been there done that. well, the lots of work while married and not being valued for it. being told repeatedly that I contributed NOTHING ... emphasis on NOTHING. not the new lover every month.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
DnJ, I've done that twice--I just ended an 8mo spell, and it was 12-18mo when I was married. A casual relationship focused on the present (like yoga or meditation) and not the future would be a 180.
Lightweight Been about a year right now. Probably about 3 post bomb-day.
For me, it's a lot of fun that two people who care about each other can share but not critical to me. My XW and I were going down the road of decreasing frequency for some years. She had pain and mobility issues plus a reluctance to try things that would have avoided that. I suspect she only participated because she knew it as a way to placate and control me. She was well aware of the impact of sex on me to tighten those bonds. One of the reasons why I would probably not enter into any casual or FWB arrangement.
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I had a good time at the wedding yesterday. It was held at my younger brother's farm so got around a lot of the rules etc that are in place that way. In hind-sight I shouldn't have been but there was a surprising number of Amish there. My cousin started working with crews of them since he was able to drive the van to and from the work-site. Nice people generally - I chatted with a few of them.
My cousin did get a new pair of work-boots for the event - kind of funny to see those big clod-hoppers - but it wouldn't make sense to get separate shoes for just one afternoon. I expect that most of the people there have a pair of steel-toes, one pair of rubber boots and one pair of "going to town" shoes.
Weird dynamics between the bride and groom. A lot of people worry that she's an opportunist as my cousin is undoubtedly a bit naive. She's gotten a new car, remodeled the house out of the deal already. The vows were sealed with a kiss - which was just a quick peck (perhaps he had been told to not smudge her makeup) and then they each more or less wandered in their own directions. I think he's probably early 40s and has about 200 acres of prime farmland. Not my circus.
I was a bit saddened to hear that his side of his family have found out that they have an inherited neurodegenerative disease. It goes all through the family it seems. I know his aunt who definitely has it - she lives about 2 blocks from here. She has been rail thin and has had difficulty walking and presumably with daily tasks for at least the last 10 years or so. Lovely woman who I doubt has a complaint in the world. It's made worse by smoking and drinking so my one cousin - according to his wife - has the brain of a 100 year old as he used to smoke and drink quite a lot. Certainly stopped now.
As I may have mentioned, a good number of my various relatives are anti-vax. I was happy the event was outside. I did smile though as I was talking to one couple and we were sharing stories about our vaccination experience - came up because neither of us can travel to the US despite being fully vaccinated - my brother was there and was obviously uncomfortable with the conversation around how we were doing this to protect those around us.
One of the fall-outs of everything is that I've not been able to see much of my nephew who is now 6. He played shy, then was a goof - running away and hiding with his best friend. We sat beside each other to eat and then both had an errand at the house. I had been asked to bring back the 4-wheeler and (confirmed by his Mom) my nephew drove it back. He was very careful and actually a pretty good driver. I was impressed. It was nice to have broken the ice more with him - he probably only has pretty dim memories of me.
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Had a decent brunch with my son. Sadly, he's really depressed again. He's always had problems with it. I remember when he was young and we would go out for Brunch together just the two of us. I learned to not try to engage with him until he had had something to eat - after he had some of his food today he perked up a bit. But he's really struggling.
He needed his vaccination forms printed off so I offered that he could come by the house after brunch and we'd take care of it. I also invited him to dinner. He declined saying - and seeming annoyed by the fact - that he had an "appointment" to go to. He emailed me a copy and I said that I'd print it off and put it in the mailbox to pick up.
On a hunch, after I picked up some groceries I needed, I drove by his Mother's place and his car was there so presumably that was his appointment. An hour or so later the security camera saw him pick up his envelope so he wasn't there long.
I nudged him about a few things, asking if he's cooked anything new. Usually I get a detailed complaints list about his job, but it seemed too depressing to him. He said that he's not been cooking at all lately - which is highly unusual because he's a good cook who enjoys being creative in the kitchen. I carried a lot of the conversation. He did seem pleased to spend some time with me. I asked if he was going to the weekly poker game which is his usual social outlet - around the corner from here in fact - and he said that he doubted it. He did perk up when we talked about his cats. I'm glad he has "the girls" there with him. I'm sure that those other souls keep him going and pull him out of himself. He cares a lot about them and is a very good "cat Dad".
Having dealt with his depression for some time, especially when it was just the 2 of us here, I know that there is nothing specific I can to "help" - but having a safe person to talk to, a safe place that he could go to (although he absolutely does not ever want to move back in) is hopefully good. I believe I'm non-judgemental, I offer some suggestions if he seems open to them, but don't push anything. As has been said here - I didn't break him, I can't fix him. And really, this is just part of who he is.
I know nothing about his relationship with his mother and OM but I do know that she has a low tolerance for others being depressed or having issues to deal with. She would get quite angry with me any time I wanted to talk about anything I was having problems with, pretty much no matter how minor which is why it was a topic that I learned to avoid.
Ah well - got all that off my chest.
Happy Sunday all.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Sorry your son is depressed. It is hard to watch our adult kids go through such tings and not be able to help. For someone who claims to know nothing about his relationship with his mother, you spend a lot of time speculating about his relationship with his mother. As I have told you repeatedly, stop it! Who cares? She IS his mother so he is entitled to have a relationship with her that has nothing to do with you so you are just wasting your time and energy on something that he's probably not giving much thought to at all. Spend your mental energies elsewhere!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I dunno A, instead of speculating about it, why not just straight up get it all out in the open? Let your son know that if he needs to he can talk to you about his mom, and try to separate yourself from what you hear so you can be his lighthouse.
just my $.02 and worth about as much.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I dunno A, instead of speculating about it, why not just straight up get it all out in the open? Let your son know that if he needs to he can talk to you about his mom, and try to separate yourself from what you hear so you can be his lighthouse.
just my $.02 and worth about as much.
Unfortunately he really doesn't talk to anyone about anything. I'm grateful that he will admit to me about being depressed and usually he has things that he can vent about. He's refused to go to see a therapist. I know that if I push him that he just digs his heels in harder.
I do know that historically that whenever he would visit his Mom that he would always be in a foul mood after - which is why I was curious if that were his "appointment". I've never asked him to "not" talk about his Mom. His Mom on the other hand, assuming she's more or less the same sort of person she was, would undoubtedly be very upset if any information about her personal life got out. He did mention the one other time that he had to go over and let their dog out so he's not hiding anything.
His mother can be difficult. I remember years ago when I was having an issue after she had moved out and I actually reached out to her. Her response was that he was my son and should just do what I tell him. I do hope that they have a mature and respectful relationship, but have my doubts - hence I worry.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Of course you worry about your son. He's your son and you should. What isn't worth your worry is ANYTHING related to your XW and her interactions with him. He's a grown man now and it is on him to manage his relationship with his mom. I have a daughter who is like your son. She doesn't like to talk about ANYTHING and holds most things in. She will occasionally talk to her mom, but mainly because her mom stays all up in her business 99% of the time. I am not going to be that helicopter parent to adults. Just keep letting him know he can talk to you. Keep having brunch, inviting him over, whatever. Don't push for therapy because it doesn't sound like that would work anyway. Keep worrying about him, but let your XW GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Her being difficult is no longer your problem. Her relationship with your son is not your concern either, unless that is something that he wants to vent to you about. Of course, just because he doesn't vent to you about it doesn't mean he doesn't vent to others. Maybe he is tight-lipped to everyone, but maybe he has friends who he can be more open with. That wouldn't necessarily be terribly out of character for a young person.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Two nights of weird dreams. In them my XW and I were a couple again, no whiff of the affair, no reconciliation angst just a couple. I'm putting it down to being to my cousin's wedding. Hopefully they won't recurr.
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A few interesting days at work. I've been in meetings that have also involved senior corporate people that I know well. Every now and then I felt I was getting odd looks from my former boss (corporate secretary) who is also the boss of president I work for now. Probably it's just seeing me in my new role which is different then what he's seen me in before. Superficially I perhaps seem capable and on top of things, but certainly don't feel that way. He would be used to me dealing with tech issues, and talking about sales pipelines and profitability measures. Here he seen me with my hard-hat on, clipboard in hand checking welds on containers as if I actually had a clue what I'm looking at and reviewing tank levels and loading appointments.
My mandate for the last 2 days has been to focus on the meetings while my boss (who sat next to me) kept things moving at the plant by taking over my usual role in addition to everything else he does.
I do seem to be being groomed and I suspect that I've passed a test.
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A bit annoyed - I was supposed to get together with a former co-worker this evening (the lady I used to walk with at lunch for anyone playing the home game) but she had to cancel. I was supposed to buy some girl-guide cookies from her which I send on to the kids and we were going to have a cup of coffee and catch up. Something came up though which meant she had to cancel. Hopefully we can make another day work fairly soon.
Just got a text from an old friend / former employee who has been out of work for a while due to Covid complications. She just got a verbal, conditional job offer. I was one of her references. She can use a break and would certainly be an asset to any team she's on.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Happy Pre-Thanksgiving. Cooking starting today. I'll do up the bread and pie today. My son has requested pumpkin and I have two small pie pumpkins already so will use one for that. My duck is defrosted and ready to go. I'll do turnip and stuffing. The turnip is already prepared. We'll have dinner on Sunday.
One of my neighbours is in quarantine as her daughter is visiting from the US so right now I'm baking up a meatloaf for her. I had texted her first to see if she likes meatloaf and yes she does. I like to think mine is pretty good. I looked for the single-use pans I had to transport it and those are missing. Sigh. I'll pick some more out while I'm doing the groceries shortly.
It turns out her daughter lives in the same city as my daughter. Small world.
Tough night last night - there was a power outage for 2 hours between 2:00 and 4:00 which knocked out my CPAP machine. Going to try to get to bed early tonight I think. Lots to do today though - lots of cleaning especially. I'm trying to decide if I'll give the grass one last cut before winter - it's been warm here and it's up a bit. Leaving it long though is good for the wee critters and the roots so I may leave it. It just looks a bit ragged is all.
Work continues to be tough - my boss continues to be "dissapointed" in me - largely for things I have no real control over. The operations manager I think threw me under the bus yesterday. The guys certainly are unhappy too which is not good - the are feeling rushed which given the nature of what we do is a real concern. It doesn't help that even though it's my responsibility to do the planning that he will suddenly change everything in the morning. He calls it "being flexible". The guys call it crazy. We had planned on doing some work over the long weekend. No real rush - instead on Friday morning the decision was made to shift everything around and stuff it all into one day which then had a cascading effect throughout the day. Grumble. And this was after it was arranged that one of the guys who had the needed skills would come in on Monday to do it.
Well - need to get moving along. The meatloaf is out setting so I'll take it and the fresh bread over when I get back from grocery shopping.
Life is indeed good - I am indeed a very fortunate man with lots to be thankful for. Just seem to be going through a rough patch. It will be good to see my son and celebrate with him. His text response a couple of days ago seemed upbeat so hopefully whatever rough patch he's going through was temporary. I'm starting to put my Christmas lists together (gasp - where has the time gone?) and am thinking about getting him one of those light boxes and perhaps Santa will get me one too.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Been about a year right now. Probably about 3 post bomb-day. 
and reviewing tank levels and loading appointments.