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Gigi123 Offline OP
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I wonder if i could get your views.

S7 doesnt like staying the night with H, he is happy enough during the day but when it comes to bed time he gets upset, sobs and says he wants to go home and that he misses me. Most days he ask H to txt me, (h doesnt) some days he asks to call me, h doesnt always let him and then there are times when he does face time me before bed and all he wants me to do is come and get him. Its heartbreaking for me to watch.

So considering his age, he is nearly 8 and a very grown up at that, in in two minds about what is right.
Do we continue with this and let him cry with H until he gets used to it? (Strangely he used to stay there ok, this could he a phase or a reflection of their relationship)
Or do we listen to what our 8 year old is trying to tell us and accommodate that by him not staying the night there?

Any other ideas? Im not sure i can take listenibg to him sob, i obviously dont feel like i can just go there and collect him, but is he just going to resent both of us for making him stay there?

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My W told me she used to ball and beg her mom not to send her to her dad's for court ordered visits. My W had to fly by herself as a minor as her dad lived out of state. She hated going. Unfortunately, that is part of D. If your H won't let him text you, barely lets him call or FaceTime you, then I'm assuming you're husband will not agree to but making him start overnight? You could talk to him about it, but if he refuses there isn't much you can do about it.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
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Gigi123 Offline OP
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Thanks Steve, to be fair to H he probably feels frustrated and feels like letting S7 ring me just escalates things, the moment he sees me he sobs even more and just wants me to come and pick him up. We dont have any court orders, nothing agreed through solicitors either, we are trying to work together for the benefit of the children and out agreement on days and night is very much based on what the boys wanted.

I feel for your wife, the kids are in the middle of it all anyway and have no control and im worried that S will just resent us for it.

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Hey Gigi,

Originally Posted by Gigi
Most days he ask H to txt me, (h doesnt) some days he asks to call me, h doesnt always let him
My custody arrangement doesn't guarantee XW a right to correct my D or S, but it does guarantee my D and S the right to contact XW or myself anytime (practical) they want to. Depending on your state, and custody terms, you may be able to seek remedy if he's blocking that.

Originally Posted by Gigi
Do we continue with this and let him cry with H until he gets used to it?
You ask what "we" should do, but if it's XH's custody time, it's his decision. Has he requested your input or would otherwise be open to it? My S cried whenever he went to my XW for months near the beginning. It was heart-wrenching and my (LBS) XW did little to ease it, a "You wanted this" attitude. In my case, I talked to my son on the phone after transition and was firm that there were no exceptions to the custody transitions and the 25% he was there. In your case, I wonder if your XH would agree to a nightly facetime chat--at both homes? You want your child comfortable with each of you. Maybe be firm how long he has on Facetime and that the outcome isn't going to change? I found my kids challenged me less when they realized a boundary was firm. I'd also consider any stuffed animals, bedding, etc. that contribute to him being calmer at your place. Sorry you're going through this. It was a truly miserable time.



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Hey, thank you, all valid points.

No he hasnt asked me for input, he generally txt me after S7 goes to bed to say please dont worry. Its upsetting for both me and H to see S7 like this.

We dont have a custody agreement, we have an agreement though between ourselves and it allows us to be flexible when needed, for example H had surgery, so couldnt have the boys, he was also really unwell again stayed at home, s7 was very unwell and stayed at home whilst he was ill.

If this was happening 18 months ago, i would totally agree with you, but we are 18 months down the line and it started happening a couple of months ago with S slowly withdrawing from wanting to spend time with H and escalating to these horrible times at bedtime when he is at H house.
I always leave the decision with H when they are there, if he feels like S7 isnt settling he can always drop him off at home and has done before whrn both S6 and s7 begged him to go home.

I do feel for him, but i truly think its an reflection of his relationship with the kids and i cant be responsible for that relationship.

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Gigi123,
Originally Posted by Gigi123
The kid part is the toughest in all honesty
I completely understand. I feel like I can (and have) taken it and worked through it and know I'll be ok, but hate the hurt and impact it's having on my children, whether it's the near term-tears or the long-term behavior modeling.

Originally Posted by Gigi123
So every time they are back from H i spend a lot of time at bed time listening to s7.
That's great you're there for him. He needs that.

Originally Posted by Gigi123
So i guess H sees the situation very differently and most likely thinks that kids are ok and well adjusted now. What he doesnt get to see is tears at bed time at least a couple of times per week.
I don't know how ExW views the kid situation - whether she sees the tears and impact and thinks "they'll just get over it like I did" or whether the kids save that for my house - but have dealt with many crying/breakdowns including 2 mother's days ago when my son (then 4) was looking out the window crying he just wants to see mom on mother's day (don't know for sure, but now believe she was with OM2) or last Fall when he cried for 45 mins about missing mommy while I held him and he fell asleep in my arms. Who knows what your H or my ExW are seeing though, or if it even matters to them. They're probably telling themselves "It'll be better for the kids if I'm happy" to justify their actions, but who knows.

Originally Posted by Gigi123
Sometimes i think it would be good to tell him all of this, but then i also feel like its probably pointless and i would be breaking my sons confidence.
I have the same internal debate, and for better or worse decided to take the "probably pointless and don't want to betray the kids' confidence" approach. The last thing we want is for our kids not to feel comfortable talking to us.

Originally Posted by Sage4
1. Be the strong, stable parent who is always available to lend an ear when needed (you're nailing this one)
Completely agree! Keep it up!

Originally Posted by Gigi123
I wonder if i could get your views.
My personal view is you can't completely protect them from the impacts of your H's decisions. If he continues down this path there WILL be a legally binding agreement for them to stay over, so S7 will have to deal with it at some point. Without an agreement in place you may be able to stand firm for the moment and say "No, the kids are staying with me.". However, your H could then take the matter to court which would likely result in him having time. Have you consulted with a lawyer? If not, please do so (without H knowing!). It's all well and good to do it informally, but behind the scenes you should know your rights, and know how taking certain actions will play in court. Time to start protecting your interests.

In terms of the phone calls/Facetime, my ExW and I have had the policy the parents could call/video chat with the kids on "off" days, and I think that's best for the kids. But your H would have to agree to it in your current informal sitch.

Originally Posted by SteveLW
My W told me she used to ball and beg her mom not to send her to her dad's for court ordered visits. My W had to fly by herself as a minor as her dad lived out of state. She hated going. Unfortunately, that is part of D.
That's heartbreaking. Must've been so hard. Kids shouldn't be put through that situation.

Originally Posted by Gigi123
to be fair to H he probably feels frustrated and feels like letting S7 ring me just escalates things, the moment he sees me he sobs even more and just wants me to come and pick him up.
I think you're probably right about this. I know seeing (in person or briefly on facetime) can stir up emotions and make things harder in the moment. That said, ExW and I have been good about always allowing each other to talk/video chat with the kids when we're away and for the most part that's been a good policy for the kids.

Originally Posted by Gigi123
We dont have any court orders, nothing agreed through solicitors either, we are trying to work together for the benefit of the children and out agreement on days and night is very much based on what the boys wanted.
You're in a bit of a different situation in that your H moved out and you have no formal agreement. Not sure it changes how you should handle whether S7 goes with him or whether you can Facetime, but what's the current schedule, and have you explored with a lawyer how this will impact the eventual custody agreement? You want to position yourself to have the upper hand here if possible so you have the leverage and H doesn't pull anything down the road. Hate to be cynical, but protect your rights.


Me:39 Ex-W:36
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:2
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Gigi123 Offline OP
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Thank you BL, really grateful for your comments. I know everyones circumstances are different and we are also in different countries and so on.

We can D without having a custody agreement and my preference would be to keep that out of court, things change and so far, not without some disputes, managed to agree things re kids. H has them 3 night i have them 4, ultimately i have them more either way, as he is with OW and there are times when he doesnt see the kids 3 nights for whatever reason and i dontt push it, as it means i get to see my kids more! If he took me to court over this the likely hood would be that it would be a 50/50 split, would it be best for the kids? Unlikely as they both say they want to stay at home more and S7 particularly doesnt like OW living with dad, he cant fully relax there and has to constantly manage what he can and cant say.

I would never say the kids are staying with me, but there are times when S7 really struggles and i can see that his anxiety is through the roof, it doesn't happen every time but i would like the flexibility to allow S7 to stay at home if he is feeling like that. Also with S6 having ADHD its actually healthy for them to spend some time apart from each other.

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Gigi123 Offline OP
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Just to elaborate on the flexibility. So yesterday H didnt have the boys, he could have been a bit more organised in letting me know, but he was unwell (or so he says) so he asked to collect the boys from school today,as he hasnt seen them since Friday morning and i say ok to that, although today was my evening and H was meant to collect tomorrow.

Yes it does mean we communicate, but our interactions are business like, and if truly this didnt work for me work wise this week i would tell him.

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Hi All

Nothing to report on, we are in self isolation both kids have covid, however i managed to take some time off work and it was lovely to spend time with them, be it that we couldnt go anywhere.
We are away from Wednesday next week for 10 days, we are all looking forward to it and its S7 birthday too, so we will get to spend that with my family and friends.

Otherwise everything else is at a standstill, but i dont give it too much thought. Only slight concern is H health, he is waiting on some test results and whilst i dont know the details he shared with me his worry, im assuming because it could be serious and will obv affect the kids and me in some way, if he isnt able to have them for example.

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Gigi, good to hear from you. Sorry about the state of everyone's health, always puts things into perspective. Hopefully he will get good news from his tests.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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