I caught up on your sitch and I am struggling with some similar issues and feelings. So far things have been friendly with my STBXH, but I am also trying to pull away. He also acts so normal, cracking jokes, wanting to discuss work or other things....just things that feel normal but without deeper intimacy. Like friends. We are still communicating about moving and the house selling so it feels right to keep up the flow until this period passes, but your sitch has me wondering what it will be like when I push harder to have no contact. I have also felt it’s easier for the kids. Especially as I’m the step-parent. Seeing your strength is inspiring! And I’m excited that you have such a forward outlook for yourself and in regards to making your home purchase!
Your struggle and feelings are totally understandable. And the fact that some of the M reminders do not throw you for a loop shows you are making great progress in letting go. But the stomach issues cause me to wonder if there is still work to be done and your body is still is fight/flee/freeze mode. I’ve been looking into trauma and how the mind and body can be in totally different places (mind is ready to move forward but body isn’t in sync). There is an interesting article in the NYTimes today about trauma that discusses some of that.
As for the statement about the betrayer ever working on themselves, I agree with the others. Most blame us (LBS) and are in complete denial they have anything to work on. Plus, it’s easy to run. Sad but true. But running eventually leads nowhere, but by then maybe they won’t care. My H is running. And he had the whole nice family guy thing going, and couldn’t face people so he changed his number, moved to another state, and changed jobs. I’m actually considering another town to get away from all the familiar memories...but also want to remain a home for the kids. I get that decision struggle.
Anyway, hope your health improves as your journey moves forward (that your body catches up)! You find your dream home, and the partnership works well. All exciting stuff to work towards!
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
Had a fabulous time at the beach resort last weekend. Came back and it's back to my crazy work schedule.
They accepted my offer on the house!! I am in the final days of the loan process, and everything is looking good! The appraisal came back higher than the purchase price, and I am looking forward to decorating for the holidays!! I'm in such a different place than last year. I didn't decorate my apartment, just didn't have it in me, and I was in the academy so that was rough on it's own. Spend one day with my kids at a bowling alley and heard about them all at the ranch with their dad for Thanksgiving. It was a low point, but this year, my own house!
Work is going well but we are short of people, so there has been a lot of overtime. I've had to say no a few times. Also been approached by two other local departments to work there. I'm considering all options.
I am embracing this new life and feeling good!! Haven't heard from XH since I blocked him and feeling such peace about that! Glad I did that when I did, try not to think I 'should' have done it sooner. Shoulds are never helpful, IMO.
Hope this finds everyone well here. Onward and Upward!
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
My S29 just told me that his father and OW are "swinging" with his COUSIN and cousin's wife.
Good news: 1. I wasn't shocked, only slightly nauseated because cousin has been married to wife for 15 years...so...family. 2. Beyond nausea, I felt NOTHING. It was like hearing that my neighbors do it. Meh. Shrug...Whatever works for them.
I am thankful I'm out of that mess. Thankful my kids are grown. Thankful that whatever XH does - does not disrupt my emotional equilibrium.
Switched to days today. I loved it. Have a great partner who is also my supervisor. We had a lot of fun and it was nice to share meals (breakfast and lunch) when I work nights, I ate alone, and when I'm off I eat alone. Doesn't bother me, but it was nice.
Learning a lot and a new professional opportunity has presented itself. Speaking with someone tomorrow about it.
Going to visit a friend in hospital tomorrow who was injured while on duty. I was with him at the time, and it was a very emotional experience for us both. Less so for me but I've found these days, not much really shakes me up. (yay!)
Tomorrow afternoon picking up the grandsons (5 & 8). They will sleep over and we are hanging out at my pool for the day and who knows what else we will find to do.
Life is good. God is great and you guys are awesome.
xoxo
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Isn’t that “nothing” feeling amazing Hope??? You have to go through a bunch of s*it to get there but once you do, the world is your oyster. Good luck with the new professional opportunity!! Hope it works out.
My S29 just told me that his father and OW are "swinging" with his COUSIN and cousin's wife.
I think I just threw up a little. Is that the Deliverance theme I hear????
Originally Posted by 97Hope
Good news: 1. I wasn't shocked, only slightly nauseated because cousin has been married to wife for 15 years...so...family. 2. Beyond nausea, I felt NOTHING. It was like hearing that my neighbors do it. Meh. Shrug...Whatever works for them.
I am thankful I'm out of that mess. Thankful my kids are grown. Thankful that whatever XH does - does not disrupt my emotional equilibrium.
I share that thanks.
Originally Posted by 97Hope
Switched to days today. I loved it. Have a great partner who is also my supervisor. We had a lot of fun and it was nice to share meals (breakfast and lunch) when I work nights, I ate alone, and when I'm off I eat alone. Doesn't bother me, but it was nice.
I remember eating alone when son was with his father or away at school ... at first it was exceptionally painful, because preparing food for my family was my thing. Who am I kidding, for months after BD I couldn't even get through grocery shopping without sobbing in the store. True story. Yes, I was that strange woman crying amidst the produce. I'd forgotten how hard it was to do the most basic things and how far I've come. Thanks for that reminder, Hope. I needed it today.
Originally Posted by 97Hope
Learning a lot and a new professional opportunity has presented itself. Speaking with someone tomorrow about it.
Secure the loan first, then change jobs.
Originally Posted by 97Hope
Going to visit a friend in hospital tomorrow who was injured while on duty. I was with him at the time, and it was a very emotional experience for us both. Less so for me but I've found these days, not much really shakes me up. (yay!)
!!!! hugs Hope. Glad that you're ok and hope your friend heals quickly.
Have fun with the grands ... xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thanks, Bttrfly! Yes, that is scheduled - for sure. Was not an issue due to the nature of the meetup but I am still not taking any chances and at some point I will want to date and other things, so I need to make sure I'm clear for takeoff as I will be asking the same from a suitor.
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Had a great time with the grandsons G8, G5. I picked them up from school yesterday and kept them with me today. I noticed G8 asking a LOT of questions about his gpa and I. When we got married, how we met, why we were now unmarried...etc. He said "Gpa said you don't like him anymore and that's why you won't come to his house". Hmmm. Wanted to tell him that I love his gpa, but don't agree with his choices, but didn't know if that was age appropriate.
The night went great - pizza, cotton candy movies - so much FUN! We swam all day and ordered delivery at the pool. Both boys thought that was the coolest thing ever.
When my DIL came to pick them up, she wanted to talk and asked if I was ok and if she shared something with me, would I be ok? I said sure, she looked upset. She said that XH invited them over for Labor Day and the OW was there and he didn't tell them she would be there. She went on to say that OW was drunk and sloppy and XH forced an "introduction". Literally drug the OW over to DIL (who was trying to stay on the other side of the room, in a different room etc.) and said "I'd like you to meet xxx". DIL said OW stuck her hand out like to shake it. DIL did not shake her hand but said "hi" and walked off.
DIL said it made her cry because she has told XH that she doesn't want anything to do with her and she felt bad for me. DIL said that she felt ambushed and that it's been happening frequently now. XH even told S29 that he needed to get used to having OW around. I told her not to worry about me that it's all in my rearview, and thankfully she could see that, but thinking about it later, I did realize something. So I called her and said:
We have had a lot of conversations about how I put up so much with for so long and I was thinking about your weekend. You had previously stated - very clearly - that you didn’t want to be around her - but then you did. You stated clearly that you would not accept her but you are. You’ve been pushed slowly into having her at your church, your holidays and your ranch time with XH. I respect anything you choose to do, but in just a few weeks, you have let him push your boundaries....that’s how I let it happen to me. it was slow and I didn’t want to make a big deal or cause a scene...it was just a text I was uncomfortable with, or a female that was giving me weird vibes etc. it was a budget we were both sticking to, and then little by little I didn’t know how I got to where he was off running around and I had no money to buy even basic needs.
This isn’t judgement AT ALL. It’s an observation of how he manipulates and gets people to put up with abhorrent things and always seems to get his way...which is sometimes bad for others.
It hurt your feelings. I care about that. I don’t care who you are around as long as you have peace and you are ok.
If you didn’t care about his/her past, and you genuinely liked her I’d be jealous and all, (and butthurt) lol but I would want you to be around people who make YOU feel good, special and uplift you. Right now, it seems like it’s a lot of pain and heartache and sadness and grief all to appease him. Think about what YOU want, what brings YOU joy. When possible, live in peace. When it's not possible, dust the dirt from your sandals.
It goes without saying, but I will remind you of this, I will love and support you NO MATTER WHAT.
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She said that she was just telling my S28 the same thing and getting upset about how XH keeps ambushing them with OW. I understand that emotion. We let little things go until we have an enormous problem. A boiled frog we are.
As I sit her I realize that the only drama in my life is that which my kids have to deal with. And it's not my drama, I listen but I no longer get emotional about it. I can hear these things and feel sad for them, and certainly empathize, but I'm no longer triggered in a sense that it affects me personally.
The bonus? I still have 2 days off this weekend!! I am LOVING day shift! Also getting estimates for new flooring for new house. Life is good.
Hope all of you are doing well!
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
