Steve the bottom line is you have no if your W had a PA (50/50 at best) and how you would have reacted. You had a young daughter at the time. You shouldn't judge those who decided to stick it out to keep their families together especially if there is remorse after the PA.
As Mike Tyson said "everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face".
First, where did I judge anyone?
Second, I was clear this is MY boundary. And that there are others that share that boundary and should not be judged for it.
Third, for someone that accuses me of judging you sure do a lot of judging!
You are a different kind of cat, LH!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You’ve been in your wife’s shoes before; does that help you to relate? It sounds like it might have gone either way for you, depending on your feelings towards your spouse, your feelings towards AP, when particular circumstances or opportunities arose. Perhaps same for her? If you see a PA as a dealbreaker, it’s interesting to think the continuation of your marriage was sometimes decided by which events coincided—a die roll. Or maybe the confluence of events was fate?
Traveler, I believe in a high power that had a lot to do with. His plan was, for whatever reason, for her and I to not go all the way with the EAs. I do think LH is right that EAs are PAs waiting to happen. But sometimes, eventually, they fade out before getting to that point. The struggle for me is that I interrupted both of hers. Mine fizzled out naturally before the PA stage. Would hers have? Or would they have ended up in a PA? Only that higher power knows!
But yes, I does help me relate. That mine ended without being interrupted is the big differentiator, and why I still sometimes struggle with the "what if" if I hadn't caught her in the EA stage.
Last edited by SteveLW; 02/09/2206:26 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve the bottom line is you have no if your W had a PA (50/50 at best) and how you would have reacted. You had a young daughter at the time. You shouldn't judge those who decided to stick it out to keep their families together especially if there is remorse after the PA.
As Mike Tyson said "everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face".
First, where did I judge anyone?
Second, I was clear this is MY boundary. And that there are others that share that boundary and should not be judged for it.
Third, for someone that accuses me of judging you sure do a lot of judging!
You are a different kind of cat, LH!
Personally, I don't know how people put up with physical cheating.
The statement above is judgment. I have to keep you honest Steve. You make these statements like "reconciling is harder then going through D". You don't know that and hopefully never will. You have never had to miss a day without your daughter you didn't choose to. You make these statements about dating after divorce and how it should be and no sex before marriage blah blah blah when you have no clue how it is out there. You want to call me on my $hit go ahead. I'm a big boy. I just get tired sometimes with the holier than thow bs that's all. I know you mean well but sometimes I have to respond. Rant over lol.
Steve the bottom line is you have no if your W had a PA (50/50 at best) and how you would have reacted. You had a young daughter at the time. You shouldn't judge those who decided to stick it out to keep their families together especially if there is remorse after the PA.
As Mike Tyson said "everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face".
First, where did I judge anyone?
Second, I was clear this is MY boundary. And that there are others that share that boundary and should not be judged for it.
Third, for someone that accuses me of judging you sure do a lot of judging!
You are a different kind of cat, LH!
Personally, I don't know how people put up with physical cheating.
The statement above is judgment. I have to keep you honest Steve. You make these statements like "reconciling is harder then going through D". You don't know that and hopefully never will. You have never had to miss a day without your daughter you didn't choose to. You make these statements about dating after divorce and how it should be and no sex before marriage blah blah blah when you have no clue how it is out there. You want to call me on my $hit go ahead. I'm a big boy. I just get tired sometimes with the holier than thow bs that's all. I know you mean well but sometimes I have to respond. Rant over lol.
LH again, you are wrong. I'd have to go back and look at the quote. However, there is no way I could even say that since I've never gone through a D! (Dang, it is ground hog's day or something?? LOL You are like a WAS, you drag up the past!)
I believe in dating without sex until marriage. I am not afraid to continue that stance.
How about this. You ignore my posts. And I will ignore yours. Cool feature of the board I recently discovered. The latter is already done.
I will say this, I think your behavior here is pretty telling for some of the problems you have in the past. It is ok to disagree. It not okay to be disagreeable.
Have a great life, I do pray for you as I pray for everyone here. And will continue.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I will say that from what I see Steve normally gives pretty good advice and certainly has done his homework.
Thanks Cadet. It dawned on me that I need to go back and read Divorce Busting again. I've read it through twice, and have read sections multiple times.
The other thing I try to do is not directly disagree with other's advice. We are all entitled to our opinions and to our perspectives. I applaud anyone that his here trying to help LBSs through one of the most difficult portions of their life.
Also, as I've said before, I really think you and job for your time commitment to this forum. I really do give a lot of credit to this forum for helping me through my sitch. I miss some of the old posters that 2x4'd me and gave me such great advice.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
No need to pray for me I am good. Just in the future know your audience. Everyone here including yourself was cheated on and yet we all tried to keep our families together so we could see our kids every day. No need to try to shame us for that. I will look for that post but since you have 9,000 it may take awhile lol.
That mine ended without being interrupted is the big differentiator, and why I still sometimes struggle with the "what if" if I hadn't caught her in the EA stage.
"What evil lurks in the hearts of men?!" You know yours, but can never fully know hers. She didn't PA--she was interrupted. You didn't PA--you weren't interrupted. Makes sense you wonder what could've been. I've never EA'd nor PA'd, nor knowing been EA'd or PA'd. 80% that's my moral code and those I pick. 20% that's circumstances. I can't answer if under the right circumstances she would have PA'd or whether you would have PA'd. The key thing is you found out, you reacted decisively, and she was receptive. Quite the gift horse! Maybe something was watching out for you.
That mine ended without being interrupted is the big differentiator, and why I still sometimes struggle with the "what if" if I hadn't caught her in the EA stage.
"What evil lurks in the hearts of men?!" You know yours, but can never fully know hers. She didn't PA--she was interrupted. You didn't PA--you weren't interrupted. Makes sense you wonder what could've been. I've never EA'd nor PA'd, nor knowing been EA'd or PA'd. 80% that's my moral code and those I pick. 20% that's circumstances. I can't answer if under the right circumstances she would have PA'd or whether you would have PA'd. The key thing is you found out, you reacted decisively, and she was receptive. Quite the gift horse! Maybe something was watching out for you.
Oh I am thankful that it never got that far. For her and for me. Me probably more so. Yes, EAs and PAs are against my moral code too. I know that sounds contradictory, but sometimes I do not live up to my moral code. I fail. I did in having the EAs. One of the EAPs has contacted me multiple times over the years wanting to reconnect, and I have made it clear to her every time that is no longer an option for me. So I have improved in that area and refuse to ever let something like that happen again. My W has said the same thing, that she purposely avoids that. So I think we have both grown in that area.
As I said, there were moments during both EAs that it could have easily gone PA for me, but didn't for one reason or another. More than once it was me pulling back due that moral code. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I was getting that thrill, that ego boost from it and couldn't quite end it completely. In the first one, I ended it. In the second, the EAP ended it.
Traveler, I agree that it was gift horse, and retrospect how it ended prior to PA is less important than the fact that it ended before PA. I think that is your overall point. But I truly believe that it was someONE watching out for US!
Sorry for the stream of consciousness type response! It helped me work through what I said earlier to just think and type.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It helped me work through what I said earlier to just think and type.