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Originally Posted by SteveLW
Letting go is emotional and mental too. You've done the physical letting go. But you continue to struggle with the emotional and mental part. Which tells me that you were overly attached, probably from the beginning.

I detect in you a tendency I've seen in a few people over the course of my life. The tendency to latch on to someone and not want to let go no matter what that person says or does. It reminds me of the scene in Dumb and Dumber, where Jim Carrey's character is told by the object of his desire that there is a 1 in a million chance of them ending up together. And his character responds with "So you're saying there's a chance!" No actually she said the opposite, but he heard what he wanted to hear in order to continue to pursue her.

smilie, I think you know logically she is gone forever, but your heart won't let you understand that. And then your lack of self assurance makes you think that your world is ending. It isn't. She isn't your life, your existence. Heck no one can be that. We live in an imperfect world where disease and death is around the corner! You could have lost her to those things at any moment in time. Being paralyzed by her loss to the point of not being able to move forward is unhealthy (which is why you need IC). And it isn't fair to the other person to put that kind of pressure on them. No one wants to be responsible for another person's happiness!

So what are you going to do to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get out of your malaise? It is up to you! CW is a perfect example of someone that recently did that.

I really am struggling with this and it's a lot about the legal stuff. I have been waiting on the court for spousal maintenance claim to be heard ... still. I'm left trying to meet the rent for this house, cannot face opening post and am really going downhill I feel as I can't stop shaking even now, some 12 weeks on.

Yes I know it's over but she has done such a number on the finances that I cannot do anything. The pressure is mounting each day that passes as another month rent is due. I still have nobody who can help, my friend (who has ASD) just keeps saying that things are going round in circles with the conversation - I agree - as I am still waiting on the court - 3 days has turned into 4 weeks and still no word.

Every step I had envisioned and planned has been discouraged by my lawyer as it would not be the best option for me. She advised me to wait for the maintenance claim to be heard in court so we know where we are, as anything I do will affect my claim in some way.

I have also heard (via the lawyers) from my wife offering a very small amount per month, which wouldn't even meet rental payments, let alone anything else. She also dropped in that she stopped paying the utility bills here the day that she left and she has informed the companies and passed them my name - all without communicating that all this time. My lawyer isn't happy as she is doing this stuff outside of discussion, an agreement, or court ruling.

My thoughts are all over the place and I have not had a good experience with the doctors. I have never in my life experienced anxiety such as this and I wish it would stop. I have been trying to get IC now since day 1 and have now just been told that I have been put forward for relationship counselling but there is a 12-week wait. I don't know what else to do.

You mention that it's not fair for me to put pressure on her - am I getting this right? I am putting no pressure on her, it's 100% the other way around. This is of her creation. She said she wanted it simple and for me to use her lawyer rather than get my own, but she's making it complicated and expensive. She has gone against everything that she said, has acted and continues to act (in writing) in ways that are bordering on fraud. I still can't see how she is acting in this way and consider perhaps she is being influenced? Just a thought.

What am I going to do to end my malaise? I really don't know as this all revolves around finances and income - neither of which I have. I really haven't been so stuck in all my life. Had I had an income things would be vastly different as I wouldn't need to wait for the maintenance claim.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
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smilie Offline OP
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Originally Posted by wayfarer
As to the how things ended. While I can understand your distress over the financial aspects of this, because let's be real she was basically grifting you at the end, I'm not really sure why you're so hyper focused on her planning her exit for a year or two. This is entirely common. Most people don't just up and leave marriages. Especially ones that aren't brand new.
Yes she was grifting me and that is not a nice thing to do and is the thing that has really got to me I think. This was never in her character and I refuse to believe that this is of her own doing without the input of another.

I wouldn't say that I was hyper-focused on this, it was just surprising. I didn't know it was common as I have never looked to do anything like it.

Thank you for sharing your experience and wisdom.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
I realize these are just two examples but there are tons on this board. There are very few people who wake up one day and think you know I want out and just leave. And honestly I would think a person like that is far more unhinged than a person who's really thought about leaving for a while before they pull the trigger. And would your pain right now be any less if she just packed her sh!t and walked out the door to never return? You can't control how this happened. It sukks. I understand. But focus that energy on something you can control.
I understand that it's not just a sudden thing, but that's the way it appears from the LBS viewpoint, especially when nothing has been mentioned or indicated to be an issue.

This is exactly what she did the last time and I'm 100% certain that she was living with OM too for best part of 9 months before she wanted to come back home. This doesn't not mean that I'm waiting, so please don't read that, but I do miss the person that she was and the life we built & spent together.

So what can I control? This is the question. I feel that there is little I can control and because the financial aspect is getting in a precarious position, the worry of that is overtaking everything else. I really don't know how to put my worries - or ruminations - aside.

I have just revisited the court filing and it's only been a week, so hopefully I should head something next week.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
So in that vein, here stateside people with low and fixed incomes can get a huge discount on broadband and DSL internet. According to a quick google search it says people with Pension Credit, Income Support or Universal Credit are eligible for BT+Broadband, and it seems pretty low cost. It also says Virgin Media is a good option as they do offer low income deals. I'm not sure how that would all work but it's something you may want to look into.
Ah thank you so much for this. This isn't something that is advertised or passed on. We can't get Virgin around here, but the BT option looks good. I need to get in there probably as I'm not sure about the implications on Universal Credit and the maintenance claim. I am also waiting to hear back from my stbxw following a letter of response from my lawyer regarding utilities as she mentioned she had arranged for the phone line to be disconnected at end of August. Not sure if it is happening yet, but it probably will by her past actions. Once I find out for sure I shall sign-up for the BT one as it looks good.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
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smilie Offline OP
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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Hi smilie! I hope wayfarer's stories help. I'll add my preparations to ensure I'd come out okay if I D'd began before I made a final D / no-D decision. Just now I'm imagining my XW scratching her head months after I left and imagining, "Eureeka! So that's why he was so eager to see me switch from breastfeeding to pumping. He planned to leave a year before he left!!" In case that sounds odd, breastfeeding is a factor courts consider in some states when awarding custody.
Yes wayfarer's stories do help understand things a tad better.

Seeing as I didn't know about any relationship issues, etc. I haven't been able to prepare anything and I wouldn't know how to protect my [very limited] assets - mainly pensions and from what I've just read there are no options at this stage really. She's had the upper-hand all along and could easily have set up trusts, etc (this is her line of work) a year so so ago as part of the planning process. Who knows, I'm guessing but it's highly probable in hindsight, as she was researching Private Trusts last year.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
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Originally Posted by smilie
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Letting go is emotional and mental too. You've done the physical letting go. But you continue to struggle with the emotional and mental part. Which tells me that you were overly attached, probably from the beginning.

I detect in you a tendency I've seen in a few people over the course of my life. The tendency to latch on to someone and not want to let go no matter what that person says or does. It reminds me of the scene in Dumb and Dumber, where Jim Carrey's character is told by the object of his desire that there is a 1 in a million chance of them ending up together. And his character responds with "So you're saying there's a chance!" No actually she said the opposite, but he heard what he wanted to hear in order to continue to pursue her.

smilie, I think you know logically she is gone forever, but your heart won't let you understand that. And then your lack of self assurance makes you think that your world is ending. It isn't. She isn't your life, your existence. Heck no one can be that. We live in an imperfect world where disease and death is around the corner! You could have lost her to those things at any moment in time. Being paralyzed by her loss to the point of not being able to move forward is unhealthy (which is why you need IC). And it isn't fair to the other person to put that kind of pressure on them. No one wants to be responsible for another person's happiness!

So what are you going to do to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get out of your malaise? It is up to you! CW is a perfect example of someone that recently did that.

I really am struggling with this and it's a lot about the legal stuff. I have been waiting on the court for spousal maintenance claim to be heard ... still. I'm left trying to meet the rent for this house, cannot face opening post and am really going downhill I feel as I can't stop shaking even now, some 12 weeks on.

Yes I know it's over but she has done such a number on the finances that I cannot do anything. The pressure is mounting each day that passes as another month rent is due. I still have nobody who can help, my friend (who has ASD) just keeps saying that things are going round in circles with the conversation - I agree - as I am still waiting on the court - 3 days has turned into 4 weeks and still no word.

Every step I had envisioned and planned has been discouraged by my lawyer as it would not be the best option for me. She advised me to wait for the maintenance claim to be heard in court so we know where we are, as anything I do will affect my claim in some way.

I have also heard (via the lawyers) from my wife offering a very small amount per month, which wouldn't even meet rental payments, let alone anything else. She also dropped in that she stopped paying the utility bills here the day that she left and she has informed the companies and passed them my name - all without communicating that all this time. My lawyer isn't happy as she is doing this stuff outside of discussion, an agreement, or court ruling.

My thoughts are all over the place and I have not had a good experience with the doctors. I have never in my life experienced anxiety such as this and I wish it would stop. I have been trying to get IC now since day 1 and have now just been told that I have been put forward for relationship counselling but there is a 12-week wait. I don't know what else to do.

You mention that it's not fair for me to put pressure on her - am I getting this right? I am putting no pressure on her, it's 100% the other way around. This is of her creation. She said she wanted it simple and for me to use her lawyer rather than get my own, but she's making it complicated and expensive. She has gone against everything that she said, has acted and continues to act (in writing) in ways that are bordering on fraud. I still can't see how she is acting in this way and consider perhaps she is being influenced? Just a thought.

What am I going to do to end my malaise? I really don't know as this all revolves around finances and income - neither of which I have. I really haven't been so stuck in all my life. Had I had an income things would be vastly different as I wouldn't need to wait for the maintenance claim.

The pressure you put on her was preBD, didn't mean to suggest you are currently putting pressure on her. Your over attachment was not healthy for you not for her. It's more an encouragement to use this as an opportunity to self improver on that for the future.

smilie, I'd encourage you to look at ways to improve your financial situation. I know you've put all of your eggs in a singular basket. Not sure how the courts over the operate but here they can take a longgggggggggg time. Not sure if your expectations for a quick resolution are aligned with reality.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Originally Posted by SteveLW
smilie, I'd encourage you to look at ways to improve your financial situation. I know you've put all of your eggs in a singular basket. Not sure how the courts over the operate but here they can take a longgggggggggg time. Not sure if your expectations for a quick resolution are aligned with reality

I have done all can re financial situation. The order is for an 'emergency interim order' and should be heard at the latest this week - mind you should have been heard a week or so ago.

These are not my expectations - my lawyer has advised me to wait for the courts. I don't know what else I can do at this stage. I have just sent an email asking her for an update.

I just really wish I could work and bring in an income - I have wanted this for so long now. Life seems like I have woken up inside a really bad dream.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
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I have just found out today via my lawyer, that my wife only met this guy on 23rd April and moved in with him on 23rd May, after not seeing him for 9/10 years.

If this is the truth (which my lawyer says the courts will find it hard to believe) then it is likely the same guy she was with for 9 months in 2011. This doesn't take into consideration that she had withdrawn the savings in June 2020 and had been emptying them since May 2019 and that she had her eyes on withdrawing and taking my pension.

She claims to have spent all of the money she took and that she has amounted a huge amount of debt.

There are letters with my lawyer email that I haven't got the strength to read, as she says that they are upsetting - so probably running me down even more.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
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Originally Posted by smilie
This doesn't take into consideration that she had withdrawn the savings in June 2020 and had been emptying them since May 2019
Makes sense? Her wanting to leave is likely to precede her finding an exit affair.

Originally Posted by smilie
There are letters with my lawyer email that I haven't got the strength to read, as she says that they are upsetting - so probably running me down even more.
Smilie, of course, reading the details of her exit affair is going to be difficult and may have a negative effect on your emotional state. Given you are already in a hard place, may I ask why you're doing this to yourself? Is there some action or decision your lawyer requires from you that demands you read these? Otherwise, be kind to yourself. Let your lawyer read it while you invest this time and energy better into GAL, preparing to start your own business, learning new skills for that business, etc.

Originally Posted by smilie
I just really wish I could work and bring in an income - I have wanted this for so long now. Life seems like I have woken up inside a really bad dream.
Is your new business ready to go LIVE the day the court weighs in next week? E.g., that day your business name is filed, p.o. box, phone number, domain name, website, advertising, purchasable products or services via credit card and/or Paypal, etc? If not, what are you waiting for?

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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Makes sense? Her wanting to leave is likely to precede her finding an exit affair.
It sort of makes sense logically, but if she was having issues and wasn't happy, then she had no business looking for houses and giving me the impression that we had a future. She should have communicated that she wasn't happy. I know that people don't, but if this was the case then she should have held the conversation. After she withdrew the money, we were actively building a future (seemingly) and doing loads of other things. This is what doesn't make sense to me and never will.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
Smilie, of course, reading the details of her exit affair is going to be difficult and may have a negative effect on your emotional state. Given you are already in a hard place, may I ask why you're doing this to yourself? Is there some action or decision your lawyer requires from you that demands you read these?
Actually that's a really good point. I didn't see that as an option. I shall inform my lawyer of this tomorrow.

Quote
Otherwise, be kind to yourself. Let your lawyer read it while you invest this time and energy better into GAL, preparing to start your own business, learning new skills for that business, etc.

Is your new business ready to go LIVE the day the court weighs in next week? E.g., that day your business name is filed, p.o. box, phone number, domain name, website, advertising, purchasable products or services via credit card and/or Paypal, etc? If not, what are you waiting for?
I would love to be able to do this, but I won't be able to get this done in such a short time - although some of it has been done to some extent.

- Website, Check (half done)
- Domain name (check)

Please forgive me if I am being stupid, but why get all this done prior to the courts weighing in? Show intention to work?

I wonder if I could get somebody to help me set all that up really cheaply. I suppose I could create a version of my website as one page and keep it simple, that will mean I can get it done quicker.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
According to a quick google search it says people with Pension Credit, Income Support or Universal Credit are eligible for BT+Broadband, and it seems pretty low cost
I must really thank you for this. In response to my lawyer saying that my wife was going to terminate the internet and phone from end of August in any event and recommended that I sort out an alternative provider, I called BT. I had researched it before when you said about it.

I spoke to a really nice girl and told her my situation and asked about the service. She looked my information up and told me that I qualify. For 15gbp/mnth I get unlimited broadband, unlimited phone calls, new home phone & router, a free house moving service (in as much as moving the broadband for free when I move) and I can keep the same phone number.

The connection date is 31 August - the exact same date as I get disconnected from my previous supplier.

Out of all the rubbish things that have happened over the past 12 weeks, this is the best one that has cheered me up! All my worries about not having internet for phone access have gone, and I was told that internet will only be down for a few hours that day. I told the girl that I loved her and thanked her. I know it sounds stupid, but that was the best phone call I have ever had and a huge weight off my shoulders.

Your help here was invaluable and I am extremely grateful for you mentioning this.

---

Today I went to the neighbouring town to meet a guy I used to chat to in the coffee shop when the wife and I used to live near there. I met him in the town I lived in. It was a good chat and yes, I did tell him about my position, but we also spoke about other stuff. He was telling me that there a cycling groups around that town that go out in the country. I have to email him later with some information I said I would send and will ask if he can find out with the groups there, if there are any cycling groups around this area - then I need to get a bike!

I also went to the shop to get a few bits, get some fuel and drove home. All of it was tough as it was the first time I had been to the town and the coffee shop since we had split and everything reminded me of what we used to do. But I did it anyway, regardless of the shakes. I know it sounds so basic and pathetic, but everything is an effort and everything I look at looks weird - I see it as it is, but it seems like it's not real and that I'm looking at an illusion rather than being a part of things. This is a similar feeling I had right at the start of this neurological thing, where I felt dissociated almost all of the time.

Regarding my frame of mind, lack of sleep and stress levels, I have a call from the mental health team tomorrow - not that I'm unstable or anything you understand smile - but because I am finding all this so tough and can't stop shaking and am finding things difficult. I spoke to the guy a couple of days ago and he seems like a nice guy. He said that he just wants to see how they can help. I don't want to get dragged down by this and it looks like my wife is doing everything possible to make try to make that happen - since she left. But I am doing what I can to get the support I need in the short-term.

I also chatted to a woman who called today who works in social care, to see if she could offer any advice or assistance with stuff, seeing as this bloomin' condition gets in the way. Had a good chat, and she will call me tomorrow after looking into what she may be able to help with. I discussed about housing options, etc., although I don't want to get stuck in an inadequate property where I need to get rid of all of my belongings to 'fit into' it. This is another massive worry for me.

I think the hardest thing is that I've gone from having an OK life, planning and thinking about the future and working out how to create an income, to having everything taken from me and being thrust into an nightmare situation. But that's how we grow, right?

I know it sounds harsh, but I can't be held responsible for my wife's decisions, she has to face the consequences of those - whatever they may be, including taking money without knowledge or authorization, stopping paying the rent for a property she is on the tenancy for, cancelling utility bills, etc. Her decisions have put me in a situation that I cannot support myself in ... yet ... and I know I need to create a different one. CWarrior's comments have made me think, but for the life of me I can't see how that would benefit my situation prior to the courts getting involved. However I can see how that would benefit me going forward. I have to give some thought into how to simplify what I can offer, but I know a good place to start with that now and meet-up has given me a different slant to my original idea. I'm just concerned that I am not in the right frame of mind at the moment, although one could argue that it may get me into the right frame of mind!

Just came off a Zoom group (via meetup) about overcoming anxiety (second week). This is a good group and the guy who runs it assigns practical tasks and then split people up one-on-one for a discussion. It's a shame it's not IRL.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
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When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to trust it's there.
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smilie Offline OP
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The other thing that I would anticipate why my lawyer said that the content of the letters are upsetting, is because I would expect my wife to claim that she is pregnant by OM. Of course at this stage it is only speculation, but it seems a logical conclusion as to why she left. Otherwise why wold my lawyer tell me the content is upsetting?

Talk about emotional turmoil.

I shall start a new thread tomorrow when I can get my head together.


M(55), W(45)
BD1: Apr-2011, BD2: 23-May-21, NC (15 June '21)
Divorce Filed (16 July '21)
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Hi Smilie, there's often truth to our gut instincts but.. "it seems a logical conclusion as to why she left." While that would be a good reason to leave, she already wanted out, had been planning her escape for a year, and was in the midst of an affair. That's reason enough for most. "Why else would the lawyer tell me the content is upsetting." You wouldn't believe how many upsetting scenarios are possible. Sometimes our "gut" speaks to our fears. Is your STBXW never getting pregnant a sore point for you?

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