Onward and Upward!

[may22]

yay!!! congratulations Hope!!!

[97Hope]

Thanks, ya'll!!!! It's happening!! I've been to Lowe's with my DIL and we are having the time of our lives planning this out.

I realized how amazing it is to make all the decisions on my own. This house will be all mine exactly how I want it. I've never had that.

[bttrfly]

Thanks, ya'll!!!! It's happening!! I've been to Lowe's with my DIL and we are having the time of our lives planning this out.

I realized how amazing it is to make all the decisions on my own. This house will be all mine exactly how I want it. I've never had that.

It's a wonderful feeling!!!
When I built my house it was so fun to pick everything and not have to compromise on anything. I'm getting a taste of that again as we do the repairs at Mom's ...

I'm so very happy for you Hope. Enjoy every second of this time!!

[DejaVu6]

Congratulations Hope!! Having your own space decorated your way is so awesome. I really started to enjoy my own company during the times I didn’t have my kids. Now that I am living with my sister, I don’t get that so much but she and her hubby work a lot so it happens more than one would think. It is nice sometimes to not have to consider anyone else when you make a decision. As my friend whose husband is away in Mexico renovating their vacation house said to me… “There is nothing like coming home to a quiet, clean home, looking in the fridge and thinking… Hmmm..I feel like eating cottage cheese for dinner… AND then getting to actually eat cottage cheese for dinner.” . Have a wonderful time decorating!!! (((HUGS)))

[97Hope]

(((Deja))) Thanks! lol mine is jello and popcorn. I cooked most every meal for the past 25 years, so it's nice to eat what I want.

*********

Had the inspection today. Going to have a lot to consider. It needs more work than originally anticipated. So I will come back with new offer and see what they say. Still in option period so I will be fine either way.

Just thankful for the excitement of my future.

I had a moment last week, talking to a good friend, who suggested that I move and start over somewhere else...basically, get AWAY from XH. He and his wife are dear friends of mine for years, they both know XH and he actually knows XH quite well.

Problem with that is, my kids and grands live here. I'm not losing another thing.

Other problem is, I was getting too comfortable with XH. Saw him in Oklahoma and things happened, then the next week he invited himself to come with me to a work party, and then 2 days later showed up at Church with his OW. (I don't go to that church, but Son, DIL and 2 grandsons so). DIL and son have been explicit on not wanting any contact with OW and especially the grands having any idea about her, but my XH is kind of a weasel like that. His fave phrases are "I didn't think you meant..." or "We're just friends..." or a plethora of other gaslighting/blame shifting/victim garbage.

The good news? It reminded me that I need to go no contact. I no longer think it's in my best interest to be friendly. At least for now and for the foreseeable future. It reminded me that he is sick and there's nothing I can do and acting "as if" needs to change (cheeseless tunnel). For myself, I need to heal and detach more. I thought I was there, but then I get sucked in. I will have contact with him when I am stronger and able to be cooler. Not for appearances, but because right now, I allow him to treat me like a wife. When I'm stronger, I can get to where I don't play into the game. It's weird and sick and I need to detach from that behavior, not be a part of it.

Anyway, while talking to my friend I started to panic. And I felt such a strong urge to move away I actually cancelled the purchase!!! Talk about operating out of emotion.

I prayed for hours, talked to 2 other friends, had a frank discussion with sons about my need to have NC with XH....and as soon as I made the decision to stay and go forward with purchase - PEACE.

Decided that geography isn't the problem. It's my heart. I think that by him showing up at Church, exposing the grands to that, and pretending that the emperor was wearing clothes, was the kick in the pants I needed to move forward.

Feeling relieved to be here. Blocked his number and know it's time and for the best.

Something I learned in academy: Cover + Distance = Time. So I will take cover, keep my distance, and allow time to do it's thing.

Hope everyone is doing great and appreciate all the well wishes!!!

xo

[LH19]

Hope,

I think just about everyone tries the friendly route in the beginning until they are exposed to the AP and that changes everything. There is only one person on the board that I know of that it works for and that is AS. If you are going to go NC that I would suggest that you stick to it so it doesn’t get confusing to your ex. I think a very important piece of the process that gets left out is the LBS explaining in certain terms how the relationship is going to look after D. IE we will discuss the kids only. We will only use text to communicate. Etc.

You’re doing great and I think it’s time to really drop the rope and move forward.

[97Hope]

I think a very important piece of the process that gets left out is the LBS explaining in certain terms how the relationship is going to look after D. IE we will discuss the kids only. We will only use text to communicate. Etc.

I've debated this a LOT. I've said this before and he uses any excuse in the book to text or call. Our kids are grown (28, 24, 19) we have grandkids but he will use them to text i.e. sending pics of them, or asking for pics of them when I have them, bringing a chair for me to baseball games, only going to games he knows I am attending...

His friend suggested not saying anything, especially given the last time we were together along with showing up in public with the AP.

I know that if I attempted to set boundaries, he would just turn it around on me and play the victim. I think any explanation would go over his head. (he thinks he has done nothing wrong, and his image is everything so any threat to that "family guy" offends him.

His friend said I owe him nothing and even telling him the new rules would only give him access to me and that XH thrives on any attention from me.

I appreciate your opinions, advice and suggestions. Always have. Do you still think I should let him know? I think it's time my actions speak, since my words haven't lined up. (That's on me!)

You’re doing great and I think it’s time to really drop the rope and move forward.

thank you. Means a lot coming from you. and amen to really, truly, dropping the rope. It was like I woke up after 2 days of thinking about it and i was just done. Relief.

[bttrfly]

I think it's time my actions speak, since my words haven't lined up. (That's on me!)

Stop talking and just do it. If you're comfortable, ask the kids to stop letting him know whether or not you'll be at a game. A vague, "Not sure what her plans are" is all he deserves.

So often I've gotten stung by trying to be polite, not just with exh, but with others too. Become the grey rock.

Sorry that the house needs more work than you thought. I hope it's still worthwhile for you to move forward with the purchase. Hope, you have so much going in a positive direction, don't let the last time you saw him de-rail you. Our LBS journey is also a process. We're going to have bends in our road to our new selves and lives. You really are doing so well. Keep going forward. xoxoxoxo

[97Hope]

Thanks, btrfly <3

I'm a person who cares little for words and trusts what I see, so yes, I agree. Stop talking.

In a nutshell, I spoke to each of my sons and said: I prefer not to talk about your dad. That's his business and none of mine. Encouraged them to talk to each other and trusted friends.

It's hard because historically we've discussed everything, but I know they understand my position and they actually said they are glad because he's being "so weird, mom".


----

I just received the inspection report and hopefully sellers will agree to lower terms or providing the repairs. If they don't I'm ok with it. I'll find the perfect place (perfect for me). Inspections are expensive, though! geez!!

[DnJ]

Good Morning Hope

I know that if I attempted to set boundaries, he would just turn it around on me and play the victim.

Of course he will. As you said H cannot be seen as wrong and anything not following his script offends him. Oh well, too bad for him.

Boundaries are for you. Boundaries are for your mental, physical, and emotional health. They are not an attempt to change, alter, or fix our wayward spouse.

Know your boundaries. Base then not solely upon how you feel, ensure they have logical and reasoned underpinnings.

Set your boundaries. Clearly. By the way, one can have a clearly set boundary without saying a word.

Enforce your boundaries. Make them rock solid. H will test them. He will push and smash against them. Let him. Like waves crashing against the barrier it matters not, for you are safe on the other side.

Remember you only control you. Boundaries sometimes get mixed up into a power / control struggle. They are just you asserting your actions for your health when H crosses the predetermined line.

I've debated this a LOT. I've said this before and he uses any excuse in the book to text or call. Our kids are grown (28, 24, 19) we have grandkids but he will use them to text i.e. sending pics of them, or asking for pics of them when I have them, bringing a chair for me to baseball games, only going to games he knows I am attending...

His use of any and every excuse in the book to contact you can be blocked. Block his number. Or let his calls go to voice mail. Silent his number so his calls and texts make no noise. Check his message only once a week. Whatever level you think you require. Dim, dark, no contact.

In a nutshell, I spoke to each of my sons and said: I prefer not to talk about your dad. That's his business and none of mine. Encouraged them to talk to each other and trusted friends.

It's hard because historically we've discussed everything, but I know they understand my position and they actually said they are glad because he's being "so weird, mom".

The boys can see Dad’s weird behaviour. And they understand your need. However, I’d adjust your position a little.

I prefer not to talk about your father. That being said, I always will discuss things with you. If you and your life has confusion, questions, or problems; and those have an element of Dad in them, I will still be willing to talk. My love for you far exceeded my desire not to discuss H. I may not bring him up much, but you can if you need too.

Something like that. Perhaps.

Have a wonderful day Hope.

D