Crazy week continues - slowly getting better health-wise but I still know that I'm hurt and healing slower than I would like. Another very late day yesterday. I did a mistake on a loading sheet and we light loaded a customer by about 9 tonnes - scrambling today to make that right. Fortunately they have 2 more loads they are taking today.
I just finally finished my lunch after multiple distractions including walking out the the fence to talk to a driver who was more than an hour early for his appointment. It's amazing how often just talking to people and explaining the situation calms them down and everything works out. Or perhaps it's the shock of seeing someone in a bow tie? I'm wearing the one with the periodic table on it today. I also had to inspect some gaskets ("look a gasket!"), fix a printer, climb up and down some ladders, wave my clipboard at the loaders - all important things I am sure.
Part of my day - which included looking at gaskets involved writing up a report to a customer where I used my best vague tap-dancing words to agree that there was a problem, that we have identified the probable source of the problem, but to avoid any responsibility on the product they already have. They're shipping me back about 6 tonnes of product which will need a secondary inspection and remediation ("look - a gasket!")
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I had a talk to one of the other managers here (not sure where I fit in the org chart) as well as my boss yesterday. In the course of both conversations it was discussed that I'm really not being able to use my skills to the greatest advantage in the various roles I am in. Honest conversations like this are important. They both agreed. And for both of them, there's little that can be done at present. Everyone knows that I'm struggling so there's no sense in hiding that. I am getting progressively better as time goes on but it's painful for all.
What it boils down to is that for probably the next 8 months, this is where I am and I'm doing whatever is needing to be done. My boss has made it clear that there is a place for me here but what that place looks like long term is anyone's guess. I still believe that one of those roles is a partial replacement for him although I would doubt they would give me the title of President. The broad experience being rammed down my throat will do me good in the future, I just have to survive to get there.
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It was my son's birthday yesterday. I texted him and he let me know that he had saved a piece of birthday cake for his lunch. That was nice.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Just some thoughts over Sunday morning coffee. The moka pot does a decent job although I think I need a smaller carafe. The smallest one I could find was still 12 cups and I only really get about 3 even after watering the espresso down into Americano.
Originally Posted by Gerda
Andrew, you sort of remind me of Robert Frost -- a little brusque, a deep awareness of beauty esp in the natural world, and always some insight that shakes me awake. I don't know if you are from the northeast but I always picture you somewhere in New England as a Frost sort of guy.
Awwe shucks. That perhaps explains some things about our bttrfly who is from that part of the world. I'm Canadian but my rural Scotts heritage is pretty strong. Hence things like ties to the land etc being important to me. One of my best friends often comments after he comes to me for advice that I will indeed call a spade a shovel.
Originally Posted by Gerda
P.S. I find it astonishing that many of you believe that your X lurks here and sees what you write.
If that were true, what more proof could any of us need that nothing will change their minds?!
Indeed. Curiosity is a natural human trait. In some ways I imagine that if my XW does indeed follow along here that what I write would probably reinforce that it would be futile to even try to reconcile. Not that I have any expectation of that. I did worry up until a couple of years ago that she would but now that she and OM are very much a couple and have their own house, the things that I imagined would have caused her to pause and reconsider aren't there any more. Those would have been her missing having a house and also not wanting to be alone.
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I've not driven by her house much in recent times - I've had errands that put me in other parts of town so that short-cut doesn't apply. The times I have, there have generally been no vehicles in the drive at all. Presumably she and OM are out separately doing their own thing.
She did cross my mind a bit yesterday and this morning. Yesterday we had a strong storm roll through from the east. Down here in the valley I'm pretty protected from most really bad weather so don't worry too much. She was also interested in the weather and one thing that she always watched for was a storm coming in from the east - which is highly unusual and generally indicates a very severe storm. We've had quite a lot of strong storms lately as well as extreme heat which is unusual as well.
The other thing was I saw a notice this morning that the humourist Jeanne Robertson has passed. We were fans of her gentle humour and quick wit. I strongly encourage anyone who needs an uplifting story to check out her numerous videos. The one that was our entry to this woman's humour was "Don't send a man to the grocery store" about her husband who she refers to as "Left Brain". Most people who know me would agree that I am rather a left brain sort like in this story. She had lost her husband fairly recently and like seems to happen, she passed as well not too long after. I may have to make a 7-Up pound cake.
For the first time in a very long time I almost felt like breaking no-contact and letting my XW know of this - but - no.
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In other news, the cat now has a collar with a bell on it. Other than some initial confusion, he's taken well to it. Now if he does get out, which he's only shown occasional interest in, it's obvious that he has a home. I also have him microchipped and if he did get out much of the village would be mobilized I'm sure to find him.
I've also been poking away at the 2nd Raspberry Pi computer I bought recently. I've got it set up to be a media and file server so that I can easily access the copious amount of entertainment that I have and also do backups more easily. The first one I bought I use as a web server to host the old web site I no longer actively update about my boat-building projects and that also hosts the webcam pointing out of my front porch window. Since it's connected to the internet, I don't put anything on there that I can't afford to have hacked.
Speaking of boats, I think I've decided to part with my sloop in the spring. She hasn't gotten used other than as a Halloween decoration for many years and just sits in the shed. To replace her, I'm thinking of building a Puddle Duck sailboat over the winter. A simple scow hull that I'll probably rig with a sprit sail that will be light enough and simple enough that I can get out on the water on a whim rather than it being an all-day production. There's a couple of nice small lakes between here and where I work that I could go to. Years ago when I had the MiniCup I would put it on the top of my Jeep and launch for a couple of hours on the way home from work. I believe it to be true that smaller boats get more use than bigger ones.
It's another hot sticky day here with a chance of thunderstorms later in the day. I think that I'll maybe go for a wander along some trails and then do some of the office work I need to do to be ready for Monday. 3 emails already from my boss reminding me of this and that. The man never switches off.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Andrew, you sort of remind me of Robert Frost -- a little brusque, a deep awareness of beauty esp in the natural world, and always some insight that shakes me awake. I don't know if you are from the northeast but I always picture you somewhere in New England as a Frost sort of guy.
Awwe shucks. That perhaps explains some things about our bttrfly who is from that part of the world. I'm Canadian but my rural Scotts heritage is pretty strong. Hence things like ties to the land etc being important to me. One of my best friends often comments after he comes to me for advice that I will indeed call a spade a shovel.
you mean being brusque?? lol
Originally Posted by Andrewp
The other thing was I saw a notice this morning that the humourist Jeanne Robertson has passed. We were fans of her gentle humour and quick wit. I strongly encourage anyone who needs an uplifting story to check out her numerous videos. The one that was our entry to this woman's humour was "Don't send a man to the grocery store" about her husband who she refers to as "Left Brain". Most people who know me would agree that I am rather a left brain sort like in this story. She had lost her husband fairly recently and like seems to happen, she passed as well not too long after. I may have to make a 7-Up pound cake.
For the first time in a very long time I almost felt like breaking no-contact and letting my XW know of this - but - no.
Wasn't that a shock? I've been enjoying her live from the porch FB shows since she started them a bit ago. Exh turned me on to her about two years before BD. He found her on Sat radio ... our first was the story about the bat in her bedroom. She was a sweetheart. My grandma used to say that if someone was really sick a full moon would pull them right down. There was a full moon this morning. I did think of exh but not off contacting him. He's in town this week. Yes, her husband passed mid June I think it was. They seemed like a very devoted couple. At least they are together now.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
There's been a lot of discussion over the years here on the topic of forgiveness. Many of the people posting here are also people of Faith and even though I'm not personally, that perspective is important.
I thought about posting this on DnJ's thread but didn't want to clutter it up too much.
I was thinking about this last night and decided to turn the problem upside down and look at it from the other direction. What does an unforgiving or unforgiven mean? Holding a grudge could be considered a synonym perhaps.
Merriam Webster defines grudge as "a feeling of deep-seated resentment or ill will" - an active word. Unforgiving is also an active word where the resentment is in the forefront of the thoughts of the other I would think.
I think that there is like with many things a range of values. Have I forgiven my XW? No. Will I ever? Probably not. Do I dwell on thoughts of what she did and her lack of apparent remorse? Not really and certainly less as time goes by. I certainly don't actively wish her any harm although will admit to occasionally feeling smug when it appears that karma may be visiting even if it is only in my imagination.
My lack of forgiveness though doesn't (I hope) keep me stuck although for some reason 5 years later I'm still on this forum working through my various issues. I was particularly struck by bttrfly's comment that she no longer prays for her XH. I know that prayer is very important to her and is evidence of her compassion for others in that she actively wishes for good things for people. Does her lack of prayer mean she wishes for bad things? I strongly doubt that. I believe that it means that she has moved on to a place where she has let go of any thoughts that she could intervene on his behalf. Leaving his path to God as it were.
For me, I've not felt any sort of moral obligation towards my XW for quite some time. She's a bill I pay every month and some paperwork that needs to be dealt with when the support agreement runs out. I will probably have to remind her at that time to make some adjustments to an insurance policy that she has on me that I am obliged to pay for.
Would I be able to deal with encountering her "in the wild" or heaven forefend - a family event? I hope so although undoubtedly it would be hard - presumably for both of us.
If something happened to her and she called out for aid, would I? Probably - just like I would help any person whether I liked them or not. That is part of my moral code. But I would not feel the need to rush to her aid unasked. My days of protecting her and cleaning up her messes ended when it became clear that she preferred OM to me even if she was still apparently keeping me as a plan b.
I like to think that I'm in a middle-place. Where I've neither forgiven nor am unforgiving. Meh as some will call it. Not always an easy balance but as long as you keep your eyes on the horizon and not the tight-rope it's easier.
Enough philosophy for now.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Where I've neither forgiven nor am unforgiving. Meh as some will call it.
Do I dwell on thoughts of what she did and her lack of apparent remorse? Not really
Would I be able to deal with encountering her "in the wild" or heaven forefend - a family event? I hope so although undoubtedly it would be hard
Cultivating forgiveness is probably more important for WAS/LBS who have many years of raising a child together on their horizon. You may see your ex's car, but you rarely see your ex. Your resentment doesn't need to be zero, it just needs to be low enough it doesn't interfere with your life. I have negative thoughts about my parents monthly. That's too often. I have no negative thoughts about my XW (11yrs ago). I occasionally have negative thoughts about my XGF (9mo ago). It's a journey.
My lack of forgiveness though doesn't (I hope) keep me stuck although for some reason 5 years later I'm still on this forum working through my various issues. I was particularly struck by bttrfly's comment that she no longer prays for her XH. I know that prayer is very important to her and is evidence of her compassion for others in that she actively wishes for good things for people. Does her lack of prayer mean she wishes for bad things? I strongly doubt that. I believe that it means that she has moved on to a place where she has let go of any thoughts that she could intervene on his behalf. Leaving his path to God as it were.
WOW. NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE! In fact, what I thought I said was that it really upsets me to think that my exh doesn't have anyone in his life presently who prays for him. I don't consider myself to be in his life, which may be where the confusion set it. I DO pray for him, and will continue to pray for him, that he finds peace, that he is happy and healthy, that he and our son find their way back to each other for more than an occasional dinner or video game.
I don't consider prayer to be intervening on anyone's behalf. To me prayer is an active form of love. Just because we aren't together anymore doesn't mean that we weren't together for more than half our lives, with much of that relationship being quite the antithesis of how it ended. This may not make a lot of sense to anyone here, and it doesn't have to because it makes sense to me. I know the pain he's in. We've talked about our son a few times in the past couple of months. Where I know that I've done all I can to help our son, exh has to live with the choices he's made and the results of those choices. How could I not pray for him? It doesn't mean I want him back as a lover or a partner. It does mean that I see beyond all the MLC BS to the real person struggling underneath and that is the person I pray for. One doesn't kick someone else, especially when they are down.
Maybe this is where forgiveness lies for me, beneath all the MLC BS there is a real person, struggling mightily, lashing out because that's the best they can do in the moment, making decisions impulsively, in my exh's case, and emotionally, not rationally, because that is what he does. I forgive the person who is struggling. I have no need to fix or rescue or otherwise engage with the person who is acting out on their MLC crap.
Is this more clear? Does this make more sense?
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Sorry that I misunderstood you - this clarifies things a lot. As I said, I'm not a person of Faith and lack understanding on how it can guide you as a caring human being.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Forgiveness is not about saying what they did was okay. It's most definitely NOT okay. Forgiveness is about letting go of the grudge, as Andrew put it. It's about not letting the pain and the anger affect YOU. Forgiveness of them is a gift you give yourself.
I'm not sure I would actively pray for my ex - he fired me from that job long ago. I did used to send him occasional medical articles related to his medical conditions that I think he would not have seen but have stopped doing that too since he's not seemed receptive. I do care enough to not wish him ill, as I would for any other person. And I can see now what a limited person he is, how his issues have kept him from living as full and happy a life as one would wish for. But he had his chance - probably his BEST chance - at that with me, and you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. His decisions were such that he does not really deserve any more of my energy. He doesn't spark anything more than idle curiosity in me any more - no anger, no pain. If I was holding on to resentments it would only harm ME.
I often feel we get lost in the semantics of these things; each essentially holding similar views and using different words. I still think those who are here are here because they deeply loved their spouses (even if not returned) and hoped for reconciliation (even if not realistic). I'm not religious. If I were, I would pray for my spouse. Despite the things he has done, the love I felt was real and the person I choose to be does not wish ill on others, even those who harm me. Mine hurt me very badly. He hurt himself even worse. There is no greater loss he could have suffered than our children. I don't know why he steadfastly refuses to right even that wrong. I wanted a nice divorce and would have resolved the case on far more favorable terms to him, but he refused to sit down and talk about it which I tried many times to do and ultimately decided to let him shoot himself in the foot. I guess I'm the beneficiary of his choices, but it still makes me sad. While I didn't want to vacation Hollywood-style with he and OWifey, I did want a divorce with kindness, respect, and shared concern for our children now and in the future, adult or not (adult kids often need help too, particularly those who survived the brutality of these types of divorces as we read here and elsewhere all the time).
Busy busy week. Working from home today and woke up at 5:50 to a message from a customer sent at 4:30 that their 6:00 pickup was going to be late. So - yet another call to the plant while I'm in my PJs.
My boss is technically on vacation which means that he spends more time scrutinizing what everyone is doing. I have a 6 point missive from him of things I've done that he questions, things he thinks I should be doing and things he thinks I shouldn't be doing.
Le sigh.
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I did have a nice call with my daughter yesterday. Our usual practice, especially with her now in a different time-zone is that we call while I drive. We had been using Skype but since she has free North America calling, we used cell which was much more reliable on the rural roads I drive between here and the plant.
We chatted about this that and the other thing. She and her H are settling in to their new home well and she finds it nice that he is home most nights. Yesterday he was at a site and had to stay overnight.
She hopes to stay in this house for at least 10 years and is even thinking of getting herself a flock of chickens. It turns out that in at least her part of Seattle that backyard chickens are common with several of her neighbours having a few. Since she is her father's daughter, she wants "interesting chickens" with unique types of eggs. I know very little about this despite having grown up around chickens both of the standard and unique variety but it should be - ahem - interesting.
Our last call shockingly was in May. We both agree that that was far far too long and will try to do better. I reminded her as well that phones work in both directions. We do communicate in some fashion pretty much daily so the lack of an actual phone call isn't too much of a worry.
She is - as usual - fairly annoyed with her brother who doesn't communicate to anyone at all. She asked if he'd gotten his birthday card - which I don't know the answer to but assume that yes he did. He's always been like this and isn't going to change but he and I do have our regularly scheduled brunch visits.
I had been musing to myself about her and her H coming here for a visit. It's easier for Americans to come here than the other way around. There's really nothing much attracting her to here though other than her mother and I and brother. Her best friend actually lives on the West coast as well. She and her brother never were close although they get along perfectly fine. Growing up they each did their own thing most of the time and both were introverts.
I really can't see her making the trip though when she knows that I at least am looking forward to seeing her there. No clue about her mom. I do know that she visited in San Diego right at the start of the pandemic. I really have no insight into their relationship but know that they weren't as close as she and I even before the split. She was pretty upset with her mother I know first for leaving and then even more when she found out why. I do know that her mother was actually a bit jealous on how close we were - we used to spend a lot of time together - she was always up for a trip to the hardware store or getting up early for breakfast out with Dad while her Mom slept in.
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Had an interesting conversation with one of the plant operators yesterday. A surprising (to me) number of the staff at the plant are divorced. This particular operator is about the same age as me but is actively looking to date. He's had a couple of bad experiences as well. His opinion is that many middle-aged women are looking for someone to take care of them, or even when they are financially independent look to spend their days traveling and having adventures. And they are very particular that whoever they partner with fit exactly into how they want to live their lives. One was passionate about kayaking and insisted that he - while they were dating - get his own kayak and spend as much time on the water as she did. Not his interest, nor the woman who wanted him to always go out golfing with her. He keeps trying though.
Ah well - time to focus more completely on work.
Happy Friday!
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
