Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 12 1 2 3 11 12
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 109
Likes: 1
S
scaredA Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 109
Likes: 1
Hi all, Long time lurker on this forum, first time post.

I was just wanting to let you all know about my situation and how things are going and hopefully get some advice and support! This is quite a long story, so please bear with me.

[b]Background[/b]

I'm 47 and wife is 45, we have two boys 13 and 8. My wife is Russian and I met her whilst I was working out there. We have been married since 2005 and together since 2002. We have always had a fiery relationship with lots of shouting, criticism, defensiveness from both sides. Back in July 2019 we had a really bad bust up and we didn't speak for months. I started practicing the LRT and things improved to the point that by Christmas 2019 we went on holiday with the boys. During the holiday we shared the same bed and my wife let me touch here while we slept. Things moved along rapidly and by Valentines Day 2020 we where sleeping in the same bed at home and making love regularly. My wife was constantly telling me she loved me and times where good. Looking back now, I realise that I let things move to fast and made too many changes to quickly. I also stopped practising the LRT as I assumed everything was back to normal. How wrong I was!
So COVID arrived around April 2020 and we where in lockdown at home, constantly under each others feet. An argument occurred around August 2020 (I cannot even remember what it was about). The resulted in me moving out of the bedroom and starting to stonewall my wife. She started to stonewall back and basically things went on like this where we didn't talk much until September 2021.
During this period my wife threatened divorce may times, even going as far as completing the papers but not filing them. We live and work in a Muslim country and me wife claims the husband needs to file the divorce (though I believe this is not the case, my interpretation is that she wants me to initiate so I can be seen as the one starting a divorce).

Recently[u][/u]

So I really do not want to loose my wife, family or marriage. Around July 2021 I restarted the LRT and I booked 6 sessions with a divorce busting coach. At the time there was total silence from my wife. Anytime I walked into a room or tried to talk, she immediately left the room. Most of the time she sat in her bedroom with the door closed.
Also several times when we had an argument, my wife has told me she is seeing someone else, since 2018. I have not suspected anything, my wife volunteered this information freely without being asked/questioned. I am not sure how true this is as the information seems to be conflicting. She has also blocked me totally on whastapp and her phone. I have no way to communicate with her.
In addition to seeing the coach, I started reading everything I could (MWD, Gottman, Chapman, etc). I started keeping a solution journal. I watched every video I could. So since I have started doing this there has been some small changes and some large changes. Below is a timeline of what has happened:

3rd August - Wife's Birthday- She stayed in bedroom, then came to me in evening and exploded. Asked for a divorce and said she wants to move back to our home country and leave me here with kids.

11th August - Woke me up in middle of night for a big argument. Said she is having sex with other men. Said 5 men when I asked, then changed it to 1 man. Asked for divorce and said she wants to move to our home country. Total silence at other times.

12th August - 1st session with coach

15th August - Big argument. Said she has been seeing someone since 2018. Says she wants divorce and to move home country. I keep my cool and do not defend myself. Say I want to work on marriage and I am going to counselling. Conversation ends with wife saying if I want to start repair I need to buy her a very expensive handbag.

16th August - Go to buy bag. Wife sits in back on car on way there and way back. Says nothing, not even thankyou.

17th August - 2nd Session with coach. Wife has stayed in bedroom with total silence

24th August - 3rd Session with coach. Another argument starts. Wife repeats she has been seeing someone since 2018 and this is my fault. Said she didn't use a condom with him, but not to worry he is clean. There was no mention of a divorce. As of today. 13th October, this is the last argument we have had. It is also the last mention of any affair or sex with other people or of asking for a divorce.

27th August - I was upstairs in study, wife came in and started talking about problems at her job. This was the most we have spoken in about 1 year. The total silence ended this day.

28th August - The whole family went out for a meal for my sons birthday. I made a plan of how I would behave on this evening and stuck to it. My wife said "thankyou for the meal" when we got home.

30th August – I try to initiate conversation, wife says she is tired. Some silence starts again. Wife is in a bad mood in the evening

31st August – 4th Session with coach

3rd September – Wife comes to birthday party for my son and his friends. I try to socialise with other parents (I am not very good at this). Wife introduces me as her husband. Wife unblocks me on whasapp and calls me on phone to go buy some water for the kids.
Back at home wife stays downstairs in living room all night (first time in months) and watches tv with me, but no conversation

5th September – Wife told me off for destroying kids water bottle by putting it in the dishwasher. I just said ‘ok, my mistake, will pay better attention next time’. Didn’t defend myself and situation didn’t escalate

7th September – We live in a rented house and the contract is coming up for renewal. Wife started to talk about a different house she wanted to move to. Suddenly in the middle of the conversation she said she wanted us to live in two separate flats. I said ‘ok if that is what you want’. She changed again and asked me to find out about the house she wanted to move to

9th September – I sent my first whatapp to her. No response. I decide not to bomabard her with phone calls or whastapp as she may block me again.

17th September – Wife asks can whole family go out for lunch together. We all go and have lunch. Wife stays downstairs in evening and has general conversation with me. As she goes to bed, I say ‘thankyou I had a lovely day’ wife replied ‘thankyou’

19th September – I was in a bad mood, so I went to the study to avoid saying anything I shouldn’t say. Later wife came to study and asked ‘What are you doing?’ I replied pleasantly and she sat down and we talked for about 1 hour

I stopped keeping a timeline around this time. Since the 19th September we speak most evenings. She has even asked about my job and told me about some leftovers that I can have. Sometimes she has sat down beside me and our hands or legs have brushed together and she doesn’t instantly move away. However, we are still in separate bedrooms, but now when she is in her room she leaves the door open a lot. She has asked me to book a holiday with the kids in Europe over Christmas. Next week during half term, we are having a staycation for two nights in a hotel. There has been no relationship talk, as much as I desperately want to talk about us and about what she said about seeing another man.
I think there have been massive improvements and things are on the right track. However I am terrified of pushing things too fast and backsliding on my hard earned achievement, particularly in a moment of anger. I am very scared that I cannot trust myself.
My intention is now not to have any relationship talk until my wife initiates it and not to try and kiss/hug her until she initiates it. Which hopefully she will.
Then sometimes I feel dispirited. Is she only doing this for the kids and she still hates me, or does she really want to work on the marriage? I have to keep reining myself in, I find making a plan of what I will do that evening prevents me from saying something stupid or behaving in a way that will take me away from my goal.

Sorry its been such a long post!


End Date 11th August 2022 - One way or the other!
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,999
Likes: 7
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,999
Likes: 7
Welcome! I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome posting for you.

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 109
Likes: 1
S
scaredA Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 109
Likes: 1
So, last night I took my son to his football practice. My younger son had been sick all day and my wife was feeling under the weather in the evening.
Whilst I was out my wife phoned and asked if I could buy some milk. She then said “I have made [son name] spaghetti bolagnese, just the way he like it. If I am in bed when you get home, please get him some, you can also have some too”. This is the first time my wife has made/offered me any food in over one year. I think this is a major step forward!

When I got home my wife wasnt in bed. I ate the food and said it was delicious. My wife said “Good”
We then sat up and talked about a holiday that is being planned over Christmas.

Hi think things are on the right track, but I am terrified about backsliding on my changes. I am also finding it really difficult to detach and not talk about our relationship. Finally, I really dont want things to rush and then forget all about what I want to achieve, which is permenant change and a loving relationship with my wife and children


End Date 11th August 2022 - One way or the other!
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 501
Likes: 9
B
Member
Online
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 501
Likes: 9
scaredA,

Sorry for what's going on in your wife. We've all been there. It's awful. Glad you came here for help though. You'll get through it...

Originally Posted by scaredA
An argument occurred around August 2020 (I cannot even remember what it was about). The resulted in me moving out of the bedroom and starting to stonewall my wife. She started to stonewall back and basically things went on like this where we didn't talk much until September 2021.
Just making sure I have the timeline right. You didn't talk much for over a year? That's a really long time to not talk, especially while living together.

Originally Posted by scaredA
During this period my wife threatened divorce may times, even going as far as completing the papers but not filing them.
If she's threatened divorce and even filled out the paper work I would think this is very serious.

Originally Posted by scaredA
My wife is Russian and I met her whilst I was working out there.
Originally Posted by scaredA
We live and work in a Muslim country and me wife claims the husband needs to file the divorce (though I believe this is not the case, my interpretation is that she wants me to initiate so I can be seen as the one starting a divorce).
So she's Russian and you're living in a Muslim country. Sounds like you're not Russian. Are you from the country you're living in now? Seems like your situation could get complicated legally based on the international aspect. You may want to start understanding the law and where you stand in terms of citizenship, residency, and your kids.

Originally Posted by scaredA
So I really do not want to loose my wife, family or marriage.
I can certainly understand that. Unfortunately it's up to your W at this point, not you.

Originally Posted by scaredA
Around July 2021 I restarted the LRT and I booked 6 sessions with a divorce busting coach. At the time there was total silence from my wife. Anytime I walked into a room or tried to talk, she immediately left the room. Most of the time she sat in her bedroom with the door closed.
What are the coaches telling you in the sessions?

Originally Posted by scaredA
Also several times when we had an argument, my wife has told me she is seeing someone else, since 2018. I have not suspected anything, my wife volunteered this information freely without being asked/questioned. I am not sure how true this is as the information seems to be conflicting.
Seems like usually around here the spouse completely denies an affair until they're absolutely caught red-handed and even then lie about it. If she's telling you she's sleeping with others it sounds like she's really angry/bitter/vengeful towards you.

Originally Posted by scaredA
She has also blocked me totally on whastapp and her phone. I have no way to communicate with her.
Just to clarify...you are living together, correct?

I won't quote all the occurrences, but sounds like she's told you multiple times she's been having an affair with someone since 2018. I'd believe her. This is speculation, but I wonder if the Valentines Day 2020 improvement/sex was related to a fight she had with OM and keeping you on the hook?

What are you doing for yourself? Working out, activities, friends...etc.? Make sure you're doing things to improved your own life.

Sounds like you've moved out of the master bedroom? There's a lot of talk on this board about respect and strength. Right now you're probably acting out of fear and weakness because your W is threatening you with D and affairs. You need to flip that power around. Get strong. Show her you'll be fine without her. Reclaim some of the power. I've seen it suggested many times on here to reclaim the martial bedroom. If she wants to move out, so be it, but why should you be inconvenienced?

Good luck. Keep posting and more people will respond.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 7,102
Likes: 19
L
Member
Online
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 7,102
Likes: 19
Originally Posted by scaredA
I think things are on the right track
I think it is too early in the game to tell.
Originally Posted by scaredA
I am terrified about backsliding on my changes.
You control you and your actions. If you don't want to backslide then don't backslide.
Originally Posted by scaredA
I am also finding it really difficult to detach and not talk about our relationship.
Why? Anxiety and fear?
Originally Posted by scaredA
Finally, I really don't want things to rush and then forget all about what I want to achieve, which is permanent change and a loving relationship with my wife and children
Be patient. One way or another you will eventually find out where she stands. Remember that Rome wasn't built in a day.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.- Will Smith
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,060
Likes: 12
S
Member
Online
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,060
Likes: 12
Originally Posted by scaredA
So, last night I took my son to his football practice. My younger son had been sick all day and my wife was feeling under the weather in the evening.
Whilst I was out my wife phoned and asked if I could buy some milk. She then said “I have made [son name] spaghetti bolagnese, just the way he like it. If I am in bed when you get home, please get him some, you can also have some too”. This is the first time my wife has made/offered me any food in over one year. I think this is a major step forward!

When I got home my wife wasnt in bed. I ate the food and said it was delicious. My wife said “Good”
We then sat up and talked about a holiday that is being planned over Christmas.

Hi think things are on the right track, but I am terrified about backsliding on my changes. I am also finding it really difficult to detach and not talk about our relationship. Finally, I really dont want things to rush and then forget all about what I want to achieve, which is permenant change and a loving relationship with my wife and children

scaredA, if you have been lurking her for a while, been reading and learning from lots of sources, and have had DB coaching sessions, then I will dispense with the usual advice that you already know. You know, GAL, 180s, and detachment. You know all that already.

I would like to focus on one thing that stood out to me:

Originally Posted by scaredA
15th August - Big argument. Said she has been seeing someone since 2018. Says she wants divorce and to move home country. I keep my cool and do not defend myself. Say I want to work on marriage and I am going to counselling. Conversation ends with wife saying if I want to start repair I need to buy her a very expensive handbag.

16th August - Go to buy bag. Wife sits in back on car on way there and way back. Says nothing, not even thankyou.

!

One of the things your research has probably taught you is that women need to respect a man to be attracted to him. sandi, who was an expert in this area, has written volumes on this. Doing things that command respect is very important. That is why the advice here is to not move out of the marital bedroom. If the WS doesn't want to sleep in the same bed then they sleep elsewhere. If the WS is in a PA then you ask them to move out of the marital bedroom. If they refuse, you move them out. Things like that.

So when your W says "If you want to work on the marriage then buy me an expensive handbag." Your answer should have been: "I want to work on the marriage but I will not buy you an expensive handbag." What your WAW/WW was doing here was it is call cake-eating. She say the opportunity to get something she wanted, and she took it. Has she worked on the marriage since this? I know you see a softening, but all of the softening appears to be around you spending money: dinners and lunches together. Trips to Europe. Etc. Where is she actually working on the MR?

Did you running out the next day and buying the handbag mean you were commanding respect? Or did it further erode her respect for you. "All I have to do is say, "if you want to work on the marriage then do this!" and he'll do it!" Not really where you want to be in your marital relationship.

I think you are doing the right thing by not initiating R talks. But when she says "Let's go on a trip to Europe", my answer would be "I am not doing that with a wife that is seeing someone else." Call her bluff. Likely it was another test. "Can I push him to the point of sleeping with 5 other men and still have him ready to buy my expensive things in order to stay together?". See what she is doing here?

I know you do not want a D. However, not getting D'd cannot be your first priority. You have to respect yourself enough to not be walked all over. That is what I see happening her. She snaps her fingers, you jump. Next time she comes up with a great idea to spend a whole bunch of your money, call her out. "Why would we go to Europe for Christmas? You are sleeping with other men and want a D?"

Start standing up for yourself. Command respect. Become a man only a fool would leave.

Yes, she is starting to do things that are a good sign. My only question is whether or not she is doing these because she wants to stay married to you, or because she wants you to spend your money on her.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 109
Likes: 1
S
scaredA Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 109
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by BL42
Just making sure I have the timeline right. You didn't talk much for over a year? That's a really long time to not talk, especially while living together.

Basically yes, there has been some basic conversation around kids. basically my wife sat in the bedroom with the door closed all the time she was at home


Originally Posted by BL42
If she's threatened divorce and even filled out the paper work I would think this is very serious.

I agree, she claims the only reason it hasn't been filed it that she cannot file without husbands permission due to this country following Sharia law. I pretty sure that this is not the case as lawyers have told me so, I have been told you can file by your home country rules if you are both non Muslim.


Originally Posted by BL42
So she's Russian and you're living in a Muslim country. Sounds like you're not Russian. Are you from the country you're living in now? Seems like your situation could get complicated legally based on the international aspect. You may want to start understanding the law and where you stand in terms of citizenship, residency, and your kids.

Yes, I'm Western European. The law here is basically any assets get split by the ratio of who paid for them. But they have no jurisdiction on overseas assets (we own a house back in Europe).


Originally Posted by BL42
Just to clarify...you are living together, correct?

Yes we are in same house


Originally Posted by BL42
I won't quote all the occurrences, but sounds like she's told you multiple times she's been having an affair with someone since 2018. I'd believe her. This is speculation, but I wonder if the Valentines Day 2020 improvement/sex was related to a fight she had with OM and keeping you on the hook?

I'm not sure what to think about the affair. I never suspected or queried her about an affair. All information was volunteered to me. Also, a lot of what she says and does, doesn't make sense. The following all occurred during the same argument:
" I have been seeing him since 2018 and want you to move out so he and I can move to the next level"
"I want to leave this country and move back to Europe and live in our house there"
"I'm not a cheater"
"He is happy with his wife"
"He says nice things to me"
I asked her to prove the affair by showing me his txt message "I delete them as soon as I read them"
"People usually keep these things secret, I am telling you"
"We didn't use condoms, don't worry he is clean"
Two minutes later "We used condoms"
"I have never been with another man since I met you"
"I thought "Why not" when sex came up"
"Now every time I go out you will be worried where I am"
"I don't want to talk about him with you"
"I not going to stop seeing other men"


After this discussion she didn't leave the house, except going to work, for two weeks.

My DB coach suggested I do not ask about or discuss the affair with her. My coach suggests that if my wife brings it up again, I should not ask questions just say "It hurts me very much to hear you say things like that".
The affair has been brought up voluntarily three times. There has been no mention of it since the the 24th August.

Originally Posted by BL42
What are you doing for yourself? Working out, activities, friends...etc.? Make sure you're doing things to improved your own life.

I'm exercising, reading a lot and spending time with my kids.

Originally Posted by BL42
Sounds like you've moved out of the master bedroom? There's a lot of talk on this board about respect and strength. Right now you're probably acting out of fear and weakness because your W is threatening you with D and affairs. You need to flip that power around. Get strong. Show her you'll be fine without her. Reclaim some of the power. I've seen it suggested many times on here to reclaim the martial bedroom. If she wants to move out, so be it, but why should you be inconvenienced?

Good luck. Keep posting and more people will respond.

Yes, I was the one who moved out, over one year ago. She didnt ask me to move out. In fact she asked me to move back in again around about 10 months ago. I refused and said I did not want to. Im not sure if I should make a confrontation about the bedroom at the moment, after two months of no arguments and some improvement in the situation.

I appreciate your advice!


End Date 11th August 2022 - One way or the other!
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 109
Likes: 1
S
scaredA Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 109
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by LH19
I think it is too early in the game to tell.

Yes, Im not sure, but I can see some signs of at least softening

Originally Posted by LH19
You control you and your actions. If you don't want to backslide then don't backslide.

Easier said than done. I'm worried for two reasons:
1) Loosing myself in a moment of anger
2) Becoming complacent and forgetting to apply the lessons I have learnt (This is what happened the previous time and because things improved so fast and everything went back as it was. I really want to be slow and steady.

Originally Posted by LH19
I am also finding it really difficult to detach and not talk about our relationship.
Why? Anxiety and fear?

Mostly longing contact with my wife. I am really trying hard not to initiate any conversation with here, or appear to be hanging around wanting to talk to her. For example I am upstairs writing this in the study with the door closed. The kids are downstairs. I have just heard my wife walk downstairs and I feel the urge to go downstairs and see if she is staying downstairs or going out. If she is going up, is she all dressed up or just going to the shops. I struggle to control this urge, even though I know it makes me appear needy and clingy.

Originally Posted by LH19
Be patient. One way or another you will eventually find out where she stands. Remember that Rome wasn't built in a day.

Thanks, I really appreciate your advice. I need to work on my patience!


End Date 11th August 2022 - One way or the other!
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 109
Likes: 1
S
scaredA Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 109
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by SteveLW
One of the things your research has probably taught you is that women need to respect a man to be attracted to him. sandi, who was an expert in this area, has written volumes on this. Doing things that command respect is very important. That is why the advice here is to not move out of the marital bedroom. If the WS doesn't want to sleep in the same bed then they sleep elsewhere. If the WS is in a PA then you ask them to move out of the marital bedroom. If they refuse, you move them out. Things like that.

So when your W says "If you want to work on the marriage then buy me an expensive handbag." Your answer should have been: "I want to work on the marriage but I will not buy you an expensive handbag." What your WAW/WW was doing here was it is call cake-eating. She say the opportunity to get something she wanted, and she took it. Has she worked on the marriage since this? I know you see a softening, but all of the softening appears to be around you spending money: dinners and lunches together. Trips to Europe. Etc. Where is she actually working on the MR?

Did you running out the next day and buying the handbag mean you were commanding respect? Or did it further erode her respect for you. "All I have to do is say, "if you want to work on the marriage then do this!" and he'll do it!" Not really where you want to be in your marital relationship.

I think you are doing the right thing by not initiating R talks. But when she says "Let's go on a trip to Europe", my answer would be "I am not doing that with a wife that is seeing someone else." Call her bluff. Likely it was another test. "Can I push him to the point of sleeping with 5 other men and still have him ready to buy my expensive things in order to stay together?". See what she is doing here?

I know you do not want a D. However, not getting D'd cannot be your first priority. You have to respect yourself enough to not be walked all over. That is what I see happening her. She snaps her fingers, you jump. Next time she comes up with a great idea to spend a whole bunch of your money, call her out. "Why would we go to Europe for Christmas? You are sleeping with other men and want a D?"

Start standing up for yourself. Command respect. Become a man only a fool would leave.

Yes, she is starting to do things that are a good sign. My only question is whether or not she is doing these because she wants to stay married to you, or because she wants you to spend your money on her.


I agree the "bag incident" probably was not what I should have done. However, this came after nearly one year of not speaking to my wife and at a time that there had been total silence for nearly two months. Since this time we are at least on speaking terms.

I moved out of the marital bedroom around 1 year ago. About 10 months ago she asked me back and I refused.

I'm not sure about making a fuss about this at the minute. From what I know about my wife if I make a big argument about anything at the moment she will retreat back into her shell and go back to staying in her bedroom all day.


End Date 11th August 2022 - One way or the other!
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 109
Likes: 1
S
scaredA Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 109
Likes: 1
Ok, right now I feel like crap. After reading you guys responses I have done nothing but worry that there is an affair going. My wife went out Friday night, really dresses up to the nines. She was out from around this 7:30 and arrived home about 11 pm. I was in bed when she got back, but she sat up with my oldest son and went to bed around 1am.

There has been no further mention from her about the affair (and hasnt been for two months - it was talked about during three arguments and all information was volunteered, I didnt even ask if she was having an affair, it was just told to me that she was) but for some reason it is going over and over in my head and I cannot really sleep or focus at work!

Should I ask about it, or tell her how i feel? I think if I confront her she will go back to not speaking again and sitting in her room with the door closed. At least there is some communication currently.


End Date 11th August 2022 - One way or the other!
Page 1 of 12 1 2 3 11 12

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard