Just throwing this out there, for all the good feedback. Im thinking of asking her if she would be interested in attending a DB coach. Im thinking about doing it in this manner.
Time after kids are in bed (I find this a better time to ask questions). Wait till she approaches me about something, not me initiating the comms. Use a soft startup
M: I have been attending MC for three months now. I feel it has been really helping me to individually work through some of the issues in our relationship. In my opinion it has been well worthwhile for my own sanity and to understand my role in what is happening. I would like to ask you if you would also be interested in attending MC either on your own or with me. I think initially it would be better to attend on your own. I would be happy to pick up the cost of it. You do not have to answer me know, just have a think about it.
If she immediately says No, I will not push matter. I will just say “Ok, I will continue to go myself and if you change your mind at a later date please just let me know.
The i will stop the conversation.
Is this a really bad idea?
It's a really bad idea right now but a must if you are to ever reconcile in the future.
People go to MC for a variety of reasons:
1) Trying to give the appearance that they "tried" when in fact they had already given up. This is public face-saving 2) Trying to help the other person come to terms with the fact that they have decided to leave 3) Trying to get a third party to validate that they are right and the other person is wrong 4) Trying to save their marriage by being willing to work on it.
They said that 95% of the time, one person is coming for reasons 1-3, and the other person is coming for reason 4. When only one person is in, MC has a 0% success rate.
They said that people usually go in about three years too late, when one party is already fully checked out.
It sounds like you're fully in this scenario where you're in group 4 and W is in some combination of groups 1-3. In that scenario, you have almost no chance of success with MC.
I would strongly recommend individual IC being a *much* more effective course of action for you.
In this situation that one person is already done there is probably a zero percent success rate for any MC. In addition, I believe that they make the situation worse because they encourage the "standing spouse" to divulge all their thoughts and feelings which comes across as pursuing behavior.
When one person wants out and one person wants to keep things together, overt pursuit is the enemy.
