maybe even likely she's already physical with her coworker. Maybe she just wants the perception of separation before that comes to light - thinking you or her family or others in the community won't think as poorly of her if she separates and then "finds" this new guy.

What's better? Keeping her close so the effects of GAL, being the best version of me, without putting any pressure on her, etc.. Or ask her to leave because I see she's already actively on the prowl? I guess telling her to leave would make it seem like it's bothering me and could be seen as me starting another discussion, so i assume i should avoid it?

Costanza, your questions continue to be trying to figure out what to do to get a result. And I can tell you that if you continue to "act" just to get a desired result you'll continue to spin and do the wrong things. You GAL.... For you. You 180... For you. You work on detachment... For you. Until you get that she will feel watched and manipulated.

^What SteveLW said.

[costanza]

1) Don't nest ("rotate the family home"). I know people who have. It's a horrible arrangement for the left-behind spouse. Find your backbone and say no before it's too late.

Can you shed some light please? How is nesting so bad? I'm still kinda new here. How does one say no exactly? I don't really see how I can expect any cooperation here? Shall I move out and give up the house? Shall I ask her to move out and buy her out? Isn't this what's best for the kids? The thought of uprooting them so fast seems so harsh.

2) "OUR stance from the start" -- How bizarre--YOU want to start dating and getting physical with other people starting in January?? Can you explain this desire of yours better??

I might've explained wrong, we both just said "let's not make this awkward by dating people while we're still sharing the same roof and bed. However, she changed her tune pretty fast with a coworker.

[SteveLW]

1) Don't nest ("rotate the family home"). I know people who have. It's a horrible arrangement for the left-behind spouse. Find your backbone and say no before it's too late.

Can you shed some light please? How is nesting so bad? I'm still kinda new here. How does one say no exactly? I don't really see how I can expect any cooperation here? Shall I move out and give up the house? Shall I ask her to move out and buy her out? Isn't this what's best for the kids? The thought of uprooting them so fast seems so harsh.

You say no by refusing to move out until ordered to by court order! That means you are there all the time. No voluntary living elsewhere for 2 weeks, etc. We've seen a lot of LBSs that tried this and eventually tired of the arrangement. The WAS will milk it for all they can. We've seen posters that ended up doing this for years....and hated it!

2) "OUR stance from the start" -- How bizarre--YOU want to start dating and getting physical with other people starting in January?? Can you explain this desire of yours better??

I might've explained wrong, we both just said "let's not make this awkward by dating people while we're still sharing the same roof and bed. However, she changed her tune pretty fast with a coworker.

My guess was that this was your idea.....not hers. IE attempt to control.

[costanza]

Costanza, your questions continue to be trying to figure out what to do to get a result. And I can tell you that if you continue to "act" just to get a desired result you'll continue to spin and do the wrong things. You GAL.... For you. You 180... For you. You work on detachment... For you. Until you get that she will feel watched and manipulated.

Thanks, this makes sense. Gotta admit, I'm still hoping for a hail Mary, I need to get over that. Seeing how things didn't work out with her EA, it's given me some hope that she might've realized things weren't soo bad at home.

Do not agree to a nesting arrangement. You can ask her to leave but legally likely you cannot make her. As far as your agreement on the not dating. Sounds like more stealth trying to control her. I know you don't see that in you, but I wholeheartedly disagree with you on wayfarer. She has a great nose for this kind of thing.

This came from her though, perhaps she was just trying to go easy on me and shake me off her path with EA.

As far as she's too busy with work to be able to go out.... Yeah lots of LBSs have fell for that one. Unless you know where she is 24/7, there is no way for you to know for sure. Again, why focus on what you cannot control??

I know and I understand, anyone can find time for a quicky pretty much anywhere. She still works from home 75% of the time, and when she's working late on-site she's one of the presenters on a Zoom call with hundreds of people, I have access to the feed btw, and I can confirm she is where she says she is. Of course there is also time for lunches and dinners, so yes, there are tonnes of opportunities. She also goes out at least one night a week, and stays out really late and drinks a lot. No doubt she's looking for a good time.

[LH19]

Can you shed some light please? How is nesting so bad? I'm still kinda new here. How does one say no exactly? I don't really see how I can expect any cooperation here? Shall I move out and give up the house? Shall I ask her to move out and buy her out? Isn't this what's best for the kids? The thought of uprooting them so fast seems so harsh.

Your initial posture should be: if she is interested in separation or divorce, she can move to the couch and she can move out. Why should you unseat yourself as the paterfamilias if she wants out or is having an affair? The longer this drags on, the weaker your position becomes. You will compromise, make yourself smaller, meet her needs and then she'll walk all over you. Don't wait for her to act. Time to take control back. People respond to that. Being an emotional chameleon, "trying" to be detached doesn't work. Set boundaries. This is hard, but, it helps avoid all the back and forth. Does she want to be married to you or not? Thus far she said she wants a separation or a divorce. Act on that. If you want something else, state it. You can say, "If you want to work on this marriage, fine, if you don't, I have some decisions to make in the next few weeks." Strength and clarity.

[Traveler]

I'm still kinda new here. How does one say no exactly? I don't really see how I can expect any cooperation here? Shall I move out and give up the house? Shall I ask her to move out and buy her out? Isn't this what's best for the kids? The thought of uprooting them so fast seems so harsh.

Constanza, as Steve says, becoming assertive (controlling you, not controlling her) is simple. You don't move out. You don't date other people. If and only if she asks--"No, I'm not moving out." "No, I don't want to date other people." No big talks. No big arguments. The kids continue to have their home. The kids continue to see you everday. You don't want her to, but she's free to move out, or date other people, or eventually file for divorce and a proposal to split the family home on her timeline. These are her problems to solve on her own as she likes and on her own timeline as she wants to end the marriage and you don't. Your focus on being the best constanza you can be. That's your Hail Mary.

[BL42]

Shall I move out and give up the house?

NO! Do not move out. Or, at the very least don't move out without consulting a L and having a separation agreement in place regarding custody and financials.

How is nesting so bad?

You're life in constantly in-flux. You have no way to ensure she doesn't bring OM into your home or the apartment I'd assume you'd share. It's not sustainable anyway. Maybe for a month or 3 or 6, but your kids are 2 and 4, not 17. If she's determined to leave it won't change anything.

How does one say no exactly?

"I've decided not to move out."
"You're welcome to move out if you'd like, but I plan to stay in the house."

Isn't this what's best for the kids? The thought of uprooting them so fast seems so harsh.

Your W is on a path to disrupt your kids' lives. Unfortunately if she's determined to go down that path, you can not change that. You have to stand firm for your own best interests and be a rock for the kids.

[costanza]

I’m going to give you some advice if it comes to separation. Do your due diligence to find out if there is an affair. If there is do not do the “nesting” arrangement where you go back and forth to an apartment. Thats a cake eaters dream scenario.

1) Don't nest ("rotate the family home"). I know people who have. It's a horrible arrangement for the left-behind spouse. Find your backbone and say no before it's too late.

Do not agree to a nesting arrangement.

Let me add my voice to the choir. Do not rotate the home. Your kids are young...are you going to do that for the next decade and a half? No, of course not. You're probably going along with it because you hope it'll be your way to hang on and in a few months she'll see the error of her ways and move back. Sorry to say this because it [censored] to hear, but more likely is she'll hook up with her coworker in the EA or start dating someone else and it'll be rough for you. Be strong up front. If she wants to break up the marriage and the family make her fully commit to the path and bare the brunt of it.

Ok, so I see this is a really bad idea, can I have examples of how it’s a really bad idea? What happens exactly? I can understand that it makes an affair so much easier to accomplish. But it would also give me the freedom to get my life back at the same time wouldn’t it? If she refuses to leave the house, and I also stay, it’d be an incredibly toxic environment. So the only way around it would be to go see lawyers and have it split legally. This would place a massive financial burden before we have a chance to prepare properly while also reducing the quality of living on everyone, especially the children, wouldn’t it? What don’t I see?

She promises there is no one else, and she's always been so brutally honest that I believe her.

Did some ground work and found there was an EA with a colleague after her D-bomb, (so it's not cheating technically) it lasted a couple weeks, flirting via chat, but it didn't get physical, they ended it before it started up cause it was getting complicated. Obviously door is still open for a weak or drunken moment.

So now you've confirmed at least an EA, which didn't seem possible before. Hate to say it, but there's likely more. How did you verify? Did you confront her about it? How do you know it didn't become physical or that it's over?

She left her computer unlocked so I helped myself. Didn’t take long to find a chat with a work colleague. Saw the whole thing about, needing to be careful about crossing the line, the guy also has a GF, they decided to end it at least for now. I don’t believe it’s permanently over, sounds like they were really into each other.

[LH19]

Ok, so I see this is a really bad idea, can I have examples of how it’s a really bad idea? What happens exactly? I can understand that it makes an affair so much easier to accomplish.

Before I answer where do you plan on staying when you are not in the family home?

But it would also give me the freedom to get my life back at the same time wouldn’t it?

What do you mean get your life back?

If she refuses to leave the house, and I also stay, it’d be an incredibly toxic environment.

Why? She's home with the kids you are out GALing like a mad man. Your home with kids she can do whatever she wants. Most likely out with OM.

So the only way around it would be to go see lawyers and have it split legally.

Not necessarily.

This would place a massive financial burden before we have a chance to prepare properly while also reducing the quality of living on everyone, especially the children, wouldn’t it?

Anyway you look at it yours and the kids life's are going to be flipped upside down.

What don’t I see?

See above.

She left her computer unlocked so I helped myself. Didn’t take long to find a chat with a work colleague. Saw the whole thing about, needing to be careful about crossing the line, the guy also has a GF, they decided to end it at least for now. I don’t believe it’s permanently over, sounds like they were really into each other.

You have no idea how predictable this is Costanza. I can tell you the ending if you would like me to.

[costanza]

I just got a fwd email from W concerning the divorce counselling or MC. We'll have an appointment in the next 24-48 hours. I'm pretty sure its divorce counselling. Not sure how to approach this. Since she's already out there dating, and not being honest about it. Is there even a point to attending this together? I just don't see the point.

I'm leaning towards writing exactly that. But at the same time I understand I need to stop arguing, validate, and actively listen. What's the next step in this case?