Rope dropping and grey rocks

[97Hope]

Previous Thread Onward and Upward

[97Hope]

Boundaries are for you. Boundaries are for your mental, physical, and emotional health. They are not an attempt to change, alter, or fix our wayward spouse.

Know your boundaries. Base then not solely upon how you feel, ensure they have logical and reasoned underpinnings.

Set your boundaries. Clearly. By the way, one can have a clearly set boundary without saying a word.

Enforce your boundaries. Make them rock solid. H will test them. He will push and smash against them. Let him. Like waves crashing against the barrier it matters not, for you are safe on the other side.

Remember you only control you. Boundaries sometimes get mixed up into a power / control struggle. They are just you asserting your actions for your health when H crosses the predetermined line.

His use of any and every excuse in the book to contact you can be blocked. Block his number. Or let his calls go to voice mail. Silent his number so his calls and texts make no noise. Check his message only once a week. Whatever level you think you require. Dim, dark, no contact.

I prefer not to talk about your father. That being said, I always will discuss things with you. If you and your life has confusion, questions, or problems; and those have an element of Dad in them, I will still be willing to talk. My love for you far exceeded my desire not to discuss H. I may not bring him up much, but you can if you need too.

Something like that. Perhaps.

Have a wonderful day Hope.

D

Blocked his number on Sunday. It needed to happen.

Your suggestion is perfect and what I have been trying to do for so long. As I thought about it, yes, it did upset me, but it passed. I just want to move beyond where we talk about XH so much. I think time will help, and our previous conversation. We were such a close family for so long, I do need to allow for adjustments and extend grace. It's a transition for all involved. That's probably why we all kind of allowed XH to pretend that everything was the same and played along. Maybe we all just weren't ready to face it. Or

It seemed "easier" short term, but now it's time for me to face my new normal and live in it.

To be fair, my new normal is probably easier at this point than it is for the kids. They miss the family they grew up in, but I don't miss being his wife. So my future looks bright and good and they still have unknowns, especially given that an OW is being thrust upon them.

That just hit me. I have more to ponder.


(((hugs)) to you all for your support!

[DnJ]

Hello Hope

Yes the kids do have Dad’s girlfriend being forced into their lives. The upheaval of the family and Dad’s weird behaviour will take time for them to accept.

One of the big items, from my kids’ and mine own perspective, is the AP. My W’s (now XW) boyfriend was, and is, a person of significance in her life. Their (and obviously our) position in their Dad’s priorities changed. That is a difficult thing for ourselves and our kids to accept. A thing that they will need to talk about, and not to a peer friend. They need gentle guidance from their strong stable levelheaded parent. You are doing that by the way. Role model, being open, being available, honest, reliable, and so on.

These are all those small steps that lead to acceptance and forgiveness. And we have an opportunity to show our children, even older adult children, the way.

Remain a close family. You and your kids. They are used to the closeness. They will find the next step along their paths. Be their beacon.

D

[Eagle3]

Hi Hope,

After reading your story, I guess I'm a little bit in the same situation currently, although in my case I'm not yet divorced.

This particular part hit me:

"Other problem is, I was getting too comfortable with XH. Saw him in Oklahoma and things happened, then the next week he invited himself to come with me to a work party, and then 2 days later showed up at Church with his OW."

In my case I don't know if he has an OW, but we are also sometimes too comfortable with each other. It often feels we are still like a family. He also acts this way.

So I fully understand why you go dark now in your case. A lot of courage!!

[Eagle3]

Hope,

Forgot to ask a question.

Did you ever see the outward depression, dit he ever admit he was the one who was not well and needed help?

In short, did he ever work on himself?

[97Hope]

Thanks D. I will. Eldest called today to say that XH called him because he wasn't able to get ahold of me. "She's sad. She doesn't want to talk to you. Don't call her" (I think he was kind to him about it, but that was the gist of it.)

He said that XH said "I'm sad, too. We had a great time in OK, and it was really hard after that".

Ugh. So sad that you spent the next night with OW?? More of the same.


Eagle, I didn't think he had an OW. He had one for 4 years, it started approx 3-6 months prior to BD.

He continued to say he needed help. He went to an IC in the beginning of the separation but said he didn't know what to talk about (since he lives in deceit, he wasn't facing his reality, so no amount of therapy will help).

Up until 2 months or so he would say how "f-ed" up he was, he needed help, his "issues", sometimes break down talking about it...but he did not get help, did not change, and continues to live a lie. He acts like a great family man, a good guy, but in reality, he's full course on a path to destroying everything that used to be important to him.

I knew he had an OP but I couldn't prove it. I operated on what I could prove, that was how I chose to handle this. But ultimately, I have yet to see where they do not have someone at least waiting in the sidelines.

My XH still maintains that his OP is just a friend. So believe none of what they say right now.

[bttrfly]

Hope,

Forgot to ask a question.

Did you ever see the outward depression, dit he ever admit he was the one who was not well and needed help?

In short, did he ever work on himself?

sorry to interject, but it seems from what I've experienced and seen here that only a very tiny percentage of these people ever work on themselves because the majority of them think their partner is the problem.

[DnJ]

I knew he had an OP but I couldn't prove it. I operated on what I could prove, that was how I chose to handle this. But ultimately, I have yet to see where they do not have someone at least waiting in the sidelines.

We have to operate on what is before us and not on conjecture. You did very well.

You are correct, most are active with someone else. Almost no one runs off from a marriage and family to be alone.

[97Hope]

only a very tiny percentage of these people ever work on themselves because the majority of them think their partner is the problem.

This. blaming others and using others to 'feel better' = missed opportunities to work on self.

[97Hope]

The previous house deal fell through - I'm out the inspection and option money. Ugh.

Found another house, putting together an offer now. I am serious about finding a home.

I am trying not to get my hopes up on this one, but it's difficult.

It's in town, subdivision. Pros and Cons to each. I chose to focus on the pros.

Working tomorrow night and Thursday & Wednesday nights followed by weekend at a very nice resort for 2 nights with my cousins.

I'm hoping next week I update that I am going forward with this new house, and report that I spent the weekend floating in the pool with a nice refreshing drink in my hand and not much else!

Saw a message in my voicemail "blocked messages" - it was XH to let me know my tire was available (I called the tire shop to update my phone number).

Did not realize I would still get messages. I had received a message from the water company regarding a leak at his property - I was able to forward the entire voicemail to him and I called and had my number removed.

A year ago, those small reminders of a life together would have hurt. Now they are nothing more than a company that needs an update on a phone number.

Moving forward feels good. I am peaceful, content, and excited for my future.