Legally separated, in our homes...

[Mach40]

Its been a long time since I posted here.. So, here it goes.
We legally signed our paperwork to technically be separated in South Carolina.
Lawyers say its one step closer to divorce, and we already met the one year requirement to where it can be filed immediately.
Here is my problem. My wife is a super good person, but I ruined the marriage. She loves peace and harmony and doesnt want to hurt anyones feelings. She has been numb to me for some time, and is pretty depressed. Not seeking therapy, just works her butt off to avoid dealing with it.
Well, she left me a few years ago, and eventually bought a home, has all the animals and kids living with her.. She is effectively on her own except health insurance as I provide that through my retirement.
With her being gone, I was under the impression she was trying to find herself to see if she wanted to come back and reconcile. We do all holidays, birthdays etc together as if we are still family.
Well, I found out that she has started the dating pool, and hates it according to her and family.. So, everyone apparently knew and assumed I did too.
I emotionally cant see myself accepting this, and now I dont want to be around her any more..
I havent dated at all since she left..
I know this may seem common, but if the group here can decipher and help guide me I would appreciate it.

[BL42]

Mach40,

Welcome back. Just read through your threads.

I'm a bit confused...can you clarify some details?

1) What month & year was the first separation? (after 3 years of moving in and out of the house)
2) What month & year did she buy a new house?
3) What month & year was the separation maintenance agreement / divorce lite filed in family court?
4) How old are you, your wife, your kids & stepkids, and grandkids?
5) Are you paying any spousal maintenance or child support?
6) What is the custody agreement?

With her being gone, I was under the impression she was trying to find herself to see if she wanted to come back and reconcile.

After 3 years of back and forth and another year and a half under a separation agreement you thought she was thinking of coming back and reconciling? Did she ever give you any indication to believe she wanted to?

We do all holidays, birthdays etc together as if we are still family.

How do you feel about that?

Well, I found out that she has started the dating pool, and hates it according to her and family.. So, everyone apparently knew and assumed I did too.

Confused here. Everything assumed you knew she was dating or you knew she hates it?

I emotionally cant see myself accepting this,

Accepting what? Her dating?

and now I dont want to be around her any more..

Doesn't sound like you have any need to be around her.

I havent dated at all since she left..

Why is that? Moral thing (I refused to before D was finalized), just not interested in it personally, thinking it might help her come back if you didn't?

Can you tell us what you're hoping will happen? What result you'd like?

[Mach40]

[/b]

Mach40,

Welcome back. Just read through your threads.

I'm a bit confused...can you clarify some details?

1) What month & year was the first separation? (after 3 years of moving in and out of the house)
[b]Official Date is Sept 2019, as we filed the year to be up at Sept 2020.
2) What month & year did she buy a new house? June 2020
3) What month & year was the separation maintenance agreement / divorce lite filed in family court? Finalized in court January 2021
4) How old are you, your wife, your kids & stepkids, and grandkids?54/52/30/21
5) Are you paying any spousal maintenance or child support? Zero Support unless divorced ( then 550 for health)
6) What is the custody agreement? None, kids over 18

With her being gone, I was under the impression she was trying to find herself to see if she wanted to come back and reconcile.

After 3 years of back and forth and another year and a half under a separation agreement you thought she was thinking of coming back and reconciling? Did she ever give you any indication to believe she wanted to?
[b]She did, but in her subtle ways. She is too darn polite to tell me to go away and apparently didnt want to hurt my feelings. Her Mother just passed and one thing her Mother told her was, look out for her feelings first and dont worry about mine...[/b]

We do all holidays, birthdays etc together as if we are still family.

How do you feel about that? I sometimes feel like its normal. This Thanksgiving and Christmas wont, due to her Mom passing. But, I am starting to think if she were to be dating someone, it will have to change to bring him into the picture. If she were to get serious. I wont do well with that.

Well, I found out that she has started the dating pool, and hates it according to her and family.. So, everyone apparently knew and assumed I did too.

Confused here. Everything assumed you knew she was dating or you knew she hates it?
She has stated she hates it..
Apparently the Kids and her Mother knew. Mom just passed away 3 weeks ago. No one told me. Youngest daughter knew, but keeps secrets, out of respect for everyone. Oldest is too busy with 3 kids, but wont get involved. She is hands off.

I emotionally cant see myself accepting this,

Accepting what? Her dating? I cant accept her dating someone else, hurts me pretty bad.. After knowing her for 30 years, and married since 2004, its hard to just stop loving her, especially when I was at fault..

and now I dont want to be around her any more..

Doesn't sound like you have any need to be around her. Interesting. Why do you say that?

I havent dated at all since she left..

Why is that? Moral thing (I refused to before D was finalized), just not interested in it personally, thinking it might help her come back if you didn't? I was not ready to date, and it would not have been fair to the other person as my mind wouldnt be focused on her. Thats why its hard to understand why she is dating.. She has said she is not ready, but said, its part of the process.. Not sure of the process she speaks of... maybe to figure out if there is something better out there? I am plan B? Not sure.

Can you tell us what you're hoping will happen? What result you'd like?

I was hoping to reconcile.. We get along great now that everything has been talked about. I think now she is just not wanting to ever repeat it again, or want it to repeat again. She has said, if she were to get back with me, she would be vulnerable and worried it would happen again. I cant ensure it wont to her, other than through actually doing it.. I am not the same person as before. Counseling, professional has brought to light my issues, and I am good with myself. I am aware of where I failed and such..Short version of course.
[b][/b]

[BL42]

Mach40,

Did she ever give you any indication to believe she wanted to?

She did, but in her subtle ways. She is too darn polite to tell me to go away and apparently didnt want to hurt my feelings. Her Mother just passed and one thing her Mother told her was, look out for her feelings first and dont worry about mine...

How recently have the two of you had a relationship / reconciliation talk?

We do all holidays, birthdays etc together as if we are still family.

How do you feel about that?

I sometimes feel like its normal. This Thanksgiving and Christmas wont, due to her Mom passing. But, I am starting to think if she were to be dating someone, it will have to change to bring him into the picture. If she were to get serious. I wont do well with that.

Yes, someone on the dating front could change the Holiday arrangements but it also sounds like that may be a ways away if there's no one serious and she's not loving the dating scene.

I cant accept her dating someone else, hurts me pretty bad.. After knowing her for 30 years, and married since 2004, its hard to just stop loving her, especially when I was at fault..

I can certainly understand the hurt there. Sorry.

and now I dont want to be around her any more..

Doesn't sound like you have any need to be around her.

Interesting. Why do you say that?

Just meant to say if you don't want to be around her you have the choice not to be. You're living apart with no young children. If you choose to, you could probably never see her again (or at least rarely), but sounds like you're hurting at the possibility of her dating and would like to be around her along with a reconciliation.

I was not ready to date, and it would not have been fair to the other person as my mind wouldnt be focused on her.

That's a pretty reasonable / mature stance. I respect that.

Thats why its hard to understand why she is dating.. She has said she is not ready, but said, its part of the process.. Not sure of the process she speaks of... maybe to figure out if there is something better out there? I am plan B? Not sure.

You two have had problems and have been separated / nearly divorced for quite awhile now. I imagine she's interested to see what's out there. Have you ever discussed with her why she hasn't filed the separation agreement as a formal / legal divorce?

I was hoping to reconcile.. We get along great now that everything has been talked about. I think now she is just not wanting to ever repeat it again, or want it to repeat again. She has said, if she were to get back with me, she would be vulnerable and worried it would happen again. I cant ensure it wont to her, other than through actually doing it.. I am not the same person as before. Counseling, professional has brought to light my issues, and I am good with myself. I am aware of where I failed and such..Short version of course.

Have you had a relationship talk recently? I know those tend to be frown on around here but it seems like your situation is a bit different from many of the newcomer threads with a clear affair and running off with another person. You've had time apart, you've spent Holidays together for awhile (I'm assuming amicably), neither of you are rushing the D, if what you heard is right she's frustrated with the dating world and has given you hint of wanting to reconcile. I wonder if broaching the subject to see where she stands wouldn't be warranted in this case. I'm no expert though, who knows...others may disagree.

[Mach40]

Mach40,

Did she ever give you any indication to believe she wanted to?

She did, but in her subtle ways. She is too darn polite to tell me to go away and apparently didnt want to hurt my feelings. Her Mother just passed and one thing her Mother told her was, look out for her feelings first and dont worry about mine...

How recently have the two of you had a relationship / reconciliation talk? Its been over 6 months, but it was more her talking about how if she did, she didnt want it to go back to what it was.. Chase her, get her, then relax and go back to complacency. I get that. It will have to be a continuous working effort on both our parts.

We do all holidays, birthdays etc together as if we are still family.

How do you feel about that?

I sometimes feel like its normal. This Thanksgiving and Christmas wont, due to her Mom passing. But, I am starting to think if she were to be dating someone, it will have to change to bring him into the picture. If she were to get serious. I wont do well with that.

Yes, someone on the dating front could change the Holiday arrangements but it also sounds like that may be a ways away if there's no one serious and she's not loving the dating scene.

I cant accept her dating someone else, hurts me pretty bad.. After knowing her for 30 years, and married since 2004, its hard to just stop loving her, especially when I was at fault..

I can certainly understand the hurt there. Sorry.

and now I dont want to be around her any more..

Doesn't sound like you have any need to be around her.

Interesting. Why do you say that?

Just meant to say if you don't want to be around her you have the choice not to be. You're living apart with no young children. If you choose to, you could probably never see her again (or at least rarely), but sounds like you're hurting at the possibility of her dating and would like to be around her along with a reconciliation. It would be easy to disappear. She usually calls about every 4 to 5 days, if I havent in the time frame, just to check in and say Hey

I was not ready to date, and it would not have been fair to the other person as my mind wouldnt be focused on her.

That's a pretty reasonable / mature stance. I respect that.

Thats why its hard to understand why she is dating.. She has said she is not ready, but said, its part of the process.. Not sure of the process she speaks of... maybe to figure out if there is something better out there? I am plan B? Not sure.

You two have had problems and have been separated / nearly divorced for quite awhile now. I imagine she's interested to see what's out there. Have you ever discussed with her why she hasn't filed the separation agreement as a formal / legal divorce?
She says filing for divorce would make it too final..

I was hoping to reconcile.. We get along great now that everything has been talked about. I think now she is just not wanting to ever repeat it again, or want it to repeat again. She has said, if she were to get back with me, she would be vulnerable and worried it would happen again. I cant ensure it wont to her, other than through actually doing it.. I am not the same person as before. Counseling, professional has brought to light my issues, and I am good with myself. I am aware of where I failed and such..Short version of course.

Have you had a relationship talk recently? I know those tend to be frown on around here but it seems like your situation is a bit different from many of the newcomer threads with a clear affair and running off with another person. You've had time apart, you've spent Holidays together for awhile (I'm assuming amicably), neither of you are rushing the D, if what you heard is right she's frustrated with the dating world and has given you hint of wanting to reconcile. I wonder if broaching the subject to see where she stands wouldn't be warranted in this case. I'm no expert though, who knows...others may disagree.

We have been amicable during B days and all holidays. My lawyer was making comments, that in her 17 years of doing this, she has never had a couple be this amicable. She spoke with the wifes lawyer and said she was very easy to work with too. Lawyer felt like we werent going to get divorced. It was a comforting yet strange thing for her to say that.

[LH19]

M,

I think you should ask to move your thread back to newcomers and you will get more responses.

It can take a really long time for resentment to subside, especially when you remain in contact with one another.

Right now you are in a tough spot because you are clearly plan B right now. Luckily for you dating at middle age is a nightmare for most women.

Right now you can ride it out and see if she gives up on dating and gives you another chance or you can push the envelope and in a loving way you can basically tell her she is either in or out. If you have that conversation and she says she out you have to walk and never look back.

Either way you need to be less available. She needs to feel that she may lose you. Until that happens she is just going to keep doing her own thing until eventually she meets a decent guy.

If you have truly changed and you know your value you will not wait around forever so the clock is ticking and you need to figure out what you are going to do moving forward.

[Mach40]

Thank you LH19. Great advice. I dont wish ill on her, and I know the market for 50 plus year ladies is hard, due to the men in that category, lots of baggage either way..
Its the mental image of her smiling with and relations with another man that is hard.
She has made comment to the same my way, how it would make her very jealous.. But, that is wronng in using someone to get someone back.
One thing I forgot she did mention is she has noticed a huge change in me for the positive. It really happened when my oldest had her baby, and man that grand baby really melted me. She and I are so close, and I know she sees that as a positive.. Compared to when I was trying to help raise my oldest, she was a handful to say the least. She was a teenager, and my step daughter and hated me.. That caused allot of problems.

[Mach40]

Hey Everyone, I am attempting to relocate my new thread to this section.
Hopefully it works.
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2924390#Post2924390

[LH19]

One thing I forgot she did mention is she has noticed a huge change in me for the positive.

Well this is obviously a good sign but talk is cheap my friend. Her actions of being separated and filing for separation paint a different story.

When a woman's heart hardens it takes a really long time to soften if ever. 3 years is a long time.

[BL42]

Mach40,

The way you're describing your sitch feels much different than most fresh WS/LBS dynamics on here with the WS in an active affair and LBS in desperation mode. If there's been space & time, she's hesitant about the D, noticing improvements, and making comments about a potential reconciliation...those seem to be good signs.

It can take a really long time for resentment to subside, especially when you remain in contact with one another.

If it's been 3 years maybe there's some softening?

Right now you can ride it out and see if she gives up on dating and gives you another chance or you can push the envelope and in a loving way you can basically tell her she is either in or out. If you have that conversation and she says she out you have to walk and never look back.

Either way you need to be less available. She needs to feel that she may lose you. Until that happens she is just going to keep doing her own thing until eventually she meets a decent guy.

I agree w/LH. Sounds like she's dipped her toes into the dating world and not liking what she sees...but it doesn't mean she won't find someone at some point so you can't be on the hook forever.

Maybe with the positive signs a discussion with her about how things stand and the D, but be ready to push it forward yourself if she doesn't want to R? There's risk in both. The risk in the former is sh'es comfortable with you playing house on the holidays and having the freedom to explore dating so at some point she finds someone else. The risk in the latter is if she says no are you really ready to move on? If you are, great, but sounds like deep down if you're being honest you'd really rather not.

If you have truly changed and you know your value you will not wait around forever so the clock is ticking and you need to figure out what you are going to do moving forward.

How are your self-improvements and GAL going? Tell us about what you're doing to better yourself.