Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,717
Likes: 15
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,717
Likes: 15
Originally Posted by BL42
Also, I don't bring this up with them obviously but do wonder how they feel when during my time I'm 100% focused on them whereas ExW has other priorities to balance.
Well, when you were married, neither of you was 100% focused on the kids, correct? You balanced kids time and couples' time. I'm okay that my son and daughter sometimes don't have me planning events, feel bored, and have to figure out how to entertain themselves. XW's decrease in focus on the kids may be partly or wholly made up for by OM's focus on the kids? One GF I dated was an amazing influence since she fielded questions about tying up hair and menstruation my XW would not. There are a lot of changes in dynamics to get used to. It's hard at first. I'm glad she was able to give you more time with your kids than you expected and hope OM is more benefit than problem for your kids.



Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 506
Likes: 10
B
BL42 Online OP
Member
OP Online
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 506
Likes: 10
Apparently this is a drama-filled week from the ExW side. I swear I'm not seeking it out. At times it feels like I'm living in a bizarro world where everyone is crazy except me...

OM2's sister just texted me inviting S6 and D3 to her daughter's birthday party! (It's scheduled during my week with the kids). It was a perfectly normal invitation on its face, completely ignoring the elephant in the room...as if there wasn't an affair/recent D with her brother involved.

Should I...
1) Not respond at all
2) Respond: "Thank you, but S6 and S3 won't make it."
3) Respond: "ExW was having a physical affair IN THE OFFICE with a married coworker (who has 3 young daughters) while I was at home putting then S4 and D1 to bed...to the point HR & administration had to intervene. When that ended your brother started sleeping with my wife and they immediately moved in together with our two young children...long before we were divorced. I'm sure ExW has worked through all of her issues though, and the two of them will ride off happily into the sunset together - good luck to him! S6 and D3 won't be able to make it. Please do not contact me again."

I'm assuming #1 is the recommended BD approach...but man is #3 tempting.

Last edited by BL42; 09/29/21 04:48 PM.

Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,068
Likes: 12
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,068
Likes: 12
#1 or #2. No need to go nuclear over this invite.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 632
Likes: 12
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 632
Likes: 12
No #1 isn't the DB approach. You're not in a relationship with OM's sister. I suggest option:
#4 Thank you for keeping S6 and D3 in mind, that was kind. I won't be able to swing that. Our apologies or if you must your #2 .

I personally think because you are working on creating boundaries and adhering to your custody agreement this should be a no, and for absolutely no other reason.

I understand that this is a crappy over all situation, but this is what is going on. Ignoring it doesn't make it go away. Dropping your emotional trauma on OM's sister accomplishes nothing. Even if you were to unload on her you'd feel better in the moment and the like sh!t after the fact.

OM's sister didn't cheat on you nor cheat with you exW. And I don't know enough about your sitch so maybe she even encouraged or supported them during the affair. Which I could see why you'd be wary or even a little hostile about her, but all that's pretty irrelevant now. You're not married any more.

What is relevant is your current situation. OM's sister has kids that your kids probably play with and are familiar with. They may even really enjoy playing together. It was a nice gesture. Is it weird? Yup. Probably a little too soon? Also, a yes. But at some point in the near future this will be your new normal. The question here is are going to turn every opportunity like this for your kids to have a good time into an emotional landmine for you because it's with OM's family or are you going keep working through this so you don't have a visceral reaction to a kid's birthday party invite and can make the decision solely based on the kids availability?

BL I think maybe it's time to head over to Surviving the Big D. I've done this all before, but it's been like 10 years for me, my kid is an adult. It's pretty active over there and there's a lot of people who went through or are going through what you're dealing with. That way you can get more voices to weigh in on this stuff.

Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,717
Likes: 15
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,717
Likes: 15
I'd actually tell S6 and D3 they were invited to OM2's sister's D's party and ask if they wanted to go.

The priority is your kids, right? wink

Originally Posted by BL42
It was a perfectly normal invitation on its face, completely ignoring the elephant in the room...as if there wasn't an affair/recent D with her brother involved.
I'm not sure what you're trying to say--your XW broke her vow to you by being with OM2, so OM2 wronged you, so OM2's sister did wrong, so OM2's sister's D did wrong? I get that anything related to OM2 may be triggering. If the party isn't far enough away for you to work through your feelings, consider dropping your kids off for an hour while you do something else.

Originally Posted by BL42
3) Respond: "ExW was having a physical affair IN THE OFFICE with a married coworker (who has 3 young daughters) while.. Please do not contact me again."
This reminds me of when I was 22 or 23, just after my grandma passed, and my extended family cut me off because of how my father behaved. "I'm not my father's son" fell on deaf ears. It's ironic my aunts/uncles lumped me together with him when I want nothing to do with him. Consider OM2's sister and OM2's sister's daughter are separate from OM2 and maybe your kids' chosen friends.



Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 506
Likes: 10
B
BL42 Online OP
Member
OP Online
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 506
Likes: 10
SteveLW,
Originally Posted by SteveLW
#1 or #2. No need to go nuclear over this invite.
You're probably right.

wayfarer,
Originally Posted by wayfarer
I personally think because you are working on creating boundaries and adhering to your custody agreement this should be a no, and for absolutely no other reason.
I agree. I don't plan on having them attend.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
I understand that this is a crappy over all situation, but this is what is going on. Ignoring it doesn't make it go away. Dropping your emotional trauma on OM's sister accomplishes nothing. Even if you were to unload on her you'd feel better in the moment and the like sh!t after the fact.
You're probably right. Fun to lash out but ends up feeling worse after the initial rush ends.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
What is relevant is your current situation. OM's sister has kids that your kids probably play with and are familiar with. They may even really enjoy playing together. It was a nice gesture. Is it weird? Yup. Probably a little too soon? Also, a yes. But at some point in the near future this will be your new normal. The question here is are going to turn every opportunity like this for your kids to have a good time into an emotional landmine for you because it's with OM's family or are you going keep working through this so you don't have a visceral reaction to a kid's birthday party invite and can make the decision solely based on the kids availability?
Feels super weird and way too soon. I agree about taking the high road for the benefit of the kids in the long run, but the ink is barely dry on the D, my kids are young, and weren't friends with this girl before. Maybe in the future it'll be different.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
BL I think maybe it's time to head over to Surviving the Big D. I've done this all before, but it's been like 10 years for me, my kid is an adult. It's pretty active over there and there's a lot of people who went through or are going through what you're dealing with. That way you can get more voices to weigh in on this stuff.
Good suggestion. I considered starting this current thread there because it lined up right after the D was finalized, but I kept it in Newcomers for one more round of familiar faces. Perhaps I'll jump over once this thread hits the limit.

CWarrior,
Originally Posted by CWarrior
I'd actually tell S6 and D3 they were invited to OM2's sister's D's party and ask if they wanted to go. The priority is your kids, right? wink
Nope, that's going a little too far. I hear your point on "what's best for the kids", but not this time. It's way too fresh and raw. It's not like they're asking to go and feeling like they're missing out. They're young and don't know any different. It's not some long-established friendship with OM2's neice or something. They can have plenty of fun and good times with me, family, and other friends doing Fall activities. I don't need to be carting them off to OM2's family birthday party during my time so soon after he sleeps with my wife and moves in with my children.

I'll take the high road and not make a terse/nasty comment, but am taking wayfarer's route of establishing boundaries and not have them attending for now. Maybe in the future it'll be different.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by BL42
3) Respond: "ExW was having a physical affair IN THE OFFICE with a married coworker (who has 3 young daughters) while.. Please do not contact me again."
This reminds me of when I was 22 or 23, just after my grandma passed, and my extended family cut me off because of how my father behaved. "I'm not my father's son" fell on deaf ears. It's ironic my aunts/uncles lumped me together with him when I want nothing to do with him. Consider OM2's sister and OM2's sister's daughter are separate from OM2 and maybe your kids' chosen friends.
Think the difference in that analogy is in your case it was actually your family whereas here it's not family or even my kids' family, it's OM2's (recently AP and now BF's) family. Maybe it'd be different if it were the kids' actual cousins. I don't feel the need to have any interaction with OM2's sister or OM2's niece simply because they didn't directly wrong me like ExW or OM2 did.

I'll probably take #1 and simply not respond, maybe acting as if I had blocked her phone number. I did block all of ExW and OM2's family on social media awhile back - Didn't even occur to me to do the same with the phone contacts - assumed they'd never reach out.

Last edited by BL42; 09/29/21 08:35 PM.

Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,717
Likes: 15
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,717
Likes: 15
Originally Posted by BL42
I don't feel the need to have any interaction with OM2's sister or OM2's niece simply because they didn't directly wrong me
It does seem like you're projecting some of your anger towards your XW for betraying you upon her. I suspect if any other parent whose kids played with yours invited your kids, you'd politely accept or decline (e.g., option #4), right? I agree she doesn't deserve preferential (family-like) treatment, but I wonder if she deserves sub-par (betrayer-like) treatment. It's not her fault you're triggered? You do you. Where you can extend kindness, I think it can help to reduce drama. I'm blessed to get along with my ex.



Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 7,117
Likes: 19
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 7,117
Likes: 19
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by BL42
I don't feel the need to have any interaction with OM2's sister or OM2's niece simply because they didn't directly wrong me
It does seem like you're projecting some of your anger towards your XW for betraying you upon her. I suspect if any other parent whose kids played with yours invited your kids, you'd politely accept or decline (e.g., option #4), right? I agree she doesn't deserve preferential (family-like) treatment, but I wonder if she deserves sub-par (betrayer-like) treatment. It's not her fault you're triggered? You do you. Where you can extend kindness, I think it can help to reduce drama. I'm blessed to get along with my ex.
I’d tread real lightly with your high and mighty CW. You’re a WAS who left his W while she was depressed. Not the same thing as what BL went through. I dig your kindness and compassion but IMO you need to reel it in a little buddy.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.- Will Smith
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,717
Likes: 15
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,717
Likes: 15
Originally Posted by LH19
I’d tread real lightly with your high and mighty CW. You’re a WAS who left his W while she was depressed.
I left my W and took custody when she physically abused my son, after giving her 1.5 years to improve, after getting her emergency psychiatric help so she didn't kill herself (and the children). I make no pretense at being high and mighty, and I may have a broken picker as BL42 well knows, but I'm not ashamed of being a WAS, and I know how in the decade after D I got from a place of anger to positive cooperation. It's a journey. We each share our experiences and BL42 decides what works for him.



Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 584
Likes: 1
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 584
Likes: 1
C-Dub, I will admit that on occasion I have been a little triggered by you justifying why it was ok to leave your XW (not on this most recent occasion). It’s not specific to you but perhaps you could be sensitive that most here have listened to their WAS justify why it was ok for them to walk away.

This is not a judgement as to whether you were justified or not but just pointing out that even hearing you justify may not be received so well from people on this forum.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard