SSRI's and divorce - Wife doesn't love me anymore

[wayfarer]

I've obviously hit a nerve here, I apologize if I did. I did start off with a warning: "It might come off as arrogant, but it's really not meant that way. Perhaps just some of my introverted personality coming out".

I'm introverted and being arrogant isn't an introverted trait. Coming off as such for a person lacking appropriate social skills is a sign of ASD, but not a sign of introversion. So no that was not your "introverted personality coming out." And you don't sound arrogant. You sound like you're grasping at straws. There's a difference.

I just don't understand why you insinuate "lady drugs", I'm talking about my wife/x-wife on antidepressants, I feel it's a bit much to accuse me of labeling them with women.

I didn't say lady drugs. You read lady drugs. I said crazy-lady drugs. As in drugs for a crazy person who happens to be a woman.

One of my closest friends was prescribed an SSRI after his father passed away, he had a really hard time with the loss. When the Dr decided it was time to stop two years later, he "woke up" (his words) and found himself divorced with two kids and a massive mortgage he couldn't afford. He's in therapy trying to understand how it happened and trying put everything back together. He feels antidepressants stole everything from him.

Or I don't know, he didn't process his grief and depression appropriately and blew up his life, and instead of taking any personal responsibility he's blaming drugs he could've changed or gotten off of at any time.

I can tell a drug isn't working with my body or my brain chemistry. Most people who have an idea of how they "should" feel in their body or in their head knows this. Even those of us with broken brains due to bad brain chemistry. Where I live you have to check in monthly with a new psychotropic medication and then quarterly, and then bi annually. And eventually at least annually.

Women in particular are more attuned to this given the whole birth control thing. Most of us have been through at least a half dozen methods before we find one that doesn't make us miserable. And we've all had at least one where we could literally see the mood changes happening and felt powerless to do anything about it.

Your friend had plenty of time to rectify the situation before he blew his entire life up. It wasn't court ordered medication. He had plenty of time to "wake up." Yet he didn't until he had a scape goat. I truly don't understand how you see this as proof of your point, and not an argument against.

And I'm sorry if you have people in your life telling you anti-depressants are only for the suicidal but that leads me to believe that you've had little to no exposure to a person with chronic clinical depression. And that you are clearly surrounding yourself with the wrong kind of people if you want any understanding of what was and is happening in your MR and with your W.

My therapist, also a woman, is the one that suggested I talk to my wife about her looking into changing or stopping the SSRI's.

You do know that a lot of ICs are just validation bots. Confirmation bias is a h3ll of thing.

Honestly, with all the information out there, and after talking to Doc's and Therapists that don't have anything to gain from it, I don't see how anyone can challenge that they can be harmful to SOME people. Claiming that someone is "more themselves" on SSRI's is kind of a stretch. They make you happy, and able to let stuff role off your back with less anxiety, but that does not mean they bring out the "real you." You're boosting someone's serotonin, basically changing their chemical balance. Loads of illicite drugs also do that. They've possibly never had that much serotonin in their systems and changing some behaviors, this isn't a conspiracy theory, regular follow-ups are suggested on the label. There is also an important difference between someone with anxiety and someone that is suicidal. My wife/xwife was never suicidal. BIG difference there.

Hi, hey person with chronic depression here. This is a whole lotta words for "I have no ability to conceptualize depression." #1 depression and anxiety are often found together sometimes it's a causal relationship, sometime it's a comorbidity. Regardless of relationship they can be treated together #2 DEPRESSION ISN'T ALWAYS SUICIDAL. I strongly, strongly suggest you stop wasting your time reading on how SSRI's are the cause for your MR falling apart and take some time reading up on postpartum depression and anxiety. As well as generalize anxiety disorders and clinical depression thedepressionproject.com is a really good resource for people who don't have a real good handle on depression and anxiety, the ways it can be exhibited, the effects it has on the person suffering with them, and how the people who care about them can support them.

My wife has been on them for 14 months with no follow-up.

^^^this and only this is why I wasn't more pointed with you above. This isn't best practice and isn't allowed in my State. I will let you have this without argument. She should've had a follow up and I'll add she very likely needs a psychiatric evaluation to get her Dx'd and to get her on the proper Rx's. BUT that's not up to you, so it's a waste of your time and everyone elses to get hung up on that.

The last little tidbit I have for you is from my perspective I see a man who was miserable when his wife was suffering, and is miserable now that she's not. So you wanted her to get better and she did but she didn't get better the way you wanted her to so now you're trying to get her and the universe to bend to your will and be the person you thought she was, and the person you want her to be and for it to be the MR you want. When you could've been applying that time and energy to finding a way for you and your wife to change and grow together. This is the part that comes off as arrogance to me. And that isn't introversion my friend, that's control. 100% control. But you're here now and you're welcome to stop wasting all that energy any time you like and turn it toward you changing and growing on your own while you bide your time with the MR stuff.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you're are some poor shlub who just wanted a W and kids and the happy little family he signed up for and his W went totally off the rails. And you just need love and support through this. But I've yet to have gotten that here. I'm hoping when you have time to offer more there is actually more.

[wayfarer]

I just want to also be clear that 2 of the main things that happened in my MR before my H went out and started an A were tied to my depression.

1) I waited way too long to get help, but I was able to reason my way out of it was because I wasn't suicidal. I knew and know that's not a milemarker in getting help, but I used it as a crutch because it's socially acceptable to believe depression is ONLY suicidal ideation. My mental health took a huge toll on my H and my MR, even if it was taking a much greater toll on me

2) My H thought depression meant sad. He was one of those wonderful people who tell you smile, and take walks, and work out and get sunshine, and drink water and all will be well. He never once bothered to understand what it was, even after I started treatment. Nor did he research how to cope as a partner or how to support at a partner.

I failed my H and my MR because I didn't want to put in the work that it requires to be treated, well because I was depressed and didn't think I had the emotional bandwidth. And because I let my functional depression convince me that no one else was suffering but me because I was doing everything I was supposed to be while I was dying inside.

My H failed me and our MR because it was easier to believe I was a Negative Nancy sad sack type of person than it was for him to accept that his W needed help, and that he needed to be part of that. He failed me and our MR because he thought he knew everything he needed to know about my mental health. He then failed me and our MR because he started talking to people outside of our MR and my care team about me and my mental health, which then lead to an A.

It takes 2 people for a MR to fall apart. Let's try the house metaphor. My H set the house on fire and repeatedly pointed at it being my fault because I busted all the windows out and refused to fix them so the rain came in and destroyed the walls and floors. Ignoring that he had ripped all the doors from the hinges and smashed holes in the load bearing walls before he ever started the fire.

Your W started the fire. But that house wasn't destroyed only by her.

[may22]

A few quick thoughts from me.

She promises there is no one else, and she's always been so brutally honest that I believe her. If anything I think she wishes there was so it'd be easier for me to accept.

I thought this too. My husband couldn't even tell a tiny white lie. Ever. Not saying your wife is having an affair. But new job, going out with friends, new school... I don't think you can necessarily discount this as a possibility. Just another word of caution about blaming all of her behavior on her meds. What you describe is all super common behavior for WASs. They all seem like strangers.

Two. I would set your ego aside and read what Wayfarer has written, closely. She's given you a important insight into depression and if you truly care about what your wife may be going through, I'd jump at the opportunity to learn more about what depression is like rather than just serve back anecdotes and google searches that bolster your previously held theories.

Three. From what I have read, she's still in the house-- is that true? What are the sleeping arrangements? She's just been talking about wanting to talk to someone about starting the separation? If I have that all right, I'd take a deep breath and RELAX, man. Let her do the legwork on finding a place and moving out. You don't need to facilitate any of this. WASs are lazy (unless there is an AP pushing them, and even so those ones can STILL be pretty lazy about actually doing any work to get a D). The vets used to say she has given you a gift... the gift of TIME. You have this. Don't squander it.

Four. DBing isn't aloofness or stonewalling. It is focusing on you and becoming your best self. Not pursuing does not equal stonewalling. You can be pleasant and kind and polite, just not trying to rope her into conversations about stopping her medications and staying married. Do your own thing. GAL. Focus on your kids and being the best dad you can possibly be. Don't start R talks, but if she brings it up, listen and validate and DON'T ARGUE.

Five. As you focus on yourself-- can you tell us behaviors that you have that may have contributed to the failure of your M? Take the SSRIs and her depression episodes completely out of the picture and just focus on YOU. I'd be interested to know if you have any 180s you'd like to make, for yourself.

[may22]

Oh I forgot-- wanted to reaffirm what several posters have said here and I think is really, really important for you-- it does seem like there is a whole lot of you trying to change or control your wife's behavior, and this focus on her medications exemplifies that. You need to let all that go and remember that the only person you can control is YOU. This was very difficult for me. I wanted to fix my husband and wake him up and make him realize what he was risking, how could he do this to our children, etc etc etc. But I couldn't, because that was not my work to do. That was his path and there was nothing I could do that would 'fix' him. He had to come to the realization on his own that he wanted to end the A and work on our M. I couldn't force him into any of that. In the same way, your W is an adult human being and she doesn't need your permission to take anti-depressants or get divorced from you. Those are her choices, though you may disagree and those choices may be painful for you.

Something that helped me a lot in my sitch was "you can't clap with one hand." No matter how much I wished otherwise, I couldn't force my H to do anything. I could only control myself. And when I really understood this in my bones, I was able to really focus on myself, my boundaries, and what was best for me and my kids, without getting distracted by wishing for change that wasn't within my power to effect.

[SteveLW]

On the 14 months with no follow-up. One thing with SSRIs is they can't just be stopped. Often times Drs will extend the prescription with a promise the patient will schedule the follow-up. I've seen this happen with my wife at least a couple of times.

[BL42]

wayfarer,

Ok so I have a ton of opinions on your sitch but I'm going to keep most of them to myself because most of them aren't particularly kind. But I'll give you some food for thought because that's the best I can muster without scaring you away from this board which I desperately think you need.

You can take or leave what I have to say with a grain of salt but you've left a lot of information out of this particularly about your MR and you specifically that leads me to follow my gut and my gut with guys who blame problems on everything but themselves usually get my hackles up. Maybe my vibes are off about this and it's simply because you haven't had the time to explain better. I'm hoping you can offer some clarity so I can be a little more supportive and a little less accusatory.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you're are some poor shlub who just wanted a W and kids and the happy little family he signed up for and his W went totally off the rails. And you just need love and support through this. But I've yet to have gotten that here. I'm hoping when you have time to offer more there is actually more.

I have to say, it definitely comes across to me like you're coming out pretty harsh and hostile against costanza right out of the gate. We're all in agreement that A) the SSRIs shouldn't be his main focus and B) he should self-reflect on his contributions to the demise of the marriage, but it's not unreasonable for him to wonder whether they're a factor...most people coming to this board are trying to diagnose the problem so they can find a remedy. Doesn't necessarily mean he's a controlling/monster of a husband.

costanza,

Dig down deep and tell us how you contributed to how you got where you at right now.

As you focus on yourself-- can you tell us behaviors that you have that may have contributed to the failure of your M? Take the SSRIs and her depression episodes completely out of the picture and just focus on YOU. I'd be interested to know if you have any 180s you'd like to make, for yourself.

Wayfarer has a point though, and most of the people posting on your thread either alluded to or explicitly asked...are you doing any self-reflection on your contributions to the state of the marriage? Take time to think about it. It's never completely one-sided. Were there resentments you held? Did you stonewall or act out? Are their ways you could've acted or communicated better? This is an important aspect of DB'ing. Reflect on these questions and let the answers inform your 180s.

I would also caution you that if your wife is out drinking and going to new classes etc, she might have her eye on another man. Prepare yourself mentally for this.

I'm not saying there is another man - how could I possibly know for sure - but an extremely high percentage of situations on this board involve an emotional and/or physical affair...even when the spouse swears up and down there's no one else. All I'm saying is prepare yourself for the possibility, because if there is it will be tough to handle and might set you back.

She promises there is no one else, and she's always been so brutally honest that I believe her. If anything I think she wishes there was so it'd be easier for me to accept.

I thought this too. My husband couldn't even tell a tiny white lie. Ever. Not saying your wife is having an affair. But new job, going out with friends, new school... I don't think you can necessarily discount this as a possibility.

I mentioned this above. Thornton mentioned it. Do you have any indication whatsoever of another man involved? Even just a gut intuition? Is she guarding her phone? That's typically a big tip-off.

From what I have read, she's still in the house-- is that true? What are the sleeping arrangements? She's just been talking about wanting to talk to someone about starting the separation?

Can you tell us more about the logistics of the situation?

Something that helped me a lot in my sitch was "you can't clap with one hand." No matter how much I wished otherwise, I couldn't force my H to do anything. I could only control myself. And when I really understood this in my bones, I was able to really focus on myself, my boundaries, and what was best for me and my kids, without getting distracted by wishing for change that wasn't within my power to effect.

Great quote.

[costanza]

Hi May22, funny coincidence, that's my bday. Thanks for the suggestions, very helpful.

A few quick thoughts from me.

Three. From what I have read, she's still in the house-- is that true? What are the sleeping arrangements? She's just been talking about wanting to talk to someone about starting the separation? If I have that all right, I'd take a deep breath and RELAX, man. Let her do the legwork on finding a place and moving out. You don't need to facilitate any of this. WASs are lazy (unless there is an AP pushing them, and even so those ones can STILL be pretty lazy about actually doing any work to get a D). The vets used to say she has given you a gift... the gift of TIME. You have this. Don't squander it.

Yes, we're still in the house together. We still sleep in the same bed, king size so there is more than enough space not to touch. Yes, initially she didn't want to talk to someone, but now she wants to. However I believe from the brief convo's on the matter, it'll probably be more of a seperation coach than couples counseling. She says she's already called and that we should have an appointment soon, however that was 10 days ago and nothing yet. I'm following the DB technique of not initiating the discussion, so I didn't ask for more detail. The deadline we set initially for seperation was January, so I have 2 months left under the same roof. Clocks ticking, like it isn't already stressful enough. I hope you're right, and she'll get lazy. We decided to start by keeping the kids at our house and we'd alternate in/out.

Like I said earlier, her moods fluctuate quite a bit depending the day, situation and activity. I stopped initiating any kind of plans, calls or text messages unless its absolutely required for a specific reason and I keep them short. She's been pretty regular in sending texts for various reasons, sometimes related to plans or the girls or random stuff. On Thursday she invited me to her parents for dinner with the kids, I turned her down to give her space. They live 10 minutes away, so it'd only be a 2 hour thing max. As I finished kissing my daughters at the car, W blew me a kiss as she pulled away. She hadn't shown any affection in 6 weeks, except for one afternoon 2 weeks ago, that she got a little drunk at our friends house and she was attached to me on a few occasions and I just ignored it. We've been having a good week, no serious discussions or arguements. I figured the blown kiss was just an old reflex, but we never blew kisses in the years together, it was always good-byes with a real kiss and squeeze, so I did find that strange.
I hoped it was a good sign of things going in a better direction, but tried not to make too much of it. Wednesday night we went over to another couples house for dinner with the kids, Wife's suggestion. She said it'd be fun to break the routine and do something out of the house. While W was playing with both sets of kids and their cat after dinner, our friends asked me if things were going better since we were out together, I answered I have no idea what is going through her mind half the time so I'm just going with it.

Four. DBing isn't aloofness or stonewalling. It is focusing on you and becoming your best self. Not pursuing does not equal stonewalling. You can be pleasant and kind and polite, just not trying to rope her into conversations about stopping her medications and staying married. Do your own thing. GAL. Focus on your kids and being the best dad you can possibly be. Don't start R talks, but if she brings it up, listen and validate and DON'T ARGUE.

I understand this better now, trying my best to stick to it, but I do have weak moments.

Five. As you focus on yourself-- can you tell us behaviors that you have that may have contributed to the failure of your M? Take the SSRIs and her depression episodes completely out of the picture and just focus on YOU. I'd be interested to know if you have any 180s you'd like to make, for yourself.

This is what I find really difficult. It's difficult to take the SSRI's out of the picture, my failures were directly linked to them. I became paranoid, anxious and resentful. See things were amazing for about a year, right after the 2nd postpartum passed until she started the antidepressants. I know I need to stop focusing on that, however it's linked because that's where I fell off the rails. I noticed the change around Nov/Dec last year, I started talking to friends with experience with them, my Dr and a therapist through a work program to get some help in understanding her recovery from postpartum and previous depressions. My goal there was to be more helpful and understand what was going on. The more I read and talked the more paranoid and anxious I got, I saw the changes in her as well as her becoming more distant. I also gave her a hard time because she was becoming a slob around the house, we're both neat freaks and always had the house tidy even with the two kids (i'm talking 50/50, before someone jumps down my throat and accuses me of needing my wife to clean) she went from OCD (not really, but we'd joke about it) to not having a care in the world, one random example that's not too extreme but major for her, is her walking from the kitchen to the living area and spilling 1/3 of her coffee on the floor, seeing it, saying oops, and just walking away from it, I was like "no way, she would never!". My expirament was to leave it there to see what would happen and if she'd clean it later, sure enough, 3 days and the dried stain was still there until I cleaned it up, it's not that I mind, we always shared duties and cleaned up after each other, we share all house duties. That's just one random example, but this seemed to be the new her, its obviously less stressful way of living, which is a good thing, but still kinda shocking when you see a change like that happen. I started cleaning and picking up after her constantly, socks, trash, sometimes I'd point things out to her and she just didn't care or acknowledge.

I was the deer in the headlights, I saw the car coming and couldn't get out of the way. I hit a wall in Febuary, got even more anxious about her other behavioral changes in the spring, we started to have more discussions about it which didn't go very well, I realized I was spiralling deeper around June and I told her I needed help and had to figure out what was happening to me. Her parents also started expressing their concerns about my W around spring. I just didn't know what to do or how to approach it. I wasn't in a good place and I had no idea who my W was. She got more distant, kinda like she had her own things and mental challenges that she couldn't deal with mine as well. Late summer, things started to get even more wierd, she'd be even more distant, I'd get more confused, look up more stuff about the AD's and get more paranoid, I could see D-day coming but couldn't snap out of it. I was not myself anymore at home, work or with friends, I was consumed in trying to figure this out and fix it. She dropped the bomb mid-sept, I told her I needed time to deal with it. I was a zombie the first 3-4 weeks. The next 3 weeks absolutely flew by, which makes me panic even more.

So all that to say, I lost myself, I became resentful, I got paranoid and anxious and my resentment started to show, I close up when I keep things in, and when I do they all come out at once which is hard on the person receiving it.

It's getting late, so I'll do this quick, I haven't quite finished reading up on the 180s.

Start working out again, I'm still fit, but just don't work out as regularly. See friends and/or coworkers twice a week. See my family regularly. Give her space. Get my energy level back up. Get back my good mood and make W laugh again (does this one make sense? Or should I leave her totally out of it?)

Again, Thank you so much!

[costanza]

She promises there is no one else, and she's always been so brutally honest that I believe her. If anything I think she wishes there was so it'd be easier for me to accept.

I thought this too. My husband couldn't even tell a tiny white lie. Ever. Not saying your wife is having an affair. But new job, going out with friends, new school... I don't think you can necessarily discount this as a possibility.

I mentioned this above. Thornton mentioned it. Do you have any indication whatsoever of another man involved? Even just a gut intuition? Is she guarding her phone? That's typically a big tip-off.

That's the thing, her phone and laptop are always wide open, there is zero attempt to hide anything there. If she did meet someone, it would seem she's made a deal to wait until January before starting things up. She's been pretty clear about where, what and with who she goes out, when she does, even when I don't ask. I'm still not completely convinced, I'd be an idiot if I didn't consider it.

When I ended things with her after our first year, and I re-established contact ~10 months later, she was seeing someone for a couple of months, and she refused anything physical with me until she had a chance to see the guy and end it in person. Took a few days as he was away on business. It took her 15 minutes and she called me right after. She really is the most honest person I know. But ya, I need to remain open to the possibility.

[costanza]

Hi May22, funny coincidence, that's my bday. Thanks for the suggestions, very helpful.

A few quick thoughts from me.

Three. From what I have read, she's still in the house-- is that true? What are the sleeping arrangements? She's just been talking about wanting to talk to someone about starting the separation? If I have that all right, I'd take a deep breath and RELAX, man. Let her do the legwork on finding a place and moving out. You don't need to facilitate any of this. WASs are lazy (unless there is an AP pushing them, and even so those ones can STILL be pretty lazy about actually doing any work to get a D). The vets used to say she has given you a gift... the gift of TIME. You have this. Don't squander it.

Yes, we're still in the house together. We still sleep in the same bed, king size so there is more than enough space not to touch. Yes, initially she didn't want to talk to someone, but now she wants to. However I believe from the brief convo's on the matter, it'll probably be more of a seperation coach than couples counseling. She says she's already called and that we should have an appointment soon, however that was 10 days ago and nothing yet. I'm following the DB technique of not initiating the discussion, so I didn't ask for more detail. The deadline we set initially for seperation was January, so I have 2 months left under the same roof. Clocks ticking, like it isn't already stressful enough. I hope you're right, and she'll get lazy. We decided to start by keeping the kids at our house and we'd alternate in/out.

Like I said earlier, her moods fluctuate quite a bit depending the day, situation and activity. I stopped initiating any kind of plans, calls or text messages unless its absolutely required for a specific reason and I keep them short. She's been pretty regular in sending texts for various reasons, sometimes related to plans or the girls or random stuff. On Thursday she invited me to her parents for dinner with the kids, I turned her down to give her space. They live 10 minutes away, so it'd only be a 2 hour thing max. As I finished kissing my daughters at the car, W blew me a kiss as she pulled away. She hadn't shown any affection in 6 weeks, except for one afternoon 2 weeks ago, that she got a little drunk at our friends house and she was attached to me on a few occasions and I just ignored it. We've been having a good week, no serious discussions or arguements. I figured the blown kiss was just an old reflex, but we never blew kisses in the years together, it was always good-byes with a real kiss and squeeze, so I did find that strange.
I hoped it was a good sign of things going in a better direction, but tried not to make too much of it. Wednesday night we went over to another couples house for dinner with the kids, Wife's suggestion. She said it'd be fun to break the routine and do something out of the house. While W was playing with both sets of kids and their cat after dinner, our friends asked me if things were going better since we were out together, I answered I have no idea what is going through her mind half the time so I'm just going with it.

Four. DBing isn't aloofness or stonewalling. It is focusing on you and becoming your best self. Not pursuing does not equal stonewalling. You can be pleasant and kind and polite, just not trying to rope her into conversations about stopping her medications and staying married. Do your own thing. GAL. Focus on your kids and being the best dad you can possibly be. Don't start R talks, but if she brings it up, listen and validate and DON'T ARGUE.

I understand this better now, trying my best to stick to it, but I do have weak moments.

Five. As you focus on yourself-- can you tell us behaviors that you have that may have contributed to the failure of your M? Take the SSRIs and her depression episodes completely out of the picture and just focus on YOU. I'd be interested to know if you have any 180s you'd like to make, for yourself.

This is what I find really difficult. It's difficult to take the SSRI's out of the picture, my failures were directly linked to them. I became paranoid, anxious and resentful. See things were amazing for about a year, right after the 2nd postpartum passed until she started the antidepressants. I know I need to stop focusing on that, however it's linked because that's where I fell off the rails. I noticed the change around Nov/Dec last year, I started talking to friends with experience with them, my Dr and a therapist through a work program to get some help in understanding her recovery from postpartum and previous depressions. My goal there was to be more helpful and understand what was going on. The more I read and talked the more paranoid and anxious I got, I saw the changes in her as well as her becoming more distant. I also gave her a hard time because she was becoming a slob around the house, we're both neat freaks and always had the house tidy even with the two kids (i'm talking 50/50, before someone jumps down my throat and accuses me of needing my wife to clean) she went from OCD (not really, but we'd joke about it) to not having a care in the world, one random example that's not too extreme but major for her, is her walking from the kitchen to the living area and spilling 1/3 of her coffee on the floor, seeing it, saying oops, and just walking away from it, I was like "no way, she would never!". My expirament was to leave it there to see what would happen and if she'd clean it later, sure enough, 3 days and the dried stain was still there until I cleaned it up, it's not that I mind, we always shared duties and cleaned up after each other, we share all house duties. That's just one random example, but this seemed to be the new her, its obviously less stressful way of living, which is a good thing, but still kinda shocking when you see a change like that happen. I started cleaning and picking up after her constantly, socks, trash, sometimes I'd point things out to her and she just didn't care or acknowledge.

I was the deer in the headlights, I saw the car coming and couldn't get out of the way. I hit a wall in Febuary, got even more anxious about her other behavioral changes in the spring, we started to have more discussions about it which didn't go very well, I realized I was spiralling deeper around June and I told her I needed help and had to figure out what was happening to me. Her parents also started expressing their concerns about my W around spring. I just didn't know what to do or how to approach it. I wasn't in a good place and I had no idea who my W was. She got more distant, kinda like she had her own things and mental challenges that she couldn't deal with mine as well. Late summer, things started to get even more wierd, she'd be even more distant, I'd get more confused, look up more stuff about the AD's and get more paranoid, I could see D-day coming but couldn't snap out of it. I was not myself anymore at home, work or with friends, I was consumed in trying to figure this out and fix it. She dropped the bomb mid-sept, I told her I needed time to deal with it. I was a zombie the first 3-4 weeks. The next 3 weeks absolutely flew by, which makes me panic even more.

So all that to say, I lost myself, I became resentful, I got paranoid and anxious and my resentment started to show, I close up when I keep things in, and when I do they all come out at once which is hard on the person receiving it.

It's getting late, so I'll do this quick, I haven't quite finished reading up on the 180s.

Start working out again, I'm still fit, but just don't work out as regularly. See friends and/or coworkers twice a week. See my family regularly. Give her space. Get my energy level back up. Get back my good mood and make W laugh again (does this one make sense? Or should I leave her totally out of it?)

Again, Thank you so much!

I should also say, I was sleeping a lot more than before, seemed I was never getting enough, which isn't like me. I was probably getting depressed, I was definitely not as fun to be around as I had ever been earlier in the relationship. We did have two kids though, so that can also explain part of it.

[LH19]

So it’s interesting that you’re blaming your inability to control your emotions (anxiety, paranoia, resentment) on the SSRIs. This is a good 180 for you to work on.

I’m going to give you some advice if it comes to separation. Do your due diligence to find out if there is an affair. If there is do not do the “nesting” arrangement where you go back and forth to an apartment. Thats a cake eaters dream scenario.

Ah the blown kiss lol is right up there with the half lean in hug. Nothing to see her.

As for the phone, do you have her password?

Have you spoken to a lawyer yet?