Also, last week was the kid's first day back at school. WW drove from PA to my house, parked in the driveway, got out and took pictures of them in their new back to school outfits. They stood outside the front door. This is something she always did each first day back at school. She never said a word to me, then got back in her car and drove off. Someone told me she posted the pics on FB which would have been weird because it would show the front door of a house she no longer lives in.
Hi Drh2001,
Whoever is filling you in on what your WW is posting on Facebook, if they've volunteered info more than once, I'd thank them but ask them to kindly not do so again. It doesn't help with detachment.
Maybe there's some context I'm missing, but I'm not sure why you believe it's weird your XW is taking photos of the kids on their first date of school. Is it that she doesn't feel guilt, shame, etc. and your home's just another backdrop? I was a WAS to my XW (for good reasons), and both of us have taken holiday photos of the kids' in front of the others' place at some point. Never thought twice about it.
WW was there too, all teary eyed. This month would have been our 20th wedding anniversary.
23 years here. IDK what's going on in the world with all the long-term marriages ending over OM/OW.
Originally Posted by Drh2001
I don't think I could ever take her back to be honest if somewhere down the road she wanted to come back. Too much damage has been done and some of my relationships with her friends and family have been destroyed because of her actions.
I am of the same mind. And those mutual friends of ours that welcomed OW into their lives, I've certainly left behind. It helped my grief process to think out taking him back at some point - even if he changed - both families were affected, he hurt our kids, grandkids, so many people. That was another time, a different life and I don't want any of it back.
Originally Posted by Drh2001
So, it's over - but my 180s are not.
Excellent!!
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
This month would have been our 20th wedding anniversary.
It was an uncontested divorce. I bought her share of the house out and have the kids during the school week.
I don't think I could ever take her back to be honest if somewhere down the road she wanted to come back. Too much damage has been done and some of my relationships with her friends and family have been destroyed because of her actions.
So, it's over - but my 180s are not.
Drh, congrats, I know it's not what you really wanted but it's a huge weight off your shoulders and it's onward and upward from here! Your situation mirrors mine, my XW left just before our 20th anniversary. The divorce was uncontested. Our house had been paid for but I had to mortgage it to buy her out. We shared custody 50-50 (every other week in our case) and no child support or alimony. I'm now 10 years down the road and it all worked out quite well, so I think you've paved the way for peaceful co-parenting and coexistence. I did not feel sorrow after the divorce was final, just relief. I thought I might fall back into depression but instead it was turning the page to a new chapter in my life, one that has been quite different than before but filled with fun and excitement. I think you have a lot to look forward to
Another Stander,
Yesterday was two years since BD. Strangely enough I didn't feel depression after I got divorced - just relief that two years of hell was over.
I did want to save the marriage and did the 180s but it was too late - one can hope but I knew deep down it was over.
Her behavior was so awful and the disrespect so bad that I vowed to myself that I would never take her back even if she felt remorse for her actions sometime in the future and wanted to make amends.
She destroyed relationships with my sister in law and a friend of the family, both of whom I got on with for years and never had a bad word to say about them until the day they betrayed me and helped conspire with her to cover up her adultery.
I told her that where there used to be a door she could come back through and start over there is just a wall where I took the door out and bricked up the space it left behind.
Too much damage has been done. She has not only burned her bridges with me but removed the supporting pillars.
Also, last week was the kid's first day back at school. WW drove from PA to my house, parked in the driveway, got out and took pictures of them in their new back to school outfits. They stood outside the front door. This is something she always did each first day back at school. She never said a word to me, then got back in her car and drove off. Someone told me she posted the pics on FB which would have been weird because it would show the front door of a house she no longer lives in.
Hi Drh2001,
Whoever is filling you in on what your WW is posting on Facebook, if they've volunteered info more than once, I'd thank them but ask them to kindly not do so again. It doesn't help with detachment.
Maybe there's some context I'm missing, but I'm not sure why you believe it's weird your XW is taking photos of the kids on their first date of school. Is it that she doesn't feel guilt, shame, etc. and your home's just another backdrop? I was a WAS to my XW (for good reasons), and both of us have taken holiday photos of the kids' in front of the others' place at some point. Never thought twice about it.
CWarrior,
It's not weird that she took pictures of the kids on their first day back at school. This was a tradition she had kept for years.
It's weird that she didn't announce she was coming (she lives half an hour away in another state), never told me in advance she was coming, parked in the driveway, didn't say a word to me, took the photos and then drove off. I don't know what I was expecting.
DRH - I just popped in and read some but not all of your story. It sickens me how much these stories all seem to rhyme. Anyhow, I just wanted to wish you all the best. Nothing more.
Also, last week was the kid's first day back at school. WW drove from PA to my house, parked in the driveway, got out and took pictures of them in their new back to school outfits. They stood outside the front door. This is something she always did each first day back at school. She never said a word to me, then got back in her car and drove off. Someone told me she posted the pics on FB which would have been weird because it would show the front door of a house she no longer lives in.
Hi Drh2001,
Whoever is filling you in on what your WW is posting on Facebook, if they've volunteered info more than once, I'd thank them but ask them to kindly not do so again. It doesn't help with detachment.
Maybe there's some context I'm missing, but I'm not sure why you believe it's weird your XW is taking photos of the kids on their first date of school. Is it that she doesn't feel guilt, shame, etc. and your home's just another backdrop? I was a WAS to my XW (for good reasons), and both of us have taken holiday photos of the kids' in front of the others' place at some point. Never thought twice about it.
CWarrior,
It's not weird that she took pictures of the kids on their first day back at school. This was a tradition she had kept for years.
It's weird that she didn't announce she was coming (she lives half an hour away in another state), never told me in advance she was coming, parked in the driveway, didn't say a word to me, took the photos and then drove off. I don't know what I was expecting.
It's just a strange experience.
I gave up trying to figure out the logic of the WAS mind year ago. They are irrational, strange beasts. Likely she doesn't even know why she ended up there. It was some impulse that said "I need to go take pictures of the kids!" I agree, it is strange, but until your kids are on their own I think the one expectation you can have is that you will never understand your EX's behavior.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It's been mostly quiet though WW is telling me "I left YOU not the kids and I have 50/50 custody."
I told her I'm part of the family, that you can't take me out the equation and say this when a family includes me, the marital home, the kids, the pets, the furnishings and the lifestyle.
I told her she left the marital home, which by extension includes the things that make up a home, so she did abandon the family.
She took up residency with another man and his family and so his home, kids, pets, furnishings and lifestyle became her home, kids, pets, furnishing and lifestyle.
She said I'm laughable and forgives me for my "tunnel vision."
Well, when you look at a telescope the wrong way you will only see a small fraction of what you would ordinarily see.
We all know that logical arguments don't work with a wayward, however I thought it was worth pointing out to her once that she left the family not just me.
As it is, i have my oldest child six days a week. She does duty visits to her mother on Friday. I have my youngest almost 60% of the week.
I also found out she blocked some mutual friends on FB who've been friends of ours for over ten years. They were surprised because they never treated her any differently.
As it is, I'm moving on with my life and start university next month.
Drh, sorry man. Yeah, the WAS usually has their own "version" of things. I don't blame you at all for saying what you said. If nothing else it shows her that you will not be snowed by her characterization of things. I will say, be careful here. Because WWs in particular will go scorched earth to "justify" their actions. False accusations are very very common in this kinds of things. In order to save face she may "invent" abuses to prove that she was "right" in what she did. The easiest one is always emotional abuse. That is why I am very cautious anytime that accusation is thrown about. The way emotional abuse is characterized nowadays anytime a couple has a disagreement one could claim emotional abuse. It waters down true emotional abuse, but do not be surprised if she starts leveling charges like that to justify her abandonment. She knows deep down that what you said to her is the truth.
Also, document everything you just claimed here. Get a calendar specifically to record days you have the kids, and the days they are with her. Write down on the day when drop off and pickups occur. Be meticulous.
As far as the blocking of mutual friends. Not surprising at all. When my wife went wayward, I was absolutely SHOCKED at how readily she was willing to discard people in her life. She even on New Years Eve didn't attend a get together at our best friends' house. She claimed she wasn't "feeling" well. However, I believe she was engaging with the loser OM while we were gone. He had nothing else going on I am almost sure and she wanted to stay home and communicate with him. But her willingness just to set aside people that she felt wouldn't be supportive of what she was doing was astounding.
Glad to see you moving forwardw with your life. Keep on moving forward!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It's been mostly quiet though WW is telling me "I left YOU not the kids and I have 50/50 custody."
She needs to think she's still a good mother, even after moving out of state from her two teenaged daughters. And needs to think you're to blame.
Originally Posted by Drh2001
I told her I'm part of the family, that you can't take me out the equation and say this when a family includes me, the marital home, the kids, the pets, the furnishings and the lifestyle.
I told her she left the marital home, which by extension includes the things that make up a home, so she did abandon the family.
Very true
Originally Posted by Drh2001
As it is, i have my oldest child six days a week. She does duty visits to her mother on Friday. I have my youngest almost 60% of the week.
Good you're there for your daughters. How are they doing with all this?
Originally Posted by Drh2001
I also found out she blocked some mutual friends on FB who've been friends of ours for over ten years. They were surprised because they never treated her any differently.
Originally Posted by Drh2001
As far as the blocking of mutual friends. Not surprising at all. When my wife went wayward, I was absolutely SHOCKED at how readily she was willing to discard people in her life.
So true on the discarding of people in their lives, especially those who wouldn't approve of the behaviors, and embracing those who do approve/encourage it.
Drh2001 - With the divorce finalized, have you explored dating at all?
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
It's been mostly quiet though WW is telling me "I left YOU not the kids and I have 50/50 custody."
She needs to think she's still a good mother, even after moving out of state from her two teenaged daughters. And needs to think you're to blame.
Originally Posted by Drh2001
I told her I'm part of the family, that you can't take me out the equation and say this when a family includes me, the marital home, the kids, the pets, the furnishings and the lifestyle.
I told her she left the marital home, which by extension includes the things that make up a home, so she did abandon the family.
Very true
Originally Posted by Drh2001
As it is, i have my oldest child six days a week. She does duty visits to her mother on Friday. I have my youngest almost 60% of the week.
Good you're there for your daughters. How are they doing with all this?
Originally Posted by Drh2001
I also found out she blocked some mutual friends on FB who've been friends of ours for over ten years. They were surprised because they never treated her any differently.
Originally Posted by Drh2001
As far as the blocking of mutual friends. Not surprising at all. When my wife went wayward, I was absolutely SHOCKED at how readily she was willing to discard people in her life.
So true on the discarding of people in their lives, especially those who wouldn't approve of the behaviors, and embracing those who do approve/encourage it.
Drh2001 - With the divorce finalized, have you explored dating at all?
Hi BL42,
I asked my eldest child and she said she's used to the situation now. She does get sad at times.
As for dating I have no clue what I'm looking for or where to start. I don't think I want to date someone with kids and I don't want anymore of my own. I don't think I want to get married ever again, not after what WW did to me.
I've heard it's difficult to find single childless women if you're a single father, is this really true?
I've been very busy with house projects and still have a lot to do so the time goes quickly.
