Still Goin' Solo

[kml]

The one and only time someone successfully picked me up in a store was Mr Big Lots. As I recall, when we first crossed paths, he may have smiled or made some innocuous friendly comment. Later in my shopping he turned up in my aisle again, looking like a sheepish ten year old boy, and asked me if I was by any chance a “single lady”. It was sweet and not creepy so I said yes.

The only cautionary part of the tale though - although he was terribly handsome, we probably were the least good fit of any of my dates. If I had met him through OLD he might not have made it through my screens, as I would have recognized how little we had in common.

[Maika]

OB:

The having no expectations with women - I've basically done that all my life lol. But that was out of insecurities and low self-worth. I can definitely have friendly chats with women and that's never been a huge issue. But, the advice is on point. I need to get out there and just be more social when the opportunity arises.

Ginger:

I've not been on FB for a long time, but I'll see what I can find on singles groups. There used to be Meetups, but that app is no longer available. I'll have to do some digging.

bttrfly:

good suggestions as well. we do have a city sports and fun activities groups and i need to see if they're back up now. you're right that being authentic is the key.

kml:

thanks for sharing that experience. i'll have to bring out some of my natural extroversion and see how that goes. I do have opportunities at the climbing gym, but i haven't been back since the pandemic. I can definitely start up convos there.

With all these excellent suggestions, I'm feeling pretty good about it

[Traveler]

@kml, that’s been my experience with random pick-ups as well. I remember a decade ago working up the nerve to ask out a cute woman who walked her dog in my neighborhood. She said yes! On our first date I learned she was “sorta” in a relationship but wanted out, my kids were a dealbreaker for her, and we had very few interests in common. I remember resolving never to do that again.

At the climbing gym is a good idea—you have at least one shared interest assuming you’re both either top-roping or bouldering, and the pauses between attempts give plenty of time to chat and assess compatibility before you make a move. If you always come at the same times, you tend to see the same people, too.

[AndrewP]

OB:

Yeh I'd like to do the real life thing for sure too. I'm just struggling to think of opportunities where I would meet women naturally. It seems to be a huge creep factor approaching women in gyms and grocery stores and I definitely don't want to give off that vibe. One of the things I need to do is put myself out there more - not just for dates but to talk and be conversational with random people. I've shut myself in a lot, and the pandemic didn't help.

I'm a pretty outgoing person for an introvert and will chat with almost anyone.

One thing that used to work for me was to grumble about my son living with me "because his mother was a much better cook". Established the bonafides as a single guy in a completely non-threatening way I thought and opened up a conversation. More than once I had sympathetic comments back about enjoying the weekend when the kids are with their dad etc. A couple of times it opened up the opportunity to ask for a date and once it even got a start on a relationship which unfortunately didn't work out.

If it's at pickle-ball, wherever, that sort of approach - or whatever works for you - can be a friendly opening point.

[Maika]

Thanks AndrewP - that's quite the line about cooking lol. I'd replace 'cooking' with 'baking' and we're on point - I'm a much better cook than exW

Small update:

So, I got a look at who the new dude on the scene is. ExW lives very close to me and I walked by her place and the new dude's car was there and I saw him getting out and fretting about a little bit. He didn't know who I was and I just kept walking on.

The dude is not on my level physically - he's way less attractive and has a bit of a beer belly; doesn't look like he's active or keeping up with how he looks and presents himself. Granted I saw him briefly and I don't know the dude and my judgment is just very superficial. So, saying all of that, I'm like - you are dating 'this' dude? maybe he's knocking it out in every other department, but oh well.

lilmanboy was a very similar type of dude and this just confirms what I had suspected all along - exW is still chockful of her insecurities and needs a dude who basically worships the ground she walks. Someone who she can lord over and feel better about herself - that she is more attractive, she is smarter, and a more together individual. I know where her wounds about this come from - not just from my emotional unavailability during the marriage, but also how she grew up and her past relationships before she met me. So, I feel for her for sure because she's hurting even if she can't see it.

At the same time, I felt totally good and couldn't care less about what she was doing with this dude. This revealed to me that my triggering was still all about me and I have a lot of work to do. If this dude was smoking alpha male, I am sure my current insecurities would've heightened. But because what I saw I wasn't impressed with, I could care less.

So, in conclusion:
exW is where she's at in her inner work - which is basically nowhere.
I have a lot of work to put in to not let this nonsense get to me like it did.
focus on me more, on her less

[Maika]

an addendum:

also, this made me realize how I so do not want to be with exW - she has none of the qualities and attributes that I want in a partner and she has done very little inner work. she wants to live some comfortable white picket fence life (nothing wrong with that), but that is so not the life I want.

I'm glad I never got an opportunity earlier to piece with her - it would've been a disaster. But I'd like to believe that after DBing and doing the inner work over the last few years, I would've ended it as soon as I realized it wasn't going to work. At least now, the silver lining is, that I don't have to go through that at all and be free to find a partner that meets what I am looking for.

And importantly, embody the qualities that I am looking for in a partner. I got some work to do in that area and it's exciting. The gym has frikkin' saved me and I'm starting to feel like my pre-covid self.

[Sage4]

Hi Maika! You sound like you're on a much more even keel right now, I am happy for you. But some thoughts:

The dude is not on my level physically - he's way less attractive and has a bit of a beer belly; doesn't look like he's active or keeping up with how he looks and presents himself. Granted I saw him briefly and I don't know the dude and my judgment is just very superficial. So, saying all of that, I'm like - you are dating 'this' dude? maybe he's knocking it out in every other department, but oh well.

But you knew this, didn't you? Of all the consistencies I read on these boards, our ex-partners affairing down is the most common of them all. So this should really come as no surprise to you and (as you accurately say later on) is more a reflection of what your internal narrative is about yourself than what is actually reality.

lilmanboy was a very similar type of dude and this just confirms what I had suspected all along - exW is still chockful of her insecurities and needs a dude who basically worships the ground she walks. Someone who she can lord over and feel better about herself - that she is more attractive, she is smarter, and a more together individual. I know where her wounds about this come from - not just from my emotional unavailability during the marriage, but also how she grew up and her past relationships before she met me. So, I feel for her for sure because she's hurting even if she can't see it.

A well-articulated, compassionate version of schadenfreude.

At the same time, I felt totally good and couldn't care less about what she was doing with this dude. This revealed to me that my triggering was still all about me and I have a lot of work to do. If this dude was smoking alpha male, I am sure my current insecurities would've heightened. But because what I saw I wasn't impressed with, I could care less.

Very, very wise and self-aware assessment. So if the day ever comes when OM actually is a smoking hot alpha, you will know how to navigate it. Because the truth is, 'it,' 'OM,' 'BD,' whatever is happening in our exes' lives, is not a reflection of us, but of them.

MOW in my situation has been a client for years. I first discovered her interest in my H when I was 6 weeks postpartum with our last child. We worked together and I saw a boob-heavy selfie she sent him (with a 'tee-hee-hee! I NEVER take selfies!'). Nursing our newborn, I told him I hadn't worked as hard as I did, sacrificed as much as I had, to let him blow up our business for some Jersey Shore bimbo and to keep it in his pants, forever, or I was out. He fell at my feet, told me she was insecure, funny but dumb and I had nothing to worry about because my beauty and intellect were galaxies beyond hers. There was enough truth here for me to believe him.

We had always been very adventurous in our lifestyle: dual citizens, traveling and living overseas frequently with our young family. And one time, when we were on a 6 month work trip in South America with our young children he said 'you know, client X would never do this. She thinks I am crazy for pulling the kids out of school and moving to S.A. She is so happy doing her sports thing and living her safe little isolated life. I am so lucky to have met and married such an adventurous, incredible wife who is willing to do these sorts of things with me. You are my dream partner.'

These things happen, for reasons that are beyond us as partners. Because it is not a reflection of us, but of them. Keep repeating this, ad nauseam. The OP is NOT a reflection of what you couldn't offer. The OP is a reflection of what our exes can't feel about themselves.

You've got this, Maika. Whether you got a glimpse of OM or not. You are good, you are worthy, you are better than what she has to offer. And you are certainly better than OM, so next time, walk on by that car without a second glance.

Sage xx

[LH19]

The dude is not on my level physically - he's way less attractive and has a bit of a beer belly; doesn't look like he's active or keeping up with how he looks and presents himself. Granted I saw him briefly and I don't know the dude and my judgment is just very superficial. So, saying all of that, I'm like - you are dating 'this' dude? maybe he's knocking it out in every other department, but oh well.

Nobody wants to be replaced by someone who they deem as better. Most judgements are made based on physical appearance.

lilmanboy was a very similar type of dude and this just confirms what I had suspected all along - exW is still chockful of her insecurities and needs a dude who basically worships the ground she walks. Someone who she can lord over and feel better about herself - that she is more attractive, she is smarter, and a more together individual. I know where her wounds about this come from - not just from my emotional unavailability during the marriage, but also how she grew up and her past relationships before she met me. So, I feel for her for sure because she's hurting even if she can't see it.

Or maybe she feels seen with him. Think back to Wayfarer's post.

At the same time, I felt totally good and couldn't care less about what she was doing with this dude. This revealed to me that my triggering was still all about me and I have a lot of work to do. If this dude was smoking alpha male, I am sure my current insecurities would've heightened. But because what I saw I wasn't impressed with, I could care less.

Ego is big player in the game.

So, in conclusion:
exW is where she's at in her inner work - which is basically nowhere.
I have a lot of work to put in to not let this nonsense get to me like it did.
focus on me more, on her less

This is based on the fact she's dating a dude with a dad bod?

also, this made me realize how I so do not want to be with exW - she has none of the qualities and attributes that I want in a partner and she has done very little inner work. she wants to live some comfortable white picket fence life (nothing wrong with that), but that is so not the life I want.

Slow down M. Like DNJ says "feelings are fleeting". Just a few days ago you were disappointed she didn't want to recon.

I'm glad I never got an opportunity earlier to piece with her - it would've been a disaster. But I'd like to believe that after DBing and doing the inner work over the last few years, I would've ended it as soon as I realized it wasn't going to work. At least now, the silver lining is, that I don't have to go through that at all and be free to find a partner that meets what I am looking for.

So you have an ability to predict the future????? What if in a year she came back completely remorseful?

And importantly, embody the qualities that I am looking for in a partner. I got some work to do in that area and it's exciting. The gym has frikkin' saved me and I'm starting to feel like my pre-covid self.

I am glad you are coming out of your funk. Seems like you may have gotten stuck during the pandemic
which is understandable especially the way your country handled it. Your future is bright my friend.

[Ginger1]

I think we often say our ex’s “affaired-down” based on physical appearance. I don’t think that’s fair. And I’m guilty of saying it. My ex’s OWW is short, very round, and just not all that attractive. Does that mean he chose the bottom of the barrel? No. He affaired-down in the sense that he chose a woman who had no self-esteem abs no regard for the fact my ex was married with a child on the way. She’s a very poor housekeeper, doesn’t cook, and is a hoarder. But she tolerates him and let’s him do whatever he wants. She cares for my kid though. That’s what’s important.

[LH19]

She’s a very poor housekeeper, doesn’t cook, and is a hoarder.

Don't forget she's afraid of balloons too.