I have to say, it definitely comes across to me like you're coming out pretty harsh and hostile against costanza right out of the gate. We're all in agreement that A) the SSRIs shouldn't be his main focus and B) he should self-reflect on his contributions to the demise of the marriage, but it's not unreasonable for him to wonder whether they're a factor...most people coming to this board are trying to diagnose the problem so they can find a remedy. Doesn't necessarily mean he's a controlling/monster of a husband.
Sure you're right we're all trying to Dx our spouses when we get here. I get that. But the point of all this is, is to Dx ourselves.
A lot of LBH's and some LBW's resort to control out of anxiety because of their sitch. They don't even realize they are doing it. Nor do they realize until it's far too late that part of the reason they are here is they were resorting to control almost the entirety of the relationship out of insecurity. The sooner an LBS recognizes the behavior the sooner all of us can see if they're anxiety ridden due to the chaos and trying to control things because they can't just "let go, and let god." Or if they've been trying to control things the whole time and the WS rebelling because of that, like a teenager. Because those are two totally different types of control. Which the one off advice of detach is good for, but if it's been a relationship long affliction it's not that simple. And you're right there is the final level of control which is the one you think I'm accusing him of, the controlling ahole. We don't see a lot of them around here but every once in a while one will pop up. I don't necessarily think he's that guy but I have no way of knowing that. The details and thought process here outside of 'SSRI's are the devil' is pretty scant.
Based on the fact that C's doubling down and going with "Her SSRI's made me do it" I stand by my vibes that there is some flavor of control issue here that I can't put my finger on until I see otherwise. And since that's the case here I will do as I usually do in these situations, let other people handle it until I have anything else to say of use. Clearly, as of now, nothing I say is of use.
It's difficult to take the SSRI's out of the picture, my failures were directly linked to them. I became paranoid, anxious and resentful.
Originally Posted by costanza
I realized I was spiralling deeper around June and I told her I needed help and had to figure out what was happening to me.
Whatever these docs told you, I doubt any would attribute your paranoia, anxiety, or spiraling as side effects of her medication. Dealing with change is hard, especially so if you’re used to being in the driver’s seat, and now she’s more capable. Yes, I’d focus on stabilizing your own mental health and dropping or putting much less energy into your theories about her medication. If she doesn’t like who she is on the medication, she will make changes. You fix you. You do you.
I disagree. And other posters disagreeing with your approach should not discourage you. You called it like you saw it.
LBSs need wake up calls. Especially when they're putting focusing on the wrong things.
No worries, Steve. Other posters don't discourage me. Ask LH..lol. But there's only so much I can say when people double, triple and quadruple down. Until we're ready to break through and move forward there isn't much left for me to say.
For the people that succeeded in rekindling the relationship, did you do anything different to this method and approach? Did anyone sway completely off course and still succeed?
I used the gift of time to make permanent 180s. For me, that meant learning to stop arguing, validate, and actively listen--while still continuing to be assertive. I accepted there was no going back to anything like the way things were. I hope you can let go of that notion, too!
We had underlying issues that rekindling things for a year ultimately couldn't resolve.
So many questions, so much thinking, so little time!
I'm still trying to get around to answering all the questions, as well as getting around to giving more details on my efforts to 180, my situation at the moment, etc....
Situation is in flux at the moment, we're talking a lot more, she's in a better mood, we're laughing, spending time together, and she isn't always in such a hurry to run away from home. She even started walking in on me again while showering which she hasn't done in 5-6 weeks. However she still won't change in front of me, so there is still that boundary. I did notice she gained a few pounds in a month. Not that it makes a difference to me, but at the beginning she was really taking care of herself, working out more often, etc... that has stopped the past few weeks. She's also been asking me for details about a few nights I went out, like where and with who. I don't think it actually bothers her, but maybe a little?
Did some ground work and found there was an EA with a colleague after her D-bomb, (so it's not cheating technically) it lasted a couple weeks, flirting via chat, but it didn't get physical, they ended it before it started up cause it was getting complicated. Obviously door is still open for a weak or drunken moment.
Almost two weeks ago, she mentioned she'd go see her Dr and her therapist, as well as get us an appointment with either a D-councilor or couples therapy. Nothing has happened yet as far as i know, but she's also crazy busy with work. I'm not sure I mind how much time she spends working so there is less energy for bars and cruising. I'm kinda worried what comes when work isn't soo busy, perhaps she'll be entertaining herself and leaving the house as much as a few weeks ago? But that is not my problem anymore, and i'm working towards that not bothering me as much.
Now, here's where you guys come in! I need advice please. Our stance from the start was we respect each other and the kids by putting off any dating or getting physical until January our planned separation date. Starting Jan, we were supposed to rotate the family home to keep the kids somewhere stable at least for a little while, maybe longer. Now my issue is, she was really close and willing to start up with a coworker, so i'd be niaive to think she's not actively "out there". My instinct is to tell her to move out before getting physical with anyone and then sharing the bed with me.
What's better? Keeping her close so the effects of GAL, being the best version of me, without putting any pressure on her, etc.. Or ask her to leave because I see she's already actively on the prowl? I guess telling her to leave would make it seem like it's bothering me and could be seen as me starting another discussion, so i assume i should avoid it?
Honestly, she's soo not herself these days, that I'm only a fraction as jealous as I should and/or would normally be. I guess that's a good thing?
Or should I just focus on my 180/GAL and not worry about the living arrangements and if she's dating?
All your help is soo appreciated, really wish I had more time to check-in, its so hard with the children, work and obligations.
So here's a quick list of how I messed up in the past year, maybe more:
I wasn't the strong independent person she met. I became weak. I was soo busy trying to support her through the postpartums and the kids, that I totally lost who i was. I was seeing friends very little, and hardly had any hobbies going. I let her make most decisions, so she didn't have a reason to get upset with me. I wasn't sweeping her off her feet anymore, I wasn't making her laugh as much. I confronted her about the smoking and drinking, probably not the right way. I was super supportive the first 18 months of her smoking, but then when she started the drinking and going out, I was a lot less understanding and easy going. Through all this stress, I lost my positivity, my insecurities came out. I became resentful that she'd let our house and relationship fall apart. I guess I tried to control her drinking and smoking, but she's a very strong person, controlling her is not an option. Wayfarer is way off the mark there, like on quite a few other points as well since I'm being honest. No offence Wayfarer, you made a couple of good points, and I will still take your advice when relevant. I didn't give her a safe space to open up to me, I was to quick to judge when she was going through a hard time and being open with me.
Our stance from the start was we respect each other and the kids by putting off any dating or getting physical until January our planned separation date. Starting Jan, we were supposed to rotate the family home to keep the kids somewhere stable at least for a little while, maybe longer.
1) Don't nest ("rotate the family home"). I know people who have. It's a horrible arrangement for the left-behind spouse. Find your backbone and say no before it's too late.
2) "OUR stance from the start" -- How bizarre--YOU want to start dating and getting physical with other people starting in January?? Can you explain this desire of yours better??
Costanza, your questions continue to be trying to figure out what to do to get a result. And I can tell you that if you continue to "act" just to get a desired result you'll continue to spin and do the wrong things. You GAL.... For you. You 180... For you. You work on detachment... For you. Until you get that she will feel watched and manipulated.
Do not agree to a nesting arrangement. You can ask her to leave but legally likely you cannot make her. As far as your agreement on the not dating. Sounds like more stealth trying to control her. I know you don't see that in you, but I wholeheartedly disagree with you on wayfarer. She has a great nose for this kind of thing.
As far as she's too busy with work to be able to go out.... Yeah lots of LBSs have fell for that one. Unless you know where she is 24/7, there is no way for you to know for sure. Again, why focus on what you cannot control??
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
