WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Divorced Anyway (5)

[OnlyBent]

Made it a point not to date until after D was official - moral thing for me and my kids - but really haven't done much there since the D either.

Interested to hear more about this BL. What has happened? Are you planning to think about dating more going forward?

I do want more stability for the kids at some point and could see myself getting along with a new man in their lives in the future, but greatly prefer someone who did not sleep with my wife and move in with my kids right off the bat.

Completely understandable, I feel the same way. At the same time knowing it is completely out of our control.

There's a great quote I can't find at the moment, but it goes something like: "You can choose to be interested in your kid's life, but you can't choose what they're interested in." Wish I had the exact words, but that always stuck out with me. For example, I've never been into fishing but S6 tried it at a friend's lake house during the Summer of separation and really liked it and said he wanted to do it again, so I bought him a real rod and reel for his birthday and we went out several times this Summer and he's caught a few fish he's so excited about, so it became a cool bonding activity.

^^^^^This. Not only is it fun and rewarding at the time, but will continue to pay dividends as they grow up. Keep it up BL, awesome stuff on the parenting front!

[BL42]

Made it a point not to date until after D was official - moral thing for me and my kids - but really haven't done much there since the D either.

Interested to hear more about this BL. What has happened? Are you planning to think about dating more going forward?

Nothing serious. Think I mentioned in my previous thread I signed up for a few dating apps a month or two after the D finalized, matched with a few woman, and met up with one. I had a really awkward feeling driving to the date (first and only post-D), but ended up having a good time/conversation, although she told me about how she BD'd her Ex which was a red flag for me now. She invited me over to her place a week or two later and we hooked up. It was fun but to be honest probably weren't a great match. The texts fell off on both sides and I ended up seeing her out on a date with another guy a few weeks later. I wasn't upset or anything - no big deal. I've done some dating app swiping since, and am open to more dates if it feels right, but really haven't made it a priority. Kids are #1, then work, grad school, GAL...etc.

There's a great quote I can't find at the moment, but it goes something like: "You can choose to be interested in your kid's life, but you can't choose what they're interested in." Wish I had the exact words, but that always stuck out with me. For example, I've never been into fishing but S6 tried it at a friend's lake house during the Summer of separation and really liked it and said he wanted to do it again, so I bought him a real rod and reel for his birthday and we went out several times this Summer and he's caught a few fish he's so excited about, so it became a cool bonding activity.

^^^^^This. Not only is it fun and rewarding at the time, but will continue to pay dividends as they grow up. Keep it up BL, awesome stuff on the parenting front!

Thanks OB! Love those kiddos and really do feel like I'm crushing it as a dad, especially considering the circumstances.

[BL42]

Adding to my GAL, I joined a gym with a buddy this week.

It's good to have someone else to go with to hold me accountable on going and also guide me through a routine as he knows what he's doing. Chest & back the first night, arms (bis & tris) last night, and legs next session...plus some abs worked in. It's been many years since I went to a gym to lift weights. I'm definitely sore, but feel good about it.

Probably should've gotten into this 6 months or a year ago when I was super slim due to my "sitch weight loss" (lost 30lbs; have gained back 10-15) - I'd be ripped right now - but had a lot to deal with and was focusing on the kids. Plus there's no time like the present, right?

I'm probably above average physical condition relative to my age, but it's time to really get in shape. Many on this forum have suggested it to work out the emotions as well, so hoping it helps there too.

[bttrfly]

yep. good call on that GAL BL. And you know what? Putting the kids first is always the right call imho, so good call on that as well !!!

[LH19]

I had a really awkward feeling driving to the date (first and only post-D), but ended up having a good time/conversation

This will happen for awhile. Then you won't blink an eye anymore.

Although she told me about how she BD'd her Ex which was a red flag for me now. [/quote
Interesting that it's a red flag for you but you slept with her anyways. Like Wayfarer told Bent, don't project your pain and trauma on to other people.
She invited me over to her place a week or two later and we hooked up. It was fun but to be honest probably weren't a great match.

Getting the first one out of the way is a big step. The next ten will be a lot easier lol.

The texts fell off on both sides and I ended up seeing her out on a date with another guy a few weeks later. I wasn't upset or anything - no big deal.

Why would you be?

I've done some dating app swiping since, and am open to more dates if it feels right, but really haven't made it a priority. Kids are #1, then work, grad school, GAL...etc.

Sounds like you got your priorities in order BL.

BTW I think you give really good advice on other peoples threads. Keep it up. You are doing great!

[Ginger1]

All good stuff.

Im going to give you a little info from a long time divorced long time single woman on these apps dating through every stage you can imagine .

DO NOT put “my kids are my number one priority” on your dating profile. Ever. It’s a hard swipe left for me. And I am a pretty dedicated mother single parenting for 14 years .

Kids are always a priority. I feel like should be a given and never announced. Parents prioritize their kids. Duh. Some crappy parents out there that don’t, but you’ll see that through action.

Take care of your kids take care of you, and when you feel like dating is something you want to do and dedicate some time to do it right, go for it . And when you do, remember it’s not making something else not a priority in your life. It’s making room for another one !

[kml]

Hmmm...interesting, Ginger. I didn't really date guys with younger kids (because of my age and because I avoided guys who had young children as I really wasn't interested in reliving that phase of child-rearing - I would have been ok with someone with teens). However, if I had read a profile where a guy said his kids were his number one priority, that would have been a plus not a negative. I still remember telling something about my ex to my first guy I dated after my divorce, and he was shocked at how my ex behaved as a parent. His kids were in their late 20's/early 30's at that time, and he couldn't fathom my ex's selfishness in regards to our kids. I found that REALLY attractive!

[Ginger1]

Hmmm...interesting, Ginger. I didn't really date guys with younger kids (because of my age and because I avoided guys who had young children as I really wasn't interested in reliving that phase of child-rearing - I would have been ok with someone with teens). However, if I had read a profile where a guy said his kids were his number one priority, that would have been a plus not a negative. I still remember telling something about my ex to my first guy I dated after my divorce, and he was shocked at how my ex behaved as a parent. His kids were in their late 20's/early 30's at that time, and he couldn't fathom my ex's selfishness in regards to our kids. I found that REALLY attractive!

One would think, right? I used to think so. But the men who just had to mention their kids are their priority in their dating profile ( why should it even have to be said) we’re not good potential partners at all.

Most used their kids as a way of avoiding being a good partner. It was more of an announcement of “maybe I’ll fit you in somewhere” the ones who made the grand announcement also feel like only their lives are appointment , they act like they are the only one who have ever been a single parent and men seems to want some extra kudos for a being a decent parent. My ex boyfriend M just kept going on and on about how his son is first and what a great dad he was and obsessed over his kid and criticized the parenting of strangers. I slowly realized he was insecure in his role and really wanted to be his sons favorite over his mom.

The guy who ended up being a patient in my hospital going through severe alcohol withdrawals and liver failure also went on and on and on about his kids are number 1 and what an awesome parent he was. He ended up losing his kids for a while.

One guy I am dating is a father to a 3 and 5 year old. He has 50% custody, never goes on and on about being an awesome dad, but he low key is. He’s just being a dad. He doesn’t need or want accolades. He is just a great dad because he is and doesn’t need to prove it to anyone. We were hanging out the other night and he was telling me about how he loses patience sometimes and looks forward to his day off after 5 days on because he needs it. He doesn’t pretend like he loves every minute of it. He’s real.

And that’s what I find really really sexy

[Ginger1]

I can’t edit. Arrrgggghhhh!

[BL42]

LH19,

The texts fell off on both sides and I ended up seeing her out on a date with another guy a few weeks later. I wasn't upset or anything - no big deal.

Why would you be?

I wouldn't. There's just a lot of attachment issues mentioned on the board, so thought I'd point out I wasn't worried about it "not working out" with very the first person I went out with post-D.

I've done some dating app swiping since, and am open to more dates if it feels right, but really haven't made it a priority. Kids are #1, then work, grad school, GAL...etc.

Sounds like you got your priorities in order BL.

BTW I think you give really good advice on other peoples threads. Keep it up. You are doing great!

Thanks LH!